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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to support DP in the future

164 replies

Methemandus · 07/11/2017 16:22

NC for this and will leave out details as it could be outing.
DP and I don’t live together, we both have two children but none together.
I’m a single parent and have spent the last 10 years struggling financially and doing jobs I hate because the hours were suitable for childcare reasons.
DP for the last few years has earned considerably more than me but all of his spare earnings have gone on spoiling his kids and I have paid 50/50 for everything whenever we’ve done things even though at times I couldn’t really afford to.
Due to me having my kids all the time the majority of our time spent together has been at my home with me picking up the increase in the bills as a result of this e.g extra showers (on a water meter), cooking at mine although he would bring food it is my gas and electric actually cooking it, extra toilet roll, toothpaste, all the extra expenses of having someone extra living with you. It may seem petty bringing these little things up but I have been seriously on my arse financially with just enough to cover my bills. Anyway the point I’m making is that he’s never really been forthcoming with financial help when he knows I’ve been struggling.

We had talked of moving in together due to the amount of time we do spend together but that’s on hold whilst I complete some qualifications which will then enable me to get a fantastic job which will mean I’ll earn considerably more than him.
Moreover my grandma is in ill health and I will shortly be inheriting a large sum from her estate which I want to buy a house with.
My issue is now I’m not sure I want to be buying a house for “us”. I am working extremely hard to get these qualifications and after having a long hard think about it I don’t see why I should be buying our family home. He has horrendous credit due to old debt and is a lot older than me so would be unlikely to get a long term mortgage now.
So it would be down to me. I would begrudge buying a big house to accommodate his children also when he hasn’t been very generous with me. He had taken quite a big pay cut from work and I’m worried now I’ll end to supporting him and his children (and in turn the exW) and I don’t want to.
I’m doing all of this to give my children a better life.
He is so lovely in so many ways and is very loving but he’s always seen his money for him and his kids, but I have a feeling it will soon become “our money” when I begin to earn a lot.
Where do I go from here? I don’t want to break up with him but I am really worried about this. Am I being selfish? What would you do?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 07/11/2017 19:05

hmmm i don't like his stinginess. no way would i do this to someone who's struggling.

santhem · 07/11/2017 19:10

he didn't want to throw his financial lot in with you.

so its really just a casual boyfriend-girlfriend thing.

fine.

but not really getting why you want to go the whole commitment thing especially now he's the only one who will benefit Biscuit.

santhem · 07/11/2017 19:12

yeah, and he's sponging off your minimal single parent earnings, even now. on what planet is this OK to do?

mumisnotmyname · 07/11/2017 19:13

It doesn't sound like either of you love each other very much, which isn't a criticism. He won't help you financially even when you are in tears and you don't want to make the commitment to support him if you end up earning more. I can't help thinking you would be better to finish this relationship and try and find a more mutually supportive relationship.

Racmactac · 07/11/2017 19:13

Do NOT marry him.

DistaffSide · 07/11/2017 19:23

Just one note of caution, it's not unusual for Masters qualifications to be somewhat oversold by course providers. If you're making decisions based on this future job is it a sure thing? In some fields there is an oversupply of candidates. I'm seeing growing numbers of people with PhDs going for low-level roles....

Original poster
Methemandus · 07/11/2017 19:26

mumisnotmyname quite the contrary, I really do love him and I think he loves me. But he’s insisted our finances remain completely separate and independent of each other for the benefit of his kids. I sort of see where he’s coming from and he’s set the tone here. I want our finances to stay separate for the benefit of me and my kids especially when I become a higher earner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Methemandus · 07/11/2017 19:29

Disstaffside it’s maddively under subscribed and I know my pay will be as expected as I have already been offered several jobs whilst at studying which stipulate the pay increase once qualified. I begin my part time apprenticeship at a firm in January

OP posts:
Original poster
Methemandus · 07/11/2017 19:29

*massively I meant

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/11/2017 19:30

I think the boyfriend/partner thing is really important actually.

You think of him as a partner, but you live as boyfriend/girlfriend. And that's actually a good thing - it means there's another 'step' to be taken before you start to think of yourselves as co-habiting partners, if you see what I mean.

So talk to him - ask him where he thinks your relationship is going, what it should look like in 1,3,5 years (I wouldn't neccessarily be going into details about inheritances and salaries at that point though).

See if you're on the same page wrt to how your future works.

If not, bin. If yes, start to move towards a more equitable position.

