To not want to support DP in the future

[Methemandus]

NC for this and will leave out details as it could be outing.
DP and I don’t live together, we both have two children but none together.
I’m a single parent and have spent the last 10 years struggling financially and doing jobs I hate because the hours were suitable for childcare reasons.
DP for the last few years has earned considerably more than me but all of his spare earnings have gone on spoiling his kids and I have paid 50/50 for everything whenever we’ve done things even though at times I couldn’t really afford to.
Due to me having my kids all the time the majority of our time spent together has been at my home with me picking up the increase in the bills as a result of this e.g extra showers (on a water meter), cooking at mine although he would bring food it is my gas and electric actually cooking it, extra toilet roll, toothpaste, all the extra expenses of having someone extra living with you. It may seem petty bringing these little things up but I have been seriously on my arse financially with just enough to cover my bills. Anyway the point I’m making is that he’s never really been forthcoming with financial help when he knows I’ve been struggling.

We had talked of moving in together due to the amount of time we do spend together but that’s on hold whilst I complete some qualifications which will then enable me to get a fantastic job which will mean I’ll earn considerably more than him.
Moreover my grandma is in ill health and I will shortly be inheriting a large sum from her estate which I want to buy a house with.
My issue is now I’m not sure I want to be buying a house for “us”. I am working extremely hard to get these qualifications and after having a long hard think about it I don’t see why I should be buying our family home. He has horrendous credit due to old debt and is a lot older than me so would be unlikely to get a long term mortgage now.
So it would be down to me. I would begrudge buying a big house to accommodate his children also when he hasn’t been very generous with me. He had taken quite a big pay cut from work and I’m worried now I’ll end to supporting him and his children (and in turn the exW) and I don’t want to.
I’m doing all of this to give my children a better life.
He is so lovely in so many ways and is very loving but he’s always seen his money for him and his kids, but I have a feeling it will soon become “our money” when I begin to earn a lot.
Where do I go from here? I don’t want to break up with him but I am really worried about this. Am I being selfish? What would you do?

You carry on exactly as you have. DO NOT move in with him. At all. Treat him exactly as he has treated you and in no way mingle finances if you want your kids to benefit from everything.

'I don’t want to live on my own forever, I’m still young and I want a proper live-in partner or husband'

Doesn't have to be him. Just carry on for now.

Except really have no idea why you never brought up the extra cost it was to you to have him at yours all the time. Personally, I'd have dumped ages ago for not even offering to pay for what he was using.

OP think about consulting a solicitor re estate planning -- you can get advice about the best way to ensure that any property bought by you is retained for the benefit of you and your DC. Do you have a parent alive still? Your DF, for example, could set up a trust with you and your DC and maybe DGC as beneficiaries. You could then gift the trust the money you inherit and the trust would buy the house. You and DC would have the right to live in the house or any subsequent house the trust purchased. As you have only a beneficial interest your DP cannot make a claim on it.
However, if your current arrangement seems to be working aid stick with that in the meantime. When you are qualified and have a new career who knows who you might meet? Maybe someone more generous and willing to share what he has so the money issue will not be a factor
Good luck

I am another start again..Yes protect your inheritance from whoever moves in..

However something here makes me feel regardless of anything else..He is not the love of your life..Very comfortable.

He has had reduced living expenses living with you. Less loo roll etc. So your children will never be considered equal in his eyes and it sounds you feel the same way in this case.

Just a thought but if the situation were reversed and he was getting an inheritance and a huge pay rise what would HE do?

OP, he's got bad credit because of not paying debts. That alone tells me that no, this man should not be getting to live under your roof. Nevermind the fact he's a likely cocklodger. Stay separate or bin him.

Due to me having my kids all the time the majority of our time spent together has been at my home
e.g extra showers (on a water meter), cooking at mine although he would bring food it is my gas and electric actually cooking it, extra toilet roll, toothpaste, all the extra expenses of having someone extra living with you

Have you calculated his babysitting fees for all the time spent in your house because you couldn't go out anywhere?

Benedkite2 thank you for that advice! I will definitely look into it.

We discuss finances now as in I know how much he earns and he knows how much I do.
A few weeks ago he came round and I was in tears about finances so he knows how hard it’s been for me. This week for example after food and bills I will only have £15 left in my account, so although I’ve never been behind on my bills I’m cutting it seriously fine. He knows this, I’ve told him.
We haven’t spoken about joint finances yet with regards to buying somewhere as it’s about a year away due to my studying and I’m not sure he realises how much I will be earning at the end of it.

A pp commented that the advice is different when it’s a woman... but this is a different situation because her children are not his, and he has not supported OP or her children financially, or allowed her to work. When a woman is told she should expect a good share of DPs money, it’s because she has helped him earn that money by running his home and family life.

Has he contributed to chores, OP? Does he do a share of cleaning your house, washing, meals etc?

Agree that it’d be best to think carefully before considering living with him.

