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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DD on holiday

540 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:31

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

OP posts:
FlowerPot1234 · 10/11/2017 15:15

OP, I'll bow out of this thread now after your last post, which shines new light on where you are coming from. Anorexia just does not make her behave this way, and the sentence "anorexia has won" just doesn't make sense. I am not sure who is telling you this, but it sounds like the kind of populist layperson narrative which is so unhelpful in situations like this. But for you to realise this requires face to face expertise and probably time, and it would be unhelpful of me to comment further on a messageboard. I really hope you take the holiday with your youngest daughter. Good luck OP.

BillySmut56 · 10/11/2017 15:16

OP I'm sorry you are all in this situation Flowers

You have received fairly unanimous advice here. Listen to it. I agree with PPs that you and DD2 need this break. I wonder if DD1 would also benefit from some time away from you and her sister? Some breathing space will be good for everyone IMO. As far as I understand, you say in some earlier posts on this thread that you can arrange respite care for DD1, but then later say this won't be possible, although I may have misunderstood this. IMO if possible it would be better for DD1 to have respite care, spending the week with someone who isn't as emotionally invested in her illness may give her time to reflect. But if there is no respite available I'm afraid I would send her to her dads if she were my daughter.

Stick to the boundaries you agreed, it is in BOTH your DDs interests that you take DD2 on this holiday and leave DD1 at home. DD2 needs the break, and DD1 needs to know that you are consistent.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 15:17

Sorry to explain the issue with ex further. Her therapists believe that her anorexia was triggered by witnessing years of his EA towards me and his threats of suicide. His methods of dealing with her are anger, crying or letting me sort things. He is continually dieting and exercising so sets a bad example to her. He believes she is "better" as she isn't at hospital admission stage anymore. She chose to go LC with him after an issue at his where she was terrified by his anger and called me to collect her. I actually believe he is possibly in the throes of an eating disorder himself (her therapist suggested this) and as such isn't a particularly stable person to be around.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 10/11/2017 15:19

Rather than cancel the holiday could your ex or a friend take your dd2?

FeistyColl · 10/11/2017 15:19

Flowers OP It is a totally shit situation.

I echo what Whinesalot says.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 15:20

Yes I thought respite care would be available but it seems camhs think her dad is a better solution.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 15:20

There is no way my ex is taking my youngest. She wouldn't want to go with him anyway!

OP posts:
roconnell · 10/11/2017 15:21

Ah, I've just read your two most recent updates. I agree with Flowerpot.

It seems like you have spent the last two years putting DD1 first and bending over backwards for her, in the process rather overlooking the needs/wants of DD2. Its time to put DD2 first. Let her have this much needed break.

Standingcat · 10/11/2017 15:21

Can you push the date back rather than cancel?

I think you need to have some family counselling with your DD, set some boundaries, AN isn't an excuse to call you a "fucking whore". I bet that she doesn't treat anyone outside of you and your DD as badly.

BarbarianMum · 10/11/2017 15:21

So who could take your youngest, as you can't?

roconnell · 10/11/2017 15:23

Could your parents take DD2 while you stay with DD1?
I know they can't have DD1, but I thought maybe DD2 is different as she's less complex

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 15:24

My youngest wouldn't want to go with anyone else and there would be nobody who could take her anyway. We don't have any family support.

We have done two and a half years of family therapy. Aggression towards parents is common, I've spoken with a mum who had her nose broken by her DD with AN. As is that kind of language. Sad but true.

OP posts:
Taylia · 10/11/2017 15:24

Please don't let your youngest miss out.
I feel for you all including your eldest but I really feel for your youngest xx

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 15:25

No my mum does not see my DDs much at all. Certainly would not take either of them for any length of time.

Sounds like I'm making excuses but I wouldn't be so exhausted if I had any help

OP posts:
LIZS · 10/11/2017 15:26

You seem to be seesawing based on whichever person you last spoke to. Maybe there is more than one way to tackle the problem but I can't help thinking conflicting advice is not helping you or your dd. What contingency plan did you have in mind should this scenario arise? Can things really get any worse if she stayed with your ex? Could you make the holiday shorter so that you and dd2 have a break but dd1 doesn't feel as if she has been abandoned or punished for being ill.

FeistyColl · 10/11/2017 15:27

I hope you don't mind me adding that this thread illustrates why it is so risky to rely on strangers on a forum for advice re MH issues. It is impossible to explain the complexity of each individual situation. The consensus on here was (almost) unanimous but the professional who knows the whole situation best has given totally different advice. Advice which is specific to you and your DD.

