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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hire a cleaner to prove my point to DH?

240 replies

sameshitjustdifferentday · 10/11/2017 06:52

It's another tedious "DH not pulling his weight in house" thread I'm afraid.

Long story short. I had a long talk with DH nearly two months ago about him not doing his fair share in the house, how disrespected it makes me feel etc. We set up a weekly cleaning rota and for a while it went well.

However it's gradually slipped back into the way things were. He will Hoover, but miss the stairs out/not Hoover up the cat/dog hair. Empty the bin, but fail to sweep kitchen floor afterwards when there's bits all over. I can only assume he thinks the fairies mop the kitchen floor, clean the bathroom, clean under kitchen appliances etc because he never sodding does it! He's also slipped back into leaving dirty plates in kitchen sink overnight which is my biggest bugbear ever!

Would I be unreasonable to now get a cleaner in? I told him that would be my next move if he couldn't sort his shit out and he hasn't. Tbh we can't really afford it, but I'm not spending the rest of my life doing 90% of the shitwork and I've told him so.

Just feeling so let down by him right now. Ironically he wants us to buy a house asap. So I can apparently go from doing nearly everything in a one bed flat to everything in a full sized houseHmm

OP posts:
reetgood · 10/11/2017 07:51

I have to admit that I’m fairly accepting of the ‘person does not see it’ perspective. I have lived with boyfriend for seven years now. I don’t think he’s ever actually cleaned the bathroom or wiped a surface under his own iniative ever. Or dusted, thinking about it.

However, he is in charge of the laundry to the extent that I think I’ve almost forgotten how to use the washing machine. He will make sure the dishes are done when he’s at home. Yes I need to let them be left over night, but he’ll get it done. And I hate doing dishes. He hoovers (not quite how I would, but he hoovers).

He could easily walk into a scummy bathroom and not be bothered by it. I know, his previous house had a truly manky bathroom ;) For household harmony, I just accept that if I care about it more than he does, I need to do it (or get a cleaner). I learnt this when living in a shared house, it’s not just a couple thing. My standards aren’t particularly high but there’s some things that just drive me a bit mad. I take ownership of those things.

I can’t quite tell if this is a case of partner not pulling their weight, or you having different standards. My boyfriend takes responsibility for jobs in the house, but he does them his way. If it’s different standards, maybe just hire the cleaner as a gift to yourself :) If it’s jobs round the house then sometimes devolving responsibility for specific tasks can work. You have to let the person do it their way though.

Original poster
sameshitjustdifferentday · 10/11/2017 07:51

I'm infertile since you ask speakout

OP posts:
murmuration · 10/11/2017 07:53

Getting a cleaner sounds fine. I love mine! But as others have noted, it won't really impact him - if you want to send him a message, can you get him to arrange the cleaner? DH actually did arrange a cleaner for us because he knows he can't clean to my standards (he's chronically ill, so he physically can't), and so doing the legwork of researching/interviewing/etc cleaners was his contribution.

(PS - not all cleaners are women - we had an excellent male cleaner for several years)

Original poster
sameshitjustdifferentday · 10/11/2017 07:54

Perhaps we do have different standards, but I can't live with a dirty bathroom and a house that smells of animals!

If he took responsibility for laundrette etc it might sugar the pill a little, but he doesn't.
I don't take responsibility for his either though. He will occasionally come and tell me he has no work trousers and I will point out that he hasn't washed anyGrin

OP posts:
Summerswallow · 10/11/2017 07:56

Everyone is right.

Having a cleaner is brilliant for having the floors mopped, a thorough hoover, windowsills wiped down etc, and a reallly good clean of the kitchen, once a week.

It doesn't solve daily cleaning tasks like wiping surfaces or dishes in the sink.

Not everyone cares about dishes in the sink, I don't and my husband does.

In general I do a lot more daily cleaning though, and it is wearing. My husband's mum used to come and do his cleaning for him when he was an adult male. I did eventually break the pattern and get him cleaning the loo by explaining that by not doing it, he was basically saying that my role in life was to clean his shit.

pigeondujour · 10/11/2017 08:04

He will occasionally come and tell me he has no work trousers

Eurgh, seriously? How do these guys still expect women to want to have sex with them?

Splinterz · 10/11/2017 08:05

I can't live with a dirty bathroom and a house that smells of animals!

I want a cat, said no man, ever.

FizzyWaterAndElderflower · 10/11/2017 08:10

Can you try it though - not do more than your share of cleaning for a couple of weeks, and see if he notices?

I've done that, and it sort of works. After finding too many baskets of totally crumpled clothes where he'd 'done the washing' by just taking them out of the tumble dryer and cramming them into a wash basket (multiple times, so crammed hard - and I'm easy going on this, never iron, so it was really, really bad in order for me to notice) - I just stopped folding his stuff. When I did the washing, I'd fold mine and the kids, put it away, and leave his in the basket. Eventually he noticed he had no t-shirts, and after a few rounds of this, he generally folds things now.

Ditto general stuff - I just made 'The big box of things DP is too important to tidy' and whenever something had been left lying around (eg. pockets emptied of receipts on the side in the kitchen, dirty socks under the dining table, important letters left on the settee for days, coffee mugs on the windowsill in the bathroom) I'd just pop them in the box. He got pretty angry the day he had to rummage through it to find his driving license, but then I was totally fed up of being the family secretary, supposed to notice all these things and appropriately file them for him.

See it as an experiment. This way, he'll buy into getting the cleaner, or step up.

FizzyWaterAndElderflower · 10/11/2017 08:11

I can't live with a dirty bathroom and a house that smells of animals!

I want a cat, said no man, ever.

