To not want to support DP in the future

[Methemandus]

NC for this and will leave out details as it could be outing.
DP and I don’t live together, we both have two children but none together.
I’m a single parent and have spent the last 10 years struggling financially and doing jobs I hate because the hours were suitable for childcare reasons.
DP for the last few years has earned considerably more than me but all of his spare earnings have gone on spoiling his kids and I have paid 50/50 for everything whenever we’ve done things even though at times I couldn’t really afford to.
Due to me having my kids all the time the majority of our time spent together has been at my home with me picking up the increase in the bills as a result of this e.g extra showers (on a water meter), cooking at mine although he would bring food it is my gas and electric actually cooking it, extra toilet roll, toothpaste, all the extra expenses of having someone extra living with you. It may seem petty bringing these little things up but I have been seriously on my arse financially with just enough to cover my bills. Anyway the point I’m making is that he’s never really been forthcoming with financial help when he knows I’ve been struggling.

We had talked of moving in together due to the amount of time we do spend together but that’s on hold whilst I complete some qualifications which will then enable me to get a fantastic job which will mean I’ll earn considerably more than him.
Moreover my grandma is in ill health and I will shortly be inheriting a large sum from her estate which I want to buy a house with.
My issue is now I’m not sure I want to be buying a house for “us”. I am working extremely hard to get these qualifications and after having a long hard think about it I don’t see why I should be buying our family home. He has horrendous credit due to old debt and is a lot older than me so would be unlikely to get a long term mortgage now.
So it would be down to me. I would begrudge buying a big house to accommodate his children also when he hasn’t been very generous with me. He had taken quite a big pay cut from work and I’m worried now I’ll end to supporting him and his children (and in turn the exW) and I don’t want to.
I’m doing all of this to give my children a better life.
He is so lovely in so many ways and is very loving but he’s always seen his money for him and his kids, but I have a feeling it will soon become “our money” when I begin to earn a lot.
Where do I go from here? I don’t want to break up with him but I am really worried about this. Am I being selfish? What would you do?

Please get legal advice before you move in with him OP. We had a cohabitation agreement that laid all this stuff out, and then a pre-nup. Not cheap, but better than it all going wrong, heaven forbid.

if he has seen you in tears knowing you have £15 left and is not offering to contribute or help you out then he is very selfish. I wouldn't see a friend that distressed never mind my DP

I really agree with this. I treat my friends better than that.

I think you should bin him. Not because of the money in the future, but because he doesn't treat you well right now.

I'm so sorry.

OP how old is he and how old are his children?

I think you should bin him. Not because of the money in the future, but because he doesn't treat you well right now.

^This

You are on track to do amazingly well for yourself and your children. Don't waste your time with this guy who doesn't treat you well.

Look, anyone who's this hooked on 50/50 knows exactly what he's doing, or she's doing. They know there's a cost to use leccy and gas. And the excuses as to why he has to be at yours more than his. I really hope the scales fall from your eyes soon, OP.

I’m beginning more and more to see the difference between a partner and a boyfriend. People have started calling their boyfriends, partners.

He is early 40s and his kids are 12 & 8, mine are 7 and 4

Absolutely DO NOT marry this man or have anything whatsoever in joint names. Keep all the money for yourself.
He is utterly selfish and has shown no interest in helping you whatsoever.
Quite honestly I'd be rethinking this relationship altogether. This money is your passport to a much easier future.
If he wants to know why you have taken this attitude then tell him it's becasue he has not helped you out at all and why should you.
Don't be a mug for love and make the same mistakes I did.

Early 40s is young enough to get a mortgage.

I think you need to spell out the increase in household costs and the impact on your budget. If he doesn’t get it then you have your answer.

You are effectively subsidising his living costs at the moment and that’s pretty shocking.

pickle I think you’re right. A partner should be reserved for those who are equal. I just don’t like using the term boyfriend as I’m in my 30s lol

'I think I need to bring this up with him now, it’s been going on for 2 years'

No, you really don't. People like this never change. And what Coyote said. Fuck, I wouldn't even treat a friend like that!

