SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

If your DD is not invited I would not go, it is odd and unfair of your sil to have invited all the neices/nephews on her side though an to only be excluding you. I would confront your brother about this. Also, it is his party and you are his sister, perhaps sil should put his side of the family first on this occasion.

I know what you mean, hungryhippo. I’m remembering how awful it felt, being in the place of the OP’s SIL. I felt like I was dying inside myself. I never had a baby myself, I came to terms with that as you have to when you go through the adoption process, and I love my 2 DDs. But I still get it.

But I would never have excluded my DH’s DB’s perfect family from DH’s 40th or mine, which took place during that time. Why? Because it wouldn’t have occurred to me to do that. Some things you just don’t do.

That's terribly patronising, Mummyoflittledragon, and even cruel.

There are many reasons that have been put forward on this thread as to why one baby might be more traumatising than another. To suggest that bigmac's comprehension is poor or her opinion invalid as a result of the terrible pain she has suffered is just really unkind.

@Roomster101 I’m curious, did you read my entire post or just that one part?

I’m not saying this one particular occasion will enable that relationship to finally happen between the baby and SIL, you need to look at the bigger picture of what I’m saying

Had the sil invited no children at all, then this wouldn’t have been a problem. But it’s not a case of her not being able to cope with babies, it’s the OP and her baby. When exactly is the SIL going to accept op dd? If she’s 4 months and she’s dealing with it in this way still then something needs to be done.

Many women on here can sympathise with the sil having gone or going through infertility and I can understand why what I’ve advised is going to cause disagreements. But I have lived the life of the niece that was resented. It’s been damaging, and not just to me.

I’ve just seen your update, OP, you’re a very kind person. I’m sure you’ve been a great support to your DB, who will also be finding it all very hard.

I am going to just put all this on the back burner. If you can all write things like this on here, I cannot imagine how she is feeling.

As one of the most vocal 'SIL is not a total monster' voices on here, OP, I would still say that you shouldn't put this 'on the back burner'. It needs to be talked about - it isn't a sustainable situation, and it's horrible for you and your DD. I just think that a) the party isn't the place to have a confrontation about it and b) you don't really want a confrontation at all - you want a calm, sympathetic, maybe a bit emotional conversation. It sounds like you're going to approach this with real compassion, and that's so admirable: but you can be compassionate while also making it clear that this can't be the status quo.

Op don’t be sorry.
Babies some posters have suggested that the baby does not know where they are so it does not matter that she has excluded.
But I believe that babies are socialised by being around family and at events such as this learn there sense of belonging. If you don’t let your sil know this is not on now, your dd will become aware of her aunts attitude. Your dd is precious to you and your family so I can’t imagine why anyone would leave an innocent little baby out of such an occasion. You were part of your brothers life before your sil. You have every right to be there along with your baby.
Whilst I wouldn’t turn up with dd on the day I would tell your sil that you will be coming, as there are babies invited you assume it will be ok to bring your own breastfed baby.
If she refuses maybe don’t go, but make sure your brother knows why after the event. It is heartbreaking they are struggling with infertility but your brother should not be denied a relationship and sharing events with his neice.

If I was a relative of OP’s in this situation, I ‘d be declining my invitation out of solidarity (NB absolutely not telling OP what she should be expecting of her family).

Yeah, sure DB would be a bit unhappy to not have his birth family at a significant personal event. But then he’ salso likely to be unhappy at his DNiece being uniquely excluded from an all-ages do. And as others have pointed out, he’ll no doubt be unhappy with his wife sobbing from having spotted a particular infant among many across a large crowded room.

Unpopular opinion time, but fuck your sister in law. And fuck her feelings. I have issues trying to conceive and my friend has recently had a baby but I suck I it up because it isn't her fault. Like it isn't yours.

Go take your daughter and have fun.

Or dont, but be honest with your family about why.

OP I agree with Lisa's last post.

I also will repeat that just showing up with the baby is a bad idea- leave her nearby and explain honestly if asked. Tell your brother this can't continue and hash it out after the party.

Over invested now, I know but I really wished the OP would tell us what her relationship was like with the SIL before she got pregnant?

App the op said she and SIL used to be close

@Roomster101 I’m curious, did you read my entire post or just that one part?

Yes, I did read your entire post. Why do you think otherwise? I don't think the fact that your aunt didn't accept you as a child gives you any extra insight on how to solve a situation like this (if it can be solved). Your mother may feel that if she had "forced" the situation things would have been different but you don't know that to be the case because it didn't happen! I actually doubt that it would have helped.

