SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

are you remembering that the SIL has other babies attending the Birthday Party... in fact her own niece attending is only 1 month old .... hmm

Gemini69 of course there may be much we do not understand with family dynamics and past issues. However, I did remember that but can only say the agony of being around some babies and their parents/grandparents is worse than others, and often due to the how these other adults are around her. Of course often the other adults can't win, they are either insensitive or oversensitive, so it is not a slight on them at all. It makes no sense, even now it makes no sense to me, but then the emotional effects of inferility (which I have learnt by reading this thread last a lifetime) do not make sense either. The pain of infertility cannot be intellectualised, I spent 20 years trying to make sense of it, and failed.

I agree it’s not about the fertile vs the infertile. I lost a pregnancy halfway through. A beautiful DD. Nearly finished me off too. I had to accept that a friend of mine was going to have her healthy baby boy 2 months after mine had been due. It was so hard but if I had ever made her feel like this woman has been making the OP feel I would have been so ashamed of my self

I am so sorry for your sad loss, OMGWTFLMFAO and admire you more than I can say for your acceptance and understanding of other's feelings. You were a much kinder, and compassionate, person that I was back then and you should feel very proud of yourself for that. It must have been so hard.

Brienne I am very sorry for your loss/losses.
You sound like a lovely & compassionate person as although you were in great pain, you looked after yourself without being bitter or nasty to your friend. And you took the right course of action to stop the hurt.
I hope your friendship can get back to being as close as it was previously.

I'm not sure if the SIL acts/behaves as nicely as you do.

OP, whatever your SIL's motivations are, you have the chance here to be the bigger person. So go to the party with your husband and get a babysitter for the evening. Surely you both would enjoy a child-free night and this will be a rare opportunity for you to have one. Your daughter doesn't give a s**t whether she goes to the party or not!
After the party you can address the issue of future events, but this is just one evening.
If your brother or anyone else asks where your daughter is, tell him you thought the noise and excitement would be too much for her (and wouldn't it)? That would be the magnanimous thing to do. Your brother might know you are lying but he will appreciate you even more for doing so.

Aaaaah bigmac thank you... I’m sure you were not deliberately unkind to anyone and I’m sure most people understood and still love you. It truly is the most devastating thing in the world infertility and child loss. I know what you mean as well about the rest of the world expecting you to get a handle on things (as I even suggested up there!) when you really feel you can’t or don’t want to. I remember feeling that exact way! Especially from the older generation like my nans and aunts I found. It feels as though they don’t understand and don’t care and there’s such a callousness and insensitivity from them at the time. With hindsight I can now see (and in one case have learnt for definite since) that they DID go through similar themselves and they did understand the pain. They were born in a time where it was more common and everyone was expected to get over it without grieving properly or talking it over. Brutal. It’s better now. But something is making me suspect that there may be more to it with the OP’s SIL since seeing the messages screenshoot earlier; like maybe she’s indulging in her pain now as an excuse to exclude the child of someone who I suspect she has personal issues against. Horrible scenario for the OP bless her...x

It's not fertile vs infertile or child vs childless. One has to look at the bigger family picture here because it's bigger than OP and this party. I have sympathy for SiL (although I'm not infertile there was a time I thought I'd never have children for other reasons) and I know how painful it is to see happy families all round you when it looks as if your dearest wish will never come true.

But this is setting a stage for a huge dissonance in ongoing family dynamics. For a situation where one family member (DD) is being excluded now results in other family members choosing exclusion (OP/DH as DD's parents). How long is this to go on? What if SiL and BB never have a child? Is OP and her little family going to be expected to tip toe round this forever or be willing to not attend family gatherings or to do so with the assumption that they're going to hide DD whenever SiL is in the room? I understand SiL's pain. But it is HER problem and she needs to deal with it, either (preferably) with counseling or by withdrawing herself. Or better still, by doing what so many of us have had to do; get a grip on our feelings (not deny them, just hide them for a bit), paste a smile on our faces, and weep in private when it's all over.

Roomster101, I do agree that this needs to approached in a decent and delicate manor, but were I disagree is that the focus is on her. It's her dhs birthday, OPs brother and this should have more weight then her needs. She is punishing a baby and this is wrong.

I'm not suggesting the focus should be on the SIL or that she is in the right though! I just think that as she is organising the party, possibly at her house she can invite who she likes and it wouldn't be appropriate for other people (or children) to turn up uninvited. That doesn't mean I don't think OP should say anything but ganging up with other family members won't solve anything and could quite possibly backfire.

okay.... so to the unfortunate ladies on here ..... and I am genuinely and sincerely asking ...

do you believe the SIL is correct in excluding... the first grandchild of her PIL.. the first child of her SIL... and the first niece of her DH... from the surprise Birthday party... whilst allowing her own Families younger babies and children to attend ?

Yes or No

Let's not forget SIL has also ignored op at family events while she was pregnant. How dare anyone treat a pregnant woman like that.
So this behaviour has gone on for more than a year.
I keep reading how debilitating infertility is, but SIL is quite capable of choosing to organise a large surprise party all by herself.

I can certainly sympathise with what SIL is going through. It must be unimaginably difficult.

However, she created this situation. She knew she would have difficulty with see the new baby and I don’t think anyone could blame her for that. But why organise a completely unnecessary party and specifically exclude one person? It’s spiteful. If she wanted to mark her husband’s birthday she could have organised a surprise evening meal or something else that is adults only, then there is no issue with baby not going as no children would be going.

