SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

she could be jealous that her DH is seeing his niece when they can't have their own not that it makes her behaviour right.

Your SIL is obviously being completely unreasonable and, frankly, mean.

Why are babies and children on her side of the family ok, but not her husbands?

Why just your baby?

I think you and your parents need to sit down with your brother and explain gently that this just isn't right, even if it does ruin the 'surprise''j of his birthday. She can't exclude you and your child from his life like this, which she is clearly trying to do.3

“Small babies are very upsetting to see when a person is having fertility issues, especially if its a younger relation/friend who has had the child. Your SIL will not be able to enjoy her husbands birthday if there is a little baby thier, “

Seeing as you haven’t read the full thread, OP stated that SIL’s nieces & nephews are invited (1 of which is 1 month old) so your statement clearly doesn’t apply.

How can 1 baby be ok & not another?

She’s being a bitch and I’d speak to my brother regardless of it being a surprise but then I can be a bitch too.

Yabu and should book baby sitter and enjoy time with out baby.

OP has explained that her DD is EBF and too little to leave.

I've done the ttc, repeat miscarriages and during my grief couldn't face many babies, didn't want to hold them, coo over them and found it hard to get excited - even when pregnant I couldn't get excited about being pregnant - but not once did i purposefully exclude a baby from my life. Its hard, you are stuck in that bubble of your pregnancy happening being the only thing you think about

BUT its not exclusive to one particular baby. Its all babies that cause the anguish and if your SIL was really struggling with the grief that comes with TTC then surely all the babies even the younger ones would be excluded too.

the fact you were friends and then she decided she couldn't talk to you when you were pregnant and that has now continued?

I am wondering if you 'stole her thunder' because you had the baby first? I have a lot of female relatives and even with all my ttc there was jealousy I had the first pregnancy then the first of one sex child. My other sister got really arsey That I fell pregnancy with my DC because apparently she was TTC for a year before I 'suddenly announced' I was pregnant. forgetting the 4 yrs of ttc and miscarriages I went through. I've had nearly 10 years of 'you're doing it wrong' and she tries to compete with her child an mine. Its quite sad really.

what I am saying is ttc is bloody hard but even then the pain and grief is no excuse to act like a bitch. She's had ample opportunity - 4 mths! to talk to you about this without your baby or even talk to her husband but she hasn't and her own relatives have had babies.

also if all the family are invited from both sides of your families then surely theres going to be so many people there your baby won't really be noticed amongst the other kids OR she will and she's jealous of the attention she thinks you will be getting.

What are you actually invited to Op?

If it's a weekend, then not inviting baby effectively excludes Op as well-perhaps that's the point?

I went through 4 years of TTC,, 2 rounds of IUI and 1 round of IVF. No success at all, not even an embryo at IVF. DH and I have since adopted 2 DDs, but at the time it was heartbreaking. My BIL and SIL had had 4 DCs when I went through IVF, now 5, yet they told us we shouldn’t do it because of the spare embryos!

I nevertheless loved our nephews and nieces and would never have thought of excluding them. It seems to me to be a very selfish thing to do on OP’s SIL’s part, in view of the fact that it’s OP’s DB’s 40th party and he will be disappointed if she doesn’t come.

OP-can oh answer a few questions?

How did she tell you that your child wasn't invited? What words? In person? With witnesses?
What did you say in response?
What do your close family members say about it, especially your parents? Are they still going?
Do you have evidence (that you could show your brother) to show your baby wasn't invited?
Did she still see the mother who now has a one month old when she was pregnant?

It's your brother's party-I would go to the party with my DH and my child and watch her justify herself if she has a problem. I can't see how she can with all the kids from her side of the family there!

That sounds rubbish-how exactly did she word it? You need to try to talk to her compassionately & preferably without dd before this. If she doesn't want to meet I'd speak to another family about it to get impartial advice & hopefully someone else can wise her up

The fact that yiur SIL is inviting children and babies from her side of the family, to yiur brothers birthday, while excluding members of his, is wrong. It's the principle. I would call her up and tell her yiu will be coming with the baby and yiur dh as yiur a family unit. Very unfair.

BUT its not exclusive to one particular baby. Its all babies that cause the anguish

I have to say this isn't true for me. I would never do what OP's SIL has, but I do find some people's pregnancies/babies much easier than others. I find it easy to be around my nephew because I adore him; I find it hard to be around a pregnant woman who I actively dislike and who I think is a pretty difficult, selfish person. I found - and I'm not proud of this - one pregnancy hard to take because it came so very easily - they 'gave themselves' a two month window to conceive and she got pregnant (and carried to term and had a healthy baby) on their first try. There's a distant family member who is quite vocally disappointed with the sex of her second child - that's not an easy thing to take. Again, I would never act on it and start including/excluding based on it, but I don't think it's that unusual to find that not all pregnancies/babies upset you equally.

what I am saying is ttc is bloody hard but even then the pain and grief is no excuse to act like a bitch. She's had ample opportunity - 4 mths! to talk to you about this without your baby or even talk to her husband but she hasn't

I think there's every chance she has spoken to her husband but that it's not something he can pass on to OP.

