SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

Just take your child.
What's she going to do? Kick her out?
This

If the SIL doesn’t like it so what. The request was out of order in the first place and - newsflash - this is her husband’s birthday celebration , it’s not all about SIL.

I suspect your young age may be part of it OP. She’s clearly not thinking rationally probably due to pain and grief but it doesn’t change the fact it’s not fair to exclude your baby from the family and family events.

Your idea isnt a bad one.
However, if anyone is asking you why your dd isn’t there or why your DH isn’t there, then I would answer truthfully.
Incl to her family.

That way, you’ve done what she asked. Your dd isn’t there at the event. But people know, incl her family. If they are really keen in big family etc... then I don’t think that will go down very well at all.

As for not hurting anyone. The only way you are not going to hurt anyone is by going there wo your dd and not saying a word to anyone as to why this is like this. Incl to yur brother and your parents etc....
There will be someone hurt though and that you, your DH and in some ways your dd.
So in you ur position, I wouod remembervthatnyou are NOT the person creating the issue, your SIL is. She is the one who is putting you and her own DH in a really hard spot. She is the one creating a situation where someone is being hurt.

And yes I’m sure she is finding very very hard. Esp of this is her own DH b’dy and she can’t escape it.
But at the same time, she can’t go hurting other people because she is hurting.
Nor can she say that xxx baby is allowed but not yours.

Btw I suspect that her own family isn’t aware about all that. And if they were they would be horrified.
Maybe this is the time to ask for support from her side of the family.
Not in a ‘I’m really angry and will let anyone know’ position.
But in a ‘I realise how hard this must be for SIL. I’m not sure how to handle it but at the same time, I can’t ever turn up with my dd’ and see if they can have a gentle chat with her too.

I agree with others that you need to take the bull by the horns before the event and message her directly about your baby.

Start by explaining that you can’t leave DD because if feeding and if she can’t come then you will have to bow out or have DH sit outside with her. Don’t be angry or accusative. However, unreasonable she is you don’t want to hurt her to the point where she resents you (more than she may already do).

Leave the ball in her court. If she wants to take it further and insist that you DD doesn’t attend then you will have your answer to how she feels and you can call her out on it on the group Whatsapp. But try talking just to her first. Leave the door open for her to make a better choice before you unleash the hounds!

I still think her behaviour is cunty though. But I can sympathise with her. However, being sympathetic doesn’t mean you let someone walk all over you to your detriment.

I understood your post where you said your sil doesn't want to see your daughter, but I didn't understand the part where you say she'll see a 1 month old from her side of the family? Is it because you are the younger sibling and have had the baby I wonder? I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel how you do though, I wouldn't go to a family event either if my baby wasn't invited.

I could have written some of your post. I also have a baby the same age and my sil and brother can't have kids. My brother is the same age and I'm also the younger sibling. She refused to meet my little boy and we live around the corner from them! The thing is my brother wouldn't come and meet him either. I was very understanding and just let it go, my husband kept on nagging me to invite them over, I just said well they have an open invite. They only met our little boy by chance last week, we just happened to visit our parents at the same time. My brother was very happy to meet him and picked him up right away, he walked into the other room where his wife was (she wouldn't even come into the same room!!) and said to her "look! Do you want a hold?" To which he got a death stare and a firm "no" from her. My brother went and put his nephew back down like he'd done something wrong.

I understand they have fertility issues. This is our second child in as many years so it is hard for her. She miscarried the same week we had our first child so I already feel I'm rubbing their noses in it. I spoke to a few friends though and they have told me they're being ridiculous avoiding all contact with us because we have 2 under 2. I guess we just have to be patient with them too, but it's very sad they are missing out on seeing them.

My previous post said to have dh and dd in the car but now after reading about the Facebook chat I think you have a chance to sort it out before hand. If you’re on the group reply saying the three of you are looking forward to it. If she says (directly in the group or by private message) that your dd isn’t invited you can explain that you thought they must be now as other babies are going. This would at least open the communication. If you’re not in the group (it isn’t clear) then get your brother to write something on your behalf. Maybe she meant older children weren’t invited but breastfed babies would actually be ok? Probably not but I’m trying to give her the benefit of doubt!

