SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

LisaSimpsonbff. I am on the side of the OP. Everyone loves a baby. Why should the baby be palmed off to one side because of selfish SIL.

I am on the side of the OP!!!!!

The OP said that her DB is a people pleaser so he would probably go along with his DW’s decision. He’s already been seeing his niece on his own so as not to upset her.

The OP said that her DB is a people pleaser so he would probably go along with his DW’s decision. He’s already been seeing his niece on his own so as not to upset her.

Sorry for double post, my iPhone playing up lol!!

If your brother or anyone else asks where your daughter is, tell him you thought the noise and excitement would be too much for her (and wouldn't it)? That would be the magnanimous thing to do.

Why should she lie. These kind of lies just cause trouble.

If my SIL said this. .. I'd let my brother know. No chance I'd be keeping it a secret from him.

Her behaviour is insulting to the whole of the OPs family IME.

Unless the family isn't close ... I know we as siblings would not attend and let SIL know ... then she can explain why the whole family isn't at his 40th.

My SIL has been unsuccessful with IVF. DB has DC from previous marriage. ... if she didn't invite my baby niece or nephew..... it would seriously cause a rift in the family.

Specifically because her own niece wasn't excluded

She'd be potentially headed towards a divorce doing that.

Your daughter is your husbands neice. Children are going it is not a child free event.
It’s sad for sister in law but what will she do if she does not conceive in the future, exclude your daughter from everything because she would be roughly about the same age as the baby she desperately wanted?
She is your bothers neice he has a right to share his birthday with his family.
Sil is very unreasonable. Tell her she can’t exclude close relatives of your brother (meaning your dd).

Sorry I haven't read the thread. I wouldn't discuss it any further with your SIL. If she brings it up, just ignore. You need to go and take your baby. I would give it a week for the dust to settle then tell your brother what she tried to do. She has issues that go beyond infertility.

I love all the people suggesting that she 'have counselling', like that'll just sort it all out straight away - have a bit of counselling and it'll all be fine for the party in a few weeks. I've been having counselling for my own fertility problems for a while, and I'm not sorted yet! My counsellor also told me to put my own feelings first when it came to dealing with pregnant women - her exact words were 'why set yourself on fire to make someone else a little warmer?' - so I'm not so sure that this will achieve what people assume it will!

I so agree with you Lisa. My own year long therapy sessions reached the same (some would say selfish) conclusion. In order to survive and move forward in the world to which I felt I did not belong, I had to withdraw from people and places that made things worse. My therapy, over 25 years ago now, helped enormously. Helped me to accept how dreadful I felt was ok, and not torture myself with the guilt of feeling that way. Yesterday I would have told you I have been able to move on and live the life I was not anticipating. However the comments of some on this thread today have been so upsetting to me that I feel like I am back there. So putting into practice what I had learned many years ago I will withdraw from this thread knowing reading it is making me feel both sad, and so very guilty for feeling that way.

I wish you luck, Lisa. And thanks to those who have been kind.

I think you need to ask you’re SiL when this is going to stop?

True, it’s not going to do your dd any harm this time but what if your SiL never concieves or it takes her years?

When does she stop excluding your dd?

As well as your DD being your DB’s DNiece, she is also your parents ‘ DGD. Perhaps the only grandchild they have. They will be expected to go to an event that is supposed to be all about their DS, which will be full of their DiL’s parents DGC - and presumably others unrelated- yet are expected to act like their own doesn’t exist.

If I was the OP’s parents and aware what was going on, I wouldn’t be happy about going on this basis.

Your not you’re, sorry

Honestly OP, you need to go with both your dh AND dd. And I’m saying this as we had a similar situation in our family - were I was the dd in our case...

Your sil cant ignore her forever. DD is a part of the family and that is something that is never going to go away. She is being incredibly unreasonable I’m sorry.

My mum was the first to have children. Her older brother and his wife struggled with fertility. Neither of them in our case could bare to see me and my sisters, but in particular me, being the oldest. They did end up having two children around 5 years onwards after I was born. But those first 5 years of basically resenting me and my parents happiness have had lifelong effects. That was 5 years of not wanting to see me, so even when they had their dc, the damage was already done. Only now almost 30 years on, do we finally have a (strained) slight relationship.

My mum for the first year or so tried to understand and keep me at home at occasions but then she started to resent the fact they didn’t accept me. She’s always said she wishes she’d of just been “cruel to be kind” with them and include me in things as a baby as she thinks they’d of had no choice then to accept me.

I’m also saying this from the other side of the fence. I am struggling with fertility now. I have had multiple miscarriages (one very late on just recently) and have just been given baby news by a close friend. I smiled, congratulated and hugged her. Waved goodbye after our evening out, got in my car and as soon as she was out of view, I sobbed all the way home. I could never let her know how heartbroken I am. All I want to do is scream how is it fair they get happiness and I don’t. But it’s not their fault. Distancing myself would only make things worse.

So do you all of you a favour, and turn up WITH your dd. It’s not going to be nice for your poor sil but what she is doing is wrong. You don’t want what happened with our family to happen to yours and have a bad relationship with sil and your brother because of this

Fia Thabks for beautifully illustrating my point. Behaviour like this is so damaging for all involved. It is NOT a coping strategy. It is utterly destructive and self absorbed.

The people advocating behaviour like this need to take a long hard look at themselves.

