To not take DD on holiday

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

*I'm trying to gain weight mum and I really fancy this for a snack"

OMG, she is playing you*

Totally!

I had tried to discuss with her needing extra calories if we were walking around etc, we had looked at kids menus online (she won't eat adults meals).

I will admit all the time I was thinking she has been there before and been happy there, maybe that might kick in a bit? But now I can see it may well not work that way.

Yes she is playing me. The same with "I will only eat organic m and S salmon" but you know what...when your child is starving to death in front of you, when they can't even walk up the stairs because they are so weak, I would have done anything to help her.

It's a revolting illness.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
But I would still take your DD2 and leave your DD1 with someone capable of keeping an eye on her.
You set the boundaries for her, she has pushed back and broken them, and you must now stick to them for everyone's sake.
Yes she's ill and yes it's a foul and horrible illness, but she still needs to have the consequences of losing weight again happen, or she won't see any incentive to change at all.

I'd be tempted not to take her just for all the shitty comments about not going on rides and things. She is being mean.

She is being mean. It breaks my heart when youngest says "it's okay mummy lets not do that, I don't want to really" when I know she does!

She never used to be mean, she was the sweetest kindest girl. Sometimes I feel we are living with a stranger who is in my daughter's body.

For all the reasons everyone else has already said I would take DD2 and do what you can to have DD1 looked after while you're away.

Someone needs to front out the Anorexia, sadly, DD1 isn't strong enough to, but you can be.

Also, how long till the holiday? Could she reasonably begin to get a little better in the meantime?

It's next week

If her therapist & Caulk who has personal experience of this same thing say leave her. Then it sounds like tough love is the right thing to do for her & you & your daughter too. Maybe think about offering your ED DD the chance of a 1-1 trip with you IF she sticks to the rules first this time. Knowing you don’t give in, might make her stick to her promise next time

Enjoy your break, sounds like you & DD 2 really need it 💐💐

Take your younger D on holiday. You both need a break from meal plans, therapists, and the constantly walking on eggshells, second guessing yourself, and blaming yourself that comes with being mum to an anorexic teen (my d17, 2 years in, 3 months post IP, current wfh93%)

Your CAMHS team sound quite typical - mean well but no ‘teeth’ or realistic meaningful practical help. I had to kick up stink to get my d escalated (at under 65%), the services are so stretched.

Anorexia is horrific- it’s like living with your child and their kidnapper. You can see she’s still there, but the shots are being called by the kidnapper. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’re dealing with her or ‘it’, at other times it’s loud and clear. You want to take the hard line with the ED but worry about hurting your child who is still in there. Not going on holiday will be hurtful to your D, but taking her will show both her and the ED that it is in control. Leave dad with an easy to follow meal plan (including written instructions on managing exercise and any other purging), meds list, contact numbers for her team, and a written list of things that would mean taking her to A&E. Then spend time with your younger girl, eat impulsively, switch your calorie counter and radar off for a bit, and laugh. My D has said that one of the hardest things has been watching the effect of her illness on the rest of the family when she was powerless to do anything to stop it - your D will be angry and hurt now, but there’ll come a time when she’ll understand.

There’s a reason that they tell you on flights to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others - you can’t help others if you can’t breathe yourself. When you come back, look up any local support groups via BEAT, the ATDT forum is useful and MAED on Facebook. The last two are quite American, but it’s beyond helpful to just be with people who get it xxx

It’s the condition, it’s insidious and it is like she’s being “possessed” by it.

I say this gently and appreciate you’ve been following advice, but from your posts I seem to see a pattern that the AN is winning this war in so far there is little incentive to get well.

Not using terms like “stabilising weight” as she prefers “healthy” - a term that’s much vaguer and down to her interpretation of what healthy means for example.

Demanding expensive food that’s difficult to get - to make it less accessible?

Not liking where she lives, so talking about moving?

Refusing to admit she’s lost weight and how’s she’s doing it - especially the timing given the holiday.

Again at the last minute starting to dictate how the holiday will unfold - what she will/will not do or tolerate.

It’s not “her” it’s the disease but I can’t help feeling that the control is with her. As such she’s seeing AN as a positive contribution to her life in so far it’s enabling her to extend that control across every aspect of her life - and frankly the rest of the family.

I’m so sorry your dealing with this. However maybe this is a turning point. An opportunity for her to realise that her condition isn’t “beneficial” - it doesn’t give her positive outcomes. It won’t be an overnight revelation, and likely to get worse before it gets better but I’m not sure filling her life to distract her from AN is a strategy that would ever work - essentially because it’s rewarding the condition.