I really wish you well.

TheMadGardener · 10/11/2017 15:29

I feel so so sorry for your DD2 here. She loses out all the time to the needs of her sister. She has to witness her sister swearing at amd threatening you. She probably doesn't feel safe in her own home. She finally gets promised the holiday of her dreams but either a) it will be cancelled, because of her sister, or b) you will all go but not enjoy it because of the restrictions imposed by her sister''s behaviour.

Leaving DD1 behind would give you a break and reinforce to DD2 that she does not always have to defer to DD1''s needs.
The horrible fact is that whatever you do for DD1 it may never be enough to pull her away from AN. It would be awful if DD2 one day decided that maybe getting her own ED is one way of getting some control back from her sister.

I was the sibling of a very seriously ill child. My life revolved for years around sitting in hospital corridors during her appointments. I couldn't do any hobbies or activities because they didn't fit in with the demands of my sister's illness. Our meals were planned around what she could eat. I got pretty angry about it at times. Obviously as an adult I can understand why my mother (lone parent) had to organise our lives that way, but when I was 10 I just felt like it was all so unfair and that she must love me less than my sister. I craved more attention.
My sister did recover (doctors were actually amazed that she did!) 30 years on we have a very good relationship. But I do feel so much for your DD2.

BarbarianMum · 10/11/2017 15:31
DarthMaiden · 10/11/2017 15:33

Thanks OP.

I can see why you would be so unwilling to leave her his care. That does sounds completely unworkable.

Given the advice of the therapist you’ve just had had I agree your choices are now very limited Sad.

To be honest, despite what’s been said if you could secure a safe space for her whilst you went away I’d still look to take your DD2 on holiday - but if that’s not possible I think you are fundamentally back to you all go or none of you do.

You mentioned the possibility of respite care in an earlier post - have you looked further into this?

Alternatively, as I mentioned in a pp I’m not convinced it will work but maybe you need to play hardball and tell DD1 your going to cancel. She has one last chance to turn this around.

Any bad behaviour (verbal/physical abuse, manipulation of yourself or her sister - list it all out be crystal clear) or additional weight loss means game over. Equally if she displays those behaviours on holiday there will be serious consequences that curtail her freedoms/wants both during the holiday on your return (again list them and make sure they are things you are 100% sure you can and will follow through with - removal of spending money, not being able to chose an activity the next day etc).

Write it all down as a “contract” she has to sign. Make sure there is no ambiguity about your expectations.

Carebear1357 · 10/11/2017 15:34

I would go for the wellbeing of your other child. Your ill child can be looked after by another family member. I don't see what the problem is. She had a goal and didn't make it, if you let her go she will think she's ok to lose more weight.

SandSnakeofDorne · 10/11/2017 15:35

I think that's a massive mistake, but can anyone else take your younger daughter? Do you have any siblings? Your eldest's therapist is talking only about her, not about the effect this will have on her younger sister. I think it could do lifelong damage if she has to miss out.

Andro · 10/11/2017 15:43

Also use medical reasons/the therapist to explain the cancellation to DD2 so that she doesn't blame DD1 personally.

After 2.5 years of her sister being the number 1 priority, I doubt it will matter what the explanation is - her sister's ED will once again been allowed to ruin things for her. The OP is in a lousy situation; she has 1 child in the thrall of AN and the other in serious danger of developing MH and/or self esteem issues, she cannot meet both of their needs if the private therapist is to be believed wrt the holiday,

Deemail · 10/11/2017 15:49

Ok so your option now is for you all to go or all to stay at home.

I would go, I'd be expecting the worst from your dd behaviour wise but I would try to let her have as little control as possible
So what if she won't go on rides with her sister or swimming. You go instead.
Highlight to her that any behaviour that's intolerable will be dealt with when you get home. If that means removing her phone or WiFi access for a time so be it. Also highlight to her that you know she loves Disney, you won't be able to afford to go again so it's her last chance for some time to enjoy it and also probably the last holiday you'll all have together. Show her you believe in her and want her to come.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 10/11/2017 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 15:52

Im not sure exactly who DD2 would be able to go on holiday with! If I had a parent/friend who was able to look after one of my DC then I wouldn't be having this issues. Im not meaning to sound ungrateful for the advice but truly I would like nothing more than for DD2 to have someone she could stay with, it's not great here for her sometimes

OP posts: