SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

I don't think anyone who acknowledges that SIL is suffering is suggesting that what she's doing is a good idea. I bemoaned the lack of empathy a few pages back. I certainly don't think SIL is approaching this in the best way, and I think someone needs to (gently) speak to her about the inclusion of OP's daughter in family events going forward.

What I don't agree with are the people who are saying horrible things about SIL without apparently giving any thought to the state of grief she is in.

for bigmac

It's not lacking in empathy to criticise completely unreasonable and unkind behaviour.

Shiela that's pretty harsh, I think people are just pointing out that those who are lucky enough not to have struggled with fertility might struggle to understand how upsetting infertility and multiple losses can be.

Just because she's hurting doesnt give her the right to hurt others! One persons feelings don't trump anothers.

ApplesTheHare yes I totally agree with you

I think bigmac4me may have hit the nail on the head when she said that it could be the attitude of others rather than your child that is the problem OP. If your child is your parent's first grandchild do they perhaps may a huge fuss when your child is present and revolve everything around her. If so, this would be very hard for the SIL especially if she and her DH were expecting to have the first grandchild rather than you. If her own family have many children this probably doesn't happen which would make everything much more bearable.

I have a huge amount of sympathy for her. It’s heartbreaking to so desperately want a hold you may not have. Truly, truly heartbreaking - as I said upthread I suffered a mc after getting pregnant at the same time as a friend.

We spoke, the two of us, and as she’s a considerate type she purging said ‘mate, this is awful - what do you want me to do, because I can totally just give you whatever time you need.’

And I said please, enjoy your pregnancy - don’t rub it in my face but don’t be scared of sharing the odd update either. I’m genuinely happy for you even though I’m so sad for me.

SILs situation is awful for her.

Her handling of it is not great - that doesn’t mean she’s an awful person, it means she is not handing an awful situation with as much tact as she could.

Purging? Bloody autocorrect where did that come from

I’m afraid that I think the time has come to have it out. You don’t have to go in all guns blazing but actually I would turn it round on her and tell her she’s hurting you badly with her behaviour and making you feel like shit. You, your other brother and if possible your parents need to stand together on this one; there’s no excuse for this type of sneaky, unkind behaviour. However sad her circumstances, she needs to be told in no uncertain circumstances that excluding people is BULLYING and it needs to stop. People are right that if she gets her way here it sets a precedent. Where would it stop? Should OP and her baby stay away at Xmas too? Or any other family occasions that pop up over the next few years? What if SIL never manages to have a baby - should OP just disown herself from her big brother for ever then? And if SIL is eventually blessed with a child and deigns to speak to OP and her child again, is OP just supposed to eat shit and smile and suck it all up despite potentially months or years of exclusion? Nah mate - this shit stops here.

The SIL may be in pain but she is being extremely self-absorbed at best and quite possibly deliberately unkind at worst. The devastation of infertility does not give a person carte Blanche to be spiteful. Some infertile people are arseholes already and now have an extra excuse. I would have had a LOT more sympathy for SIL if she hadn’t just shown herself up to be a manipulative cow in that message to your brother. She’s silly in the head if she thinks he will side with her over you. Unless that’s her objective: to isolate your brother from ALL of his family of origin? It happens.

Tell SIL you’re bringing your DD to the party (on the public WhatsApp) and go. If she kicks off in public, she’ll expose herself badly. If she comes after you in private then expose her. This type of manipulative shit needs blowing wide open. You love your brother, your brother loves you and DD. He would most likely live to have you at his surprise party. So go and have a good time. SIL should be irrelevant at this point.

Some people have suggested that the OP brings her lovely baby to the party anyway. Others have suggested the baby and her Dad wait in the car, though it is then likely that others would innocently suggest the baby is bought in. If I were the SIL and that happened to me, I think I would died, I would have wanted to. As I sit here all this time on and remember what it was like and I cannot imagine a worse situation that that.

But then if that is how SIL feels, why would she organise an event where that was even a remote possibility? Maybe it would have been a good idea to arrange an event for her husband's birthday that wasn't this.

It's creating an awful awful situation for yourself all BY yourself.

I would taken DH out for a family 'adult only' meal, gone away for the weekend or on holiday, arranged a lovely experience day or if it didn't have to be a suprise (I bloody hate surprises!), ask the birthday boy what he actually wanted to do.

No matter how she's hurting (and I have experienced the pain of infertility)-this is not fair.

THis is not the fertile vs the infertile. Several of the posters on here have explained that even though they suffer with infertility they see this behaviour as wrong.

Because it is wrong. It is wrong for the OP. Wrong for her innocent child. And wrong for the SIL. In the end it will be SIL who will suffer the long term impact of her terrible behaviour.

Empathy doesn’t mean allowing people to walk all over you or make you feel like shit. You can empathise with someone’s pain and not agree with their actions.

Being in pain does not give you carte blanche to treat other people like dog shit.

So have grandparents, aunts, uncles etc not to enjoy baby/children as it could upset someone? Come on!

Yes, this is an extremely difficult situation. It’s heartbreaking actually! As someone who has faced several miscarriages and has to deal with pcos, I have had 3 successful pregnancies in between 10 years, which I’m eternally grateful for.

I just don’t think it’s fair to make women who may fall pregnant easier, haven’t faced miscarriages, may be young, might not be in the right relationship etc feel bad or be targeted as someone you can’t be around but manage fine around others.

I have been on both sides of this and this year I have had to deal with a similar sil, it’s shocking! I have had lies, been ignored, bitterness towards me to the extent of walking away from my marriage.

I totally understand that this will be extremely horrible to face etc but it’s also extremely horrible to be on the receiving end.

The fact op baby is the only one not to get going is seriously wrong. Like others have said, when and where will this stop?

SIL should be irrelevant at this point

Appuskidu in my experience infertility tends to make you feel irrelevant anyway. While (seemingly) the rest of the world are having children and therefore producing the next generation, you are not. You realise that you will not live on, it's a genetic death and can make you feel as if not only you have no place in the future but no place in the present either. . So if the SIL feels in any way like that then making her feel even more irrelevant would be a very unkind thing to do. And yes I know she is being unkind herself and admire very much those people who have said they did not take the pain of their infertility out on others. I did, I was so consummed by ongoing agony the friends and family I lost during those years were probably much better off without me.

I agree it’s not about the fertile vs the infertile. I lost a pregnancy halfway through. A beautiful DD. Nearly finished me off too. I had to accept that a friend of mine was going to have her healthy baby boy 2 months after mine had been due. It was so hard but if I had ever made her feel like this woman has been making the OP feel I would have been so ashamed of my self.

We all have our struggles. It’s not all about us. Life’s a bitch sometimes and very unfair. The OP and her little girl should NOT be made to feel guilty for something she cannot help. In this case the 21 year old OP is acting with a lot more maturity than the 36 year old SIL so I can’t help but think that this is about more than just her infertility struggles and that she doesn’t like the OP anyway as well as now being possibly jealous. It’s not on.

I think bigmac4me may have hit the nail on the head when she said that it could be the attitude of others rather than your child that is the problem OP. If your child is your parent's first grandchild do they perhaps may a huge fuss when your child is present and revolve everything around her. If so, this would be very hard for the SIL especially if she and her DH were expecting to have the first grandchild rather than you. If her own family have many children this probably doesn't happen which would make everything much more bearable.

This 100%. That’s very hard to cope with when you’re infertile.

I’m afraid that I think the time has come to have it out. You don’t have to go in all guns blazing but actually I would turn it round on her and tell her she’s hurting you badly with her behaviour and making you feel like shit. You, your other brother and if possible your parents need to stand together on this one; there’s no excuse for this type of sneaky, unkind behaviour.

Whilst it would probably be a good idea for OP to speak to SIL about this, attempting to gang up with her other brother and parents and "telling her" that you will be bringing her child to the party has got to be the worst idea anyone has had about this issue. I'm not condoning the SIL actions but ultimately she is organising the party and perhaps having it at her house so she is entitled to invite who she wants. Falling out with her and telling her this or that will happen will not solve anything and may just ensure that the SIL and perhaps OP's brother have nothing to do with OP's family in future.

