To be mad that daughters father has changed his surname?

[JessHaynes]

Hi everyone,

I am beyond fuming! I have just been made aware that my ex (my daughters father) has gotten married and changed his last name to smething completely new! It’s not like he has even taken his new wife’s name!

The problem is my only daughter, who he cut contact with 2 years ago (when he got wth this new lady) is only 7 and has what was his last name. Now she doesn’t “match” her mother or father. Her name is completely meaningless! We were engaged but split up before she turned 1 but I had given her his family name under the assumption that we would marry and all have the same name.

How can he do this? He pays child supprt but hasn’t seen her at all for 2 years, he never asks about her. He has completely ghosted her, she has a wonderful stepfather and barely mentions her biological father anymore.... in all honesty, she most likely doesn’t even remember him. But she is going to ask questions one day and this has just made it more difficult to explain.

How am I meant to tell her that he hates us that much that even being tied to her in name annoyed him so much that he felt the need to change his own last name? He is a 30 year old man! He has had that name for 30 years quite happily and now doesn’t want it? Even though it is the only tie my daughter actually has to him?

I am going to ask him to let me change my daughters surname to mine, he probably won’t object anyways but it just makes me livid that I have to ask permission to have my own daughter share my name even though he has ‘unshared’ his name with her.

Sorry.... just feel completely blindsided and shocked. I don’t know what to do.

Yes but even if you ARE married so the DC gets their father’s name, they can still fuck off and the DC are stuck with their meaningless name. As in my case.

It's not only her father's surname, but her father's family's surname. In a sense, your daughter has the true, historical surname that links her to her family past, while your ex just has a made-up name.

This is very true. Her ancestry is with her current surname, that's important. What her dad has done is silly and immature, I doubt his parents love the idea of him not staring his surname with them either.

I remember as a child of the 80s, it was typical for a kid to have their surname changed to their step fathers if their mother remarried. And changed again if she remarried again. It feels so rudderless for the child looking back.

By all means add your surname to her name (either as a middle name or name dad's name middle name) but I don't think her dad's surname should be removed particularly if she does have any relationship with paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

Thank goodness my kids have my surname. They’ve been bought up by me and have my ancestral name. Ex DH provided very little!

I think he’s still sore they don’t have his name... tough!

It's not only her father's surname, but her father's family's surname. In a sense, your daughter has the true, historical surname that links her to her family past, while your ex just has a made-up name.

Yeah but why is HIS ancestral past any more important than OPs?

I have never understood why children who are born to unmarried women are given the fathers surname.By taking the mothers family name there is a sense of belonging and the child is not tied to a father they dont know*

You know you don't have to be married to have children, don't you? And that not everyone who has a child unmarried is some kind of wanton woman? That many are in long term relationships for whom marriage isn't considered necessary? Or indeed, that marriage is no guarantee that a father won't disappear and the child still be tied to a father they don't know?

@LipstickHandbagCoffee

Born out of wedlock? wheres my pomander?some of you are odd using such terminology

WTF?

What the hell do YOU call it then, when women have babies out of wedlock? when they are unmarried?

How am I meant to tell her that he hates us that much that even being tied to her in name annoyed him so much that he felt the need to change his own last name?

Well, obviously you don’t. Presumably you didn’t tell her he hates you both so much and that why he left and hasn’t seen her for two years? I’m not sure she even needs to know about it. Ask her if she likes her name of whether she wants yours.

I’ll echo those saying they don’t understand why unmarried mothers do this. I just don’t understand why someone would make that choice.

Bold and a face. I’d the hell call it being a parent.id not distinguish married or not
And I’d certainly not use the antiquated granny term [out of wedlock^

@LipstickHandbagCoffee

I think it’s judgemental and grannyish.im familiar with it in such circles

But hey I had a squad of kids out of wedlock,with no intention of getting married

What the F does 'grannyish' mean?

Sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder.

@lookatyourwatchnow

Yes but even if you ARE married so the DC gets their father’s name, they can still fuck off and the DC are stuck with their meaningless name. As in my case.

At least YOU would have the same name as your child(ren) though!!! And the protection that marriage brings.

The OP, her ex, and the child, have 3 different sodding surnames between them now!

I can't believe so many women have children out of wedlock now, with no protection or security whatsoever Very foolhardy.

DNs don't share a name with either of their parents, their DM remarried and DF reverted to his birth name (adopted) they are teens now and have never seemed phased by it at all.

I don’t distinguish on a mother’s marital status,it’s not relevant
Out of wedlock is grannyish and judgemental. Didn’t think it was still in parlance
Pulling up on judgemental language isn’t indicative of being in possession Of a chip
It’s simply noting when an unsavoury term is unnecessarily used.

@bluebannana

DNs don't share a name with either of their parents, their DM remarried and DF reverted to his birth name (adopted) they are teens now and have never seemed phased by it at all.

But, it's the OP who is 'phased' by her child having a surname that belongs to no-one now, not the child! Have you read any of the thread?

What a Plank. It’s not hard to see why he’s your EX

I wouldn’t change it though. It’s her name now. It’s her heritage from her biological fathers FAMILY, he’s opted out of that, so be it, but it’s still her heritage.

Get a grip @LipstickHandbagCoffee 'A child born out of wedlock' is simply a term for an illegitimate child. Or does that offend you as well?

And calm down. You'll give yourself a nosebleed.

You’re very aerated, does illegitimate child offend me?no speaks volumes about you though

PMSL. Calm down dear.

And would you like to borrow my rucksack to carry around the chip you have on your shoulder??? It must be weighing you down.

You’re very thin skinned and prone to outbursts when your opinion is challenged
Interesting

Sorry but YABU, you took this risk when you gave her his name.
In that event you obviously lose control over what happens with his name. He could've even just changed it because he fancied it or he wanted to call himself Mr Pinkspot.
You can only retain any kind of say in this situation by giving your children your name. Horse has bolted now. All I can say is live with it and don't be so naive again. You could ask his permission to change her name but he'll likely to say no just to be a knob.

@LipstickHandbag Coffee I guess I have touched a few raw nerves, and that's why you are upset and angry. I have no wish to cause you any further stress and possibly a nosebleed. So I bid you goodnight. Say goodnight to your shoulder chip from me.

Illegitimate child and out of wedlock are not used in any govt or statutory literature
You know they are contentious phrases I wonder if you're seeking a reaction

I do understand why you are angry with your ex but I don't think his name change is another reason to be angry.

Why is her name completely "meaningless" because it isn't the same as his? It's her name. Her first name is equally meaningless if you take that view. In fact, all our names are meaningless really, aren't they? Random words that someone sometime chose.

Him having a different name won't make explaining her parentage any more difficult.

I really don't think that he changed his name because he hates you. I doubt he hates you. I doubt he was thinking about you and your daughter at all when he made that decision. Imagining that he does things out of spite or hatred towards you is over-estimating the significance you play in his life.

He's moved on. You need to move on too. He's a waste of space. Don't waste your emotional energy on him.

You habitually attack and attempt to derail to avoid addressing your terminology

Exactly @cactusjelly00 It's ridiculous how all these single mothers with babies born out of wedlock, ALWAYS give the children the man's surname.

Best thing you can do OP is to change her surname to yours. At least she will have the same surname as you then.