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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mad that daughters father has changed his surname?

165 replies

JessHaynes · 11/11/2017 22:23

Hi everyone,

I am beyond fuming! I have just been made aware that my ex (my daughters father) has gotten married and changed his last name to smething completely new! It’s not like he has even taken his new wife’s name!

The problem is my only daughter, who he cut contact with 2 years ago (when he got wth this new lady) is only 7 and has what was his last name. Now she doesn’t “match” her mother or father. Her name is completely meaningless! We were engaged but split up before she turned 1 but I had given her his family name under the assumption that we would marry and all have the same name.

How can he do this? He pays child supprt but hasn’t seen her at all for 2 years, he never asks about her. He has completely ghosted her, she has a wonderful stepfather and barely mentions her biological father anymore.... in all honesty, she most likely doesn’t even remember him. But she is going to ask questions one day and this has just made it more difficult to explain.

How am I meant to tell her that he hates us that much that even being tied to her in name annoyed him so much that he felt the need to change his own last name? He is a 30 year old man! He has had that name for 30 years quite happily and now doesn’t want it? Even though it is the only tie my daughter actually has to him?

I am going to ask him to let me change my daughters surname to mine, he probably won’t object anyways but it just makes me livid that I have to ask permission to have my own daughter share my name even though he has ‘unshared’ his name with her.

Sorry.... just feel completely blindsided and shocked. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

AdalindSchade · 12/11/2017 10:10

Surely if the guy doesn't have contact with her then she has no reason to find out that he has changed his name.
Telling her that she needs to change her name because her dad has changed his is weird, confusing and unkind.

CamperVamp · 12/11/2017 10:16

“You hope that one day you will get married. You hope that having the same name as his child will help him connect and just see it as his girlfriend's baby. And you hope that one day your name will match theirs.”

Hoping is one thing. Hoping for things that depend entirely on someone else’s feelings, without a plan of your own, is to leave you very vulnerable.

All this hoping to change your name to a man’s.... come ON, women of the C21st!

(Disclaimer: I am not saying don’t come to decision to change your name, but let’s not do it without thinking it through, and let’s not hold changing our names to our partners’ as our fairytale happy ending)

Ktown · 12/11/2017 10:22

I expect he has done something dodgy or was in debt or is just trying to make a new start.
In any event just give her your name. It isn’t as if he is particularly involved.

TittyGolightly · 12/11/2017 11:34

I flatly refused to give DS my surname; it belongs to a man I have nothing but contempt for,

Why don’t women ever seem to own their names when menapprebtky so without question?

PeapodBurgundy · 12/11/2017 11:37

I could't follow that Titty, sorry

TittyGolightly · 12/11/2017 11:45

You never hear men refer to their surnames as anything but theirs. But women often say they don’t like their surnames because it belongs to their father/stepfather who they can’t stand. Are women’s surnames never theirs? Are they merely on loan from men?

PeapodBurgundy · 12/11/2017 11:53

From a personal perspective, It doesn't feel like mine because I don't want it to be. It represents an ancestry of which I'm not proud, and would rather put aside. I would rather have a name passed along that represents something postitive. It's just something I got from him, along with my unfortunately large nose. I use it because it's common and easy to spell/pronounce. I would prefer to use DM's surname (which came from my much loved and respected Grandad, whose name DS has as his middle name), but it is very long, complicated, and although easy to pronounce once you've heard it, people rarely get it correct from reading. I have a lot of contact with children through my job, I find it more straigtforward to keep the name I inherited from him. I probably would refer to it and feel as if it was 'my' name, if it was attached to something of which I was proud.

Bluebell878275 · 12/11/2017 11:57

The child's surname should be decided between the parents..it shouldn't just be one parent's decision even if the couple have separated. Giving the child the father's surname just because he is the man is living in the dark ages but then so is giving the mother's surname with no discussion. It should be an equal decision/compromise. In this day and age equality should be a given not just when it suits one parents agenda.

My SD has her Father's surname. Her mum has done her best to try and make things difficult but fortunately because of the strong bond between my husband and my SD, my SD is defensively proud of her name. I think it helps for a child to have that name connection to the parent they don't live with as often. This also depends on how involved the NRP is/tries to be.

In the OP's situation I would be annoyed. However, I would leave it until the child is old enough to make a decision on their own name. They may change it to something different altogether!

TheStoic · 12/11/2017 11:59

You never hear men refer to their surnames as anything but theirs.

Indeed. You rarely hear men choosing another name because they hate their father.

SendintheArdwolves · 12/11/2017 12:04

I probably would refer to it and feel as if it was 'my' name, if it was attached to something of which I was proud

It is attached to YOU. Be proud of yourself and your name - forget about your father and whether it was his name 'first'. From the moment it was on your birth certificate, it became your name, in your own right, and with only the associations and history that YOU choose to attach to it.

For example, a friend of mine recently got married and elected to change her name. This was a mixture of societal pressure/husband's "preference"/ wanting children to have the same name. But she styled it as "I don't really get along with my father, why should I keep his name and give it to my kids?" To which I wanted to shout "Because it's not his name, it's your name, dickhead - when I hear your full name, I don;t think of your dad (who I've never met) I think of you, brilliant amazing you, who is my friend and I love, and who had that name all her life and is now going to cross it out like all those years and achievements meant nothing because somehow it was always your dad's name not yours!" But I didn't

I have a very common surname. I don't feel that it really links me with my father any more than it links me to any one of the thousands of people - famous and not - who happen to have the same surname. But it is MY name and when I hear it, I think of me. I don't feel that I am somehow more a part of the bits of my family who have the same name as me than I am with the individuals who don't share my surname. That's really fucking nonsense when you think about it.

