I didn't want children until i met...You will see when you meet the right person...

[Fragola76]

AIBU to get irritated by these words, since i am happily married?

I'm in my forties, no children by choice. However, i have been with DH for 20 years, still crazy about each other and have a great life together. Decided not to have children because we weren't fussed and had a fabulous life, so preferred not to upset the balance (not because we didn't love each other, as these people seem to infer!).

I would have liked a little version of my husband. Doesn't seem like a good enough reason to have children though, on its own.

Amongst others, I have had this comment from someone pregnant by a bloke that she had known for 4 months (yeah let's talk in 20 years) and yesterday by someone separated from the dad's child...

I don't know, it always irritates me but i probably am being unreasonable...

[YouTheCat]

My dd gets this. She's 22 and definitely doesn't want to settle down and have kids and I think it's highly unlikely that she'll change her mind. She doesn't like kids at all. I'm not fussed about being a granny.

Neither of my brothers (both 46) have kids. They're married but them and their wives just weren't that interested and they quite liked the freedom and nice holidays.

[ApproachingATunnel]

It’s just one of the shallow stereotypical narratives ppl use. It means nothing. Maybe they wheel it out cause they dont know what to say or simply cannot grasp that there is life without having kids. Who knows. Who cares. You can of course ask them ‘what do you mean?’, that actually might be funny...

[liverbird10]

YANBU in the slightest. Hearing that sort of patronising tripe makes my blood boil.

[minipie]

Wanting a mini version of one's husband is about the worst reason I can think of for having a baby.

[RosaTheOwl]

YouTheCat

If your DD hears "you'll change your mind" from people in her age group who haven't had them yet, she should smile and tell them "oh you'll change your mind".

[RosaTheOwl]

OP " would have liked a little version of my husband"

That does sound like an episode of Black Mirror!

[Fragola76]

Thanks all. Feels good to share and will definitely use the funny suggestions in the future

I definitely have sympathy for people that are single as well and have to put up with similar rubbish. I had a family member recently telling me that someone she knows (and doesn't like clearly) was a sado and at 30 had never had a relationship. Told her that it would never cross my mind to think that way and I would first assume that maybe they are having fun, like it that way, working on their career or who knows...

To be fair i think that you can't win! (And i'm going to have to look into black mirror!)

[BlackeyedSusan]

so patronising...

you the cat, your dd sounds sensible. as do you OP.

children change things massively and you have to really want them to put up with the crap that comes with being a parent. I did really want them but I can see the attraction of holidays and lifestyle of not if you are not that fussed.

[RoganLogan]

Can people not say anything any more?

It's just small talk. No one gives a real fuck.

[YouTheCat]

Rosa, I think her GM was hoping to become a GGM. Some people from her year at school are parents now one of them has a child in the school I work in that she also attended but none of her immediate friends have started families yet. Thing is, I don't think she's even bothered about having another relationship. She's happy as she is and so long as she's happy then I can't see the problem.

[Kickmum]

YANBU People are arses on this one. I

[BonnieF]

I had a useful trick for shutting up the "you'll want kids when you're older / meet the right person / body clock starts ticking" brigade.

I would eyeball them and say "I bet you £10,000 that I don't, and I'm absolutely serious" while holding out my hand, challenging them to take the wager.

No-one did. Funny, that.

[Fragola76]

Nice little money making scheme there BonnieF. Pity you didn't get your hands on a gambler!

[AnnabellaH]

As someone with a 5m old who got pregnant at the exact moment she realised (after 12yrs ttc) that she maybe didn't actually want children (and had just made peace and started planning my new life)... YANBU OP.

I am envious right now in so many ways.

[Fragola76]

Hi Annabella

yeah unfortunately sometimes it's what it takes :(

5 months sounds like a tough age, i hear it gets better. Hopefully it all works out for the best. Good luck

[User452734838]

We live in a society where the majority think marriage and kids is the pinnacle and everything else is just weird.

