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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
MarshaBrady0 · 06/11/2017 11:03

Even the op is being more compassionate, that description is awful

GabsAlot · 06/11/2017 11:08

it got ridiculous now

so sh knows about th popping in thing and is just going to accpt that coz its too hard for hr-whilst shs so bloody excitd about th party!

sorry where does this end-xmas next year? shs singling you out and its not right

MissScarletinthePantry · 06/11/2017 11:08

Some truly awful stuff on this thread. The lack of empathy is astounding.

Flowers to anyone struggling

GabsAlot · 06/11/2017 11:09

i know your othr db isnt going but he should tell her not just casuually ask about other kids etc

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 06/11/2017 11:10

There is plenty of empathy for both sides on this thread.

Appuskidu · 06/11/2017 11:13

Some truly awful stuff on this thread. The lack of empathy is astounding

As astounding as SIL's empathy towards the OP, really.

Honeycombcrunch · 06/11/2017 11:14

Your brother could have some fun suggesting suitable costumes for the party.

SIL as Cruella de Ville

Birthday brother as tightrope walker

Other brother as a judge or policeman

You, DP and DD as pirates Smile

mrsharrison · 06/11/2017 11:15

I have empathy for the OP whose daughter has been ignored by her aunt for the first four months of her life.
I have empathy for the OP whose daughter has been excluded from a party with her family.
I have empathy for the OP whose brother has to come on his own to visit his niece.
I have empathy for the niece who may face a future knowing her presence is unwelcome to this aunt, thereby affecting her relationship with her uncle.
Look to the future and all the family gatherings there will be - is OP going to have to face the same awkwardness everytime?

Aderyn17 · 06/11/2017 11:16

Empathy cannot extend to allowing sil to treat the OP (and her baby) like shit for ever more. Seriously, how long can this reasonably be tolerated before this little girl becomes aware that her auntie doesn't like her or ever want to see her?
Infertility is heartbreaking, but it's not a free pass to treat other people badly.

I'd turn up with the baby. I would tell sil in advance that I was going to do this and that I've had enough of this shit and it stops now. If it kicks off, it kicks off. Time everybody stopped indulging this behaviour.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 11:16

Ignore the bitter mad bitch

SIL as Cruella de Ville

Yeah, you're right, Tracy, this thread is just bursting with empathy.

This is why it's hard sometimes not to resent particular people's pregnancies. Because those people, who completely lack empathy and understanding - someone who's nasty enough to think that infertility is a joke - is raising a child. And obviously actually, that's just really sad for the child. But it's still hard not to resent.

Sallystyle · 06/11/2017 11:23

I think you need to have it out with her OP.

She is behaving horribly. I can't imagine the pain of infertility but you simply don't exclude one baby and invite others. She must be in so much emotional pain and she is suffering but she needs to deal with that without excluding just OP's child.

It's not fair on her husband or the wider family. She has to find a way of dealing with it so OP's baby isn't excluded whilst other babies are allowed to be around her.

I would have to go round (without the baby) and talk to her. It's your brother's birthday OP and your baby has every right to be there, and she needs to start making peace with the fact that your baby is here and a part of her husband's life. She isn't something she can carry on excluding because it hurts her.

Aderyn17 · 06/11/2017 11:29

But Lisa, the OP hasn't behaved unkindly to her sil. But the OP does have to consider long term impact of all this on her child. Sil's pain cannot be used to justify hurting her husband's neice, which is what will happen later if this isn't dealt with.

Sallystyle · 06/11/2017 11:30

Some truly awful stuff on this thread. The lack of empathy is astounding

Apart from the odd comment there has been empathy.

Infertility is not an excuse to target one person and exclude their child. If she couldn't be around any other babies then fair enough. It might hurt her more to see OP's baby for whatever reason, but her hurt does not give her the right to treat the OP the way she has. OP's baby is a part of the family and her pain does not trump that fact. No children? fair enough. Children except OP's? Shitty behaviour and being in pain doesn't stop it being so.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 11:31

But Lisa, the OP hasn't behaved unkindly to her sil.