If he was at yours so often or suggesting doing things together and this was costing you money you couldn’t afford, did you ask him to contribute? If not why not?

I wouldn't be able to be with someone like that. Before my OH moved in, he stayed at mine pretty much constantly. Every week without fail he would come home with cash for 'housekeeping' which more than covered his extra use on the meters. He also split any food shopping/household essentials 50:50 every time. He has two older kids & also buys his mum's shopping every week (she's really ill) but still treats my DD as one of his own.

I'm not working now & so bringing in nothing; he has taken on the role of 'breadwinner' without a fuss & still makes sure everything is covered. He's a lot older than me & has his head well screwed on. If he was like your OH he wouldn't still be with me as I can't stand selfish people. You're either a team or you aren't; no them & us. I can understand you wanting your assets to benefit your children...but for him to let you struggle whilst staying at yours & running bills (which is a massive thing when you can just cover them) shows he isn't looking at you as a family team.

Mumof56 what a ridiculous comment. He doesn’t babysit my children and they are usually in bed by the time he gets here.
Him being in their presence at times does not mean he is looking after them? I am there.
I also actually look after his kids at times without him there as I am currently working part time and our kids like to play together. This is not reciprocated by him as he works really long hours

pickle no I don’t it all because it’s my home, he does it in his home. Problem is my Home suffers the brunt of the extra dirt doesn’t it

So, every activity you do together is split 50,50 and he doesn’t contribute to your household expenses at all. He doesn’t pay for more meals out, take aways... cook for you etc?

He's not going to pull his weight if you live together then. He can see you struggling with chores and money and he doesn’t help.

He knows you have very little money and have been stressed about having hardly anything after bills, and is at yours lots and not contributing financially?

Mean. Not attractive.

Why did you put up with that?

Did you also provide food for him?

He doesn’t pay for more meals out, take aways... cook for you etc?

He brings the food, she calculates his half of the electricity needed to cook it

Mumof56 what a ridiculous comment. He doesn’t babysit my children and they are usually in bed by the time he gets here

So you could leave the house and go out for a meal? No. He has to sit in if you want to spend time together.

I really think you need to talk to a solicitor tbh - just in terms of safeguarding in case you break up etc. You need to know that your money is safe.

You sound extremely sensible btw

You sound very unhappy with him OP.
If you were reading your post and it was another person you would be advising them to run for the hills wouldnt you?

Don't out him on the mortgage or the deeds. It can be a fucking nightmare getting them off and they could claim they're owed money in the event you break up (trust me, I'm living this currently - ex out fucking nothing in to the deposit, didn't contribute to fees, but I had him on m and d and now I have to buy the cunt out).

If he lives with you in your house get him to take over some utilities and the food shop or something so he's contributing financially. Make it clear before he moves in that if he can't afford it he can move back out again.

Heartless as this sounds it is, I think, the only way to go. I have a dp living with me and that's how we do it.

*put, not out.

You are being very sensible op. I wholeheartedly agree re seeing a solicitor but I’m another that thinks it might be better to end it all. I couldn’t stay with someone who could see me and my children struggle and not offer to help. I’m not saying he shouldn’t put his own children first, I think it’s admirable that he does, I just think he could have helped a little. If you’d only £15 left, £50 would be a massive help or offering to get a shop for you. He hasn’t offered even the smallest token gesture. If you really don’t want to end it, at least don’t move in with someone like this. I must say though, I think you’ve got the measure of him and that’s why you’re asking for advice on here.

Oh no OP if he has seen you in tears knowing you have £15 left and is not offering to contribute or help you out then he is very selfish. I wouldn't see a friend that distressed never mind my DP.

How would he react if you said sorry you cant use my electricity, gas or water as I cannot afford it this week. Do you pay for all of the food as well? Does he contribute anything financially to you as a couple or your family?

Mumof56 he doesn’t bring the food, we do it equally every time. I do one meal, he does the next. But it’s cooked at mine, it’s my utilities being used, my water, cooking oil etc. It may seem petty to you but it adds up when you are barely scraping by.
He doesn’t have to sit in at mine, he could always invite us to stay at his but he wouldn’t want to upset his children by having us there and not them.
Also with regards to dates, they rarely happen as he has his kids at the weekends but to be fair to him he does pay if we go out - probably once every couple of months.

'This week for example after food and bills I will only have £15 left in my account, so although I’ve never been behind on my bills I’m cutting it seriously fine. He knows this, I’ve told him.'

What? Who does this to someone they love? C'mon, OP. He doesn't offer for all the time he's at yours running up the heat, using showers, etc. for years. Is he still staying at yours, knowing you have only a few quid left? Who does 50/50 to the penny for years and years knowing the other person has very little money? Yeah, he'll change his tune once you finish your studies.

Nanna I did actually tell him he couldn’t shower here everyday anymore. I’m on a water meter and he takes super long showers twice whilst he’s here, when he gets in from work (he does a dirty job) and again before work in the morning.

I think I need to bring this up with him now, it’s been going on for 2 years