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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DD on holiday

540 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:31

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

OP posts:
Whinesalot · 10/11/2017 15:53

Try the insurance route but if you are going to lose your money by not going then darths idea about a contract and a "last chance'" including behaviour may be worth a shot.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 15:54

Deemail
In practice that is what would work but if DD is in a meltdown I can't leave her in a hotel room while I go out. And I can't leave her in the middle of a theme park when she refuses to go on a ride.

She's come home absolutely defiant. Says she knows she isn't going and it's because I don't trust her.

OP posts:
Oddmanout · 10/11/2017 15:57

Tell her you don't trust her because she's proven herself to be untrustworthy. I feel so sorry for your DD2 here, I hope she gets to go.

Whinesalot · 10/11/2017 15:58

Ask her

"How can we turn this around?"

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 16:00

I've asked her. Her answer "I don't know". I've suggested she could up the food she eats between now and then and we could come up with a plan of what to do when we are there. Her answer "I am not eating any extra food".

Okaaaaaaaay then Hmm

OP posts:
Barbaro · 10/11/2017 16:02

Anorexia is about control. She is controlling her life and yours currently. As bad as it sounds, leave her behind. Your other daughter has needs too and this push might actually help the anorexic one more.

FeistyColl · 10/11/2017 16:03

I don't want to make the OP feel worse than I'm sure she does already, but the reality is there was never going to be a solution because the holiday plan was untennable. There never was a viable alternative to all 3 going on holiday.

OP could only apply the conditions to DD1 if there was a plan B to roll out - and there wasn't. This situation is not simply about DD1 controlling everything. It is about the OP setting up a situation that she couldn't follow through on.

Sorry OP, I realise that sounds harsh, but I don't think it helps when people keep saying "you've got to think of DD2 and stick to what you said" etc. It's not as simple as grounding a teenager or docking pocket money! This is about the possibility of leaving a vulnerable teen in a potentially harmful situation.

I absolutely do think you have to consider DD2 - but as I said earlier, the plan has to be realistic.

CountryGirl1985 · 10/11/2017 16:03

If you have someone who she can reliably be left with then for you and your younger daughter please, please go. Enjoy the break, have fun, let your hair down. Your therapist agrees with that too. When you get back you can start looking for other things to do with older daughter, but it sounds like you and youngest need a breather from this 🤗

LIZS · 10/11/2017 16:04

Is it wise to turn the holiday into a battle over eating before you even set off? You need to have a plan if you go for when she kicks off. If dd2 misses out day after day the whole thing will be a frustrating and pointless experience for her.

Whinesalot · 10/11/2017 16:06

What about a pp's suggestion of fortifying drinks? Maybe that will take the pressure off you all for the holiday?

I know it's hard but try not to be too hard on her and show your resentment. Mixed in with her disappointment is probably a lot of guilt. She's not old enough and/or too entrenched in her illness to understand her feelings: she needs to feel that you are on her team and that you can work together even the holiday does end up being cancelled.
Give her a cuddle and tell her that everything will be ok. See what she says to the new contract idea.

MyfatheristheKing · 10/11/2017 16:07

I really feel for your younger DD. None of this is her fault but she seems to be getting all the crap of the day. I worry about where the attention she will be needing/craving will come from :(

Taylor22 · 10/11/2017 16:10

I'm concerned about the catastrophic effect not going will have on DD2.

She is being abused. She is living every single day in an abusive house hold.
Are Any agencies involved regarding the abuse she is suffering?

What punishment did you give for calling you a whore?
It might be the illness but surely you don't still allow it to go unchallenged.

I understand she may retaliate if you leave. But she will know that she has lost a battle. And if she keeps losing then maybe she will realise there is no point in fighting in this war and begin getting on board with attacking her ED.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 16:11

Tbh I fully expect DD2 to get an ED of her own. It's very much more likely when a sibling has one. That is an utterly depressing thought

OP posts:
GottadoitGottadoit · 10/11/2017 16:15

Says she knows she isn't going and it's because I don't trust her

She's right, and that is fine.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 10/11/2017 16:20

I think you need to be cautious about some of the “advice” you are getting given on here. I sense that it’s not helping you and that people aren’t really able to put themselves in your shoes because they just don’t understand anorexia.

The trouble with therapists is that they cannot always advise, as such, hence why I think you’re in this position.

I wonder if you knew DD1 would be cared for adequately at home, that this decision would be slightly less painful. With that in mind, could your grandparents really not have her? I appreciate her behaviour is challenging but her father is clearly not able to step up and meet her needs.

Flowers for you. You are a wonderful mum and while DD1 can’t always see it now, she will see it later. I speak from experience.

roconnell · 10/11/2017 16:21

I agree with FiestyColl, I don't really see a way that this could ever have worked OP. You're right when you say you can't win. In the absence of any alternative care for either girl I think you are now faced with two options;
Either take them both away on holiday and deal with DD1 potentially ruining DD2s holiday.
Or, cancel the holiday and have two sad girls. Just pick the least worst option

DarthMaiden · 10/11/2017 16:21

Ok I’d stop asking what she wants. It’s crunch time now.

Personally I wouldn’t fight a battle about “more” food right now but I’d be rock solid about eating enough to maintain her current weight for the period of the holiday.

I’d write up a contract as below (don’t discuss it with her but make sure you are very clear on consequences) and tell her to read it and agree or not.

If she can’t/won’t agree, I’d tell her it’s not up for negotiation point by point - it’s all or nothing and the holiday will be cancelled.

Any money you do get back will be spent on DD2 and you will be looking to make provision for respite care for her for you to take her younger sibling away on holiday - maybe a weekend in Disney Paris. Not America sadly - but Disney none the less and without her sister. Giving her sibling something to look forward to at this point is vital.

I’d speak to Disney and see if under the circumstances they would be amenable to swapping your booking. It’s worth a shot. Equally your grandparents looking after her for a long weekend is easier (and more feasible) than for a week and if you know you are definitely not taking DD1 you have time to plan respite care.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 16:23

My grandparents are in their 90s. They love her very much and I expect she would be a great help to them but I worry they might not be able to cope if she became more erratic with her behaviour.

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 10/11/2017 16:25

OP you sound utterly exhausted. I understand that I really do. Your younger DDs childhood was my childhood. But I really think you need to start implementing boundaries abd putting your DD2 first. I echo what Taylor22 has said. She is being abused and you are doing nothing about it. This holiday will not cure your DD1, leaving her at home will piss her off but at the end of the day she’s pissed off all the time anyway so you know what? Fuck it. Leave her at home and take your DD2 who it WILL help and WILL mean something too. You need to be firm and you need to start doing it now for both their sakes. Marching to the beat of anorexia’s drum is short term easy, long term and giant mistake you can’t take back. Having firm boundaries with it is short term pain, long term gain.

LIZS · 10/11/2017 16:25

But maybe she wouldn't behave in the same way towards them.

sparklewater · 10/11/2017 16:26

Apologies not read full thread - but what does DD2 want?

I say this as a recovered anorexic; her needs should be the priority for once.

BitchPeas · 10/11/2017 16:26

*and putting

  • a giant
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 16:26

If she loses weight she will be like that to whoever. She has in the past. It isn't just me who has had to cope with it.

OP posts:
Arrietty123 · 10/11/2017 16:28

Could you leave her with your grandparents with the back up plan being that she will have to go to her dads if needed? Feeling for you so much right now. Impossible situation :(

HurtyTeeth · 10/11/2017 16:30

You've two therapists advising different things. Why is the private therapist influencing your decision over the other?