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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
whyioughtta · 05/11/2017 21:54

Clearly she's going through something awful that doesn't seem to make sense to any of us, even those of us who've experienced infertility & DB SIL conceiving at the same time. Sounds like ur SIL has built this up in her head to something completely unmanageable for her. You need to fix this with her. Contact her & ask if you can see her, express how important it is you build the relationship back up & try to listen to her - tho understand it may be too painful for her to talk to you. Give her a chance, it might be fixable & will be totally worth the little bit of extra effort if it is - for both of you, ur DD & the whole family

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 21:56

To exclude someone from a family occasion where she is the one who is only a member of that family by marriage is nasty in the extreme

It's her husband's birthday - no one is closer family than her!

Catinthecorner · 05/11/2017 21:57

I can’t believe in 8 pages no one has suggested this but:

Is it maybe possible SIL isn’t a callous bitch. Maybe, just maybe, the OP’s brother is saying things like ‘of course I want to see your child’ to his sister; but at home with his wife is admitting to being broken up by seeing a baby that looks just like his baby would do, but belongs to his baby sister who got pregnant no trouble. Maybe she’s just a good wife and protecting him from that by being the bad guy on this one?

Gemini69 · 05/11/2017 21:59
Hmm
LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 22:00

Take the baby and refuse to discuss it. If she wanted to make a scene that would be her issue to deal with not mine. Or I would tell your brother about the party in advance, ruin the surprise but tough shit, and bring the matter to a head publicly.

So your plan is: either ruin the brother's birthday or ruin the brother's birthday? Luckily, the OP doesn't seem to be nearly as self-centred as that.

LoveProsecco · 05/11/2017 22:01

OP can you speak to your DB about the situation? I also think there may be more than just her hurt she’s not managed to have a baby

lizabes · 05/11/2017 22:02

If she hadn’t invited other babies I’d say fair enough but the fact that it’s only your dd that is excluded is awful.

I wouldn’t go and when your brother ask why you weren’t there I’d explain that you are hurt that your SiL is only excluding your dd.

deste · 05/11/2017 22:03

Shiela I took 7 years to concieve the first time and nearly 9 years the second but there is no way on earth I would have done anything so wicked. What happens if she does conceive herself, just go back to how it used to be and everyone has to forget how she behaved.

CatsCatsCats11 · 05/11/2017 22:03

As someone who suffered from infertility, her actions are disgusting. How can she exclude and treat a 4 month old child like that.

3nonblondedd78 · 05/11/2017 22:03

Sheila did you not notice the but where her blood nieces and nephews are invited.

Tallulahoola · 05/11/2017 22:04

I wonder if it might be hard for her to see your parents (her ILs) fussing over the baby. Maybe your parents have been going on about how wonderful their first grandchild is, and that has made it hard for her? It's the sort of tactless thing my MIL used to do. And because they're your parents, perhaps you don't see it? Just a thought.

honeyroar · 05/11/2017 22:05

I tried for ten years to conceive. During those ten years many of my friends had babies. I cried my heart out over every last one. But my friends never knew. I held their babies, cooed over them, been to their christenings, you name it. Because life does go on. Even if it hurts. I will never be a mother, it's crap, but that's how it is, and I would be awful to punish my friends for it.

So I think your brother needs to kindly insist that the OP and her baby are invited to his party. If the SIL seriously can't cope with that, then there shouldn't be a party, it's that simple.

MulderitsmeX · 05/11/2017 22:07

Don't just turn up please! I understand both positions, I've been through baby loss and now have relative who is a bit jealous that I'm now PG and she's not, it's so complicated for a person's MH and not logical unfortunately.

But agreed don't go to the party, invite you DB for a lunch with your parents etc, I would imagine as your baby gets older it will be easier for her as DD will be less like a child she might have had. Flowers for you all in this difficult situation.

fabulous01 · 05/11/2017 22:11

Ok. I have had 6 ivf and on one cycle I was pregnant at same time as a close family member.
We had different outcomes

I couldn’t just couldn’t go to christening as the dates overlapped with what might have been

But ... I wouldn’t have stopped them from anything

But I wasn’t in same place as them for a long time.

I now have twins and I got there eventually. But maybe a private chat with her may be good.

So I understand both sides. I have friends who weren’t as lucky and I haven’t heard from them even though I didn’t have it easy. It is just such a hard thing to explain but talking may help

MyGastIsFlabbered · 05/11/2017 22:13

I also thought the comment about not being able to speak to the OP while she was pregnant was totally unreasonable. The brother should have put a stop to this behaviour then. If it’s a big party she doesn’t even have to spend time with the OP and her baby.

It’s not the same at all, but a week or so after I had a miscarriage I found out that a friend of mine was pregnant, it was unplanned. She knew I’d miscarried, I explained that I didn’t want to be a bitch but that I would struggle to hear about the pregnancy just at that moment. I accepted it was MY problem, not hers.

melj1213 · 05/11/2017 22:15

Maybe, just maybe, the OP’s brother is saying things like ‘of course I want to see your child’ to his sister; but at home with his wife is admitting to being broken up by seeing a baby that looks just like his baby would do, but belongs to his baby sister who got pregnant no trouble.

