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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
MiddleAgedMinger · 05/11/2017 21:17

Well if she is jealous that is her issue to resolve not the OP's.

I would just arrive with DH and baby and brightly say 'we couldn't find a babysitter and we were aware other young children were going to be present so didn't think it a problem'. Making a thing of leaving baby in car so not to cause upset will just make the issue bigger IMO and give SIL an excuse to continue her ridiculousness.

melj1213 · 05/11/2017 21:18

I would definitely go to the party but just pop in for 10 minutes, with DH and DD in the car, saying that you wanted to stop by to wish your brother well on his birthday, but knowing that SIL finds being around your DD uncomfortable, you don't want to bring DD in and since she's EBF you can't stay long and don't want to make the night awkward so you're going to go but will arrange to meet up for coffee or something later.

Also if your other brother feels so strongly, do you think he could have a word with your Birthday brother about how your SiLs behaviour is affecting you (and in a more general way the future of wider family gatherings) in a "brother to brother" chat?

turquoise88 · 05/11/2017 21:20

Please don't ever openly say that to someone who is having infertility problems.

Like I said, I'm not for a moment suggesting it isn't one of the most difficult situations for someone to be in. But the thing is, it's true. Millions of women will go on to have millions of babies. It's just a fact of life.

What is it that the SIL finds okay with having a one month old from her side at the event, but not the OP's four month old? It definitely goes deeper, I'm sure of it.

LilQueenie · 05/11/2017 21:20

Gemini69 was thinking I was he only one o see that too.

JamesBlonde1 · 05/11/2017 21:21

I think because it's the first grandchild on the OP's family side that the SIL can't hack it. The OP's DD should not suffer (as she will over the forthcoming years) because of this and SIL needs to sort herself out. Tell your DB OP, its lunacy.

Anditstartsagain · 05/11/2017 21:21

I actually think popping in with the baby in the car is a really bad idea. Your brother will ask where she is and likely tell you to bring her in meaning your sil will be pissed or you need to tell him she wasn't invited to can't bring her in your sil will be pissed or you have to be really weird n vague about why you won't stay and he will be hurt.

I think you would be better not going then telling your brother what happened after the event, let him have his party first. I would be speaking to him though tell him no matter what his wife is going though she can not treat you or your daughter so badly. It's cruel for her to put such a shadow on your new baby because she can't have one.

When we were desperately trying for ds2 a woman I know fell accidentally pregnant at 46 with her 6th baby and kept telling everyone how devastated she was to be pregnant but knew she had to keep it, it made me feel sick talking to her but I never once said a bad thing and was happy for her when her boy was born I would never have made her feel bad.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2017 21:22

LilQueenie

Yes lol ... I think it's selective reading LilQueenie... lol Flowers

StepAwayFromGoogle · 05/11/2017 21:27

I had 3 miscarriages over the course of a year at the age of 39/40 while everyone else in the world seemed to be getting pregnant or having babies.

One of those women was a good friend of mine who gave birth about the due date of my first miscarriage. That was particularly hard for me but I didn't, and wouldn't, take it out on her or her daughter. I wouldn't have excluded either of them from events with our friendship circle. Grieving over the family you were looking forward to is incredibly painful but it doesn't turn you in to an ogre.

I appreciate you've reached a compromise for your brother's 40th, OP, but I think you do need to try to deal with this at some point. I've only skimmed through the thread but I can't understand why it is your DD in particular that is being excluded?

Wellthatwasembarassing · 05/11/2017 21:31

I'd try and talk to your SIL as clearly this is her issue and your DB doesn't want to cause a fuss.
She can't exclude only your DD forever. It's not fair on your DD.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 21:34

I think because it's the first grandchild on the OP's family side that the SIL can't hack it.

At a guess, I think it's much more likely to be about the fact OP is 21. I think SIL feels like, unlike her siblings, OP 'shouldn't' have had a baby now. Again, not defending.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/11/2017 21:34

This isn’t an infertility issue, clearly, otherwise there would be no other babies invited to the party either. She would have made it a child-free one. She is jealous of YOU, OP. Just YOU.

Who actually told you that your LO was not welcome?

Cornishclio · 05/11/2017 21:37

I think your plan to pop in and leave the baby in the car with your partner sounds like the best compromise you can hope for. Your brother (whose birthday it is) will know you cared enough to turn up and yes it may be awkward if he asks where your DD and partner are but that is not your fault. He must know there is an issue with your SIL who seems to have focused on you and your baby as a misplaced target for her understandable bitterness re her infertility problems and miscarriages. That is unacceptable and at some point this will need to be addressed as there will be other family gatherings and understandably your parents and other siblings will be unhappy at your DDs exclusion. The baby won't care now but in a few years time she might.

bunzie · 05/11/2017 21:39

She is being totally unreasonable... firstly what wrong could your 4 mnth old have done... plus she knows your brother sees your baby so why exclude your baby from invite... I would understand if there were absolutely no kids coming... I would just not go and take this as a reason to distance myself from her... keep in touch with your brother though. It very important for kids to have family in their lives.