Maybe not any man you know, but I'm the one who's having to stand firm on us getting a cat 'for the kids' because I absolutely know who'll end up looking after it.

juddyrockingcloggs · 10/11/2017 08:12

We’re in Yorkshire and our cleaner is £8.50 an hour. I only have her once a month because all I want her to do are the things I really hate doing! Skirting boards, door frames, windows, bathroom tiles etc. Next year when I make the final instalment on a loan I have then sh’ll be coming every week! Get a cleaner.

My husband does nothing with regards to cleaning either but to be fair I’m fine with that, he has other redeeming features but if you’re not happy with that getting a cleaner won’t make him change!

If you’re gonna get one it’ll be to make your life easier and that’s no bad thing!

beachygirl · 10/11/2017 08:14

A friend of mine said getting a cleaner for 2 hours a week made life so much easier as she doesn't have to spend all her time cleaning! Do the maths...

Justanothernameonthepage · 10/11/2017 08:20

Get a cleaner and also include your fee for arranging it - so if you're cutting out his favourites to the tune of £20, make it £25 then add in your favourite bits.
But also, he doesn't make an effort for you, so I hope if you're normally extra considerate, you spend the time you'd normally spend being thoughtful on thinking about yourself instead.

Miniwerewolfhugs · 10/11/2017 08:21

I think your cleaning standards are a little high and its unfair to your Dh to expect him to care as much as you. I do all the washing up here and I don't care about dishes left in the sink so I leave them. I've even left them for several days before. I often leave a few crumbs around and am genuinely surprised sometimes when I suddenly notice the dust that must have been building up for some time without me seeing it. Why should your husband clean to your standards? If his standards are reasonable and not a health hazard or an episode of Hoarders in the making then it should be you who takes on the jobs that are for your personal high standards. Basic cleaning to make your house liveable and hygienic should be 50/50 though.

MinervaSaidThar · 10/11/2017 08:30

I don't think expecting your DH to hoover stairs, hoover cat/dog hair, sweep bits off floor, mop the floor, clean the bathroom, and not to leave dirty plates in the sink for the OP is expecting 'high standards'? Confused that's basic cleaning.

And yes, under the toaster does need to be cleaned occasioally! Leaving crumbs underneath it and on floor is asking for mice and weevils.

justilou1 · 10/11/2017 08:36

Firstly - you are no longer responsible for laundering his clothes. Just yours. His can go into their own hamper/cupboard/wheelie bin. You decide which is more important to you - bathroom or kitchen, and clean it only. Get a cleaner in to do his bits and he totally can subtract it from the football money. (While you go out with your friends)

Trafalgarxxx · 10/11/2017 08:43

If you want to make your life easier, take a cleaner.

If you want to put a point, stop doing ANYTHING at all and wait for him to realise how bad things are and how much you are actually doing.
I can promise you that he DOES know. It’s not about having lower standards. It’s about him feeling it’s not his responsibility and that he is somehow doing you a favour by doing the little he is doing.
Once the dirt, no plate, no clothes will set in, he WILL see it.
Then, of course, let him clean up.

Butteredparsn1ps · 10/11/2017 08:43

Fine get a cleaner, but DH needs to arrange it. If you take responsibility, you just reinforce to him that cleaning is wimmins work.

Trafalgarxxx · 10/11/2017 08:46

And yes for me, not doing anything at all would mean just doing my own laundering, cleaning my own plate and glass to eat.
Not doing any hoovering, cleaning the kitchen or bathroom, cooking, food shop etc etc
Actually in particular not doing anything in the lkitchen because that’s what is needing the most daily attention (washing up, cooking etc etc).

eddielizzard · 10/11/2017 08:46

i agree - you have to stop doing his share. do yours by all means but chuck his crap in a box. the dishes - ignore. do not touch. watch them mount up. do nothing. even if his family come round. wait it out. steel yourself. he thinks you'll crack first. no you won't. not this time.

PenelopeStoppit · 10/11/2017 08:46

Before I bought a house with my partner I made it clear he needed to pay for cleaners if he wanted me to make that commitment. I had been taken advantage of before in the past and ended up doing everything and it wasn't going to happen again. He agreed and we have cleaners once a week (although we could get away with every other week). We don't argue over cleaning and I don't feel taken advantage of or disrespected.

If your partner can't afford to foot that bill then I suggest you do not buy a house with him! There will be bigger costs than cleaners to come.

Julie8008 · 10/11/2017 08:47

YABU, sounds like your a bit obsessive about cleaning, you dont need to do that much, the world wont end.

Coastalcommand · 10/11/2017 08:59

We have it the other way around. Husband has much higher standards of cleanliness than I do. It's hard because I really can't see what he's complaining about.
As a general compromise, we swap jobs, so I do cooking, laundry, shopping, dogwalking etc and leave him to the cleaning. If I do it, he redoes it anyway!
I genuinely think it's about different upbringings.

Justanothernameonthepage · 10/11/2017 09:07

And just to say. In our house it's the other way round. DH is naturally more tidy and I'm more messy. But since we love and respect each other, I make more of an effort to tidy and he relaxes over my messy blind spots (I seem to forget to put my clothes away). But I know his bugbears and since we talked about them, I make the effort not to do them and vice versa. Might be worth reading this if you haven't already m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9055288

reachforthestarseveryday · 10/11/2017 09:11

If he buys footie tickets every week, then you can afford a cleaner!! Go for that. Like you say, life's too short to have the same argument over and over...

mindutopia · 10/11/2017 09:13

Get a cleaner. Seriously, it's the best money I ever spent. I'm going on mat leave shortly, so money will be tight and we are still keeping her. It doesn't have to be about proving a point. It's about quality of life. It frees us up to do so much more and took a whole layer of stress off family life. I can't believe I didn't do it sooner than I did rather than trying to slog through doing everything ourselves (and I have a dh who is very helpful around the house). Still completely worth it.