SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

Thanks U2. I actually want to be clear that my situation isn't actually as bad as OP's SIL - only been trying a year and a half, but with three miscarriages along the way. I think that's why I feel like while I think her actions are wrong, I don't want to judge SIL herself. I went pretty loopy for a good few months after the third miscarriage, and although I didn't do what OP's SIL did, who knows how much further more years and more miscarriages will erode my rationality!

I’ll traumatised further.... I’m so excited, what costume are you wearing?l

I read that as her trying to shut the conversation down, not being shallow.

If she wanted to shut the conversation down, she could have ended it with “I’m sorry, I don’t want to discuss this any further. It is upsetting.”

Op having read that message said herself that she thought she’d just go with the baby. So she clearly thought the same. I think after this I’m just going to turn up tbh.

Sorry Lisa don’t buy into it at all. It’s the sort of thing my sil has pulled on me. Different circumstances but concerning my stepdads funeral. Then got affronted when I refused to acquiesce to her unreasonable demands. So I recognise it.

I would be gutted if my partner wouldn't take part in family activities like Christmas, and expected me to support him in that

I just didn't want DH to cry on Christmas day, and was willing to not have my ideal Christmas to facilitate that. I actually think that's pretty bare minimum standards of partnership.

Lisa
I’m sorry you’re struggling. It must be really hard. I do think you’re projecting .

Littlejayx

I find you to be the kindest most generous gentle person who is trying to enjoy the birth of your beautiful DD with your Family.... unfortunately someone else's decisions and reasons are having an adverse affect on your ability to move freely amongst your own Family... I am sorry for you .. and I am sorry for your baby girl... I hope you find the strength and support to get through this Birthday event.. and Christmas and every other event which potentially could be challenging for you ... best wishes Littlejay

I didn't mean you personally, I was referring to the earlier comment about the SIL ducking out of family Christmasses because of OP's baby.

Maybe I am projecting. I also feel like a lot of people on this thread are projecting their own protectiveness of their babies and their inability to imagine anyone not being as overjoyed with them as they are. Some, but not most, are also projecting their own rather ugly views of infertile women.

Some, but not most, are also projecting their own rather ugly views of infertile women.

Where? I don't see that at all. Why would anyone have ugly views about infertile women?

"Just Received this from my not birthday brother, I think after this, i'm just going to turn up tbh!"

I think if you have agreed with her just yesterday that you will pop in for a short time then you should stick that tbh.

My interpretation of that messsge was that OP has not spoken to SIL but SIL has lied about the arrangement to placate the brother.

My main concern here is that she sounds out of control and really not coping well. The reasons for her feelings are pretty much incidental to the way she is acting out. She obviously isn’t coping and has found a pretty crap strategy to deal with things. A strategy that is unsustainable in the long term without causing long term damage to family relationships.

The poster who are questioning how long this can go on how the right idea. Even if she isn’t excluding the OP at Christmas she will still be driving a wedge between DH and his family at a point where he could probably do with the support. It isn’t all about her.

OP- if you care about her then have the conversation to help her find another way to face this. What she is doing at the moment is not only unfair it is also the most damaging way for her in the long run.

Lisa - but if the OP had already told the SIL that was the plan, then why would the OP post this?
"Just Received this from my not birthday brother, I think after this, i'm just going to turn up tbh!"

I don't know - I'm confused too now.

Either way, I don't think the SIL's behaviour or attitude towards the OP is acceptable - I DO understand that she's hurting but she can't exclude just one baby and not the others, that's unreasonable. Either all or none.

Lisa again there is a big difference between choosing not to go to Christmas and excluding someone from a family gathering. You are making false analogies.

If the SIL is struggling, I'm sure 90% of the thread would be on her side if she either, just did something alone with her husband or alternatively if she had an adults only gathering. Her husband should 100% support her with that.

However, she is behaving very badly organising things in the way the OP has outlined and her husband should not support her in treating other people badly even if she is in pain. Its outrageous and its why the SIL is getting so much vitriol.

I personally never call people names as I think its childish. But to set this up as some unfounded attack and double treatment of the infertile is ridiculous.

A person can be a nasty inconsiderate person whether they have children or cannot have them and infertility doesn't make anyone's behaviour immune from criticism.

