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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DD on holiday

540 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:31

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 10/11/2017 08:34

A very difficult one and I’m no expert but both you and your younger daughter need the break so go without her. This is also what the hcps say?

becotide · 10/11/2017 08:35

Missed that this was america

DO NOT take her to America. If she collapses in America because of a pre-existing condition it could end up costing hundreds of thousands of pounds. Being ill in America is life destroying without good quality American insurance and they will not cover a pre-existing condition such as anorexia

She has not tried hard enough to got her weight higher, she cannot come. Hard boundery

mustbemad17 · 10/11/2017 08:38

Haven't rtft but i think you should take your younger DD & leave the older DD behind. ED ia massively about control, but it extends beyond personal control; by giving in & taking her you are giving her absolute control over you & DD2. You have set the boundaries, she was aware of the boundaries. She failed to stick with them, therefore she cannot go.

If DD2 is feeling so pushed aside that the only alone time she gets with you is by getting into bed with you, then you need to spend some time alone with her. Yes ED are MH issues; even carers of people with MH issues get breaks. So why shouldn't you & DD2 take a break? The strain of constantly catering to DD1 without any time for yourselves could ultimately lead to your own issues. Put your foot down, pack her bag & tell her she is staying with x; then take yourself & your DD2 & spend some time bonding

peachgreen · 10/11/2017 08:39

I'm glad those with experience of EDs have spoken up and recommended you follow through with the boundary you set and leave your DD1 behind. You're not unfairly punishing her - you're simply being consistent. I think it would be dangerous for her to feel that there are no consequences to her illness.

JetCityWoman · 10/11/2017 08:39

OP, go. Just go. I am a mum with DC with a controlling and manipulative aspects to their mental illnesses. it is exhaustion and frustrating and you do feel resentful at times. All normal given the circumstances.

Go on the holiday and don't take her.

You need the holiday. Your younger daughter needs the holiday.

Do not feel any guilt about it. Its a break its self care for yourself.

FruitCider · 10/11/2017 08:42

I think it would be dangerous for her to feel that there are no consequences to her illness.

Absolutely spot on peach.

Nousernameforme · 10/11/2017 08:44

Go fgs at the very least you and younger dd need a break her father can step up. Her illness is just as much his to deal with as it is yours.
Please, please go just the two of you

Iamembarrassed · 10/11/2017 08:47

I am your youngest daughter, I had a older sibling that had severe issues and I spent my time missing out on things and not being able to go out or on trips because money was spent on her and wasn’t left for me. I vividly remember being so excited to go to this little fair event, I was being given £10 to have and spend I looked forward to it for weeks and my sister manipulated the situation a few hours before we were due To go so I couldn’t go as no one could take me and being told it’s because she was sick didn’t cut it and it seriously fractured my relationship with my parents and my sister. I know as a adult sometimes it’s all about give and take but that didn’t happen in my child hood it was all about my sister and honestly I was negelected because they focused so much on her i was treated like my needs didn’t matter

What I’m saying is I fully understand you need to support your daughter but not at the cost of your youngest because she will remember and your moving for your oldest but you haven’t thought about your youngest

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 08:48

We have insurance. It cost £200 more to over her illness. She is covered.

This morning she is calm and defiant.

Ex is an arse. So much so that a month ago the therapist wanted to report him to social services, yet apparently now they think it's okay for her to stay with him? He's seen her for 3 hrs in total in a month.

I'm feeling very ill over this

OP posts:
MyfatheristheKing · 10/11/2017 08:48

Op take your younger DD and go. Do not take older DD. She does not sound well enough to be walking miles and miles around theme parks in the sun. As others have said, if she takes really not well and needs medical attention whilst away you will be up a creek!!

I have been your older DD and looking back I wish my parents had not given in to my crazy demands and requirements. (Vegan anyone?)

You need the break with your younger DD. Go and enjoy it

MyfatheristheKing · 10/11/2017 08:49

X post about the insurance but I still think she doesn’t sound well enough.

Frouby · 10/11/2017 08:50

I wouldn't take her. Take your younger dd.

You have to draw a line somewhere. For both your dds and for you.

It's a week. You are telling dds illness it isn't in charge. You are. You are telling your younger dd that she matters too. If your younger dd sees that this behaviour controls so much in this way you will be enforcing the idea that if you are ill in this way you get to call the shots.

It won't be easy for your oldest dd. She might decline and need admitting. But she might decline on holiday or after the holiday too. I would get her in respite care with family visiting and leave her to it. Or send her to her fathers. Let him take some of the burden. She might not like it but that is the consequence of her behaviour. And yes she has an illness and yes the behaviour is her illness. But it won't help her illness long term if her illness wins again.

Your younger dd matters too. As do you.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 10/11/2017 08:53

Could your ex support your grandparents to have her? So she'd be somewhere more stable for a week but then ex could support if she deteriorates?