FrogFairy · 07/11/2017 19:42

But he’s insisted our finances remain completely separate and independent of each other for the benefit of his kids

But to the detriment of you and your children. That would be a big fat nope from me.

expatinscotland · 07/11/2017 19:46

'But he’s insisted our finances remain completely separate and independent of each other for the benefit of his kids. I sort of see where he’s coming from and he’s set the tone here. I want our finances to stay separate for the benefit of me and my kids especially when I become a higher earner.'

But he doesn't, you see. You had to tell him to stop taking two super long showers daily at your house when he knew you were on a water meter after years. He knows you have a few quid to keep you going and he's still there, using up the power and gas to cook food, hasn't put his hand in his pocket. This has been going on for years! Get real! It's 50/50, unless it's of benefit to him.

Who does this? If I knew my mate had 15 quid to her name and I was there staying, for whatever reason, I wouldn't let her spend a penny extra, instead I'd offer to pay for stuff, insist! If she didn't let me, I'd sneak money in her purse before I left, because you don't do that to people.

Original poster
Methemandus · 07/11/2017 19:49

expat you sound like a lovely friend

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/11/2017 19:52

It's just what you do for people you care about, though, Meth, you'd do the same. Who wouldn't? Because you don't put people out, love is no excuse, hell, love is more of an excuse to want to support and help.

MinervaSaidThar · 07/11/2017 19:52

He doesn’t have to sit in at mine, he could always invite us to stay at his but he wouldn’t want to upset his children by having us there and not them.

That's the nail in the coffin for me. This man will always put his children first (which is fine). But it's to YOUR detriment, which makes it unacceptable.

Start charging him for utilities asap! £100pm? And does he ever cook the food.

This reminds me of that thread where the OP's DP had always insisted on separate finances, until she came into money. Suddenly, her money became 'their' money.

Tilikum · 07/11/2017 19:56

What did he say when you told him that you couldn't shower there anymore OP ? Because surely that was the point that any normal person would offer you money to cover the costs they'd incurred.

Good luck with your new job. Don't merge your money together!

Starlight2345 · 07/11/2017 19:58

Expat actually you reminded me I stayed with a friend who refused money so I would put money on her meter , buy extra food etc .

steff13 · 07/11/2017 20:04

What are the qualifications? Is it mortuary science?

mumisnotmyname · 07/11/2017 20:05

I really don't think his loves you, I am struggling to imagine how you feel loved by him when he leaves you in tears about 15 pounds. His actions have made it very plain where you are in his life as well as his words.

I also don't see how moving in together would work when you aren't even allowed round to his house in the evening in case it upsets his DC. It seems like there is a lot of emotional ground to cover first.

Sunisshining12 · 07/11/2017 20:05

What are you training to do? Sorry I'm in a similar position to you & would like to know of a job that allows a part time apprenticeship & good wages?

It's hard enough having a 'normal' relationship but even harder when it involves money and step kids.

Have you ever told him how you feel?

JohnHunter · 07/11/2017 20:17

Just keep your assets separate. If you are buying the house, it's in your name. If you want to buy the house together, just ensure you purchase as "tenants in common" and not as "joint tenants" so that you each own your proportion individually. Presumably you don't object to him (and presumably his children) from living there - it's just the matter of ownership? This is a common issue and easily solved during the house buying process.

DistaffSide · 07/11/2017 20:17

Pleased for you OP, it must have been hard to get through that studying with two small children, wishing you all the luck.

Original poster
Methemandus · 07/11/2017 20:18

Sunisshining I cant say as it’ll be too outing. But it isn’t a good wage whilst I’m doing the apprenticeship and it’s only part time because I’m still studying. It’ll be like a paid work experience until I qualify, I’ll then be working full time on a very good wage, does that make sense?
I’m very hard up at the moment as I can only work part time due to studying and my current job (unrelated to future career) is term time only so my pro-rata wage is awful and my postgrad studies loan only stretches so far. Apprenticeship starts in January and is only slightly better wage

OP posts:
Original poster
Methemandus · 07/11/2017 20:19

Disstaffside I’m still studying so not there yet! It is hard

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/11/2017 20:21

The fact that you even have to mention it is telling, especially after you had to tell him no more long showers at yours after he did it for years. Wouldn't you be mortified if someone had to tell you this (probably not because anyone with a brain would know it's pisstaking and have long offered money towards the extra cost). People like this always know exactly what they're doing, don't be mistaken. And the excuse about your not being invited to his, yeah, get real. If you did, I have a feeling he'd not hesitate to 50/50 you.