To organise a family party, knowing not everyone could be included (or at least not happily) sounds like she is punishing OP.

Gemini the SIL is incorrect and has no empathy for OP.

No.
I would have probably withdrawn myself from relationship/big family gatherings (and explained nothing personal etc etc) and during that time there's no way I would have wanted to throw a big party like that. If I'd absolutely had to throw a party I would have invited everyone (including children) and put a smile on and collapsed in a heap afterwards.

There's more to this situation than the OP knows I suspect. Either personal dislike or a miscarriage with similar dates and she's now got severe depression.
I hope it's the latter, in that with the right help she can get through this and come out the other side.

It's not the infertile vs the fertile. I had three miscarriages over 14 months while every other friend seemed to be pregnant. Some of those babies were born on or about when some of my babies would have been born. I was absolutely broken and really jealous, but I would never have been horrendous to my friends or excluded their children. It wasn't their fault I was having a really hard time.

Think of it this way:
Person responsible for SILs infertility and grief: Nobody, tragic though it is.
Person responsible for excluding OP's daughter and making OP feel awful: SIL.
It's just not fair of SIL to take her feelings out on the OP.

Reading between the lines & past behaviour, I think SIL just doesn't like the OP & is using the baby as the weapon to make this point.

do you believe the SIL is correct in excluding... the first grandchild of her PIL.. the first child of her SIL... and the first niece of her DH... from the surprise Birthday party... whilst allowing her own Families younger babies and children to attend ?

I don' think anyone thinks she is "correct" do they? Many people who have been in a similar situation can understand her actions to some extent though. I can even understand why some children may be okay but not others, strange as that may seem. I certainly think that she should have organised an adult only party rather than a family one.
Ultimately though, I think whether the SIL is right or wrong is fairly irrelevant with regard to what OP should do. The SIL has organised the party and if it is in her house or she has paid for a venue elsewhere, she gets to decide who comes.

I had three miscarriages over 14 months while every other friend seemed to be pregnant.

I had the same experience and while some people were no problem as they tried to be tactful and sensitive one person was a really insensitive bitch who I tried to avoid as much as possible. I'm not saying OP is like that but maybe other's are e.g. the grandparents and I can understand why the SIL might find some babies/pregnant women okay but not others.

I can even understand why some children may be okay but not others, strange as that may seem

I think this is what I struggle to comprehend ... can you explain this in more detail... because I'm not understanding this tbh

I think this is what I struggle to comprehend ... can you explain this in more detail... because I'm not understanding this tbh

It could be to do with how sensitive OP (or other members of OP's family) were when she was pregnant, as described above. It also could be because the SIL had a miscarriage and her due date would have been the same as OP's baby.

I agree that if someone else organises an event you can't break whatever rules have been put down even if they are unreasonable. OP should go to the party for 30 min and leave DD with DH in the car and tell the truth if anyone asks why her baby isn't there. She should make it clear to her brother that she came to support him but is very unhappy with the exclusion of only her child and that the situation needs rectifying before the next family event as its not on.

I'm sure everyone can imagine events that could turn them into an unreasonable, unfair person. However, I suspect not many would expect the people in their lives to allow themselves to be treated badly without a word of reproach.

gemini it could be to do with existing and unrelated feelings towards the parent(s) (e.g. if you dislike someone or find them irritating it won't take much for them to wind you up further), it could be to do with the family context (e.g. if your siblings with children are older than you, or have also struggled with infertility, it may not seem as "unfair", or if this is the first grandchild on that side of the family it may be to do with how others react/treat that baby, or it could be to do with timing (e.g. if she suffered a mc/ivf failure and the baby would have been due at the same time as this baby was born). There could be loads of reasons.

His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand)

What was your relationship with SIL like before you got pregnant?

if it was just sinc th baby arrivd mayb id undrstand

but op says this has been goingon before baby-ie being ignored at gt togethers

if she hasproblems she needs counselling not taking it out on her sil

I would either bring your DD or not go. I think she's being quite awful TBH.

Either NO kids or ALL kids.

I feel every sympathy for the SIL but I don't think her husband is doing her any favours in going along with her excluding one family member like this. If she had a child-free party, fair enough but she has focused her resentment and angst on an actual person - not a generic baby or a picture of a baby or even a pregnancy bump but a real person with a name and a personality and a place in their family.

If someone was devastated after a divorce and decided they would have a party and insist their sister but only their sister didn't bring her husband - all other husbands were ok - because it was too upsetting, people would think the person needed help.

I think she needs some real help in real life. The op sounds nice so my guess is she won't rock the boat for this party but where will it end?

gemini - i found being around my pregnant sisters in law crippling when DH and i were struggling with TTC. Other pregnant women? Bit of a sting, but not so bad.

It can be different with seeing different babies/seeing different pregnancies.

(as it happens i was fine with other peoples babies once they came, I didn't want their baby i wanted my own, it was the pregnant tummies which upset me)

As pp's have tried to explain it may be one or more of the SILs family who are coming to the party who are the ones who will make it so hard for her to bare by their reaction to OPs baby ...

Look at littlejays baby SIL, when are you having yours SIL?
Leaving a bit late aren't you SIL?
Oh do come and kiss/coo/cuddle littleljays baby SIL.
Bet you and your husband are glad you're not up all night with a baby SIL.
Oh look SIL A BABY! OUR FAMILY WILL NOT DIE OUT!

I mean i'm being OTT here but you know what i mean. Some folks can really put their foot in it.

Not saying anything about SIL being right or wrong here. Just giving an idea.