I envy people who don't have kids. Mine get on my nerves

[Splinterz]

I have friends like you, Op, had it all, good jobs, happy marriage, lived the dream. Then one of them died and the remainer would do anything at all for grandchildren to fill the void. So whilst I go some way to agreeing with your post, no one knows what the future may hold. After all, as this board often shows, having children is no guarantee that they will actually like you and want to be around you in your dotage.

[Wickedstepmum67]

'Dances with Otters' - me too in terms of cats. And as my monniker suggests, I am a stepmum to some extremely grown up step 'kids'. Being a cheerfully and voluntarily childless woman has elicited some beauties of 'helpful' remarks and deeds over the years. In my 20s it was 'you'll feel differently when you have your own', and having random babies plonked in my lap with, presumably, the intention I'd get the right idea by osmosis? Then in my 30s the old 'biological clock' routine and dire warnings of regretting it later. Now I am heading into my 50s it has gone a bit quiet but I am just biding my time waiting for the pitying looks when I announce there are no grandchildren! Also, the one about having 'no one to look after me'.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

Annoying isn't it. When I was in my 20s and told a family planning nurse I never wanted children she said I'd probably change my mind when I met Mr Right and would have them to please him! If I wanted to please a partner I'd go for oral sex rather than bring a child into the world I didn't really want. Stupid woman. I'm late 40s now and have never regretted being child free for a moment. Also, I am so glad I never became eternally linked to any of the many unsuitable men I've dated by having kids with them.

[Trills]

grandchildren to fill the void

Yuck.
Human beings are not there to "fill a void" in someone's life.

[Ecclesiastes]

Well I hope my parents didn't want grandchildren to fill a void in their life because my siblings and I have not obliged.

And I've never had any voids in my life that art and nature can't fill to overflowing.

[Wolfiefan]

Jeez I hope my kids don't grow up thinking I have some gaping void in my life that they have to fill with grandchildren.
I hope to raise confident adults who are free and able to make their own decisions. I will be proud of them whatever those decisions are. I love them.
And when they've gone? I may go travelling or get another wolfhound or three. Shhhh. Don't tell DH!

[Crunchymum]

Do these people making the comments know you are childless by choice?

Not that it makes a difference in terms of how fucking rude it is but imagine if you'd been struggling to concieve?

I can't believe people have said this and you've been with your husband for 2 decades. Jeez. I could overlook it as ignorance if you were single but given your long term husband it's just fucking shamefaced rudeness.

[ShatnersWig]

As a childfree by choice man, I can tell you it's not just childfree women that get this shit. I'm 43 and I still get "you'll change your mind when you meet the right woman". No, I won't because she won't be the right woman if she wants children

[PeiPeiPing]

@Ecclesiastes



I think it's jealousy.

So many parents envy us our freedom, and our happy, equal relationships with men. Not to mention our disposable income and lovely lie-ins.

We should pity them.

@MistressPage


You know women who are mothers can also have happy equal relationships with men though, right? I agree that anyone who pokes at anyone re having or not having children can fuck right off, but please don't be so rude about mothers in general. We get enough stick on Mumsnet, bizarrely enough!

I agree with mistresspage ... I know some childfree women get a lot of stick, for having no kids, but don't start attacking women who ARE mothers by making out they are all jealous of you! No-one is!

Many women who are mothers have equal partnerships with their man, and surplus income, and the freedom to follow pursuits that they want to do, and lie-ins too! Do you seriously think that once a woman becomes a mother she never gets a lie-in ever again? Like, ever?!

How bizarre. I suppose you assume mothers never have decent sex again, and never have a social life again!

I know being child free makes you very defensive, because you are often attacked, but don't lower yourself to making spiteful remarks about mothers. It makes you look bitter and catty.

I am very pleased for you if you are happy with your choice to not have children, but when you get so defensive - to the point of severely deriding and mocking women with children - it makes me wonder if it's a case of 'the lady doth protest too much....'

I also think that although having children does not automatically mean you will not be lonely in your old age; it's less likely that you will be lonely if you have them.

Agree that 'wanting a mini version of your husband' is a bit macabre and sinister.