To not want to support DP in the future

[Methemandus]

NC for this and will leave out details as it could be outing.
DP and I don’t live together, we both have two children but none together.
I’m a single parent and have spent the last 10 years struggling financially and doing jobs I hate because the hours were suitable for childcare reasons.
DP for the last few years has earned considerably more than me but all of his spare earnings have gone on spoiling his kids and I have paid 50/50 for everything whenever we’ve done things even though at times I couldn’t really afford to.
Due to me having my kids all the time the majority of our time spent together has been at my home with me picking up the increase in the bills as a result of this e.g extra showers (on a water meter), cooking at mine although he would bring food it is my gas and electric actually cooking it, extra toilet roll, toothpaste, all the extra expenses of having someone extra living with you. It may seem petty bringing these little things up but I have been seriously on my arse financially with just enough to cover my bills. Anyway the point I’m making is that he’s never really been forthcoming with financial help when he knows I’ve been struggling.

We had talked of moving in together due to the amount of time we do spend together but that’s on hold whilst I complete some qualifications which will then enable me to get a fantastic job which will mean I’ll earn considerably more than him.
Moreover my grandma is in ill health and I will shortly be inheriting a large sum from her estate which I want to buy a house with.
My issue is now I’m not sure I want to be buying a house for “us”. I am working extremely hard to get these qualifications and after having a long hard think about it I don’t see why I should be buying our family home. He has horrendous credit due to old debt and is a lot older than me so would be unlikely to get a long term mortgage now.
So it would be down to me. I would begrudge buying a big house to accommodate his children also when he hasn’t been very generous with me. He had taken quite a big pay cut from work and I’m worried now I’ll end to supporting him and his children (and in turn the exW) and I don’t want to.
I’m doing all of this to give my children a better life.
He is so lovely in so many ways and is very loving but he’s always seen his money for him and his kids, but I have a feeling it will soon become “our money” when I begin to earn a lot.
Where do I go from here? I don’t want to break up with him but I am really worried about this. Am I being selfish? What would you do?

I think you are jumping the gun. You don't have any money until your relative dies and you receive your inheritance.

My cocklodger radar is going mad!
Avoid and dump.

There are ways to protect yourself, such as he doesn't contribute to the mortgage or pay for any improvements. Before he moves in, get legal advice how to protect your assets. If he doesn't agree, then he doesn't move in.
If finances stretch that far get an extra bedroom. Not necessarily for his child, but so friends and family can stay over etc.

Buy a house only big enough for you and your DC (even if you could afford to buy something bigger) because he will just end up moving in with you and probably have his kids staying as well. House in your name only and everything protected for your kids. Don't let him give up his home and move in cos I don't see him changing for the better to be honest.

MrsMoasty with or without the inheritance I’m likely to end up pretty well off after completing this particular qualification I’m doing. The starting pay would be almost double DPs current salary

If I wasn't married to someone I sure as hell wouldn't dream of sharing an inheritance with them. The risk of them clearing off sharpish without consequences is much too high.
He doesn't sound like much of a partner, BTW.

Also my grandma is on limited time now I would rather keep her forever and not have a penny, but it’s an inevitability

I think you have to decide which you want more:

1. Him in your life and living separately.

1. Waiting for someone who you can live with (who won't be him, so you might as just end the relationship).

If you’re still young you definitely have plenty of time to find a lovely, kind, generous man. Don’t settle for this one.

He is sharing in other ways, he’s not a horrible selfish person otherwise I wouldn’t be interested at all. He would run to my rescue (and has done) at the drop of a hat but his money is for his kids. And I’m thinking the same way now

I think one of the most important conversations before a couple move in together is money, attitudes to it and how it will work differ from couple to couple but when they differ within a couple then it causes problems.

Have you had this conversation when considering moving in? How does he think money will be split? Have you ever told him you are struggling financially or has he always assumed you are OK?

Stay as you are, at least until after you have the fantastic job and inheritance, see if things change and then re think your decisions.

Definitely seek legal advice and how to protect your money maybe buy the house for your children, put regular savings in a trust fund and check your will.

There is always the risk that an ex family benefit from money either directly or indirectly. Just make him the lodger, easier all round

Don't move in together unless you have a very open chat about finances and make a formal agreement

OP I'll ask again, have you actually had a proper conversation about money?

Sorry about your grandma

I would call time on this one.

I think you know he's inherently selfish.

He's told you what his priorities are, ie not you. Don't accept when he proposes next year.

dosent sound like you really want to be with him enough ,you have been together along time but never moved in together,i think after all this time you are both wasting your time

you seem more bothered about the assets/money involved to be fare

you can protect yourself if your name is on the deeds only,but if your still not happy with that i think your thinking is a little selfish

He sounds like a waste of space. Dump him and get a partner who’ll support you when the chips are down, not take advantage when things are better.

I'd carry on as you are if you do want to stay with him.

I couldn't imagine being with someone like that, my DP doesn't have kids though and I have 2 due to distance we spend the school holidays there and he visits on his days off. I'm not working due to health issues but he always offers to top up the gas and electric if it runs low whilst he's here, he will buy food and takeaways for us all, and if we go out he doesn't mind treating my kids. We are moving in together at Christmas and unfortunately due to my health he will be supporting all 4 of us financially, he's prepared to do this because it means we can be together. In the future my health will hopefully improve so I can get back to working too.

If you love him raise this with him. Get it all in writing. Split bills 50/50 and get him to pay you a rent. Keep your own accounts also. He's been in a position to help you and he didn't. Stick to your guns!

He would run to my rescue (and has done) at the drop of a hat but his money is for his kids.

Yes but when he stays you are spending money on him when more of your money could go to your kids.

I have to agree, you really need a fresh start here.

Personally, I would end things and move on.
Being stingy and tight is a hugely unattractive quality and I just couldn't stand it, plus you sound like you will never really be proper partners, its very them and us. I wouldn't take the risk on someone I was lukewarm with.
Make the break, find someone you adore and buy a home for you and your children. Good luck.

Surely he'll understand your need to put your kids first before him as he's putting his before you... if he doesn't then he's a CL.

OP get proper legal advice about this. You don’t want to be burned further down the line.

For the record I’ve got DC and do hasn’t and right from the start DP would pay for my DC for groceries and stuff.

Meanness in a partner is not attractive. And just because he’s ringfenced his money for his DC, doesn’t mean he couldn’t have contributed financially when staying at yours and using your things. I bet his bills have gone right down since he has effectively moved in to yours.

When dp started paying for groceries and pretty much most of the daily living stuff at my house I tried to stop him and he said well no my bills are negligible now as I’m spending more time at yours.

I would tell him bluntly you’re not moving in together you’re keeping the status quo.

Personally I’d find someone else, you can do better.

Agree with what AlternativeTentacle said! Very much so.

I'd have the house in my name and start dating and meeting other people.
I'd just dump him as hes a tight arse and I bet will start crawling round you asking you to marry him etc when you come into money. Good luck and dont get saddled with him, he will sponge off you if you let him.