To be mad that daughters father has changed his surname?

[JessHaynes]

Hi everyone,

I am beyond fuming! I have just been made aware that my ex (my daughters father) has gotten married and changed his last name to smething completely new! It’s not like he has even taken his new wife’s name!

The problem is my only daughter, who he cut contact with 2 years ago (when he got wth this new lady) is only 7 and has what was his last name. Now she doesn’t “match” her mother or father. Her name is completely meaningless! We were engaged but split up before she turned 1 but I had given her his family name under the assumption that we would marry and all have the same name.

How can he do this? He pays child supprt but hasn’t seen her at all for 2 years, he never asks about her. He has completely ghosted her, she has a wonderful stepfather and barely mentions her biological father anymore.... in all honesty, she most likely doesn’t even remember him. But she is going to ask questions one day and this has just made it more difficult to explain.

How am I meant to tell her that he hates us that much that even being tied to her in name annoyed him so much that he felt the need to change his own last name? He is a 30 year old man! He has had that name for 30 years quite happily and now doesn’t want it? Even though it is the only tie my daughter actually has to him?

I am going to ask him to let me change my daughters surname to mine, he probably won’t object anyways but it just makes me livid that I have to ask permission to have my own daughter share my name even though he has ‘unshared’ his name with her.

Sorry.... just feel completely blindsided and shocked. I don’t know what to do.

I’d just double barrel her surname to yours and his old one

Maybe there's a deeper issue here op?

Is it more than just his name change? All adults are legally allowed to change their name to pretty much anything any time they want.

Is it more that you thought your dd had some connection with him if they had the same name?

These days people amalgamate surnames to create a whole new name. Perhaps the days of keeping the name in a family are a thing of the past.

At least YOU would have the same name as your child(ren) though!!! And the protection that marriage brings.

Seriously? Marriage isn’t a magicial guarantee, divorce actually happens, and being an unmarried Mum isn’t anything to be ashamed of not that you’d know it from this thread. Actually being married made it a million times harder to get free of my bastard XH. And none of my kids share my last name, does that make me less of a mum? Does it fuck.

Getting name changed by deed poll is frightfully easy (who knew?).

I am having a major hassle in my life right now b/c I gave (now adult) DC my surname when I wasn't married to (was my boyf. and became my husband). Wish I hadn't!!

Why shouldn't kids have their dad's name just because the parents aren't married?

My dp and I aren't married, have no desire to be. Both been their before to have it fail in spectacular style.

Our dd has his name, but it is her FAMILY name. Her brother and sister have it too (my dscs). Their mum had an affair and kicked dp out and then changed her name back to her maiden name within days. How is that not just as bad as what the ex here has done?

Whether or not our relationship lasts dd will always have the connection to her family, to her brother and sister who she absolutely idolises, her Grandad who she adores, her aunts, uncles, cousins.

Ask yourself why it bothers you so much.

Hopefully he changed his surname to Wankbadger-Smythe

Women! Give your children your name, whether you’re married or not. Double barrel if you have to but have your name in there too.

But OP was obviously intending to take her ex-fiances name when they married so if DD was given her maiden name then it wouldn't have matched after the wedding.

Mr and Mrs Smith with their daughter "Helen" Smith-Brown.

I was given my fathers surname at birth. My mum then married my stepdad at 5 and I changed my surname out of choice to his. He has now moved on with another woman and had nothing to do with me or my sibling (his biological children). I regret massively not taking my Mums maiden name so I had some link to my maternal family. I am now counting down the days until I marry my fiancé so I have a meaningful surname again.

How am I meant to tell her that he hates us that much that even being tied to her in name annoyed him so much that he felt the need to change his own last name?

Well, you don't say that as a start! If it upsets you that much, why don't you change her surname to yours? Easily done though Deed Poll and costs about 25 quid.

OP, whilst I completely sympathise with where your feelings stem from, unfortunately YABU. He has the right to change his name to whatever he wants, for whatever reason, and the modern trend of creating a new name together as a couple is not silly or immature, it’s a progressive step away from patriarchy.

The fact that he’s a crap father, be mad about, be absolutely raging on your daughter’s behalf, but don’t give this name non-issue more importance than it deserves (ie very little). Are you really bothered about names? Remember the Shakespeare quote about roses? Perhaps this has just re-ignited your feelings about your ex being a shitbag in general. Stop letting him affect you like this.

If your daughter asks about her name, if she wants to change it, then change it then. Don’t make this a big deal about ancestry and connections. What anyone calls themselves doesn’t change those things.

