SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

This debate about what is causing the SIL to target the OP's baby for exclusion is somewhat besides the point. Whatever it is, we all recognise that:

a. whatever the emotion is behind this, its being amplified by grief
b. despite her grief regarding her own infertility, her behaviour is inappropriate regarding the party. Either all children can attend or none.

Someone said up thread who has fertility issues it's not one baby you single out and can't see, it's ALL babies that are too painful to be around.

For that one person maybe. For me it was hard to be around a particular family because their DC was the exact same age as our lost DC would have been.

We have no idea if that is the case for SIL or not.

Stereotyping helps no one.

You DD is your brother’s niece - his blood relative. She happens to be a baby right now, but she is a permanent part of your brother’s family and by not inviting her when other babies are your SiL is being a complete bitch. Even if this isn’t about her fertility issues the fact that she is effectively bullying your child by exclusion is unacceptable. Agree with the pp who suggest your other brother clarifies her position on the group chat. It’s sad that she is going through such a hard time, but why have you and your DD become the scapegoats for that? And what do your parents think about the situation?

But she’s targeting you because you’ve stolen her glory

This sort of statement is why I bottled up so much of my hurt around infertility.

It has absolutely nothing to do with 'stolen glory' FFS

If they're all staying overnight then SIL may also be thinking that your family will have other time to see your DD, so why does the big 'let's all make a huge fuss about baby and mummy' have to take place at a party for her husband, who's hurting about their own fertility struggle.

^^ I presume SIL won't be allowing anyone to make a fuss of her and her baby when she does have one then? Why shouldn't a new baby have a fuss made of them by their loving family? Jesus Christ.

piglet. The thing is, I think, it is a hurt that is difficult to understand unless you've been there. I've never felt like this about anyone having anything else that was 'something I wanted' - people having dream jobs while I was struggling with mine, happy couples when I'd just been through a break-up, all of that, the pain was never as visceral and so the hurt and pain that came from seeing them so happy with something that I felt so devastated about not having was never there. But I think I would have thought beforehand - and I think many people do think - that it's the same; that it's petty and jealous to not be nice to someone because they have what you want, like a child who gets cross that someone else has the shiny toy. It's nothing like that, of course - it's an ache in the soul that, for me, has been like no other.

Just Received this from my not birthday brother, I think after this, i'm just going to turn up tbh!

(sorry for all the blurry bits, didn't want to put names!)

If they're all staying overnight then SIL may also be thinking that your family will have other time to see your DD, so why does the big 'let's all make a huge fuss about baby and mummy' have to take place at a party for her husband, who's hurting about their own fertility struggle.

^^ I presume SIL won't be allowing anyone to make a fuss of her and her baby when she does have one then? Why shouldn't a new baby have a fuss made of them by their loving family? Jesus Christ.

This...

I presume SIL won't be allowing anyone to make a fuss of her and her baby when she does have one then?

This isn't a very compelling argument when you're terrified - wake up crying in the middle of the night terrified - that you'll never have a child. I can honestly say that when I imagine getting pregnant and carrying to term among all the happiness I imagine I never think 'ooh, and I'll be the family centre of attention! What a treat that will be!' and I doubt SIL does either.

I think this is also why, to be honest, I find it hard to see why women whose children came very easily and without much worry get so upset and offended about this sort of thing. It's hard not to think 'jesus, you have your baby which - as people always say - is a joy and love like no other, can't you just not sweat this small stuff and enjoy your incredible fortune?'. But I guess it's like how I don't spend all of every day feeling lucky I have enough to eat, and indeed how I sometimes get moany about what I do have to eat in a way that to a person in a famine would feel offensive and ridiculous - it's hard to remember our own good fortune because we inevitably come to take it for granted.

Lisa I don't think that's a fair assumption. Most parents can probably imagine nothing worse that if they didn't have their children-- death of a child is probably the only greater horror in my mind.

