Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 06/11/2017 08:01

Honestly,this could be resolved fairly quickly and easily if you just post on ghe group chat asking for clarification of whether kids will be coming or not

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 08:01

I actually wonder whether SIL genuinely doesn't realise that you can't/won't come without baby. The others clearly all need to stay overnight, so it's obvious that they can't leave the babies at home. If you're local she might really think that it's not asking that much that you come along without them for a couple of hours. Obviously you can't, but I wonder what her reaction would be if you said you can't come without DD because of feeding.

readyforapummelling · 06/11/2017 08:02

Have you spoken to your parents? If so how do they feel about their DGC being excluded? If I was in your shoes I would definitely be having a sit down with SIL and speaking to her calmly about it. I wouldn’t be able to act normally around her as it would just be festering inside making me more angry until I went ballistic probably at the bloody party.

It’s not fair on your DD, or you to be excluded from attending events as a family.

Appuskidu · 06/11/2017 08:03

If you do go but leave the baby with DH in the car (I do not think this is a good idea), how are you going to explain to everyone why you've done that? The first question everyone there will ask you is 'where is the baby?' You will either have to reply-SIL wouldn't let her come and told me there were no children were allowed (which may sound odd as there will clearly be children there) or you might look strange and as if there was a reason you chose not to bring the baby into the party!

HangryHanderson · 06/11/2017 08:05

Sorry can someone who has read it all confirm the ages of the invited nieces and nephews?
If they are all toddler age plus, I'd assume it was a non-baby event rather than non-children event. A new baby will be more triggering than an older child and I would respect her wishes. Sorry OP.

Appuskidu · 06/11/2017 08:06

Have you read the first post, Hangry?!

big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years )

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 08:06

If they're all staying overnight then SIL may also be thinking that your family will have other time to see your DD, so why does the big 'let's all make a huge fuss about baby and mummy' have to take place at a party for her husband, who's hurting about their own fertility struggle? If her family are all very close and you live some distance from yours then I would guess her family are less likely to see the babies as such novelties that the whole night becomes about them.

readyforapummelling · 06/11/2017 08:07

Hangry SILs 1 month old niece/nephew is going so OPs DD wouldn’t even be the youngest there.* That’s why it’s so odd.*

DancingOnParsnips · 06/11/2017 08:07

she explains that kids come and my brother has taken screen shots of this.. I thought you said your brother didn't know and that it's a surprise.

lizabes · 06/11/2017 08:09

She has two brother’s Dancing

HotelEuphoria · 06/11/2017 08:09

Yeh I didn't get that bit either

HotelEuphoria · 06/11/2017 08:10

Ahhhh, yes!

glitterlips1 · 06/11/2017 08:10

I would ask her outright why she keeps snubbing you. Infidelity can't be why as she has invited other children over yours.

Spartasprout · 06/11/2017 08:15

I read it from earlier posts that the OP has two brothers. I think a second brother didn't want to attend because of the exclusion of the baby.

HangryHanderson · 06/11/2017 08:16

Sorry Blush I was skim reading. Slaps wrist.
In that case, and it really is 100% the case other babies are present, then you call her up and call her on it.

knowsmorethansnow · 06/11/2017 08:20

I would ask her why your child is excluded and others aren’t.

Engorged · 06/11/2017 08:21

So if you are in a group watsapp and she's said kids will be allowed, why not just say 'that's great thank you the there of us will see you then'. She probably does mean to exclude but she's issued two invites, one just you two and a 'everyone' one. She will private message you if she doesn't want your dd there and I think then you are in better stead to discuss how excluded and unfair it is.

If she does mean to exclude you then I wouldn't go at all but just make clear why after the event.

Infertility and loss can make you irrational and unreasonable because grief is tied up in it. I felt unable to see babies after my loss and I hated that my baby which should have been the first grandchild. Not because of thunder stealing but because of the 'finally we are grandparents/are we ever going to be grandparents' that kept being said. It hurt because I felt my baby was forgotten and uncared about.

You need to talk to her op. Text her don't call so she can process it before getting back to you.

runsmidgeOMG · 06/11/2017 08:22

In an ideal world I think SIL would have no children attending but probably can’t get away with it to her siblings, maybe because they’ll be mean and throw a few “life goes on” quotes or something to that effect...

maybe she’s clutching at straws with you because she’s trying to keep limited control and because you’re younger... manipulative but hurting people do strange things.

That said I know of people suffering numerous and devastating MC, my cousin who cannot conceive despite invasive IVF, a friend who’s baby died hours after birth and had to see a child of a similar age grow up.

Compared to these women I had it easy, but it took me 3.5 years to conceive and I have felt the sting of seeing other couples happiness so what the above inspirational women must feel must be unbearable. All of us did not exclude, attended christenings and cuddled babies with the knowledge that it may not happen to us BUT that is not the fault of our friends and family and their children. She needs to be kinder and more respectful of others. Please talk to her and your family. Flowers

Appuskidu · 06/11/2017 08:23

I would ask her why your child is excluded and others aren’t.

I think doing this (nicely) on the group chat is the best way to do this. Give her a chance to say plans have changed and of course children can now come!

Honeycombcrunch · 06/11/2017 08:35

I think you need to message SIL to ask if your baby is invited or not as you know there are other children going and you aren't sure. If she says no, it's time to tell her that you have tried to understand her situation but you are hurt that DD, an innocent baby, is to be excluded for no good reason. Let her try to explain herself. Either your child is invited like the kids from her family or you won't be attending. It makes me cross to think that you would consider leaving your child to sit outside in the car while you tiptoe around your bitchy SIL.

Being infertile is horrible but it doesn't give anyone the right to be deliberately nasty to a child.

Fishface77 · 06/11/2017 08:38

Just take your child.
What's she going to do? Kick her out?
And if she does kick up a stink say your families kids were there and this is DB own niece why wouldn't she be there?!

MarshaBrady0 · 06/11/2017 08:43

Don’t presume, ask. What if she changed her mind and forgot she told you otherwise

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/11/2017 08:45

I think doing this (nicely) on the group chat is the best way to do this. Give her a chance to say plans have changed and of course children can now come!

Absolutely. Since the revelation that 'DD isn't invited because SIL finds her too hard to see' is actually just supposition, I think the car plan is a really bad one. I think SIL will see it as a deliberate attempt to act the martyr/show her up as what she might claim was an accident, and I think that could escalate things much further.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 06/11/2017 08:49

OP, I assume you aren't on the group chat but your brother is (given he's been showing you screenshots)? Could he not message something along the lines of 'I think DS (OP) still thinks it's adults-only so I'll let her know children can come now'.

That way SIL would have to write 'no, it's just your child not invited' in front of her own family. Hopefully they'd then say something.

I'm sure your SIL is hurting but it really is too much to exclude only your DD from the event. As others have noted, it's your DB's 40th, not hers.

I've been through years of miscarriages and it is horrendous but there is no excuse for the way your SIL is behaving.

Nousernameforme · 06/11/2017 08:54

Don't pop in to the party and say would love to stop but dp and dc are in the car and dc isn't invited as that is incredibly PA and would cause aggro between him and his wife and leave the party with a dreadful atmosphere.

Leave it don't go to any of the weekend and text your brother after the event and explain that you come as a package and if dc isn't invited then you can't attend either.