SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

You have to report your own post to mumsnet. They may or may not agree (and you did put it up on a public forum!) but if you say you're worried you'll be identified in real life they probably will.

So she's definitely targeting the OP? What a twat.

I've read a bit more of the thread and I'd say just go to the party with your partner and daughter. Just don't seek out sil at the party.

I think lots of people are very sensitive to the feelings of the person who can't have children, as they are in this thread but they forget the person who has had the baby also has feelings. It's really horrible to exclude your daughter and effectively you just because you've had a baby when she can't. I think your sil needs to put her own feelings to one side and allow your daughter to be part of her family. I'm in a similar situation and feel awful about having my kids at the same time as my sil and brother struggling to have children, I feel as though I'm rubbing it in their faces.

Start a new thread in the less obvious place after the party.

After that response I would definitely just go with the baby. She’s being utterly unreasonable

not really anyone’s business but hers and your brothers tbh.

It is the OP's business when it's her child being excluded.

One quick thought - how certain are you that the person with the 1 month old baby is going? It's just that this seems to have come from her saying in the group message that children were ok - but I wonder whether SIL has made her own arrangement with the baby's mother, clearly as she believes she has with OP?

It's all about SIL isn't it?
OP's brother is also a person who wants to have his own child. No doubt he is heartbroken at their struggle to conceive.
But he has the grace to embrace his niece, albeit on his own. I'm sure he'll make a great dad one day.
Of course he will want his niece there - she is his blood and no one has the right to exclude her - not even his wife.
Don't over think this - don't ok it with anyone beforehand.
Just go and take DD with you.

I'm sure he'll make a great dad one day.

Yet another thing you shouldn't say to someone going through infertility problems.

Infertility & pregnancy loss are heartbreaking.
However you're SIL is being a first class bitch.
If she was really that heartbroken it would be no babies at all at the party.
What do your parents think about this?
I think it's time for this elephant in the room to be dealt with.

I am in a slightly similar situation however my infertility has not been going on for as long as your SIL. My SIL has a toddler and is pregnant again – both first time wonders. My issue is with her – it seems to me like everything comes easily to her and that she doesn’t have a single care in the world. I am finding her pregnancy hard, I’ve not really commented on it (except for a text when we first found out) and I am dreading seeing her with a bump and when the baby arrives I know it’ll be really hard. As Lisa has attested to – I find her pregnancy much harder to bear than others because of the nature of the relationship I have with her and my feelings towards her.
But I also know that I will just have to get through these things – mostly for the sake of my relationship with my DH and I’m afraid to say that I think your SIL might have to do the same, otherwise she is at risk of being made out as the bad guy – and the posts on this thread are testament to that. I know you feel that you need to get some resolution to this now but is the party imminent or can you wait and see how things play out? I imagine it’ll be tricky to work something out around BF-ing etc. but could you cut her some slack… could you go for an hour without your DP and DD? Or does the travel make that unworkable?

OP, I think you are behaving admirably but it is likely that your age is having some bearing on how she is behaving – again not your fault – just trying to give you some context. Her mental health is likely in tatters at the moment and she won’t recognise herself. This is what infertility does to you. Yes she is being unreasonable but I can 100% understand why she is being that way.

I must say I’ve found some of the comments on here incredibly hard to read, it just hammers home how some people disregard how painful infertility can be.
I’ve also found some of the posts – whereby those suffering from infertility have gotten their babies eventually - very inspiring, so thank you to those ladies.

If I was other brother, I would have to ask SIL how is OP's baby different to the other babies that are invited and attending?

Why aren't her own neice's and nephew's going to make it traumatic?

You sound lovely, and that you want to be sensitive to SIL and not cause drama... but she is not the only person to be considered and she does need to be called out on this otherwise as others have said, where will it end?

My kids love looking at pics of family parties etc from when they were babies... especially where there are elderly relatives holding them etc who are no longer with us. It would be sad to have to say... "oh you were in the car" for every family event.

If I was your other brother I'd be tempted to explain that if the whole family isnt welcome then I wouldnt feel welcome either and boycott the party. But I suppose it's the birthday brother who would suffer in the end.

I have no advice really... it sounds like someone needs to have a gentle word with SIL about what's acceptable, this degree of unfairness/singling out of one person is out of order, however understanding you try to be.

