To not want to support DP in the future

[Methemandus]

NC for this and will leave out details as it could be outing.
DP and I don’t live together, we both have two children but none together.
I’m a single parent and have spent the last 10 years struggling financially and doing jobs I hate because the hours were suitable for childcare reasons.
DP for the last few years has earned considerably more than me but all of his spare earnings have gone on spoiling his kids and I have paid 50/50 for everything whenever we’ve done things even though at times I couldn’t really afford to.
Due to me having my kids all the time the majority of our time spent together has been at my home with me picking up the increase in the bills as a result of this e.g extra showers (on a water meter), cooking at mine although he would bring food it is my gas and electric actually cooking it, extra toilet roll, toothpaste, all the extra expenses of having someone extra living with you. It may seem petty bringing these little things up but I have been seriously on my arse financially with just enough to cover my bills. Anyway the point I’m making is that he’s never really been forthcoming with financial help when he knows I’ve been struggling.

We had talked of moving in together due to the amount of time we do spend together but that’s on hold whilst I complete some qualifications which will then enable me to get a fantastic job which will mean I’ll earn considerably more than him.
Moreover my grandma is in ill health and I will shortly be inheriting a large sum from her estate which I want to buy a house with.
My issue is now I’m not sure I want to be buying a house for “us”. I am working extremely hard to get these qualifications and after having a long hard think about it I don’t see why I should be buying our family home. He has horrendous credit due to old debt and is a lot older than me so would be unlikely to get a long term mortgage now.
So it would be down to me. I would begrudge buying a big house to accommodate his children also when he hasn’t been very generous with me. He had taken quite a big pay cut from work and I’m worried now I’ll end to supporting him and his children (and in turn the exW) and I don’t want to.
I’m doing all of this to give my children a better life.
He is so lovely in so many ways and is very loving but he’s always seen his money for him and his kids, but I have a feeling it will soon become “our money” when I begin to earn a lot.
Where do I go from here? I don’t want to break up with him but I am really worried about this. Am I being selfish? What would you do?

You didn’t mention love once in your OP, I don’t think that he is for you tbh. Keep things seperate and protect your assets

I'm so confused. He said finances are separate yet is always at your house using your utilities and gets 50 percent of food covered.

What a liberty.

I pay 99 percent of food and drinks and entertainment because I'm constantly at my bfs and shower there and he washes my clothes. I couldn't see him on his arse because we was 50/50 with them things.

He isn't being fair.

Sorry op you sound lovely this isn't on. X

You can have just as much fun, enjoyment and emotional support with a man who is solvent and generous.

Money is a big indicator of how he views life and his obligations to others. Who was he thinking of when he racked up his debt?

You are in your thirties, soon to be solvent and with a good job. Get out there and find a nice guy.

To be fair to him it was his ExW that racked up the debt, it’s one of the reasons they divorced. Debt has been cleared but his credit rating has taken a huge beating.

Don't marry him, he will have rights even if not on the mortgage. I don't think he sounds very nice at all. You're not allowed to go to his house when his kids aren't there in case if upsets them? Wtaf? Yet they play with your kids?

If he has seen you struggling yet has never helped you, I don't think I'd want to move in/marry someone like that.

You are not being selfish. Sounds like you've worked hard and not had it easy and want yourself and your children to benefit from your change of life circumstances. And tbh I think you're right to feel this way.

I think his response when you tell him that you want things to stay as they are in terms of your living arrangements will be telling. If he is happy with it, nothing needs to change given that you’ve said you really love him. If he throws his toys out, you’ll have your answer.

I’m dying to know what you’re training to be!

I’m still strughling with the picture of you in tears with worry because you have £15 left for the week for you and two kids. And your Bf of two years who has a good job nods sympathetically and doesn’t offer you a penny

He doesn't love you. He at the very least wouldn't allow himself to cost you a penny knowing how skint you are if he did. He has put himself and his kids first financially,you should do the same. Do not sacrifice your kids future by subsidising him, it's worrying that you are considering moving him in.

he's loving the best of both worlds huh he will reap the benefits when you qualify and increase your earning power massively and move into your newly purchased house... this guys a piece of work alright....

So what are you going to do, OP?

There’s nothing wrong at all in keeping finances separate when you don’t live together. Though I would expect him to contribute to your household a bit more being as he’s there so much using your facilities.

What will be interesting is whether he still wants to keep everything separate when you’re earning more and owning a property. I doubt he will.

Don’t wait to talk about things until they’re about to happen. Talk now.

He's being a tit and I think you need to be honest with him and let him know how you're feeling and how you're doing financially. I'm in a similar situation to you; I've just started a law degree at 23 to allow me to become a solicitor and am living in student halls. Most of my student finance goes on rent so while I'm looking for a job I have little to no spare cash. My OH is working full time and has a son from a previous relationship but he makes an effort to visit me every week (long distance relationship). The difference being he knows I'm struggling financially and will often bring his own toiletries, toilet rolls and food to eat whilst he's here.

Expat is dead right. If I went to stay with a friend, never mind a partner, who was struggling financially I'd be at pains to lessen the burden on that person. I'd buy food, take him or her out for a meal, leave some cash, whatever seemed most appropriate. I would not just leave them to get on with struggling when my being there had cost them money, even if just for a bath or whatever.