That’s sad bigmac4me - I’m sure they all missed you very much during that time. It’s such a hard thing all round but when whilst you are right that the SIL’s feelings are probably crippling her, to put focus on only one child (and by extension her mother) to the point of exclusion is so wrong. SIL needs to get a handle on this quickly

I am not sure if the celebrations for the OP's brother are taking place in his home. But I did want to say that I would have found having a baby and their parents/grandparents in my home far worse than in an external setting. It's hard to explain but home was a sanctuary against the outside world that always seems full of pregnant women and young children. I am probably not explaining myself well, some things are more emotional than words can convey. But during my decades of unsuccessful infertility treatment I believe having a baby in my home would have been so much more painful than I can express. I probably would have had to move afterwards....yes I know that sounds crazy (I was crazy) and unreasonable (I was unreasonable) and cruel (I was cruel) and maybe completely insane (I was insane) but I am trying to be honest for those who may not appreciate how it can be.

But Roomster I think OP deserves to feel she has her family in her corner on this issue or she could end up with many more future events her DD is not welcome at. Of course I don’t mean that everyone in OP’s family should gang up on her and go round there to have a shouting match. But SIL needs to know that she risks insulting her husbands entire family by excluding their Newest member (but not excluding even newer members on her side). Unless of course that was her game plan anyway?

bigmac4me

are you remembering that the SIL has other babies attending the Birthday Party... in fact her own niece attending is only 1 month old ....

however Littlejayx has been asked not to bring her 4 month old baby ...

Appuskidu in my experience infertility tends to make you feel irrelevant anyway.

bigmac4me-I didn't ever say that the SIL was irrelevant!

That’s sad bigmac4me - I’m sure they all missed you very much during that time. It’s such a hard thing all round but when whilst you are right that the SIL’s feelings are probably crippling her, to put focus on only one child (and by extension her mother) to the point of exclusion is so wrong. SIL needs to get a handle on this quickly

Thanks for your understanding words OMGWTFLMFAO.

I think when you in that quagmire of grief and loss you don't actually want to get a handle on things. American friends would say "sitting pretty in your pity pot" - I don't know of an equavelent phrase. Infact I would have interpreted your well meaning feelings as "needing to get a handle on it for the sake of others" and believe me when things are that bad others do not really exist. And even if they do they do not matter, all that matters is the child you cannot have/child you have lost. It is a very selfish grief in so many ways and for me the only way to carry on breathing and putting one foot in front of the other was to exclude others, no matter what the cost.

But Roomster I think OP deserves to feel she has her family in her corner on this issue or she could end up with many more future events her DD is not welcome at.

They don't need to all speak to the SIL for OP to feel that they are in her corner. You may not see that as ganging up but she might whether or not there is a shouting match.

But SIL needs to know that she risks insulting her husbands entire family by excluding their Newest member (but not excluding even newer members on her side). Unless of course that was her game plan anyway?

She can know that just by OP or her brother telling her. She might not care that much anyway, considering the circumstances so all ganging up to tell her would be counterproductive.

Roomster101, I do agree that this needs to approached in a decent and delicate manor, but were I disagree is that the focus is on her. It's her dhs birthday, OPs brother and this should have more weight then her needs. She is punishing a baby and this is wrong.

I had a MC while my very close friend was pregnant. Our due dates were 2 days apart.
I coped really badly as it was pretty much my last chance. There would be no happy ending for me. I had to text her to tell her how hard I was finding it and that I needed to take some time out from the friendship.
In addition she wasn't perhaps as empathetic as she could have been.
She lives in close proximity. It was a nightmare.
Eventually, prob 12 months later I'd sorted my head out and had some counselling.
It was me that opted out of everything. I would never have excluded her or her child but I took time out myself.
We're on a better footing now, but if I'm honest it wrecked a really close friendship.
Her child is a delight. Great fun and I now love spending time with him, but our friendship will never be the same again unfortunately.
Something similar must have happened here. It's the only explanation I can think of.

I'm happy to be called a "vile bitch" if anyone here wants to.
however, don't judge people unless you've walked at least a mile in their shoes.