If the SIL doesn’t like it so what. The request was out of order in the first place and - newsflash - this is her husband’s birthday celebration , it’s not all about SIL.

Yes, it is all about the brother - which all the people suggesting that it doesn't matter if his wife gets upset seem to have missed. If SIL ends up upstairs crying then he is hardly going to have a perfect evening. The very fact that he sees his niece alone suggests that a) he knows she upsets his wife and b) he has decided to work around this rather than confront her. This is his wife, whom he presumably loves. Over the last four years the two of them have presumably gone through emotional hell together, and she is - exactly as one would hope - probably his top priority bar none. When I was umming and ahhing over whether to go to my SIL's baby shower, which I was worried would be really upsetting for me (don't worry, I did the dutiful thing and went) my husband was horrified at the idea and tried to talk me out of going. Because he loves me, has seen me cry and cry and cry over our miscarriages and time TTC (and we've only been trying a third of time the OP's SIL has) and I think wishes he could do something, anything to stop me being in this pain.

Well that puts a different light on things!! I agree with pps.

All you need to do is get your other brother to add you to group chat and say something along the lines of “I’ve added LittleJay as she wasn't on the group chat. She’s under the impression it’s adults only at x party. I hope adding her on will set her mind at ease that all children are welcome.”

And watch sil squirm. I understand she’s upset that she’s not the one with the baby. But she’s targeting you because you’ve stolen her glory. Enough is enough.

It makes no sense to do what you’re proposing. She’ll wheedle her way out of it. Make no mistake. “Oh I changed my mind darling husband”, “ oh it was a mistake darling husband”, “I forgot there was so much to organise darling husband”.

You just going along for half an hour will be spun into a nasty and passive aggressive attempt to show your sil in a bad light. You need to act in an innocent and adult way and assume that she has just made a mistake.

There is no “winning” with your sil. She’s doing her very best to ensure you lose whatever you do.

Or just get your brother to ask on chat

I understand she’s upset that she’s not the one with the baby. But she’s targeting you because you’ve stolen her glory.

This is such a nasty reading of the pain of being around other people's children when you can't have your own. I agree SIL is being unreasonable but she isn't jealous someone else is getting the attention, like a spoilt child - she's devastated by her own grief at potentially never having children, and she wants to be away from the most acute reminders of that. She isn't worried about her 'glory' being stolen, she's terrified that her 'glory' - or, rather, the joy of having children - will never, ever come.

The OP has said that she was invited over FB, but the group chat was all her OTHER family and the SIL's family. Her OTHER brother, not SIL's DH, has taken screen shots to show the OP - this would very strongly suggest that the OP is NOT in the group chat and therefore is unable to discuss any of it in the group chat.

She will have to ask on either the open FB invitation page, or call her SIL and talk to her directly, which would be a bit risky if the SIL really doesn't like her, as she could claim that the OP has been rubbing her nose in it, being mean, being insensitive. Better to have it all out in the open.

It might be inappropriate, but actually I think the safest thing to do is for the other brother, the one who IS in the group chat, who took the screenshots and who is NOT married to the SIL, to say "Hey, Littlejayx is strangely under the impression that her baby is not allowed to come to brother's 40th - that can't be right, surely?"
That brings it to light in front of her family and the rest of the OP's family but prior to the party.

I think the SIL is behaving very badly here, but I don't think it would be fair for OP to turn up at brother's 40th birthday out of the blue with her baby, as it might cause a lot of upset and drama which would ruin the birthday. I think the car option is a safer compromise; but I think it would be better brought into the open prior to the party.

OP, just wanted to say that I’m sorry your happiness of having a baby has been marred by the issues and reactions of people around you.
Congratulations on being a mum ❤️ I’m quite a young mum too (24) and have felt awkward around older ladies who have had fertility difficulties and at times made to feel guilty that i fell pregnant so easily when they have not and have been trying for so long and may be approaching the end of their chances to have babies.

lisa. I think people are saying she is jealous because she is inviting other babies and children from her own family.

The targeted exclusion of the OP may have various explanations but it's not crazy for posters to suggest jealousy of her specific child is one of them. Jealousy amplified by grief is still jealousy.

You just going along for half an hour will be spun into a nasty and passive aggressive attempt to show your sil in a bad light. You need to act in an innocent and adult way and assume that she has just made a mistake.