He wants to keep finances seperate. Don’t ask anything of him money wise while he stays as it’s only a couple of months before you hit the big time. Continue to keep finances seperate. Don’t finance him. What goes around comes around.

I think it’s very odd he arrives empty handed. Not even a bag of shopping or bit of cash towards his usage

As soon as you marry, all his bills become yours, do you want this to happen.

Methemandus Tue 07-Nov-17 20:40:50
"To be fair to him it was his ExW that racked up the debt,"

I bet i can guess why I bet he was as tight with her as he is with you.

Bunny I agree.* My bf and I live in similar circumstances (separate houses with our own kids to support) and for various reasons he’s at mine much more than his at the moment. He brings food, pays for any “top up” shops that we do, comes with wine and, crucially, does most of the cooking (he’s better than me!). He also pitches in with housework and does DIY jobs for me. I don’t feel like I’m being taken for a mug at all.*

Sorry about the bold thing. Ongoing issue.

My other concern would be if died and was on the mortgage without us being married, would 50% go to his kids and ExW

My Dad owned his house outright. No mortgage. He was with my Stepmum for 30 years and never married to her. He left the house to me in his will but when he made the Will, he was advised that he couldn't just expect her to leave and that he had to put into the will, clauses that covered her. She can live there rent free but has to be costs associated with the house, she can't rent the rooms out, she can't cohabit there, she can't leave the property empty for a lengthy period, she can't change the structure of the house and she has to keep it in a good state of repair. I own the house but am what is known as a Trustee, so until she moves or dies or does any of the above, I can't ask her to leave. She paid the Bills, my Dad paid the mortgage.

And no, she wasn't financially abused, she got left all my Dad's money which is the equivalent value to the value of the house.

You could maybe buy the house in your own name and set out the same conditions as my Dad did, making your children trustees of the house. You could then add on any children you may have together.

'"To be fair to him it was his ExW that racked up the debt,"

I bet i can guess why I bet he was as tight with her as he is with you.'

This. With bells on! Reams of threads on here featuring women putting basics on credit cards because of tight OH's.

Buy the house and put it in your name. State in your will that the children and any subsequent children will inherit property, cars and any cash.
If you do decide to move in together keep separate finances. Split the bills down the middle and have some bills in his name (which he pays and is therefore responsible for) and you pay for the others. If you want to be ‘fair’ do it as a 60/40 split (or whatever) to reflect income.
However, do you really want to live with someone who has acted in this way? Me and dp have separate finances, but would always lend each other money or cover a bill for the other person if needs be. He’s currently paying one of ‘my bills’ so I can save for a new car.
You mentioned he never gave you money, but did he realise how skint you were? Also does he technically have much spare income after bills/travel/child maintenance is worked out. He may have less than you assume and him bringing the food was his way of helping out with costs (because he can buy that on credit card as opposed to withdrawing £20/30 cash for bits)

I agree that he is rather mean and selfish - all in the name of looking after his kids. That is one thing but not being able to consider your rather dire finances really is upsetting to read about never mind live with.

So I think that you need to pull back a little - I wouldn't actually have that 'relationship chat' now in case it drives things forwards too quickly. Keep your future salary quiet - he should want you for you not because you may be 'worth more' soon. It is complicated enough with blending families and finances, but especially when there is an imbalance of power and understanding.

Also I was concerned about what you said about you not going to his house because it might upset his kids? That sounds like something to be concerned about.

I think from your point of view that you have a great opportunity in the not too far distant future and should hold off on any big discussions/ decisions until you are well into your first year of your new job and great pay. You may feel considerably different when you are actually working in your new career and earning that money and as you said earlier it would put you on a more more equal footing financially.

He may not be consciously nasty but at best he sounds like the sort that you will have to actively 'stand up to' and negotiate with to get what you need and deserve never mind what your kids might need in the future. I think that sounds like a lot of too much hard work...

So, I would absolutely wait until you are established to see how you your new career and about him and the relationship, and use the time between now and then to look at your legal options like being tenants in common etc and make sure that you have a clear idea of your options.

The last thing you want is to improve your position then buy a house with someone who thinks 'what's mine is mine and what's your is mine too". (also I think you have to slightly imagine what his attitude would be to finances if you were to ever split up or get divorced - a nightmare I am thinking.)

HelenaDove no he wasn’t and isn’t tight with the ExW at all. Debt was her buying unnecessary things like designer clothes for her and the kids, lunches out etc. DP didn’t know the extent of it as she would say she got a bonus at work for example. She’s still doing it now, constantly crying for more cash which he just hands over because he says he has to “for the kids”. But I’m being left out of pocket.
He sees it as his absolute duty to still support her and spoil the kids, which is why I think he’s never offered to help or put towards my bills. He’ll be sympathetic like “Oh that sounds hard” but has never said, here you go here’s £20 to put petrol in your car or towards your water bill for example.
He just sees his household and kids as solely his responsibility and mine solely for me to deal with.
I can’t see me living with him at all at this rate to be honest