SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

Why are infertile women the only ones with feelings or deserving of compassion?

See, it's this kind of comment. As if society was so overflowing with compassion for the infertile - an idea which is almost funny - and as if the pain of not getting to go to a party is exactly comparable to being infertile. Again, I don't think this makes SIL right - apart from anything else, OP being excluded isn't actually going to alleviate her own pain - but when people are actually getting impatient at tiny crumbs of sympathy being given to the infertile...

I have no problem with the many posts acknowledging her pain but saying she should do this. I have a problem with the many posts suggesting that she's not in pain at all, and is just being nasty for the sake of it, or is deliberately trying to hurt OP

Well, no one here knows her. The fact that she is excluding only OP's baby might suggest something else is going on. It could be that OP's baby is especially hard for her to be around compared to the other babies, or there could be something else going on. No one really knows do they?

Infertility isn't a free pass to behave awfully.

Any empathy I had for the woman was extinguished by her behaviour.

I agree with mentioning on the group chat (or getting your brother to) that you'd heard that plans had changed so you're now planning on bringing your baby, as children are now invited.

I'm really not being goady or mean and if you see my other comments I have repeatedly said its really shit for SIL. But I am struggling with why one persons struggle trumps anothers? The OP might not have another baby, so this might be her only chance to enjoy this time.

If the party was no children I would think the SIL was completely within her rights to do this.

Lisa, how long should this exclusion be allowed to go on for? Genuine question.

I am, for what its worth, sorry you are struggling yourself.

For some reason, your sister in law found your pregnancy and the birth of your child harder than that of other children. It is impossible to know what the reason is- perhaps she had just had a miscarriage or failed IVF attempt or other disappointment (related to infertility) just before you announced your pregnancy. Whatever the reason, I doubt it is personal to you. She clearly is not coping at all with the fact that she may never have children and this is making her irrational.

and as if the pain of not getting to go to a party is exactly comparable to being infertile.

That's downplaying it a bit isn't it? It's not the party as such. It is being excluded from her brother's birthday party, the brother she is close to. It's not being able to attend any family events and being pushed aside because SIL is hurting. What happens at Xmas? Does OP have to stay at home with the baby whilst everyone else gets together? It's being hurt because your child is excluded and that child can't take part in family life. The baby doesn't care now but it will in future if this isn't dealt with now.

There is no excuse for what SIL is doing.

Lisa, how long should this exclusion be allowed to go on for? Genuine question.

I actually said, right at the beginning of the thread, that OP needed to talk to her brother after this party and say that this couldn't happen again. If it wasn't a surprise party I would say she should do it beforehand. From the message upthread it seems that OP told SIL that she would just pop in for half an hour without baby - that's a bit of a shame, as I think whatever conversation that occurred in could have been used to explain that she feels upset by this. I don't think SIL should exclude OP's DD, nor do I think this can be allowed to go on (though in any case presumably usually SIL won't be organising family events and so able to make these decisions - she'll have to not go herself, instead).

What happens at Xmas? Does OP have to stay at home with the baby whilst everyone else gets together?

Again, that's unlikely to be SIL's decision to make, isn't it? More likely, they won't go to a family Christmas if she still can't bear being around the baby. SIL had no possible opt-out of this event.

If the SIL wasn't having any children at the party, then I would be on the SIL's side & tell the OP that she needs to respect her SIL's wishes.
As said previously we don't know the whole story & for all we know it could be the OP who may be the inconsiderate one.
However I'm taking the OP on face value.

Fair enough, thank you for answering.

DH and I talked seriously about going away for Christmas this year because we wondered if it would be too hard to be around my new nephew. Luckily we've found him, rather than the fact of a pregnancy with a very similar due date to my own first failed one, to be much easier to be around. But it would only ever have been on the cards for us to exclude ourselves, not to organise Christmas for everyone but them. Hopefully SIL won't choose to avoid OP's DD, but I do think that's her choice to make.

I stand by what I said about the sil. Her message sounds shallow. To paraphase:

It took me years and years to conceive and I had 2 full cycles of ivf and one frozen cycle to have my dd. I had my dd when I was 37 so I do understand.

So much conjecture and supposition has gone on through this thread. The sil is undoubtedly suffering a great deal. I understand having taken so long myself to fall pregant. But she also sounds manipulative. And that behaviour can not be excused.

Lisa surely you can see that there is a difference between saying a husband should prioritise his wife if his mother is mistreating her versus a husband should exclude an innocent baby from family gatherings?

Not everything is an attack on infertile women / treating them differently to women with children. Use some common sense.

I would never condone name calling and wouldn't refer to her as such, I don't have a lot of family close and I would love everyone to get on and be happy. But I know sometimes this isn't the case. I will just see how I feel on the day to be honest.

More likely, they won't go to a family Christmas if she still can't bear being around the baby. SIL had no possible opt-out of this event.

That would be pretty unfair of her on her husband, in my opinion. I

It depends whether we phrase it as 'a husband should exclude an innocent baby from family gatherings' versus 'a husband should support his wife in avoiding situations she finds upsetting at a very difficult time', doesn't it? It was actually my husband who felt more strongly about not wanting to see my nephew at Christmas than I did before he was born, I think in part because I had that much closer bond to my brother - I did feel a bit sad about not seeing my family at Christmas, but I was never in any doubt that I would miss out rather than put DH through something he found too upsetting.

I’ll be traumatised further.... I’m so excited, what costume are you wearing?

I read that as her trying to shut the conversation down, not being shallow.

OP I think I would message her or call her.

I would tell her that whilst I am really sorry about how badly she is hurting you will be attending the party with your daughter as other babies are going. I would say something on the lines of how you can't allow your daughter to be excluded any longer and it's your brother's party and you know he would want you there. Give her some time to get her head around the fact that you are going with the baby.

I wouldn't turn up with her without warning, but I would be making it clear that enough is enough and you are both going because you won't allow your daughter to be excluded any longer.

I don't know Lisa. While it is unquestioningly upsetting to see babies when you can't have them, I don't think you can exclude your own close relative's babies even if you find the situation upsetting, because it affects whole family relationships.

I know you're after getting this deleted, but did she just openly and blatantly lie to your brother about having spoken to you?? And then had the outright gall to say "don't mention it to her" because she knows you'll tell him that she's lying!!
OMG.
And yes, it's very clearly you and your baby only that is grating on her - you HAVE to wonder why that is, when surely the other babies in her family would upset her too?

Urgh. I don't envy you this situation at all. But I still say that if you just turn up with your baby then it will create a LOT of drama at your brother's birthday party.

Fucking hell. Go back to the partner and baby in the car situation - your brother has been blatant, your SIL has lied to the group, but equally has made out that you know you shouldn't bring your baby, so if you do, you will be made out to be a heartless bitch now.

:(

I agree with U2 - I think it would be compassionate but fair, and is by far the best course of action.

I know you're after getting this deleted, but did she just openly and blatantly lie to your brother about having spoken to you??

I took it that OP had actually said that, since it was so incredibly close to what she said she'd do on this thread? It was a very lucky guess from SIL otherwise!

A lot of this will be solved if you get your whole family together and bring it all out into the open. Dont let her paint you as the bad guy here. A lot of what she is doing feels like bullying.

Lisa

Posted too soon, obviously, but that sentence basically summed up what I meant. I would be gutted if my partner wouldn't take part in family activities like Christmas, and expected me to support him in that, because he couldn't stand to be near my sister or her baby for something so absolutely not their fault.