Yes, and I've never suggested she has. I've actually repeatedly pointed out that OP has been a pretty calm, sane presence despite all the frothing idiots telling her that her SIL is worse than Satan and she should do whatever she likes with no thoughts of her feelings at all. I don't think the OP lacks empathy, and I feel sorry that she's in this horrible position, but I think there are an awful lot of people on this thread who should take a long hard look at themselves.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 06/11/2017 11:32

^ This ^

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 11:33

Apart from the odd comment there has been empathy.

I strongly disagree that it's the odd comment. You can find at least one completely vile post on each page of this thread, and many more on some of them.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 06/11/2017 11:34

I mean ^This^ in relation to U2HasTheEdge's post.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 11:35

Let's take page 17 (the one before this). On this SIL is called a 'twat' an 'first class bitch' and a 'bitter mad bitch'. She has been called a bitch literally dozens of times on this thread. It's really not the odd comment.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 11:36

Sorry, page 16! And to be clear, I didn't pick it because it was particularly bad, it was just the last full page.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 06/11/2017 11:45

Well she is. And before you say I don't know what it feel's like, I do.
However I agree to disagree with you the SIL's behaviour.

But I do agree infertility is shit. Infertility is cruel & it taunts you.
And it hurts Flowers

Sallystyle · 06/11/2017 11:47

Well, she is acting horribly. I wouldn't call her a bitch but her behaviour is horrible. Hurting is never an excuse to take that out on someone else and make them feel like shit and exclude them from their own family.

SIL needs to deal with her nieces existence. She can't carry on excluding her and to do so is cruel, no matter how much she is hurting. Hurt does not give you an excuse to treat people awfully. OP's dd is family, she should not be hid away whilst other babies are allowed to attend the party.

I have empathy for anyone who is struggling with infertility, but I don't have to have empathy with the actions SIL is taking.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 11:49

I haven't supported the SIL's behaviour at any point, and have made it clear that in slightly similar circumstances I've made very different decisions. But to claim that a thread in which the SIL is called a 'bitter mad bitch' is broadly supportive of the pain of infertility is laughable.

Mittens1969 · 06/11/2017 11:50

The language has been harsh but that’s what happens with AIBU. The SIL’s behaviour has been bad, though. Telling the OP that the party is adults only and then telling the others that it isn’t tells her that her DD is being singled out. How else is she supposed to see it?

The language has been unduly harsh, but it’s not surprising as the OP has clearly been hurt and yet is still doing her best to see things from her SIL’s POV.

There were times when I didn’t want to see my oh so fertile SIL and her brood. But I wouldn’t have excluded them from family events. You learn to paint a smile on your face and have a cry in private.

If it was her own 40th then it would be an entirely different matter.

Hollyhop17 · 06/11/2017 11:52

That message from your Sil to your DB is bloody awful. Why are infertile women the only ones with feelings or deserving of compassion?

Why doesnt the OP get to spend time with her DD and her family? What if the OP needs a break and some help? (I think it was mentioned she doesnt live near family). I genuinely dont understand why so many think the OP should hide her child away.

As I said upthread, where does this end? What age is it no longer acceptable to exclude dd from SIL? No one who thinks the SIL is being reasonable seems to have answered that question.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 11:53

You learn to paint a smile on your face and have a cry in private.

Again, yes, I have done this. I have no problem with the many posts acknowledging her pain but saying she should do this. I have a problem with the many posts suggesting that she's not in pain at all, and is just being nasty for the sake of it, or is deliberately trying to hurt OP, or that she's attention-seeking. She's behaving badly and irrationally but I think it's awful to pretend that there's no cause for this - and it's also profoundly unhelpful to OP, who has to try and forge a family relationship with this person going forward. Telling her that SIL is just an irredeemably dreadful person hardly seems conducive to that.