However, almost all inappropriate behaviour in life stems from some hurt the person is going through that is unresolved. While that is absolutely mitigation, as adults we still hold each other accountable for how we treat one another.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this being aimed at my child and nobody elses.
Perhaps you could talk to her yourself? I feel like that would be the only way to get it all out in the open and resolved.

Most parents can probably imagine nothing worse that if they didn't have their children

I think it's pretty clear from this thread that lots of people don't share this view, hence saying that she should 'suck it up', 'get over it', and 'get a grip'. There are plenty of people who don't consider infertility a real and serious problem. There's also a widespread assumption that it'll always work out in the end - see the 'but what about when she has a baby?' comments. She might not, and she knows that. Despite what you see in the media, not all infertility stories end with miracle babies.

Whaaat, OP? So it is targeted at you? Can you get your brother to say he doesn't understand why it's just your daughter being excluded? That's the bit I still can't fathom.

I think you either have to stick to what you’ve arranged in terms of popping in on your own, or don’t go at all. SIL is very clearly struggling with your baby specifically so please don’t ruin her Hs 40th when she’s having a shit time anyway. I know he’s your brother but he’s also her husband, let them have this do and deal with it all after.

Maybe she’s had failed treatment coinciding with your pregnancy? Maybe she’s miscarried. It’s not really anyone’s business but hers and your brothers tbh. Just be kind. It’s a horrible, dark place where your SIL is, have some compassion.

OP, I can see why you're really hurt, but please don't just turn up - it will really not help. As you can see, she's happy to tell other people and clearly believes she's being reasonable, so she may well not feel too embarrassed to make a public scene - and it's your brother's birthday, don't do that. I think your brother should reply to that saying it's hard for you to see DD excluded when other small children can come, and see what she says to that. Or perhaps you should contact her and say that actually you don't feel happy with this plan, and that it is upsetting to have DD excluded like this. Don't just let her think that an acceptable compromise has been reached and then blindside her at the party itself.

Margaret I don't agree. I think people are saying, we get that she is in tremendous pain but she needs to figure out a way to still treat other people decently as pain (including the pain of infertility) is not a carte blanche to behave appallingly.

A person with empathy can hold both ideas in their head at the same time.

Thank you for all the advise,I've just been messaged about this being the sort of thing the daily mail would pick up on , so I'm going to request deletion. I will post a new thread with a update after the party.

From that message from her, there's obviously something specific about your pregnancy/newborn that she finds traumatic. If you or your brother really need to know why the other children are not an issue and will resent her otherwise then you could ask but I dare say it will be something deeply personal. She seems to think that you/your brother should know why your baby in particular is difficult for her.

I think you're saying that, LondonGirl. However, I think many people on this thread - e.g. the person who said that the SIL was just annoyed because her 'glory' had been stolen - do not recognise that the SIL is in real pain at all.

I completely agree with you - and I haven't ever behaved as the SIL has - but I don't think it's true that society universally recognises the pain and devastation of infertility.

But she’s targeting you because you’ve stolen her glory

I agree, this is a really nasty thing to say. I think OP’s SIL is very much out of order but it’s not a childish tantrum. Infertility hurts in a way that people who have no difficulty conceiving can’t understand. (My DM and DSis, but that’s another thread!)

I think your other DB should ask for clarification in the WhatsApp group chat, then it will be impossible for SIL to exclude your baby from the party. Being infertile does NOT give you the right to treat family members like dirt.

SIL is very clearly struggling with your baby specifically so please don’t ruin her Hs 40th when she’s having a shit time anyway

She is well on the way to ruining her H's husband herself by driving a large wedge between them and his sister.

I'm really worried the Daily Fail could pick this up and run a horrible piece about "catfights" and "jealousy"...eye roll

How do I get this deleted or hidden?

She seems to think that you/your brother should know why your baby in particular is difficult for her.

Yes, I thought that too. I really didn't expect her to openly admit it (and to her BIL, too), so I think she feels that the reason, whatever it is, is a very fair one. Which doesn't make her right, but I think means it probably isn't OP's age, as I thought, as I don't think she'd present that as a valid reason in quite the same way.

Cross-post with OP!