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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you'd respond to your FIL making an unannounced speech at your wedding?

302 replies

quickopinionsplease · 11/11/2017 11:25

As per the title really Smile

So there you are at your wedding breakfast, formal affair, it's speech time.

You all know the running order, you're all a bit nervous because you've been working on your speech.

And then in the middle of it all, FIL stands up to make a speech. You aren't sure what's going on.

He hasn't told you about this, hasn't checked if it's ok or run it past you.

How do you feel about this?

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 11/11/2017 14:20

DH's Uncle Herbert* made an impromptu speech at our wedding, i didn't really mind. Then he starts talking about fertility in DH's family (DH's mum is one of 15 -as is Uncle H obviously, DH is one of 6, DH's brother has 5dc...etc) which was rather funny but also mortifying!

CheckpointCharlie2 · 11/11/2017 14:26

Jeepers!!!!! I'd come to your play (s) !

Wow, are you still married? Hope so so you don't have to risk crazy wedding #3!! Grin

MrsKoala · 11/11/2017 14:27

elQuinto - at my second wedding DH spoke about my recent labour in a bit more detail than was seemly and for the rest of the day i had people asking if my fanny was better now. Shock He also decided to do it while i was in the corner feeding DS1, with my red strapless dress rolled down to my waist. My mum was stood in front of me holding her jacket, but as he said 'to the bride' everyone parted and held their drink up at me and got an eyeful of knockers.

CakesRUs · 11/11/2017 14:30

I think it’s fine. Why not?

Composteleana · 11/11/2017 14:37

Who are all these people saying the groom’s father always makes a speech? I’ve never been to a wedding where that’s happened. Nor is it standard etiquette to ask the groom’s father if he would like to? I don’t see any harm in it and think it’s nice to include people, but I wouldn’t automatically ask if DPs father wanted to because it wouldn’t occur to me. To be honest when we get married I doubt we’ll have any speeches as my parents are no longer living and at 38 I don’t feel like I need to be ‘given away’ So won’t have anyone in that role. If anyone wanted to make a speech then that would be fine, but I’d expect them to mention it to us first - I think that’s the more standard etiquette surely?

And why are people talking about delaying the food? Don’t speeches happen after the meal? This thread has really confused me.

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to think it was a slightly odd thing for him to do without consulting you, but if relations are generally good between you and your in laws I’d not spend any more time thinking about it.

milliemolliemou · 11/11/2017 14:40

Compos I think to save the speakers worries a lot of the speeches are done before people crack on with food (having had canapes or whatever to save hunger!)

It also stops the awful slurred ones when someone's got so nervous they've got drunk - or got to the stage they suddenly think bad jokes and personal details are suddenly a good thing.

MeadowHay · 11/11/2017 14:42

My dad did this at my wedding. We didn't ask him to do a speech because he was basically against our relationship and marriage all the way until the day because my DH wasn't the 'correct' religion for me. I think he only did it to save face as he knew it would be expected of him and that people would probably gossip if he didn't. It was only short and nice-enough though. I wasn't really arsed. Plus he did it at the end so it didn't screw up our order or anything like that.

Mumof56 · 11/11/2017 14:44

I would send my husband divorce papers. How dare his family ruin MY wedding

TheAntiBoop · 11/11/2017 14:45

It's tradition to only have men speak (best man, father of bride and groom) but that is often changed so mothers/brides/MoH can make a speech. 'Because it's tradition' is a universally bad excuse to not do something

You'd hate French and German weddings!!

baffledcoconut · 11/11/2017 14:47

My FIL did this. Didn’t actually mention my husband or the wedding once. Just went on and on about utterly unrelated stuff and things about him. Very weird.

artisancraftbeer · 11/11/2017 14:51

My friend’s FIL did this. Wedding was at 2, then photos and drinks with wedding breakfast at 5.30. They’d got everyone sitting at 5 for speeches. FOG gave an unexpected speech, which went on and on and on. He spoke for 40 minutes, about himself and how great he was.

The food was ruined because it might not burn but dinner for 100 people dries out pretty quickly. Everyone was hammered because time when they should have been eating was drinking instead while the speeches went on.

