To not want to support DP in the future

[Methemandus]

NC for this and will leave out details as it could be outing.
DP and I don’t live together, we both have two children but none together.
I’m a single parent and have spent the last 10 years struggling financially and doing jobs I hate because the hours were suitable for childcare reasons.
DP for the last few years has earned considerably more than me but all of his spare earnings have gone on spoiling his kids and I have paid 50/50 for everything whenever we’ve done things even though at times I couldn’t really afford to.
Due to me having my kids all the time the majority of our time spent together has been at my home with me picking up the increase in the bills as a result of this e.g extra showers (on a water meter), cooking at mine although he would bring food it is my gas and electric actually cooking it, extra toilet roll, toothpaste, all the extra expenses of having someone extra living with you. It may seem petty bringing these little things up but I have been seriously on my arse financially with just enough to cover my bills. Anyway the point I’m making is that he’s never really been forthcoming with financial help when he knows I’ve been struggling.

We had talked of moving in together due to the amount of time we do spend together but that’s on hold whilst I complete some qualifications which will then enable me to get a fantastic job which will mean I’ll earn considerably more than him.
Moreover my grandma is in ill health and I will shortly be inheriting a large sum from her estate which I want to buy a house with.
My issue is now I’m not sure I want to be buying a house for “us”. I am working extremely hard to get these qualifications and after having a long hard think about it I don’t see why I should be buying our family home. He has horrendous credit due to old debt and is a lot older than me so would be unlikely to get a long term mortgage now.
So it would be down to me. I would begrudge buying a big house to accommodate his children also when he hasn’t been very generous with me. He had taken quite a big pay cut from work and I’m worried now I’ll end to supporting him and his children (and in turn the exW) and I don’t want to.
I’m doing all of this to give my children a better life.
He is so lovely in so many ways and is very loving but he’s always seen his money for him and his kids, but I have a feeling it will soon become “our money” when I begin to earn a lot.
Where do I go from here? I don’t want to break up with him but I am really worried about this. Am I being selfish? What would you do?

Emily that’s great practical advice thank you xx
My concern is what if I die young for example.
My cousin passed from cancer aged 36 leaving 2 young children behind. In those circumstances my children wouldn’t have my Home would they? He would?
I might have to stipulate that everything is left to my Mum until the kids are 21. She would need the money from my home, savings and whatnot to pay toward looking after them. I wouldn’t want him and his children living there until he died many years later.
Gosh this is all so complicated! Xx

'He sees it as his absolute duty to still support her and spoil the kids, which is why I think he’s never offered to help or put towards my bills. '

Bill that increased to you by his being there. He knows damn well how water meters work, but was happy to have two long showers a day at yours and not offer a bean, knowing you were struggling, too. Those bills were his, too. Still are.

Honestly, I'd put the breaks on his staying there. 'I have only 15 quid to do me. You'll need to stay at yours for a while, I really can't afford to pay extra on my bills.'

Just like that.

You're paying for his kids at the expense of yours.

Are you sure you are really a family or he's your partner? Because you seem to be living completely different lives. Find yourself someone else. Buy a house but only in your name. Don't even think about putting his name on it.

Get legal advice and get a contract drawn up stating that the house in yours and he pays a fair market rent/bills. He won't be entitled to anything if you die if the house is in your name and you aren't married and you leave it in your will to your children. Don't marry him as then it gets a lot more complicated.

You need to think about what would happen to your children if you die young (even more so if you are single). If you want a friend or relative to have them you should leave them sufficient funds in your will to cover the cost. You can still leave the house to your young children but obviously someone will have to look after their affairs until they are old enough. Get legal advice!

Think you need to discuss this with your partner and come to agreement because otherwise this money thing will end up being a bone of contention forever more.

If you die young he will not get your property unless you’re married I’d make a will anyway, leaving everything in Trust to the kids till they are grown up.

Don’t get married whatever you do!!

Definitely get legal advice. I have unravelled too many post breakup/divorce estates and it's a bloody nightmare unless everything is crystal clear from the start.

if he cannot contribute a deposit, do not buy a house with him.
If you do, protect your respective deposits/capital with a second charge on the house, this is perfectly standard.
It doesn't sound as if you are in any sort of place where you or he are expecting to combine your finances, so the simple answer is just don't.
If you must, make sure everything is clear and separate - it's your house, you pay the bills, the mortgage etc from your account. How you apportion living costs is difficult, as it sounds like he'd be quite happy to move in and continue for all his money to go to his kids/ex and let you support him.
Look after your children and your interests.

I was in a relationship with a man with whom i had enormous financial disparity. I earn well, he's on benefits, i own my own home he rents and is hard up because of the cost of living. I have a child, he doesn't. It wasn't the fact he was on benefits that was the problem it was that he assumed I would be happy to start topping him up as it were, and to support him entirely if we moved in together. He assumed. It caused conflict.

He might be lovely but he is being manipulated by his ex and that is a messy situation to be in. I’d steer well clear.

You are in fact subsidising him so that he can subsidise his ex. Can you deal with that in the long term? His kids are very young and his sense of financial responsibility towards them won’t end at 18.

I cant remember who said it now I think it was an actress. The quote was "if you want to know what hes really like have dinner with his ex wife"

Anyway the point I’m making is that he’s never really been forthcoming with financial help when he knows I’ve been struggling.

I stopped there.

Lose him

He sounds like a brilliant dad and exH but a poor partner.

It's not really that complicated, he hasnt got your back....

Carry on as you are then ! It might end the relationship but I think you are right to think this to be honest . And it means you can squirrel to money away for yours kids when they need it ?

You need to write a will and educate yourself on this legal shit OP
Got to you Gov website and they have details on what's needed you can even draft your own OP