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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
Sprogletsmuvva · 06/11/2017 18:05

If the problem is genuinely that OP’s parents tend to fuss over their DGD whereas SiL’s parents don’t over theirs (and there is no indication of this in previous posts), then surely t answer is to get nBB to have a word with them re toning it down a bit.

I don’t think it’s mentioned previously where the party would be hosted, but I don’t think it’s reasonable for the SiL to choose to do it at home then use that as justification for being exclusionary. Imagine a bloke saying, “Well, I’m organising my wife ‘s party, but as I don’t much like some of her relatives I’m not inviting them. I want to host it at home, and as my home is my sanctuary then it’s up to me.” controlling would be the word here.

Appuskidu · 06/11/2017 18:10

every sympathy for the SIL but I don't think her husband is doing her any favours in going along with her excluding one family member like this. If she had a child-free party, fair enough

The husband doesn't know about the party though!

controlling would be the word here

Yup!

SandyY2K · 06/11/2017 18:12

If this happened in my family, I don't think the marriage would last much longer.

There's not a chance my brother would accept it once he found out.

My SIL is in the same position as the OPs SIL too. She knows family is everything to him and world never exclude our DC.

NannyOggsKnickers · 06/11/2017 18:16

I agree with Across 100%

Being a passive aggressive wanker isn’t the way to deal with issues.

I find it sad how many people on this thread think it is fine to make your family suffer for your issues and problems. I agree completely with the poster who said she’d be mortified if she’d ever made people feel bad.

SIL has an issue with OP and OP’s DD. It is SIL’s issue. If she wants help with it then she needs to speak up and be an adult about it. But this passive aggressive exclusion of people she has taken an irrational dislike to is at best childish and at worst bitchy.

I have been on the receiving end of behaviour like this and it was devestating with long lasted effects on all concerned. It caused untold disruption, anxiety and sadness for me and contributed to my PND.

What this woman is doing is not just have a ‘pity party’. She is taking out her feelings on others with no regard for anyone’s feelings but her own. It is shocking behaviour.

She had the alternative to take the OP aside and really briefly explain and ask if OP could not bring DD to the party. Which would have been understandable and OP would probably have agreed and felt sorry for her.

Instead, she chose to manipulate OP and OP’s family in a very underhand way. These are not the choices of a well adjusted person.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/11/2017 18:17

What was your relationship with SIL like before you got pregnant?

Op says they were close. That’s what she finds so hard to comprehend. And that’s why this is especially difficult for her to understand.

Roomster101 · 06/11/2017 18:19

I don’t think it’s mentioned previously where the party would be hosted, but I don’t think it’s reasonable for the SiL to choose to do it at home then use that as justification for being exclusionary. Imagine a bloke saying, “Well, I’m organising my wife ‘s party, but as I don’t much like some of her relatives I’m not inviting them. I want to host it at home, and as my home is my sanctuary then it’s up to me.” controlling would be the word here.

I'm sure many men wouldn't invite their wive's relatives if they didn't like them! Whether or not it is reasonable to exclude someone, you can't just force your way into a party in someone's house. That would be trespassing.

Brienne · 06/11/2017 18:26

NannyOggsKnickers
Of course she's not well adjusted. Most people having infertility/miscarriage problems will go through a period of male-adjustment. I don't think it's uncommon.

Brienne · 06/11/2017 18:27

Mal-adjustment even...

pallisers · 06/11/2017 18:32

The husband doesn't know about the party though!

Then what was the text exchange all about??

NannyOggsKnickers · 06/11/2017 18:33

Brienne I’m well aware of that. I lost a pregnancy at the beginning of the year and am now struggling to get pregnant again. I have some insight into the SIL’s feelings.

What I am suggesting is that her response suggests that she isn’t a well adjusted person full stop. Not because of her infertility.

I know many people who have struggled to conceive and only one of them has taken a response similar to the OP’s SIL. Things like this really highlight people who are nice, caring people and those who only really care about themselves.

I would never, ever make another person feel pushed out or unwanted because on an issue I had. It is a shitty thing to do. People need to stop trying to excuse their self obsession because if their traumas. Many people go through horrendous things and manage not to lash out at others. It is not excusable.

Bisquick · 06/11/2017 18:39

I wouldn’t do what the SIL is doing to anyone.