There was very little time for dancing.

I hate wedding speeches. In the U.K. the normal speeches are FOB, BM -and groom, sometimes bride. If it’s more than this, they should not speak for more than 5 minutes each.

Notagainmun · 11/11/2017 14:53

I think you are a little unfair (bridezilla) about running times, it was only a few minutes.

I didn't like my fil, he was a big headed, know it all racist but good manners meant we asked him if he wanted to say a few words, or,not, either was fine. He said yes so we told him it had to be brief as nobody was making any major speeches, just a few thank you'd and best wishes.

He he made one like OP's fil that would have been great. Oh no he had to go and thank everyone involved including the florist, vicar, caterers etc., which my DF just had as he had paid for them all. Pil didn't pay for anything, which was fine as we never expected anyone to pay for our wedding but my parents wanted to, but fil made it sound that they had paid too. That pissed me off.

Mix56 · 11/11/2017 14:56

Unless he said something awful, I feel sorry for him.
Why is it wrong to want to speak at his son's wedding?
It sounds like no one is listening to him, & you are are being a primadonna

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 11/11/2017 15:04

There's nothing wrong with a lovely speech from a proud father of the groom

But what strikes me as odd and indeed rude is that he planned it and didn't ask you if you'd mind. Why would he think you'd say no?

Sounds like there's a backstory.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/11/2017 15:11

As long as he didn't say anything coarse or embarrassing, and kept it short and sweet - pref. 5 minutes max! - I don't think I'd mind.
What I dread is the wafflers, who drone on for 20 minutes.

Wedding speeches longer than 5 minutes should be banned, IMO. As my father used to say, Stand up, Speak up, Shut up.
I've been to 2 Swedish weddings, where anyone can make a speech, and they did. Thank God that's not a tradition here.

Penygirl · 11/11/2017 15:13

In my day, after the usual speeches the best man would ask if anyone else wanted to speak. I knew my uncle would want to say something but unfortunately a friend of DH jumped up and proceeded to give us his present, a duvet, along with loads of innuendo. It made everyone laugh but effectively put an end to any other speeches.

honeyrider · 11/11/2017 15:18

I have yet to attend an Irish wedding where the father of the groom didn't make a speech and in cases where he's deceased or estranged then another member of the groom's family speak for the family. It would be seen as unusual and lead to gossip if he didn't make a speech.

Nanny0gg · 11/11/2017 15:22

He deliberately didn't ask first.

The OP isn't particularly Bridezillary and if she and her DH didn't want any more speeches then it was up to them.

And what if the speech had gone disastrously wrong? They were lucky...

Fishface77 · 11/11/2017 15:26

Yanbu op.
It's a bit controlling to me. Especially the fact that he didn't ask incase you said no. But let's hope all these people who don't mind have 20 people queueing to make speeches at their weddings.Grin

RafikiIsTheBest · 11/11/2017 15:47

In a general way, FIL saying a few words without saying so first isn't a big deal. Personally, I'd be thrilled for FIL (to be) to say a few words, but will be very surprised if he does... we will ask him closer to the time (no date set yet).
If it was a case of confusion (you didn't realise he would do it, he assumed you knew because that's what fathers do etc) then I'd be all for it, but purposefully keeping it secret because he thought you (and your partner) wouldn't like it is just wrong. It's not his day, it's not about him, and he just sounds like a self-absorbed entitled twat. Is he usually like that?

sinceyouask · 11/11/2017 15:48

Idk. We didn't have speeches. My dad gave an impromptu short one before we left the reception which was nice.

sinceyouask · 11/11/2017 15:50

My brother and sister in law had speeches but not by all the traditional people. She spoke, he did, her brother did, my dad did, her best friend and his best man did. Her dad and uncle did a Pink Floyd number later on with the band's guitars, that was fun.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 11/11/2017 15:52

I'd be really happy. Bit unfair father of the groom not getting to speak really.

treaclesoda · 11/11/2017 15:54

I've also never been to a wedding where the father of the groom didn't make a speech. It would be really weird to me if he didn't.

carefreeeee · 11/11/2017 16:19

Yanbu. He should have asked you in advance (and you should have said yes, as long as he's nice)