Then maybe, just maybe, he should stop arranging to see his niece alone, without SIL? It would be one thing if he only went to family occasions etc but the OP has said that her DB arranges to see her DD just without his wife.

So maybe, just maybe, the issue is definitely with the SIL as the OP has said in her posts, since all the evidence - the exclusion from invites, the refusing to meet the child, the withdrawing from speaking to the OP - has come from the SIL.

gingerbreadmam · 05/11/2017 22:16

Could you message sil and explain that you understand but dn is being bf and you can't leave her.

If it would make it easier maybe sil could meet your dd beforehand?

If she still doesn't want dd there then explain what you are planning to do. She will then have to prepare herself for what your dB will do.

LondonGirl83 · 05/11/2017 22:17

Also the posters who suggested women here are revelling in someone elses's infertility seem to be projecting. I can't see that anyone is even remotely expressing any pleasure in the SIL's fertility problems

Shankarankalina · 05/11/2017 22:20

If I were the op, I would go to the party alone, leaving the baby with DH. Be polite, bring a gift, and leave after twenty minutes, saying you have to get home to the baby. The principle of the rightness or wrongness can't be discussed in advance with the brother or the 'surprise' will be ruined. The oddness of the invitation (and did I miss the reply which explained how the terms of the invitation were made?) is clearly epically skewed against the op, but leave the discussion until after the party. Turning up with the uninvited baby is a really bad move; hiding the baby in the waiting car is a bad option. I think the SIL is behaving really badly, but if she is organising it this way, then let her deal with the fallout.

AngelicaSchuyler · 05/11/2017 22:20

As someone who's now on6 years unsuccessfully ttc and has put a brave face on through countless friend/family/sibling pregnancies, I think SIL is being unreasonable.

However, there's quite a bit of info missing about this particular situation that would be interesting to know - e.g., who told you that your DC wasn't invited? Has this issue you SIL has with you ever been discussed in the wider family? What do your parents think?

Also, some of the unpleasant name calling and language posters have used on here is shocking. Yes she's being unpleasant but 'wicked' and 'evil'?

I'd vote for trying to reach out to her in some way OP, or getting your parents/DB involved after the party to try and sort it all out.

Good luck, you sound like a really good person 💐

diddl · 05/11/2017 22:21

If Ops brother sees his niece without his wife, then he probably wouldn't be surprised at her not being invited & could be upset with Op if she did just turn up with her after being asked not to bring her.

londonrach · 05/11/2017 22:21

Having been in sil shoes could not see a young baby. At one point i had to see my dsis baby but seeing my sil and bil baby as well was a step too far. I sent dh on his own. Its hell. The pain is unbelievable and the courage of those who can see babies who gone through it and still not got a baby is amazing. They stronger than i was. Yes everyone on mn will say i was selfish but at that low point i was the same as sil. A friend has just gone through similar and now pregnant (finally, am keeping my fingers crossed) and not meet my 15 month dd or another friends baby. I understand 10000000%. I was one of the lucky ones. Dd took her time to come but shes worth it. Yabu and should book baby sitter and enjoy time with out baby.

LoverOfCake · 05/11/2017 22:24

So given that around 20% of couples struggle to conceive, should babies all be excluded from public events lest they upset someone who can't have one?

Everyone has problems in life. Everyone has to find their own way of dealing those problems, but they have to find their own way which doesn't include excluding others or making others accountable in any way.

Yes, it's upsetting when you're struggling to conceive and can't. But life does have to go on. And given this woman has invited babies to the party there is absolutely no justification for her to have excluded the OP's baby. In fact to have even suggested it given it's only a birthday party is ridiculous. If the only grandchild on that side of the family can't go because of SIL's issues then there shouldn't be a party.

If she's not careful the family will start excluding her from family events on the basis that they'll obviously be too upsetting for her given there will be a baby present? Would that be ok? No didn't think so.

And added to that it is people like the OP's sil who ensure that people will form their own pre-conceived ideas about those struggling to conceive, when most people do accept that life must go on regardless.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/11/2017 22:26

LIsaSimpson, but the wife ISNT hosting the party, she has simply organised it, been the facilitator. It isn’t about her. The host is the birthday boy, surely?

Would you expect a hen party organised by the bride’s best friend to stipulate who could and couldn’t come? Of course not.

KarmaStar · 05/11/2017 22:26

Perhaps her family will not put up with her banning their children and she knows it.
Without hearing both sides its hard to give you totally balanced advise but I wonder if she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your brother.
Everyone on here agrees that she is suffering but this does not excuse bad behaviour such as this and you are definitely justified in feeling the way you do.could her parents intervene or one of her siblings?
I hope this gets resolved and you,as a family,get to celebrate with your brother.