Out of wedlock is grannyish and judgemental......Pulling up on judgemental language (is) simply noting when an unsavoury term is unnecessarily used.

At the risk of re-igniting this derailing spat, I just want to say that I find the term ‘grannyish’ used in this pejorative manner to be fairly offensive, have a think, it’s both sexist and ageist. If you mean ‘old fashioned’ then say that, don’t imply that older women are inherently judgemental. Simply noting when an unsavoury term is unnecessarily used

The op was engaged to the child's father so presumably her thinking was that they would soon all have the same surname

Still pretty naive though - deal not being sealed until the wedding is over etc. Why could she not have given the dc her own name and then changed both their names to the “family name” upon the marriage actually happening? And the main carer is always sharing a surname with their child.

I believed some of the attitudes seen on this thread were long dead and gone, I'm very shocked at such prejudices and sneering at single mothers on a parenting forum.
OP, no advice here as names to me are just names but I hope you get the outcome you want and don't see why anything could stop you.

When I had DC I was unmarried but gave the children (now)DHs surname because I’m not that precious about a name. If we broke up I’d have been devastated, but I wouldn’t have cared that the kids didn’t have my surname.
Also, to all those saying that children should automatically get their mothers surname, well no. The parents get to decide that and why shouldn’t they get their father’s name? Is he no more of a parent?

Why could she not have given the dc her own name and then changed both their names to the “family name” upon the marriage actually happening? And the main carer is always sharing a surname with their child.

So in the OPs case, the child would have her surname...but what if the OP then wanted to get married again?

She'd need to decide whether having her child's name or her new man's name is more important to her. Or give the child the step dad's name too.

All of this could be solved by women not adopting men’s names every time they marry, or at all.

Get rid of all the assumptions. That a baby will have only its father ‘s name whatever the marital status of the parents. That a woman will change her name on marriage. That a man will never change his name.

It is all sexist patriarchal tradition.

THINK and DECIDE.

I happen to be still with the father of my child twenty years later but there were never any guarantees that this would be the case.
My dd has my surname.
I know how unusual it is to use the mothers surname but it makes far more sense to!
It’s absolutely a patriarchy thing.

OP I recommend to change your child’s surname to match your own.

Giving a child the fathers name or marrying and taking a mans name is IMO outdated and patriarchal.

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Your in danger of making your issues her issues. Just because you’ve made all this arbitrary connections with ‘her’ name doesn’t mean she will. I suggest you leave ‘her’ name as it is and let her decide when she’s older.

If anything, your EX changing his surname illustrates that not everyone is hung up on names as you appear to be. The tragedy here is that a man has chosen to go NC no with a young child not, a few random letters. If you really want to support your DD then you need to work through your issues with him.

My DD father has terminated contact with her, doesn’t pay maintenance but they share a surname. My name is a double barrelling of my absent father’s name and my estranged mother’s name, so I’m not particularly attached to it and when my DD is older if she chooses to call herself something different that will be her prerogative, I’ve had my turn.

But OP you mention a fiancé ... so I assume you will change your name again soon, so if you change her name to yours now, will yours change soon - leaving her again ‘unconnected’ to anyone by name?

I don’t see what the issue is. Your daughter is 7. It has been HER name for 7 years. It is her name not her fathers or mothers. Does it really have to match. She is no less your daughter just because her name doesn’t match yours.

It is different if she isn’t 7months because baby doesn’t know names.

@poshindevin and @gherkinsnatch, I made that mistake and I knew at the time that it was a mistake but I was already in a power imbalance. At the time naively I hoped to later redress various imbalances within the relationship but that was not possible due to having children. Obviously there are women with too healthy a self-esteem to ever allow that, but frankly, the reason it happened to me is that I had a low self-esteem. So there you go, I hope that that explains why this happens.

Obviously there are exceptions to this, if I'd had a sur name I really disliked I'd just want a nicer sur name. Or if my father had been a dreadful man I might think why his sur name? why the loyalty to my own sur name? why shouldn't my daughter have a fresh start with her father 's sur name (even if he turned out to be awful too!)

I agree that the whole system is patriarchal. Funnily enough the sur name my children got through their father is very close to my mother's mother's mother's sur name before she married

You can change a child's sur name before they're 18 if you have the father's permission. I think in this case, go ahead and apply and if he doesn't give his written consent then perhaps the fact that he himself has changed his sur name would over ride the need for written consent. Speak to somebody about that. Don't accept it!

It’s just a name! He’s not even in her life, I doubt she gives a stuff.