I think you should go with younger DD. It sounds like an increadibly difficult situation for you all Flowers

FruitCider · 10/11/2017 08:55

* This morning she is calm and defiant.*

Definitely don’t take her. It seems like her ED thinks it’s already won.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 10/11/2017 08:56

I'm looking at the pile of new clothes she insisted on having, new backpack etc etc and feeling so utterly furious with this illness.

OP posts:
becotide · 10/11/2017 08:57

Don't take her.. Leave her with grandparents, leave her with her dad, hell, leave her in CARE - do not take her.

FlowerPot1234 · 10/11/2017 08:58

I'm feeling very ill over this

OP, the therapists believe it is ok for her to stay with her father now. They also believe you shouldn't take her on holiday. Try and keep your mind clear and look at this objectively. Read all our posts - we are objective.

There is a resounding "take your youngest daughter on holiday and leave your eldest" voice here. This is said from concern and help and to stop you becoming ill too. You might become really ill on holiday and have a nightmare time. This isn't fair to you or your other daughter, and if you take the eldest daughter with you, you'd be facilitating her poor choices and behaviour.

You need to realise that you can be part of the solution too by not becoming part of the problem. Don't reward her, don't ruin your younger daughter's life, and don't make yourself ill.

Please, go on holiday with your youngest daughter.

becotide · 10/11/2017 08:58

She can keep those things for next time you go on holiday IF and ONLY IF she gains the agreed weight. She has NOT gained the agreed weight for this holiday, she does NOT go.

LIZS · 10/11/2017 09:00

No it seems she shouldn't go. Not because she has n't made her target, deliberately or not. But because the situation is intolerable and you all need a break from each other. Offer to plan a trip with just her when she is well. As long as she is going to be safe and well looked after take your dd2 only. Your frustration is evident bit it seems as if you believe she has control over this, which with an ed she likely doesn't. Her poor behaviour is a reaction to the problem within. Are you having any support or counselling?

SilverSpot · 10/11/2017 09:01

The illness is absolutely shit.

It's terrible for your daughter. It's terrible for her sister and it's terrible for you.

I really think that taking your other daughter away for some 1-on-1 time and a respite break will do you both the world of good.

Her therapist has said it's ok for you to go without her - why would you care what random people on the Internet think over your daughters therapist.

saoirse31 · 10/11/2017 09:01

V ltd experience of ed, but agree with most posters that you should go with younger dd . older dd hasn't kept to agreement and taking her would reward that. Cancelling for all rewards older dd in that she's in control , and it would be massively unfair to your younger dd to cancel.

The issue is where she goes while you're away and I'd be inclined to choose respite from what you say. Its a horrific illness and I'd agree with posters above, whether u take her or leave her her weight will more than likely go down a bit that week. But that is not your fault. From way you describe things, she is a long way from being well but you cannot ruin your other dds childhood because of that.

I think especially you should go given the changes you've made in a you're lives for her which more than likely are already resented by your younger dd. Maybe also it's time for a conversation with her about behaviour towards you and your other dd , I know illness affects behaviour but it doesn't completely remove responsibility for behaviour.

sweetbitter · 10/11/2017 09:01

What are your specific concerns re: her staying with her dad while you are away? Is it basically that he will not stay on top of her illness and she will lose more weight? I get that that would be awful in itself, but OTOH even on your watch this week with your obvious dedication and sacrifice she's lost 1kg. From that point of view maybe two (or one?) weeks with her dad, even if she does lose weight during that time, wouldn't be unthinkable.

FeistyColl · 10/11/2017 09:02

If there were always conditions relating to DD1's weight attached to the holiday then you must have known there needed to be a plan B. But from what you say plan B is staying with their Dad and you don't feel that this is a good situation for either DD.

If it was a possibility I would go with what Meep said and cancel the holiday and put separate plans in place for both DDs. I know you said 1:1 was not possible but that is what you are already contemplating by considering leaving DD1 behind. A holiday to America just seems like such an enormous step given the severity of DD1's condition and I'm surprised that her therapist thought it would be a realistic possibility.

I really do feel for you and the heartbreaking reality of the illness, together with the devastating effect it has on DD2. You clearly are a fabulous mum who would do anything for her girls but are faced with an illness that is unremitting.

I honestly do feel for DD2 but I also feel that (totally unintentionally) DD1 was put in a position where was she unlikely to be able to succeed, and where the consequences of not succeeding are severe.

1Mother20152015 · 10/11/2017 09:03

I think you should go with the younger daughter and without her. Sometimes the greater good has to prevail - you and your daughter are two people. The sick child is a third. It may be the better course to do something for you and the younger daughter (and even just the younger daughter for once even if you will not enjoy it being away from the other one as you are worried). They are very difficult issues - to what extent to save a child you love you damage all the other children in a family. Given anorexia does not always have great outcomes i suspect on a rational basis it may be better to do what is best for the daughter who is not sick, horrible though that sounds but given the nature of this awful illness.

Oddmanout · 10/11/2017 09:06

I think you have to leave her otherwise what incentive does she have to get better? She'll know she gets her treats anyway regardless so how will this stop her from doing it?

Stand by your word and give your other poor DD the break she needs.