Op agreed to not taking her Baby.... because she was 'lied too' and was assured that No Children would be at the Birthday party... she has now received 'text proof' from her 'other' brother... that all children and babies are in fact invited... but OP's breast fed baby is to be completely excluded...now that's not very nice

I think you SIL is reacting to your baby because your brother and your DD are blood related. The babies in her family are not blood related to him. She hasn't been able to provide him with a baby with a genetic link but you have ifyswim?

It does make it ok though to exclude your DD from her uncle's birthday celebration. I would go but leave DP in the car with baby and swap from time to time. When other guests realise what is happening they will insist DD comes inside and SOL will have to make peace with your DD being part of the family. Hard as it is she is being unfair.

Your SIL is requiring secrecy to pull this off. End that, diplomatically.

She is undoubtedly hurting and possibly not thinking straight. At the same time, she IS acting unreasonably.

Having seen that message, i think you need to speak honestly and openly to the rest of your family.

SIL is hurting. We don’t know if there are extra factors like her having lost a baby who would have been similar in age. She can not dictate this though - it’s not reasonable and not fair on the OP, her child, her brother. How long will she continue to exclude? A young baby doesn’t really care, but a toddler will pick up that they aren’t wanted. Is OP to stay in purdah the rest of her life?

This kind of thing creates rifts in families. Get it all out in the open now.

Doesn't make it ok - typo

It doesn't really make sense in that she has other children and babies coming. Unless she miscarried recently and the baby would have had a similar due date? However, your brother respects her wishes and sees your baby without her so I suppose he would be OK with this.

I think you need to respect her pain even if it seems unreasonable. I expect this will blow over either when she has a baby or when a bit of time passes and your baby is older.

I cannot speak for others. I’m definitely not projecting my protectiveness of my baby. Who is 9 btw. I’m talking about what is right, fair and honest. The sil just sounds to me like someone, who puts herself and her wants/needs above others.

Yes it’s really really sad her husband’s sister has a baby and she does not but if she feels that badly about the situation, she needs counselling. Her grief should not be an excuse to command people to do her bidding. Most importantly, I don’t think she should have organised the event if she wasn’t prepared to invite the entire family. She should have waited until she was ready.

The impression I’m getting is that op has not discussed bringing or not bringing her baby to the party. She’s really trying to pull everyone’s strings if this is the case. And it’s not on.

I think you need to respect her pain even if it seems unreasonable. I expect this will blow over either when she has a baby or when a bit of time passes and your baby is older.

She doesn't need to respect her SIL's pain if it is causing her to be excluded from family events.

It might blow over but I would not sit and wait for that to happen. I would not allow my child to be excluded then become a part of her life when she allows it.

Talk to her OP. Tell her the baby is coming and end all this now. Do it compassionately but I would make it very clear that this ends now and she is going to have to find a way of dealing with it because you are no longer willing to facilitate her excluding you.

Blimey-I've just read the message from your brother-I missed that!

Did you speak to her just yesterday?

This is really odd.

Ask your brother to add to you to the group chat. She is just being horrid if it's ok for HER nieces and nephews to go but not your child!

The thing is user what happens if this never blows over? If the SIL never has a child? How long is it ok to try to cut family members off for something that isn’t their fault and they have no control over?

It is not a healthy way to deal with emotions.

I do also think that the SIL is asking a lot from the OP but is just expecting the OP to suck it up. This is causing the OP heartache. All th SIL is doing is spreading her own misery on to people who bear no responsibility for her current situation.

Is the OP just supposed to take, smile and move on when SIL decides that the OP and her DD are forgiven for existing?

I really don't like that your SIL has told your other brother to not mention what she's said to you - she's really trying to keep secrets and you out of the loop and that's not on.

Perhaps if she'd been up front with you and actually said - "look, I know it's really weird of me, but your baby upsets me more than any other baby in my family, so please can you be sensitive to my situation and not bring her to the party, even though other babies will be there?" it might have been something you could have at least talked through with her - but she's using lies and deceit to exclude your baby. It's really awful!

Do you know any of her family to ask them?

She is using secrets to get her own way. It's naive of her to think your other brother won't tell you, to be honest!

What are you going to do, OP? I'd be really cross if I was you!

God, that message! Other brother needs to tell her SIBU. Bloody hell.

Also the poor child. What if SIL never manages to have children, is she going to be allowed to exclude OP's DD from any family gathering? DD will wonder what she did to upset her aunt. Be born. Right.