SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

Cross posted with your updates there, but I would still be tempted to send only your DH as I first suggested. You can meet up with your brother (and your baby!) to celebrate with him later, not the same as his party but it may be more comfortable for you anyway.

The claws and youll go into mama bear mode. You're bound to. Itd be odd if you didnt.

Ah, so SIL not wanting to be upset a party she herself is throwing makes her (according to this thread) a bitch, cow and cunt (nice women supporting women there) but being actively aggressive to her is fine because that's just 'mama bear'?

Sorry about that, don't know why it posted so many time I'll ask if they can be deleted.

The claws and youll go into mama bear mode. You're bound to. Itd be odd if you didnt. now this is an odd this to say...

I think what you are suggesting sounds like a sensible plan OP. I have to say I am disgusted at some of the comments on here about infertility. Yes the SIL has been mean to exclude the baby but try and have a bit of empathy. Infertility is such a difficult thing to go through. The SIL is acting irrationally but that's what infertility does to you.

I wouldn't have much compassion for someone who is being an utter bitch, fertility issues or not. Refusing to speak to you because you were pregnant and not wanting your child at a family event. Who the hell does she think she is? There is nothing to suggest in the OP's posts to suggest that the SIL lost a baby, she sounds like the kind of person who would have made a big thing about it. She's just jealous and bitter that the younger woman in the family got pregnant before her and produced the first grandchild when she probably wanted to. Were you supposed to have remained childless while she was?

OP please go with baby and tell her she has no right to dictate what you do. What's she going to exclude you from next? Family Christmases?

A much younger family friend announced she was pregnant via a one night stand weeks after my baby was stillborn. I still remember my family tiptoeing around me checking that I was alright. I was a bit nonplussed actually. Another woman being pregnant had no bearing on me and I certainly had no inclination to get upset about it.

Thank you for all the advice.

The plan is that I'm going to pop in for half a hour. DB is going to ask where baby is, I'll just say in the car I don't want to upset SIL he will 100% want to see her.

I don't want to upset her more and don't get into the whole name calling thing as that won't make anyone feel better.

I'm 21 and she's 36. So Maybe that's why

I think if you were friends, then you need to talk to her face-to-face, and iron this out for once and for all. It's totally unreasonable for her to exclude your baby, while inviting babies from her side of the family.

It's about time she met your baby anyway - that's incredibly hurtful towards you. Speaking here as someone who's been through infertility and miscarriages.

Do you know if she also couldn't talk to the mother of the one month old on her side when she was pregnant?

I wondered this too.

Infertility is hard, no doubt. But your SIL is definitely BU in this situation. The world goes on. Other people will have babies. You are in no way responsible for her situation whether you have an unplanned baby or not.

I feel like there's more to it, OP. Have you always got on? Any other reason why she may not be keen on involving you?

But Sheila. She's singling ops child out. Ive read your comments and I don't think you're getting that
. You can't do that (single out a child) without upsetting a mother.

Littlejayx I think thats a bad idea! You are making as much as a drama out of this as your SIL by doing that. You'll make her feel like a dick in front of everyone at the party if they all find out the baby is in car. Just text her beforehand and try to meet x

There is nothing to suggest in the OP's posts to suggest that the SIL lost a baby, she sounds like the kind of person who would have made a big thing about it.

Actually she probably wouldn't have.

She's just jealous

Well after 4 years of infertility she may well be.

Some quite nasty responses in here from people about the SIL whilst at the same time complaining about her behaviour.

That’s unfair, Sheila. The OP is trying t find a way of seeing her brother without upsetting her SIL. Drama? No.

OP I must say you are being really mature about this whole situation. It’s making me quite angry reading this. Fertility issues or not, it’s no excuse to only exclude your child and I can understand it must be extremely hurtful.

I personally wouldn’t go or would just take baby with me, you’re a better person than I am, well done for being so level headed

The world goes on.

Please don't ever openly say that to someone who is having infertility problems.

I think this more about the OP than the baby.

If she's 36, that means they've been trying since she was 32 and probably wanting a child for longer than that. OP is 21, probably not planning child for a while, falls pregnant unexpectedly.

Op with the baby, reminds the SIL how easy it was for the OP. Op without the baby, she doesnt have that reminder.

It's still shit, but that might be her line of thinking.

Am I the only person.. that has read that the SIL has ONLY excluded the OP's baby... SIL's OWN relatives are bringing their own babies aged 1 month old and above...

it's ONLY the OP's 4 month old baby girl that is excluded... call me suspicious but that's way deeper than... infertility issues folks ...

Sheila I think you are being a bit unreasonable here. I get the SIL is going through something horrific, I really do. But the OP is being very fair in her actions. You really want her to be excluded and also keep secret why, so it seems like she doesnt care her db turned 40?

It's particularly unfair (and potentially manipulative) that she's using the nature of the surprise birthday party to ensure that you can't discuss this with your DB. I think she probably knows that he wouldn't stand for this. I hope she's prepared for him to be furious when he finds out.

I'm not getting the jealousy card.
All the other children aside from ops are being included, so if it were jealousy she wouldn't want any kids around her

Please don't ever openly say that to someone who is having infertility problems.

why ?

I would go to the party for a short while leaving DH in the car / coffee shop with baby. When your brother / others ask what's up, explain.

If you don't sort this now OP where will it end up? Will she be ignoring her niece when she's 5 years old, 10 years old, 16?

I'm sorry your DB hasn't stood up to her and said if other children are invited so is Dniece.

It doesn't matter if the infertility has sent her batshit, she cannot keep indirectly excluding you from family events. That is very controlling.

I would be taking this very personally indeed. It's your DB's special day. Do what he wants you to do, not her.