I didn't want children until i met...You will see when you meet the right person...

[Fragola76]

AIBU to get irritated by these words, since i am happily married?

I'm in my forties, no children by choice. However, i have been with DH for 20 years, still crazy about each other and have a great life together. Decided not to have children because we weren't fussed and had a fabulous life, so preferred not to upset the balance (not because we didn't love each other, as these people seem to infer!).

I would have liked a little version of my husband. Doesn't seem like a good enough reason to have children though, on its own.

Amongst others, I have had this comment from someone pregnant by a bloke that she had known for 4 months (yeah let's talk in 20 years) and yesterday by someone separated from the dad's child...

I don't know, it always irritates me but i probably am being unreasonable...

[sashh]

I usually answer, "But I have cream sofas" in an agast voice.

Although not been asked lately - in my 50s now.

[Fishfingersandwichnocheese]

The whole "no one to look after you when you're old" really gobs my smack.


I mean wtf ? What a hideous reason to bring a person into the world - purely to look after you in your old age ???

[Fishfingersandwichnocheese]

How incredibly rude. It's rude even if you are single but since you are married the implication about your husband/marriage is doubley so.

[FruitCider]

I only had a child because I wanted to have a child with DP and no one else, simply because I trust him to do right by his child come What May of our relationship. I don’t think I would have had a child with anyone else. Not having a child doesn’t male you incomplete, there is far more to women than producing offspring.

I love blueyachts response 😂

[Aria2015]

Yeah I’ve never got this! I do have a lo but was with my dh for over a decade beforehand. We were (still are) incredibly happy and I couldn’t love him more but that love did not induce a feeling of needing to procreate (just induced the feeling of wanting to practice ). YANBU!

[MistressPage]

Ecclesiastes, you didn't so much touch a nerve, as just sound like a bit of a massive wally

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

I’m a mother, and I find it very depressing that some people think all a woman needs is a man to make her see sense no one should have kids who doesn’t really want them. It’s fucking hard work and I 100% understand women not wanting children

I had a colleague once who, not long after she married a man with 2 kids from a previous relationship, was asked by another colleague if she’d have kids with him. She said “I left it up to him. If he wanted to have more kids I’d have done it for him, but he didn’t so he got the snip”.

I felt sad that she pinned such an important decision on what he wanted and that, had he actually wanted more kids, she’d go through something so life-changing that she herself is clearly not bothered about.

[RosaTheOwl]

Ecclesiastises "And I've never had any voids in my life that art and nature can't fill to overflowing."

This. So much this.

[Tipsytopsyturvy]

No Eccles I certainly don’t hate you. Just worry your defensiveness is because you haven’t made the right decision for you.
I hope I’m wrong.
Anyway Eccles, on a Saturday night, I thought you’d be out spending your disposable income. Rather than winding up women that have chosen to procreate. No?

[Fragola76]

Crunchymum yes people know that I am childless by choice but i think quite often people don't believe that's true, because surely noone is childless by choice!?

Bernardblackshangover no defo no back story! Some of the people making those remarks didn't always know me well, or even knew my husband

Regarding kids as insurance against loneliness, well don't think that we don't all consider it. However, i like to think a lot of us are reasonable enough to know that's not right. Plus... so many if...at the end of the day kids could equally put so much pressure on the relationship (time, money, health ect) that you'd split up anyway, who knows...

[Ecclesiastes]

Fuck me, looks like I touched a nerve.

I still say having kids is a mug's game. C'mon haters. You know I'm right

[BernardBlacksHangover]

stevie

I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you ! Seriously, I applaud people who choose not to have children if that’s the right thing for them. It’s horrible when people are pressured into having dc they don’t want.

[BernardBlacksHangover]

I think a lot does come from people thinking their choices were the correct one (because it works for them) and therefore judging people for not following the same path.

This^^ is what I think too. I always say this on here, but it should be obvious; parenthood really isn’t what everyone wants or should do! I hate, hate, hate it when people try to convince people to procreate when they quite clearly have no desire to do so. Beak out!

And re the op; that is very rude. I can’t believe people actually have the gall to say that! Unless they think you’re single, hate your dh or there’s some other massive back story.

[stevie69]

Well. let's just hope that I never meet the right person then

[Flokidoki]

I think this is one of those things all of us get a variation of:

Have no children, people comment as you've discussed.
Have one child, people constantly ask when the next one is coming.
Have a third, people say 'but you already had two.'
Have more than three, and you're criticised / people are baffled that a person would want that many children.