We had some secondary infertility issues and mcs (nothing compared to some of the posters on here tho) and I tended to find it was ambush baby announcements etc that caught me off guard. Surely she sees babies every day, has seen a pic of your dd, has met the family babies on her side.... she needs to face up to your dd existence at some point and ideally, before the party.

But you may prefer to tiptoe around her demands in order to keep the peace.

Of course he will want his niece there - she is his blood and no one has the right to exclude her - not even his wife.

This is such a startling contrast to most Mumsnet threads, where it's a item of received faith that of course a man must prioritise his wife above his family of origin. Wife find your mother annoying? You, of course, must cut off all contact with mother - and if not then your wife 'doesn't have a MIL problem, she has a DH problem'. Turns out that only applies to fertile wives.

Just be kind and don't take your baby and then count your lucky stars you hAve her. I'm sure your baby won't mind missing out on the party... I'm sure infertility can make people behave irrationally and I think we should let people be irrational.

Bish BoshBash, but I'm not saying it to him am I?

Just take your daughter. Children are clearly invited.

I'm sure he'll make a great dad one day.

Again, the assumption that of course they'll have children eventually. After all, infertility is always resolvable, right?

OP, I think you need to ask outright why your baby is the only child that makes her so uncomfortable that she is excluded.

“To those saying 'Just turn up with the baby' this is the most passive aggressive advice I've ever seen on MN”

^Of course she should turn up with her baby! Did you miss the part where it’s been said (numerous times) that there’s going to be other babies there from 1month+??

Op, it’s your brothers birthday party- not hers! If other babies are going you need to ignore that wholly unreasonable request not to bring your dd and go with her anyway.

I struggled with infertility for years and not once did I ever behave like this. I think she’s just jealous of your close relationship with your brother and this is a shitty attempt to try and make you feel bad for having a baby while she’s struggling.

Take baby. Go. Enjoy.. Ignore the bitter mad bitch .

Of course she should turn up with her baby! Did you miss the part where it’s been said (numerous times) that there’s going to be other babies there from 1month+??

Again, I'm not so convinced that she hasn't separately spoken to those other mothers and also asked them not to bring their small babies. OP's first post made it sound like she had a lot more information than she did. All she knows is that SIL said children were ok in a group message.

Ignore the bitter mad bitch

And this is why I think that not everyone on this thread 'understands that the SIL is in real pain but thinks she needs to not act on this'. Some people are just horrible people who lack basic empathy.

15 pages in and not a mention (well ok, I think it was alluded to roundabout p7) that there are 2 people suffering with infertility in that marriage. DB must also be gutted about their fertility problems. Yet by what OP has said, he has always behaved well towards her/her DH/DC (and likes to see her). As things stand, he will be at his own party surrounded by lots of little people looking to some degree like his wife, none like him (I didn’t catch whether OP’s other siblings have kids or are ‘allowed ‘ to bring them).

And I don’t get the “SiL is organising the party, she can invite who she likes “ thing. If you’re organising for someone else, you invite who they would want to be there, not your own personal choice - it’s part of being grown up. Imagine a woman who turns up to a surprise party organised by her husband to find her dearest friend missing...and it then turns out that her husband deliberately chose not to invite her, because he disapproves or finds her ‘triggering ‘ or whatever. I can’t imagine that going down well with MN. In this case, it’s not even as if the SiL would have to have her nose pressed against The Accursed Child throughout, since OP says it’s a big gathering. I would guess a big proportion of people have been at gatherings where there’s someone they’d rather not engage with for whatever reason - again, being a grown-up is about tactically avoiding.

Oh, and doesn’t matter if DD is excluded as at 4mo she won’t notice anyway? I can guarantee that wouldn’t be the attitude taken if she was being excluded on grounds of eg mixed race or Down’s Syndrome.

I'd be wanting to clear up some things with her like why other babies and children are invited but you're not. And make sure people are aware of the situation so that she doesn't later claim that you didn't turn up or she'd told you dd was invited. ?group char

Its clearly targeted at you and I wouldn't go without dd. I would take her. I think she'll feel very silly on the night if you arrived without her and everyone asked why.

I think you'd be pissed off too when the party was full of other babies and children.

Most of all, its your brothers birthday and I'm sure he'd want his niece there.