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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I didn't want children until i met...You will see when you meet the right person...

66 replies

Fragola76 · 10/11/2017 17:03

AIBU to get irritated by these words, since i am happily married?

I'm in my forties, no children by choice. However, i have been with DH for 20 years, still crazy about each other and have a great life together. Decided not to have children because we weren't fussed and had a fabulous life, so preferred not to upset the balance (not because we didn't love each other, as these people seem to infer!).

I would have liked a little version of my husband. Doesn't seem like a good enough reason to have children though, on its own.

Amongst others, I have had this comment from someone pregnant by a bloke that she had known for 4 months (yeah let's talk in 20 years) and yesterday by someone separated from the dad's child...

I don't know, it always irritates me but i probably am being unreasonable...

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 10/11/2017 17:07

I hate this too. Like anyone else is fit to judge if DP is Mr Right or not. It's highly insulting.

DancesWithOtters · 10/11/2017 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfiefan · 10/11/2017 17:08

Having children isn't compulsory!
How rude to infer that you married the wrong man and if you had found the right one you would have a tribe of kids. Weird!

OlennasWimple · 10/11/2017 17:13

That is incredibly rude and irritating.

I didn't want children until I met DH and wanted his children. But that's not the reason we fell in love, and I would never say it to someone who was happily married and child free by choice

RaininSummer · 10/11/2017 17:17

It a spectacularly rude and daft thing to say to someone who is happily married.

TeaAndToast85 · 10/11/2017 17:18

I would be tempted to mention all the things you can do that they can't (fabulous, relaxing couples holidays, spontaneous boozy nights out, lovely lie ins...)

Anniegetyourgun · 10/11/2017 17:38

DB knew he had met the right person because she didn't want any kids either! After all, it's not exactly as if the world is crying out for more human reproduction.

DancesWithOtters · 10/11/2017 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fragola76 · 10/11/2017 17:45

ahah yeah always tempting to come back with something like that or just plain rude but it's not even their view of me not having children that bothers me.

Ultimately the conclusion i came to about children is that in the vast majority of cases you can't have it all (have children, love all aspects of it, not miss your old life, spend enough time with them and retain your career and your hobbies and your friends, no money worries, retire early ect), so you have to take your pick (children or no children) and hope you have made the right choice. I've made my choice and i'm happy with it and ultimately am not too fussed about what people think of it.

But when they infer that I chose not to have children because my husband isn't good enough (didn't make me want to have his children!Hmm), that really angers me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fragola76 · 10/11/2017 17:49

Gosh DancesWithOtters

It's like people think that other people don't communicate, research, discuss and think about their life and finally make decisions for themselves. Yes we really need your stupid input...(doesn't only apply to children)

OP posts:
RosaTheOwl · 10/11/2017 17:56

IKR?!!! How would they be a right man anyway, if you were childfree and they wanted children?

The inference that your DH isn't good enough would strike me as well. I don't know what is wrong with these people.

YANBU at all. It's such a ludicrous comment it's impossible to know where to start.

Annie "After all, it's not exactly as if the world is crying out for more human reproduction."

also this - I have friends who adopted for this reason and people still jabber about it like they really think no one could make that choice and they must have been unable to conceive naturally.

DancesWithOtters · 10/11/2017 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RosaTheOwl · 10/11/2017 17:57

being in 40s really helps with this though I think...or I thought till I read this post. The shit a childfree person hears in their 20s and 30s is something else but crossing 40 seems to be a watershed of some kind.

Ecclesiastes · 10/11/2017 18:02

I think it's jealousy.

So many parents envy us our freedom, and our happy, equal relationships with men. Not to mention our disposable income and lovely lie-ins.

We should pity them.

DancesWithOtters · 10/11/2017 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfiefan · 10/11/2017 18:09

I am a mum.
Some of my friends are. Some aren't. Why is only one choice valid?!
Oh wait. Is it because women must be a wife and mother to have a purpose?! Hmm

theymademejoin · 10/11/2017 18:13

How about a sympathetic head tilt and saying "Oh dear. That's a shame. I'm lucky that my relationship with dh is so strong we don't need to have children to complete our relationship".

And I say that as someone with 3 children that most people were amazed I had as I was never particularly into kids (I like my own).

MistressPage · 10/11/2017 18:20

*I think it's jealousy.

So many parents envy us our freedom, and our happy, equal relationships with men. Not to mention our disposable income and lovely lie-ins.

We should pity them.*

You know women who are mothers can also have happy equal relationships with men though, right? I agree that anyone who pokes at anyone re having or not having children can fuck right off, but please don't be so rude about mothers in general. We get enough stick on Mumsnet, bizarrely enough!

PS I do envy the lie ins, obviously

Original poster
Fragola76 · 10/11/2017 18:27

About being 40-good point.
I'm going to pretend that maybe she thought i was a bit younger than that :) Immediately cheered up! (Clearly shallow!)

OP posts:
Tipsytopsyturvy · 10/11/2017 19:37

Fragola I guess that it must be extremely irritating having people judge your lifestyle and make assumptions about you. You sound secure in the decisions you have made and I’m glad it’s worked for you. You shouldn’t have to justify yourself and I wouldn’t like that either.
Which is why eccles your attitude is very irritating. Keep your pity to your self thanks along with your disposable income. I’m happy with my gorgeous ds and less money and fewer lie ins. It’s about choosing your lifestyle.
If you can feel comfortable with the choices you have made, to have children or not, then you don’t need to pass judgement or pity anyone else. It makes me think perhaps you are less secure if you have to put down or pity other people.

blueyacht · 10/11/2017 19:45

"Maybe I should meet your husband? If he's so great, I might want to have babies with him too!" Grin

MrsDoyleFallingOutTheWindow · 10/11/2017 19:51

Ffs some people are stupid. I'd have been tempted to buy into it wholesale and start rending my garments while wailing "I know! I know! I've married the wrong man and stayed in a loveless childless marriage for twenty years! What can I do? Where can I go? MY LIFE IS A MEANINGLESS SHAM HELP ME."

user1471596238 · 10/11/2017 19:59

I don't know why people don't realise that some people genuinely don't want children (or indeed have some tact and consider whether some people do and haven't managed to!). My DP and I didn't have children until our late 30s so did all the going out/sleeping in stuff but even now as much as I never regret have children, I totally get why not everyone does (just like my brother and SiL who were never keen and enjoy their lifestyle). There's enough polarising in the world at the moment. Let's not pity each other for having or not having kids. Let's just respect each others choices is my opinion!

RosaTheOwl · 10/11/2017 20:26

blueyacht wins the thread Grin Star

Trills · 10/11/2017 20:35

All comments that people make when you don't have kids are horrendous.

Try being single and trying to insist that no really you actually don't want them, you're not just saying it because you don't have access to sperm.

These people sound like they are on bollocks-talking autopilot. Do they KNOW you are married, so know that they are saying "your future destiny is to split up, find a new person, and have children with that new person"?