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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DD on holiday

540 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:31

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:13

Grandparents are lovely but very elderly. I don't know how they would cope with a medical emergency. I also don't think she would eat there. It would be a lot to ask of them if her behaviour detoriated.

OP posts:
Dozer · 09/11/2017 23:15

So sorry you’re all going through this.

It sounds really difficult. I personally think the best course of action, if you’re confident DD1 would be OK with her great grandparents, would be to take DD2 on holiday.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:15

Yes it's the manipulation that bothers me. When she says to her little sister "oh I'm not going to go on that ride you want to go one" or "we aren't eating there I will only eat in this place" it makes me sad and really cross.

It will be a week of finding the lowest calorie food and get doing jumping jacks in the bathroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:16

*her doing

OP posts:
RacingRaccoons · 09/11/2017 23:18

Op, it must be so difficult for you. But please please take your youngest away. She really deserves a special time and one on one support.
It will be nice for her to be centre of attention and not have to worry about being attacked.

Thesmallthings · 09/11/2017 23:19

I think if you cancell it you will hurting your elder dd. She'll see it as a win and pat on the back of how strong her will power is that she can give up a dream trip to be the size she is.
I also agree she'll feel even more in control and that's not something she needs right now.

Not to mention it will harm your youngest. You both need this.
And maybe the break will help your dd1

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 09/11/2017 23:19

Have you had a carers assessment? Has your younger DD accessed any support for young carers? You don’t have to actually be doing any caring to be considered a young carer.

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest · 09/11/2017 23:21

*Strawberryshortcake40 Thu 09-Nov-17 23:00:59
As I said I have asked her therapist. She said it's ultimately up to me, she said that in front of DD.

In the last six months I have been trying to make DDs life so lovely that anorexia isn't needed. I thought that by filling her life with all she wanted it would mean she would start to enjoy life. Instead it's led to this.

Sorry OP but that's your mistake - anorexia is not about a lovely life, or that anorexia isn't 'needed'?! and you've both been in therapy and this hasn't been picked up? ?? Anorexia is a MH illness (ime) whereby you hate how you look, have no control over your life so control it with food - you get 'positive' comments about how 'good' you look after losing a little weight, then the thought of eating means 'fat' - really didn't want to get into this and so close to home so going to hide this - I really do wish you and your family well xx

BabyOrSanta · 09/11/2017 23:22

Re: finding the lowest calorie food etc

Precisely. So what will your youngest DD get from the holiday if her sister goes?
It's be the same as at home just with different scenery.

And you know yourself, if she needs immediate care, there are health professionals around that will act in an emergency. As long as your DGP know how to access that help and what to look out for, what more can anyone do?

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:23

Actually her therapist advised me to fill her life, so anorexia became a smaller part of it. Which is what I've done! So a new school, fun social life etc etc. I didn't just come up with the idea on a whim!!! And it seemed to be working.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:24

And we were also told that anorexia is "a tool" she uses when she feels anxious etc so a happier life would mean she wouldn't reach for the toolbox so to speak. Again professional advice not mine

OP posts:
Thisisjustbetweenus · 09/11/2017 23:25

Give her one last chance. She stops losing this week, follows her meal plan and generally toes the line and she can come. But I would make plans, in her hearing, for what happens if she doesn't stick to your rules. Let her see that you are serious.

If you don't, you know where this ends. She is pushing you and (when there are no consequences) she will lose more weight. If you take her on holiday the way things stand you know that nothing in her life will change. She'll lose weight and there's nothing you can do about it - she's in charge. The only thing which might work is following through and showing her that she can't control you. Also, her sister deserves to see that she is just as important as your unwell daughter.

But you've been given this advice further up thread so I fear that you're trapped in an unhealthy dynamic whereby she has you over a barrel when she threatens not to eat. And she knows it. I hope you are having your own therapy to deal with this. Like in any dysfunctional relationship you can't control their actions but you can control your own response to it. Perhaps you need a 3rd party to help you see what is reasonable here.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:26

If we go I expect we will spend a lot of time in the hotel room. Or with her having a meltdown because she needs some expensive item or her sister got too close to her with an ice cream. All manner of fun stuff like that.

OP posts:
CocoPuffsinGodMode · 09/11/2017 23:26

I think there are a lot of knee jerk reactions on this thread from people who have no idea how manipulative and deceitful this illness can cause a person to become. I’ve known some people to say that an anorexia suffer can be more devious than heroin addicts, so strong is their need to stay in control. Nor do some posters appear to have any idea how damaging it is to actually live with the sufferer, either as a parent or a sibling.