So do you all of you a favour, and turn up WITH your dd. It’s not going to be nice for your poor sil but what she is doing is wrong. You don’t want what happened with our family to happen to yours and have a bad relationship with sil and your brother because of this

Before I back out of this thread can I just say one thing to the OP.

Please, please, please do not do this. Obviously I am just a name on a screen and I know nothing of you and your SIL. All I can say is that I had this happened to me when I was at the stage of life your SIL is at, and somebody had done this I think I would have died (dramatic words that make me sound mentally unhinged, I know). The pain would have been like being stabbed over and over again. You have been both kind and understanding and obviously do not deserve to be treated this way, but please do not be persuaded by posts suggesting you just go. Please don't. I send only good wishes for you and your little one and hope the situation is soon resolved, for all of you.

The people advocating behaviour like this need to take a long hard look at themselves.

Genuine question: who is advocating behaviour like this? I haven't seen a single post on this whole thread that said that this is a good thing, or that it's the best course of action for SIL. At absolute most all people have said is that OP could try and be patient and to understand that it's irrational behaviour born of pain.

Thank you ladies ..... I was just curious.. because there are hugely .... varying opinions on here.. and I was trying to understand ...

thanks again

I struggle with infertility, so I’m not saying this from a place of ignorance, but she needs a kick up the arse. She sounds vile.

Bigmac, I can’t imagine how painful infertility must be.
But if there’s another one month old baby there why would this be any worse and painful than ops four month old baby? This is where I think the sister in law is behaving terribly. If she said I’m struggling with infertility I want this to be a happy occasion for me so adults only, or even older children only, that would seem very fair.
However this little baby and her breastfeeding mum are being excluded from their brothers/uncles party whilst she is allowing other babies to attend. Babies are one of the family. Why should ops brother miss out on having his neice at a significant birthday, but all neices and nephews on his wife’s side attend.
Op I suspect she may be jealous of you for reasons other than you have a baby because she has selectively decided which baby can attend.

Lisa Let’s not be disingenuous. There are people on this thread talking about fertile vs infertile. Emotions are obviously running high.

You’ve previously said that your counsellor has suggested you don’t try to spare the feelings of others instead of yourself.

No one has said it outright but there is a lot of defense of the right of people to do whatever they feel helps them to get through.

And I am saying that having seen it in action- being an asshole to others to save yourself never works for anyone.

Why keep defending the SIL? Why keep telling the OP to put up with shitty behaviour? What you asking is for the OP excuse her SILs completely unacceptable behaviour because SIL is hurting. A lot of us are hurting. But most of us wouldn’t consider abusing other people to make ourselves feel better. Don’t tell the OP to help enable her SIL’s unhealthy and damaging behaviour in the hope that one day she might stop and decide to be pleasant again.

I am so sorry this topic is bringing so many emotions out on here, I really didn't want to upset anyone

I am going to just put all this on the back burner. If you can all write things like this on here, I cannot imagine how she is feeling.

bigmac
I’m really sorry you’re finding life so tough. Sil has an issue with op and her baby. Not all babies. In your grief and pain you appear to be struggling to understand the difference.

littlejayx

don't apologise .. you've upset nobody....

I hope you are able to get some resolution Sweetheart

I do have some personal experience of people ‘s sensitivities about this stuff. Pre-DC, DP and I occasionally stayed at his DB and SiL’s. DP suggested it again recently, and was told SiL was a bit sensitive about young children as she’d had a couple of MCs then remained childless (this was a couple of decades ago, so no question of her child would’v been the age ours is). (DP got no sense of his DB’s grief over his own childlessness).

So, no more cosy weekends at theirs. Particularly as it was the DB instigating, I have no problem with that.

Banning our DD from every event for DP’s DB (for example, SiL a while back had a significant birthday in the local village hall with loads of people , and I assume the DB will do similar) would be something else.

So do you all of you a favour, and turn up WITH your dd. It’s not going to be nice for your poor sil but what she is doing is wrong. You don’t want what happened with our family to happen to yours and have a bad relationship with sil and your brother because of this

Apart from the fact that it is very inappropriate to turn up to a party if not invited, why do you think it will make the SIL accept the DD and improve family relations. More likely the exact opposite will happen. Furthermore, if the SIL is upset it could ruin the party for OP's brother.

Don’t tell the OP to help enable her SIL’s unhealthy and damaging behaviour in the hope that one day she might stop and decide to be pleasant again.

I really don't think I've done that. I've repeatedly said that OP needs to have a serious chat with her brother about this and how unacceptable it is. I just don't think that turning up with the baby, at her husband's party, catching her off-guard, is the way to do this.

I also want to slightly explain/defend what my counsellor said (and to be clear - I've never done anything like the SIL here. I went to my SIL's baby shower despite feel sick with worry that I would cry at it. I went to buy baby gifts for two separate babies last week even though I hate, hate, hate being in the baby department. I offered huge congratulations to my brother and SIL on their pregnancy and tried to sound really happy and forget about the fact that I was still bleeding from my own miscarriage). She said I should think about taking the route that caused least harm overall. So, if making polite conversation about her swollen ankles with a pregnant friend was barely noticeable to her but meant I ended up sobbing in the loos, then don't do it: my pain wasn't balanced out by the small amount of pleasure she gained from having one extra person to moan to. I actually don't think the SIL's actions here meet this rule, as she is hurting OP badly.