I do think OP should talk to her SIL about this in the future and perhaps introduce her to her child but certainly not at a party the SIL has organised for her DH's birthday. As I said, it is not appropriate to turn up to a party uninvited and it could ruin the party and make relations worse.

As for your comment that the SIL can't ignore OP's child forever- I have just realised that my uncle's wife had managed to ignore me, my siblings and cousins all our lives (we are aged 45-60) while being close to her own sisters children so, unfortunately, it can be done (but hopefully not in OP's case).

I liked dumbledores message a couple of pages back.
I think if your SIL was being fair, then she’d make it an adult only event. By not inviting only your baby, then she’s being rude. She could easily have not invited any children and protected her own mental well-being and ensured she had a good time but no she’s picking on one person. I don’t think her family would be impressed if she told them the 1 month old wasn’t invited.
I personally would either ask her or have DB ask her why you are excluded specifically as it sounds like you don’t actually know.
Then I’d invite both my DBs and parents over to have my own DB birthday party.
(But why would you prioritise your own family for your husband’s birthday?)

appu she said it was good (page 1 I think)

Gosh SIL is a grade one selfish CF!

Go to your brothers party. It's for him not her. She clearly has some sort of issue with you- nothing to do with the baby since there are others going.

That message to your other brother saying not to mention it to you because you've already spoken just smacks of trying to control everyone by saying different things to different people.

I reckon she is jealous of your relationship with your brother, her DH and is trying to separate you and exclude you from the party.

A lot of posters seem to be caught up with their own problems instead of actually seeing things from OPs side. Infertile ladies can be bitches too.

App the op said she and SIL used to be close

Where was that? I can only see where she's said she was close to her brother.

Apologies-I've found it!

OP- it seems that there is a consensus here and it is to tackle this head on before it gets out of hand (for everyone concerned).

The debate seems to be around how much leeway you give her. You sounds very caring and that’s a good way to go at it.

I would do it before the party so that a precident isn’t set by that event ‘well everyone seemed ok with it the other night’ and ‘it was all fine at DB’s party’.

Ask politely why if DD is specifically not invited and then ask her to explain why. Make it clear to her you at trying to be supportive but at the same time underline that cutting your DD out is unacceptable and not going to happen. Be firm, but kind.

I would do it before the party so that a precident isn’t set by that event ‘well everyone seemed ok with it the other night’ and ‘it was all fine at DB’s party

Good point.

Goodness, this thread has brought out some surprisingly harsh responses. In the interests of self-preservation I'm leaving too.

OP good luck with it. I really hope you get it sorted. I would def suggest contacting her and also perhaps asking if there is anything you can do to help/make things easier but also let her know that your baby must be included in family events.

Your sister in law described your baby as a 'situation' - it's not a situation, she's a human child.

Your SIL may have heartbreaking reasons but she is still behaving very wrongly and unkindly.

She's invited kids just not yours. Yes I'd take that personally. Its not even her party.

If my DD wasn't invited yet all SIL's family including babies were, there is no way I'd be going at all. And yes, I would be having it out with her. Why does she get to exclude just your baby and not her own family's?

I would have to try to have a heart to heart with her. Why just your baby and not anyone else's? There must be a deeper reason for it and I suspect it is that she feels you are too young and don't 'deserve' to have a baby when it wasn't planned and she has been trying. Yes that must have been so, so hard for her to come to terms with but I suspect you would never have tried to hurt her intentionally and I think she is hurting so much that you and your baby are the punching bag for her emotions. Up to a point I would have accepted that but this level of exclusion to your dd isn't something I would be happy to let go.

I too was unable to have my own children despite trying for nearly 20 years. Those years were sheer hell and I behaved very badly toward other friends and family members with children or whom were pregnant. Some situations were worse than others, some people (despite being outwardly kind) made things so much worse for me and therefore I am sure I was thought of favouring some children and rejecting others.

I have been shocked by some of the reactions towards the SIL and indeed others who have suffered from infertility. This thread has upset me more than I can possibly say, the comments of others have been more than hurtful.

The OP herself however has been lovely and I am sorry this situation is happening to her. I wish her well and hope things improve for her.

Like others though I will be leaving this thread as I am only torturing myself by reading some cruel, and insensitive, posts that hurt so much.