'Nanna I did actually tell him he couldn’t shower here everyday anymore. I’m on a water meter and he takes super long showers twice whilst he’s here, when he gets in from work (he does a dirty job) and again before work in the morning.'

Otherwise, he'd have just carried on and not offered a bean.

I’m being a mug aren’t I

Fraid so OP! You have DOORMAT stamped on your forehead

Don't marry him.
Don't let him move in.
Protect your own finances, security for you and your children should be your priority. Just like treats for his children was his even when you were struggling. That's fine, it's his choice, but as a result you owe him nothing.

You're a fool if you let him gain a footholdin your house /bank account, his money will still be treat money for himself and the kids and he'll expect you to foot the bill for all the boring bits, like, you know, mortgages and car repairs.

Great that he's lovely and you enjoy being with him, still no reason why you should finance him

'I’m being a mug aren’t I'

Yep. He knows exactly what he's doing.

he would bring food it is my gas and electric actually cooking it

Mumof56 he doesn’t bring the food

Yes I’m afraid you are

Please don’t put yourself in any kind of vulnerable position by letting him have any type of financial claim on you.

Love can blind us, but you can’t get swept away hoping that his love for you will transform his financial habits and ethics. It won’t. No matter how much you hope it will.

His actions have been very consistent... and they speak for themselves. He is happy to take take take from you. He can sit and watch you be desperate to make ends meet and not think it has anything to do with him. He sees you struggling, and takes some more.

This is NOT a man to give any more power to. He could move in, then stop earning to live on your earnings, and shuffle his way into a position to claim money from you when you split, or decide he had a claim on your house.

I know it feels traitorous to think like this. But it’s really reallly not. Its looking practically at the situation and protecting yourself.

Sadly, love does not give any kind of financial protection, now or in the future.

What's this qualification that will instantly make you well off? (Why isn't there a nosey emoticon?)

Mumof56 I meant when he does bring food, he doesn’t provide all the meals and I never said he does!

Mumof56 i'm curious...if you & your partner (if you have one) stay at home do you charge each other for babysitting??? Seems an odd arrangement for a couple 🤔

OP, I think if you are enjoying this relationship, that's fine. But he is letting you pay for utilities etc which are higher than they would be, even though he knows you are struggling financially. And he knows he is doing this. I think you should buy the house which is right for you and your children, and protect yourself and them. If he is taking advantage of you now when you have so little, he may do so even more when you have an inheritance and are earning more.
No harm having fun with him if you enjoy his company but protect your own financial interests. Be really careful

His money is for his kids, yet it seems that your money is for his kids too. Why the fuck are you paying for his kids at all?

Why has he taken a huge paycut?

You have worked damn hard to get where you have. Why would you do something that would compromise you and your childrens financial future?

To buy a house to accomodate his kids will cost a lot more.

The only way to buy a house with this man would be tennents in common with the proper paperwork to show the % you each own, or if you pay 50/50 on mortgage you protect the deposit you put in so if ever sell you get your deposit then split what's left.

If you are daft enough to marry him then he will automatically be entitled to half of everything you have and you will be helping fund his DC's and ex wife.

I also wonder if, once you are earning a larger salary, he will suddenly decide he no longer needs to work.

Omg do not let him move in if you buy a house. Do not do this.

Sorry but I've learned the hard way. He might be nice but I don't respect him. Seriously rethink it all.

Omg do not let him move in if you buy a house. Do not do this.

Sorry but I've learned the hard way. He might be nice but I don't respect him. Seriously rethink it all.

DailyMail I don’t want to say as it would be outing. But basically I’ve been working in a rubbish part-time job as it was what was best for my children whilst they were very young. I already had very good qualifications but wasn’t in a position to persue that career as a single parent with tiny children. I’ve since undertaken a masters degree part time and when I’m qualified it will enable me to earn a lot of money straight away, and it will only increase with hard work.