But OP - did you answer the question of how the invite was issued and what she actually said and who she said it to? Because now your other brother is not going because it's unfair to exclude you etc. etc. but have YOU actually talked to her about this (without baby in tow)?

Some really shitty comments in this thread from people who've "experienced fertility problems" but I bet who actually have kids now.

A 4 month old baby could not care less whether it was invited to the party or not.

This is about the relationship between the OP and her SIL and the OP needs to talk to her SIL and summon up all the empathy and maturity she can... and if doesn't work (i.e. they can't see eye to eye and one of them back down and agree to do what's best for the other in the circumstances) then she needs to speak to her DB to explain why she won't be at his celebrations.

Perhaps her family will not put up with her banning their children and she knows it.

THIS. And tbh I don't think any of your family should be allowing her to exclude your baby. They should all be saying, 'Sorry SIL but you can't single out our grandchild/nephew/daughter etc like this. She's part of this family and we won't allow her to be excluded so she gets invited or none of us attend'. I'm completely serious - why are you allowing your family to be complicit in excluding an innocent baby from HER family's social occasion. It's basically bullying of you and of your baby OP.

Something very like this happened in my family, many many years ago. My auntie and uncle, the 'golden couple' wanted to have the first baby. They struggled to conceive and in the meantime his sister fell pregnant by accident. She HATED that child. She hated it all her life and everyone in the family felt bad for poor auntie who had wanted the first grandchild. She hated the poor baby that she hadn't wanted to exist even though it was born disabled. When the child was left in her care once she assaulted it under the guise of punishment for some minor misdemeanor. Some people are twisted in the head. It's not ok to victimise a child, no matter what.

You having a baby doesn't take away a baby from her.

*What are you actually invited to Op?

If it's a weekend, then not inviting baby effectively excludes Op as well-perhaps that's the point?*

Bangs head off screen READ THE THREAD

why are you allowing your family to be complicit in excluding an innocent baby

You're right, the baby will be devastated. It will probably cry that day...

I agree it's not a nice thing to do, but let's be clear: it's unkind towards her adult SIL, not her infant DN, who obviously doesn't give a toss about going to her uncle's party...

I don’t understand why her 1 month old niece/nephew is invited but not your baby?

I don't understand the logic of people saying the problem is that OP's baby looks just like her SIL's baby would, because she looks like OP's brother. Any baby SIL may have is just as likely to look like her, and potentially also to look like her other nieces and nephews who she's apparently quite happy to see.

It's also unkind to the adult SIL and mother of the baby who is being excluded Lisa who may want to show her baby off, all mothers feel proud of their offspring. Why does the SIL's emotions trump the OPs in wanting to celebrate with her DB? I should imagine this has marred the OP's pregnancy and the birth of her baby if she is very close to her DB. SIL saying she won't speak to her while she's pregnant, not visiting after the birth, no congratulations. Disgusting behaviour with the intent to make the OP feel she has done something wrong to the SIL.

Just turn up with her. They probably just forgot to put her on the invite? X

This is not about your dd but about you. Did you do or say something insensitive while you were pregnant? My dh’s sister said some very hurtful things that definitely put some distance between us.

You're right, the baby will be devastated. It will probably cry that day...

I agree it's not a nice thing to do, but let's be clear: it's unkind towards her adult SIL, not her infant DN, who obviously doesn't give a toss about going to her uncle's party...

Whether the child knows or feels it or not, it is still an unkind act directed towards ONE SPECIFIC child. If your whole family had a party and deliberately excluded you because your aunt hated you through no fault of your own, it would still be an unkind thing to do to you, even if you never knew about the party and weren't upset.

Plus as others have said, at what age does it become wrong? At what age do you consider this child a sentient part of the family who doesn't deserve to be victimised?

I also think it's extremely judgmental about young pregnancy and accidental pregnancy. Are you going to allow your child to grow up feeling like they are some kind of secret accidental shame in the family? Your family are a big part of this and should not be allowing it.

I wouldn’t go - it’s clear she doesn’t want to see you at the moment, and I wouldn’t want to go to a party where I wasn’t welcome. I would try to arrange a separate family dinner with you, DBro, your other DBro who isn’t going to attend either because you’ve been excluded, and your parents, for the weekend after.

Maybe you just need to socialise as a family without her until she gets her head around things. If she genuinely needs space, she will appreciate being able to bow out of things with no pressure, and be glad that the relationship is being maintained until she is ready to step back in.

If she is just being nasty and trying to exclude you out of jealousy, you will be neatly sidestepping her nastiness.

for those who refuse to READ THE THREAD.........

it's a surprise Birthday party for OP's Brother.. arranged by OP's Brothers Wife.. her Sister In Law.. SIL has had 4 years of unsuccessful attempts at conceiving... SIL has refused to speak to OP during her Pregnancy... and will not see the Baby... OP's Brother comes to see his niece alone... OP's also breast feeds her baby... HOWEVER.... SIL has invited all her OWN relatives ..to the Birthday party... including their young children which includes a 1 month old baby....

in simple terms..........