I think a lot does come from people thinking their choices were the correct one (because it works for them) and therefore judging people for not following the same path.

Of course, sometimes it is just small talk. Other times I think people really do need to think about what, and why, they're making comments/suggestions/warnings to others.

[Raisedbyguineapigs]

rogan If people really are so dim that they can't make small talk without being offensive then they really shouldn't be allowed to speak to people!

[PeiPeiPing]

@Ecclesiastes



I think it's jealousy.

So many parents envy us our freedom, and our happy, equal relationships with men. Not to mention our disposable income and lovely lie-ins.

We should pity them.

@MistressPage


You know women who are mothers can also have happy equal relationships with men though, right? I agree that anyone who pokes at anyone re having or not having children can fuck right off, but please don't be so rude about mothers in general. We get enough stick on Mumsnet, bizarrely enough!

I agree with mistresspage ... I know some childfree women get a lot of stick, for having no kids, but don't start attacking women who ARE mothers by making out they are all jealous of you! No-one is!

Many women who are mothers have equal partnerships with their man, and surplus income, and the freedom to follow pursuits that they want to do, and lie-ins too! Do you seriously think that once a woman becomes a mother she never gets a lie-in ever again? Like, ever?!

How bizarre. I suppose you assume mothers never have decent sex again, and never have a social life again!

I know being child free makes you very defensive, because you are often attacked, but don't lower yourself to making spiteful remarks about mothers. It makes you look bitter and catty.

I am very pleased for you if you are happy with your choice to not have children, but when you get so defensive - to the point of severely deriding and mocking women with children - it makes me wonder if it's a case of 'the lady doth protest too much....'

I also think that although having children does not automatically mean you will not be lonely in your old age; it's less likely that you will be lonely if you have them.

Agree that 'wanting a mini version of your husband' is a bit macabre and sinister.

[ShatnersWig]

As a childfree by choice man, I can tell you it's not just childfree women that get this shit. I'm 43 and I still get "you'll change your mind when you meet the right woman". No, I won't because she won't be the right woman if she wants children

[Crunchymum]

Do these people making the comments know you are childless by choice?

Not that it makes a difference in terms of how fucking rude it is but imagine if you'd been struggling to concieve?

I can't believe people have said this and you've been with your husband for 2 decades. Jeez. I could overlook it as ignorance if you were single but given your long term husband it's just fucking shamefaced rudeness.

[Wolfiefan]

Jeez I hope my kids don't grow up thinking I have some gaping void in my life that they have to fill with grandchildren.
I hope to raise confident adults who are free and able to make their own decisions. I will be proud of them whatever those decisions are. I love them.
And when they've gone? I may go travelling or get another wolfhound or three. Shhhh. Don't tell DH!

[Ecclesiastes]

Well I hope my parents didn't want grandchildren to fill a void in their life because my siblings and I have not obliged.

And I've never had any voids in my life that art and nature can't fill to overflowing.

[Trills]

grandchildren to fill the void

Yuck.
Human beings are not there to "fill a void" in someone's life.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

Annoying isn't it. When I was in my 20s and told a family planning nurse I never wanted children she said I'd probably change my mind when I met Mr Right and would have them to please him! If I wanted to please a partner I'd go for oral sex rather than bring a child into the world I didn't really want. Stupid woman. I'm late 40s now and have never regretted being child free for a moment. Also, I am so glad I never became eternally linked to any of the many unsuitable men I've dated by having kids with them.

[Wickedstepmum67]

'Dances with Otters' - me too in terms of cats. And as my monniker suggests, I am a stepmum to some extremely grown up step 'kids'. Being a cheerfully and voluntarily childless woman has elicited some beauties of 'helpful' remarks and deeds over the years. In my 20s it was 'you'll feel differently when you have your own', and having random babies plonked in my lap with, presumably, the intention I'd get the right idea by osmosis? Then in my 30s the old 'biological clock' routine and dire warnings of regretting it later. Now I am heading into my 50s it has gone a bit quiet but I am just biding my time waiting for the pitying looks when I announce there are no grandchildren! Also, the one about having 'no one to look after me'.

[Splinterz]

I have friends like you, Op, had it all, good jobs, happy marriage, lived the dream. Then one of them died and the remainer would do anything at all for grandchildren to fill the void. So whilst I go some way to agreeing with your post, no one knows what the future may hold. After all, as this board often shows, having children is no guarantee that they will actually like you and want to be around you in your dotage.