Op you’re not punishing her, you know it’s far more complex than that. The “deal” was she could come on holiday if she worked at getting healthier. She knows she hasn’t but believes she can make you give in. That’s the control thing again, it’s part of the illness.

I’d go with younger dd2, it sounds like you both badly need the break and the time apart from dd1 might mean you feel better able to deal with her issues when you get back. Flowers

mustbemad71 · 09/11/2017 23:26

I feel for you OP - I’ve been where you are. I took my DD away and just accepted that she would probably lose a kilo when away and out of the routine and we’d have to get back on it on our return. Nobody can possibly understand what it is like doing battle with AN day in day out as you have done for so long now unless they have walked in your shoes. Go on holiday with your lovely girls. If you leave your eldest with your parents or your ex she will lose weight anyway - and you’ll be away fretting about her in any event. You all clearly need a well deserved break.

This isn’t her fault as you know - it’s f’ing AN getting a foot in the door again. Just try and be firm this week and supervise all meals and snacks where possible. At least you can keep your eye on her when you are away. Try not to get dragged into any arguments with the AN - the bastard is clearly doing its best to ruin your holiday already. It’s the most vile and pernicious disease. Flowers

desperadoville · 09/11/2017 23:26

Blimey, I feel really sorry for you all...what a horrible situation to be in. I THINK I would probably follow through and take my other DD on a well deserved break. But that's an easy thing to say on an online forum, I'm not confident i'd have the balls to follow it through. I hope things get easier for you all soon x

Cheby · 09/11/2017 23:27

OP PLEASE take your younger daughter. Please. She and you deserve the break. Please show her she is as important to you as your elder daughter. Show her she is worth your time as well.

I can't begin to imagine how tough this has been for you. Take a break and enjoy the week with your DD2.

Withhindsight · 09/11/2017 23:27

OP I have no EA experience, however I would go with youngest DD on the grounds that EADD is not well enough to go. Disney is hot, lots of walking, then being swung around/up/down etc and I found it exhausting. Visually it's busy too, the volume of crowds but also lots of attractions etc going on. She may well be too frail to cope with it on top of long flights with germ filled recycled air, it could make her quite poorly. Be kind to her, explain you feel she is not strong enough to go, but you will do something when she is well enough. Enjoy some time with youngest DD. Previous poster was right in that you can't do more at present if she does not want to get better. You are still there for her, but as she's not well enough to go, you are spending a week with other DD as promised.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:28

I'd love to be able to afford therapy for me!!

The thing is to all intents and purposes she has been eating this week. Certainly I have been putting the food in front of her and she seems to have been eating. And I've got whatever snacks she has wanted (and as usual youngest DD has gone without that kind of thing because I can't afford expensive snacks for both). So she has to have been hiding it again.

OP posts:
GottadoitGottadoit · 09/11/2017 23:30

Don't take her.

Prepare yourself mentally for her losing weight whilst you're away to punish you.

Liiinoo · 09/11/2017 23:30

Take your youngest and let your older one stay with your grandparents.When one of my DC had anorexia I was horribly aware that the healthy siblings needs were constantly pushed aside as we struggled with the illness. She deserves a break and so do you. If you cancel you are punishing her for her sister's illness.

If you take the older one as well, you are breaking the boundaries that you set to try and help her recovery and putting her needs ahead of her sister's needs. You say she is not yet ill enough to be hospitalised so a week without your supervision will probably not make much difference to the progress of her illness but will be good for you and the younger one.

Mumof56 · 09/11/2017 23:30

take your younger child and enjoy yourselves. your other daughter is acting like a manipulactive bully

GottadoitGottadoit · 09/11/2017 23:31

as usual youngest DD has gone without that kind of thing because I can't afford expensive snacks for both

WTF?!!! Shock

Bucketsandspoons · 09/11/2017 23:32

I'm so sorry, I can only imagine the stress you must live with from what you're describing. Flowers

I wouldn't take her. The rules were clear, sadly it's her choice that the consequences are big ones. Everything you have been doing for dd1 to make her happy hasn't stopped this happening, your and dd2s life necessarily has to be all about her, and it sounds as if she will be unstable and unwell whether she's in the U.K. Or with you on holiday. So for just that one week I'd be clear that dd2 is the priority and it's her turn to have her needs put first and experience some illness free space.

I'd probably choose respite if they will be more care informed for dd1.

mustbemad71 · 09/11/2017 23:33

Have you tried Maudsley family based therapy OP? Have you read Locke and Le Grange - How To Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder? The family based approach gave me the strength to do battle - I kept going even when my DD refused keep going. You must get some help and support for you.