My guess is she will lose more weight whatever you do. Once you are on holiday she has learned boundaries are not going to be upheld so she can wield control as she sees fit over every aspect of the holiday - this in addition to the fact she maybe physically unable to cope with long days in the park.

If you leave her, again she’ll lose weight. I don’t see a good outcome either way.

However there is a good outcome for your other DD. Which is to go on holiday.

If you feel unable not to take her - and I appreciate this is a very tough call to make, then I think you need to sit down with her and lay out some very strict rules for the next week and the holiday - and 100% stick to them.

I’m not convinced that will work though - it’s back tracking and I think you’ll get lip service in agreeing and once on holiday you’ll see the manipulation and need to assert control come to the fore.

I’d be tempted to speak to her therapist again and/or other specialist support organisations to talk this through.

Okay, I have just done a bad thing. Swiped her phone from her room to check it. In my defence I have only ever done this once before, about 9 months ago when I found a fitness app on there where she was logging her exercise and food she was actually eating (at the time she was only eating 300 cals a day unbeknown to me and exercising a lot). The app hasn't been used for 30 days apparently. What I did find were messages to her best friend basically saying could she please help her and watch her eat her lunch tomorrow because she thinks anorexia is taking over again and she's scared. I could be cynical and think it's a ploy for attention from her friends? Or that she is genuinely trying to get better. What I certainly didn't find were any of the pro ana sites she had on her phone before. Which is something.

But she's lost the weight somehow. And sadly I can't trust anything she says really :(

And yes in answer to the above i probably am doing too much. I am letting AN have the upper hand because I can never tell which is DD and which is her illness. Things like wanting expensive food come at the price of me going without, she knows that. It was doubly difficult when she was then hiding and throwing away that very food.

If she's asking for help and "policing" from a friend that suggests to me that she really is trying. If she wasn't she'd have a much easier time keeping them in the dark.

Especially if she hasn't been using MFP (which is notoriously addictive)

I'm so sorry you and your youngest daughter are going without because your daughter requests expensive food. That's not okay.But I don't believe she's being manipulative/cruel. When you're being forced to put on weight, food feels like it is actually violating you. It's traumatic and awful.
Like I say, you and DD2 should not be going without because of DD1's illness. But I don't think she's doing it to be spiteful.

*traumatic and awful so (ime) you choose "special" food so you can convince yourself that it's a nice thing rather than something which is violating you

Please take your youngest DD on holiday and leave DD1 behind.
You’ve done your very best for DD1 but you must put DD2 first now.
Go, don’t phone home, give yourself a break and a little time to enjoy life and relax. Your DD’s anorexia is not your fault and I’m sorry there’s so little day to day support available to you.

Whatever you do, take your youngest dd on holiday. Don’t cancel it. She sounds like she really needs it. You too op.

You know your kids best OP
But in my humble opinion yes you have an ill DD1 but DD2 will eventually crack and say hello! Look at me I exist too! Reading most of your posts, you move heaven and earth for DD1, rightly so but please please please remember DD2. Sometimes tough love is just what we need to give us that boost to do better. DD2 really needs some alone time with you. Your entire or atleast 80% of your focus is on DD1. From buying what she wants to even moving house. What impact has this on DD2? Resentment is going to set in sooner or later then you will have 2 troubled kids to deal with..
Dad needs to step up and assist. He helped make the kids he should help raise the kids.
Best wishes always 🌷

If she knew from the beginning what the goal posts were re: the holiday then YANBU - she knew what she had to work towards but hasn’t hit that goal.

Unfair on her sister to be punished and something ruined as what she will see as “yet again life revolving around older sister”......

Go. Take younger sister. Leave older sister.

She knew the consequences.

ED is so manipulative. I have experience of it, it's not nice for you and it won't be nice for her.

I think you need to follow through, especially as you have a therapist on board with it. It sounds to me like she is testing your boundary, and how you respond is very important. It isn't your daughter, it's the disease - don't give in to the disease.

Your other DD will be in need of some respite, as are you. Be kind to yourself and leave the ED at home.

I think it will be end of the relationship between your DDs if you don't take DD2 on this holiday.

Don't take her.
Her need for total control has spread beoyond her body and is now dictating where you can eat on holiday and the terms everyone can eat on.
That will not be helping her.
This is the disease talking.
If she goes when this I'll she wouldn't really enjoying any way poor thing.
My sister has been anorexic for 20 years. And whilst I have torn myself up over it as I love her deeply, it has also been the sole focus of my family. I've had to take a back seat for a long long time.

Go on holiday. As someone said, she does need to know she cannot control everything and everyone.