KeepItAsItIs · 05/11/2017 21:42

Sorry but her fertility issues do not give her carte blanche to be a rude twat. You don't tell someone that you will not speak to them because they are pregnant, but maybe you will once the baby is born. It is your brother's birthday, not her birthday. Your brother's family should be there to celebrate. She cannot take this stance with you, yet invite babies on her side. Sounds like a shitty excuse to exclude her ILs whilst her own family are more than welcome.

I would honestly ignore her ridiculousness about your baby not being invited and just bloody turn up. As an aside, did she actually say "you and your DH are invited but you have to leave your baby behind?"

whatkatydidnext1 · 05/11/2017 21:42

Hi op sorry if this has already been addressed on the thread but what do your parents think about this ?

BakedBeans47 · 05/11/2017 21:42

I think you should go and take your daughter. Why should you miss out on your brother’s birthday celebration while all the SIL’s family who aren’t even related to him get to go.

I can’t imagine how difficult things are for her and I can understand her struggling to be around babies and children but it’s not on to single out your daughter and also unrealistic to expect you to not take her to family events.

Only1scoop · 05/11/2017 21:43

Ask your brother why she singles you out?

leftbehind · 05/11/2017 21:43

When I was in the midst of suffering from fertility issues and endless investigations interspersed with several losses I behaved (I think looking back) badly twice.

Once when a good friend called me to tell me she was pregnant - I told her I really couldn't talk to her at that moment mainly because I knew I'd cry and I didn't want to upset her or myself. I've apologised to her several times since

The other was at a hen do where someone brought a very new born baby and I had to leave and cry in the loo.

The emotions can be overwhelming and make you behave in ways you never would otherwise. But as everyone else has said it's odd that you are being singled out. It sounds like you've decided on a course that will keep the peace this time but I don't think your brother can let this continue indefinitely. It's not fair on him or you or your daughter.

YorkieDorkie · 05/11/2017 21:44

I would love the chance to speak to her about the whole thing, but the last time we spoke (at my uncles funeral) she blatantly said she doesn't want to talk to me while I'm pregnant but this may change when the baby was born.

This is absolutely crackers. She can't talk to you for 9 months because you're pregnant? I can't imagine the pain of infertility but it isn't fair to shame someone else because they can have a baby. In addition to that, being pregnant isn't a guarantee of a baby at the end. It's just downright cruel to isolate you. I hope you never feel you need to apologise for your baby's existence - especially if I'm reading correctly that there will be a baby from her side of the family there? If so then her issues with you run far deeper than infertility.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/11/2017 21:45

Actually, if your SIL is the one who apparently can’t face seeing your baby, I’m not quite wondering why SHE can’t be the one doing the “avoiding”. So she could stay the other side of the room (and you would be aware enough not to take your DD over), say she is feeling unwell and needs to take a breather/go home early/arrive later after some little ones may have been taken home . All understandable if she is having fertility issues and finds social situations with babies hard. It’s her DH’s birthday, it should be about him and HIS family and friends. I’m not sure why you in particular should be jumping to her tune.

YorkieDorkie · 05/11/2017 21:45

@leftbehind Flowers I would not describe either of those two behaviours as bad, not in the slightest.

MammaTJ · 05/11/2017 21:46

I told my family I had had a MC, a few weeks later my DSis announced her pregnancy. 2 1/2 years later, I told my family I had had a MC, a few weeks later DSis announced her pregnancy. 2 1/2 years later, pregnancy stuck, DSis was preg too. Her baby was born 4 weeks before mine. I had a girl. she had her third boy. She had the cheek to be jealous of me, but got over it, because she is relatively normal.

I would never leave my DSis out of family occasions, adore my nephews, in fact poured all the love I should have been giving to my own lost babies onto them! They know their Auntie loves them and return that love. Your SIL is going to miss out on that if she does not get a grip!

I think you are right to 'pop in' with baby in the car and explain you have to leave because your baby is not allowed there (pause to gaze at younger, invited baby), apologise, then go to leave.

Slimthistime · 05/11/2017 21:47

OP what did she actually say? "There'll be babies there but you can't bring yours?"

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 21:52

I’m not quite wondering why SHE can’t be the one doing the “avoiding”. So she could stay the other side of the room (and you would be aware enough not to take your DD over), say she is feeling unwell and needs to take a breather/go home early/arrive later after some little ones may have been taken home.

Because she's hosting the party! As I've repeatedly said I don't think the SIL is being fair, but I find the insistence on this thread that his sister's attendance is as crucial as his wife's weird - and you'd never normally get it on a Mumsnet in-laws thread. It tends to be 'screw your in-laws, you should be DH's no 1' - as long as you're a 'family unit', of course.

LoverOfCake · 05/11/2017 21:53

No, infertility is not a reason or a justification or an excuse to exclude children who might happen on to your radar. And yes, I have been there.

I'm afraid that babies will always exist and no amount of avoiding can stop that. If the sil doesn't like seeing the OP's baby then she should be the one staying away from the party. To exclude someone from a family occasion where she is the one who is only a member of that family by marriage is nasty in the extreme.

I would either:

Take the baby and refuse to discuss it. If she wanted to make a scene that would be her issue to deal with not mine. Or I would tell your brother about the party in advance, ruin the surprise but tough shit, and bring the matter to a head publicly.