But, just to explain why some babies are harder to see - when we got pregnant the first time around one of my best friends got pregnant at the same time. Our due dates were 2 weeks apart. I had a stillbirth at term. Seeing older babies, younger babies (born in the year since) doesn’t hurt as much tbh because in my mind I can clearly separate them from my grief. My best friend’s baby however, I struggled with. Seeing her is such a stark reminder of what I lost.

I struggled through some social situations, avoided others, and a year later am able to handle it much better. Helped somewhat (but not entirely) by being pregnant again.

It may not be logical or anything but some babies can be a much sharper reminder of all that could have been. But I wouldn’t still behave like the SIL. No advice for the OP beyond all the useful things mentioned above!

NannyOggsKnickers · 06/11/2017 18:43

Bisquick I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what that’s like. You sound like strong person to manage that with such grace. Hugs to you. Flowers

harrietm87 · 06/11/2017 18:44

pallisers the text was between the OP's SIL and the OP's other brother - I.e. not the birthday boy, but SIL's BIL (if that makes sense)

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 18:45

I love all the people suggesting that she 'have counselling', like that'll just sort it all out straight away - have a bit of counselling and it'll all be fine for the party in a few weeks. I've been having counselling for my own fertility problems for a while, and I'm not sorted yet! My counsellor also told me to put my own feelings first when it came to dealing with pregnant women - her exact words were 'why set yourself on fire to make someone else a little warmer?' - so I'm not so sure that this will achieve what people assume it will!

Sprogletsmuvva · 06/11/2017 18:48

I'm sure many men wouldn't invite their wive's relatives if they didn't like them!

Perhaps. But if a wife posted on here that she was gutted that her husband had deliberately not invited people very close to her to her significant event,that hadn’t done him any personal harm, just because he happened not to like them much, he would get torn apart.

(And to repeat: We don’t know where the party is being held, much less that the only option was SiL’s ‘sanctuary ‘. The general ott nature of the planned events described doesn’t suggest financial constraints forcing an intimate event.)

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/11/2017 18:48

Lisa
I have been in therapy for years. Counselling / therapy is hard work. Obviously a couple of sessions isn’t going to cut it with the sil. Please don’t take people’s words out of context.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 18:50

It wasn't addressed at you specifically but a lot of people had tossed out 'if she can't cope with it she should go to counselling' like that would solve the matter.

LondonGirl83 · 06/11/2017 19:09

Lisa I don't think anyone has suggested counselling before the party would solve the issue only that if she can't find better coping mechanisms than what she is doing, she needs counselling (assuming she isn't already in counselling).

I can't remember any post suggesting that this could be fixed before the party with a couple of counselling sessions so you are taking people's statements out of context.

LondonGirl83 · 06/11/2017 19:10

Bisquick sorry for your loss Flowers

Roomster101 · 06/11/2017 19:23

Perhaps. But if a wife posted on here that she was gutted that her husband had deliberately not invited people very close to her to her significant event,that hadn’t done him any personal harm, just because he happened not to like them much, he would get torn apart.

I'm sure that if a DH posted on here to say that his wife had deliberately not invited people close to him to his party she would get "torn apart" by many people too. The DH isn't posting though so hardly relevant, particularly as we don't know whether he would want his niece to be there or not.

portico · 06/11/2017 19:26

OP your SIL is a bitch, selfish and mean. Everyone loves to see a baby, and as the only grandchild on your parent's side, why should your baby, you, ad your parents miss out on the revelation of joy when people see your baby.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 19:27

OP your SIL is a bitch, selfish and mean. Everyone loves to see a baby, and as the only grandchild on your parent's side, why should your baby, you, ad your parents miss out on the revelation of joy when people see your baby.

I genuinely can't work out whether this post is sarcastic?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 06/11/2017 19:29

y'see I really understand that SIL might be feeling raw and finding it hard to deal with babies HOWEVER she has invited other babies so why is it only Op's baby being excluded. This is whats wrong about it which is why some of the sympathy goes. If it was all babies then it makes more sense.

Roomster101 · 06/11/2017 19:29

My counsellor also told me to put my own feelings first when it came to dealing with pregnant women - her exact words were 'why set yourself on fire to make someone else a little warmer?' - so I'm not so sure that this will achieve what people assume it will!

It would be ironic if the SIL has had counselling and this is why she has decided not to invite OP's child!

GabsAlot · 06/11/2017 19:31

sorry lisa i think thats awful advice from your counsellor

and its out of contxt anyway the sil is organising it but its not hr party sh shouldnt b excluding anyone