Bluebell878275 · 12/11/2017 12:14

Snog - Giving a child the fathers name or marrying and taking a mans name is IMO outdated and patriarchal.

But then surely it would be just as outdated and patriarchal if women now assumed the child would have their name? Why can't it be a natural assumption that the parents would discuss and agree something together? Feminism is about equality between men and women, not women walking over men because 'it's about time we had more of a say in things'.

PeapodBurgundy · 12/11/2017 12:24

It's not just a name though. It's part of what links you to that branch of your family. If you don't want those links, you'll do what you can to sever as many as you can.

GherkinSnatch · 12/11/2017 12:30

It wouldn't be patriarchal for the assumption to be that a child would be given the mother's name based on the definition of patriarchy.

NataliaOsipova · 12/11/2017 12:38

You rarely hear men choosing another name because they hate their father

In fairness, though, it's a bloody difficult thing to do administratively. I found it a right pain when I got married....and it's still (I believe) the norm for women to change their name, so can't be unusual at the bank etc. The one man I know who did do it said it was hassle of an unbelievable scale and, because he works in financial services, he was essentially suspected of being involved in something sinister or underhand. So I bet a number of people just don't do it because they can't face the hassle!

NataliaOsipova · 12/11/2017 12:44

and who had that name all her life and is now going to cross it out like all those years and achievements meant nothing

Bit of a leap to say that changing your name on marriage means negating all your previous achievements! Your history and your achievements are attached to you, the person, regardless of what name you elect to use.....

I am Mrs DH. If I hear my name now ie Natalia DHSurname, then I think of me. If I hear my maiden name, then I think of me when I was younger. If someone shouted "Natalia Maiden name" in a shop, I'd still turn round etc etc. Same with friends. If I think of my friend Sarah when we were at university, I'll think of "Sarah Long". If I think of her now, I'll think of "Sarah Carter". But they're still very much the same person to me.

NataliaOsipova · 12/11/2017 12:48

I honestly know one woman who has the name of her husband and everyone at the wedding was a bit raised eyebrow about it.

That's funny, because I was just thinking about that issue and I can only think of two women I know who are married and haven't taken their husband's surname (and seem to feel the need to justify it). Maybe there are age/regional differences?

JetCityWoman · 12/11/2017 13:00

I was forced to use my stepfathers name for years. It wasn't legally changed.

you cannot imagine the grief I have had because i have no 'proof' thats me. No certificates etc.

I changed it back the second I left home but a lot of my qualifications are in the old name so proving they are mine has be bloody hard especially when they cannot fathom why I would take on step fathers name and not use my birth name. I have been questioned as though I was married and I'm lying about it. Nope. It has been so difficult.

Thankfully I have made the decision to never marry but If I did I wouldn't change my name. No man is worth that.

DC has my name. That in itself caused issues. DCs father left when I was pregnant. I very matter of factly told ex DC would have my surname but could have his surname as a middle name. All hell broke lose and he refused to sign DCs birth certificate.

DC still has my surname and I am so glad I stuck to my guns over it. I would hate to think DC going through the relentless bullying because of our surnames that I did.

The only downside is every one calls me Mrs and no I have to correct them. No its Miss. I really wish they would get rid of the miss/mrs/ms thing and just use Mr and Ms. it would save the awkward assumptions.

Bluebell878275 · 12/11/2017 13:33

Gherkin I meant 'matriarchy'. My point was it should be equal not one or the other.

Bluebell878275 · 12/11/2017 13:42

Aargh..matriarCHAL..FFS I can't write today.

DeepAutumn · 12/11/2017 13:47

I'm sorry you went through that trauma proving you're you and proving your qualifications were your own jetcitywoman sounds awfully confusing.

I think when posters wonder why on earth unmarried women give their children their boyfriend's sur name they should read this. Especially the all hell broke loose part. OP was obviously brave enough to allow her x to walk away but some new mothers are vulnerable, financially dependent (even if not wholly then partially)

@DC has my name. That in itself caused issues. DCs father left when I was pregnant. I very matter of factly told ex DC would have my surname but could have his surname as a middle name. All hell broke lose and he refused to sign DCs birth certificate.''

Sayyouwill · 12/11/2017 14:55

@Bluebell878275 totally agree with you

Sayyouwill · 12/11/2017 14:59

As a mother, you do not have more of a say in your child than the father. You do not get to dictate to the father what you will and won’t do.
That is not equal parenting. That’s control. That’s not good.
Two civilised grown ups who’ve had consensual sex knowing full well that there is always a chance that sex can result in a child, should be able to have a grown up conversation about who’s name the child will have. If one parent feels particularly strongly one way or another and the other isn’t fussed, well then there is your answer!

Gemini69 · 12/11/2017 15:11

Aahhhh if only life were so simple

Sayyouwill · 12/11/2017 15:14

Aahhhh if only life were so simple

I suppose so. But it’s mainly down to who you choose to have children with. If you can’t reach a sensible decision on their name, you probably should be having children with them.

Ausparent · 12/11/2017 15:18

Do you still use your maiden name or your DH's name? If you got divorced she could end up in the same situation again.

If your dd is 7 I would ask her what name she would like to have. My ds is 7 and I feel he is old enough to decide for himself if the information was presented in a way he could understand.

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