This x 100.

What did you say by the way when she said there were no children allowed? Your OP said,

My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her

but your subsequent updates have just said no children-that reason wasn't given. What exactly did she say and how did you reply? Have you clarified with her any details since finding out other children will be there?

What are her side of the family like? Do you get on with them? Do you think they would think she's being ridiculous or not?

Have all of the things over this weekend of celebration been organised without your DB knowing? That's a lot to organise for his wife-trying to keep every single event a secret from him!! Give her the benefit of the doubt that it was an oversight that she said to you a while back that to one of the many events, it was adult only?!

she’s targeting you because you’ve stolen her glory

After 4 years of TTC, I think she and her husband are probably a bit beyond wanting "glory" and will just desperately be wanting a baby.

I agree it's a good idea for the other brother to bring it up in the group chat. Or he could add the OP to the group...

I would also write and point out that lots of other children around the same age are going and so you presume she's changed her mind. It's not fair to exclude one child only, you need to discuss this with her.

i know if we'd had a family do at the kind of age that the OP's baby is at - MIL would have been so hysterically over the top with the baby it would have been like pouring acid into the open wound

Perhaps then, if feelings were that extreme, it would have been better to arrange a secret birthday weekend not including DH's family? Perhaps take him away just the two of them.

This is presumably all her idea (as her DH doesn't be know about any of the plans) so she has deliberately engineered the entire situation. To an outsider (assuming we have all the facts), the only person this is aimed at upsetting is the OP.

@LisaSimpsonsbff - that would ring true as an argument if all the children in the family weren't invited but it looks like it is just the OP's DD. I can't understand how it would be particularly painful to have the OP's 4 month old there rather than, say, the one month old from her side of the family? It does seem targeted against the OP for some reason. Especially considering SIL has also excluded her from the group chat about the event but included the other brother. Really odd.

Surely SIL's family (including her parents) will be going crazy over the other babies there given that it looks like they are all invited? I can't understand how that would be any less painful than her in-laws cooing over the OP's baby? Or have I missed something?

that would ring true as an argument if all the children in the family weren't invited but it looks like it is just the OP's DD. I can't understand how it would be particularly painful to have the OP's 4 month old there rather than, say, the one month old from her side of the family?

Well, for instance, one month old might be product of years trying and six rounds of IVF. It may be that she finds OP's young age and other parts of her life (maybe she thinks it was really financially irresponsible of them to have this baby? Maybe she doubts OP's relationship will last?) means that she finds it 'unfair' in a way that she doesn't find the others. Again, I would never, ever act upon it, but, as I said upthread, I do find some pregnancies much more upsetting than others. I keep it to myself, and I think SIL should too (but then, as I said, I haven't been trying nearly as long as her, and I don't know what she's been through to bring her to where she is now) and I don't think that's unusual.

I also think it's quite likely that she thinks OP's family, who live far away from her, are likely to make much more of a fuss of her child, as opposed to her own family who seem to all be arriving together. Again, I don't think it's fair or reasonable, but it might make it feel very different to her. I adore my nephew but to be honest it is hard to see how besotted my parents are. There is something about it that makes the pain of not having my own baby (and the first of my miscarriages would have been due at the same time as my nephew, if it had worked out) very raw.

To an outsider (assuming we have all the facts), the only person this is aimed at upsetting is the OP.

I think it is pretty paranoid (and to be honest, pretty 'my baby is the centre of not only my but everyone's universe') to assume that this whole party has been planned to upset the OP. I think it likely that the OP has prioritised her own feelings above OP's, and that's not ok, but the idea that this is some sort of vindicative master plan is absurd.

Sorry, I meant 'the SIL has prioritised her own feelings above OP's' - and, to be clear, I know that the OP herself has never suggested that this party is some giant way of getting at her. Indeed, the OP has generally been much kinder and calmer than the majority of posters on here - perhaps because, unlike them, she knows the SIL and, while hurt, seems to know that she is a person in pain, not a wicked witch?

YANBU. Infertility is very painful yes but so is having your innocent 4 month old child excluded from a family party for no reason. This sets a precedent OP - do not allow it to happen. Your baby needs to be able to be part of their family like any other child. Not treated like an outcast for having the nerve to exist.