SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

How about a response on the group message to her asking if there is a misunderstanding, given that on that message it's clear that children are invited? At least if it's out in the open she may find it difficult to discriminate quite so blatantly.

And there are other parts to the weekend which are obviously adult only (brewery tour, paint balling(l) which we were invited to but won't be going to ( my partner is going to the paintballing ) so this is the only thing we can all go to as a family.

I think that the best option would be to do as another poster suggested just to pop in and have dp and did in the car and see what happens from there.

To be honest I think her family may find it odd that dad isn't there, they are a culture of very big families and would find it strange that my baby isn't there.

Go & take your baby with you. Your SIL has presumably managed not to commit any crimes or terrorise old ladies. She will have to extend that restraint to you & your baby, not choose you as the easiest target for her bad behaviour.

I would go and take your baby too . Clearly as there is a one month old baby there it's not just the baby thing is it . I would however let them know in advance that you will be bringing the baby and the main reason why ie the feeding . It sounds as though there will be plenty of other distractions there and she can , as in sure she will , distance herself from you .

After that I would definitely take baby along. What age will the exclusion end? Because eventually your kid is going to notice. Her behaviour needs nipping in the bud asap. She's bang out of order. Someone said up thread who has fertility issues it's not one baby you single out and can't see, it's ALL babies that are too painful to be around.
She's singling you out because she's beyond jealous and a bitch.

Can your brother who now doesnt want to go talk to the brother whose bday it is? Not to ruin the surprise but in a general way.

You definitely need to sort this sooner rather than later. Please dont allow yourself or dd to be excluded from anything at Christmas. You did nothing wrong having a baby and you shouldnt have to hide her away. I really hope it works out for you. The more I think about it, the more mean I thik your SIL is being.

I’d take your baby with you.

I understand that infertility is very hard but as someone else said, being a cow is a choice and why has your baby been singled out?

I think the pop in idea is the kindest and fairest one you can do, all things considered.

It can't be nice for her, but she's being really unfair to you and your DD - it would be different if no children were allowed, but it's only your DD that is excluded, and that's not right or fair.

Your brother must surely realise what is going on when he has to go out to the car to see his niece - and hopefully he will sort this out before Christmas. But, if he doesn't, do NOT back down at Christmas. If your SIL can't stand to see your DD at Christmas, then SHE is the one who should back out of the family gathering, not you and your DD. Christmas with small children is really special and it would be hugely unfair to deny your parents their first Christmas with a grandchild. She might be jealous as fuck that their first grandchild is yours and not hers, but she really does have to get over that as it's never going to change, whatever happens in future.

I really hope she manages to have her own baby though

"Bangs head off screen READ THE THREAD"

I have read the thread--what do you find so difficult about my post?

'Turn up at this time just you and partner as kids aren't invited ' but then in the group message where she has added all my other family and her family (talking about hotel block bookings and train pick ups for family further away) she explains that kids come and my brother has taken screen shots of this. So basically I would have just shown up at the event to see lots of other children.

This isn't quite what you initially said - SIL didn't specifically say not to bring DD because it's too hard for her. I'm sure youre right that that was her motivation and intent, but I think in this case there is room to contact her saying that you'll be bringing DD because other babies are going, whereas that would have been a very different (and more aggressive) thing to do if she'd told you that would upset her.

'Turn up at this time just you and partner as kids aren't invited ' but then in the group message where she has added all my other family and her family (talking about hotel block bookings and train pick ups for family further away) she explains that kids come and my brother has taken screen shots of this. So basically I would have just shown up at the event to see lots of other children.

So she's excluded you from a family group chat so she can tell you something different to everyone else and you'll show up to an unpleasant surprise? That's really, really unpleasant and manipulative. I'm not surprised your other brother is saying he won't go. I would be making sure all of your family know exactly what's gone on here.

I’m just wondering at what age will Sil be ok with seeing your baby without getting upset?

What happens at Christmas or if she turns up to find your there with baby will she walk out, seriously I think someone needs to have a chat with her, why is it ok for her niece and nephews to go but not your child, I’d be making it clear how affended you are.

That's really, really unpleasant and manipulative.

No, it's SiL who is being unpleasant and manipulative. Tell her you know other children are going and you expect to bring your baby or you just won't go. Explain to DB after the event.

She hasn't actually said those words

Other babies are going

Confirm you can take yours

So she's excluded you from a family group chat so she can tell you something different to everyone else and you'll show up to an unpleasant surprise?

I think this is reading a bit far into it - the separate chat is for people coming from far away. I actually wonder whether she initially wanted no children and so told OP that and then was put under pressure by her family to have theirs there. Which is why I'd contact her saying 'just wanted to check it's ok to bring DD since X and Y are bringing their babies?'. It at least gives her the chance to save face and pretend she forgot, etc.

I think the infertility is a red herring here. This is about you, not you as new parent as such. Is there something about your personal situation that she doesn’t approve of? That you’ve had a baby with a man you’re not married to (hard to believe but some people have very odd ideas)?

Maybe it is the first grandchild thing? I know my own BiL was surprisingly put out when DH and I had the first grandchild. I had no idea it was a thing until he had a moan at us about it. Didn’t turn nasty though.

The fact that there are other babies around that your SiL has no issues with and that she refused to talk to you while you were pregnant makes me think that there’s something else in play here, and that actually you’re supposed to know what that is.

*@YorkieDorkie thank you - that's kind. I still feel bad about those two incidents though. They were the only times I couldn't help myself. Both events coincided with particularly bad news and it was just too much. I cringe when I look back at the texts I sent to my friend saying I knew what she was going to tell me and I really couldn"t talk to her at the moment. I just knew I'd cry down the phone and then she'd feel bad at what should have been a happy time for her. She was very understanding but I still feel horrible that I couldn't share in her joy at that moment. I didn't ignore her baby though ' no matter how awful I felt I couldn't have done that.

No, it's SiL who is being unpleasant and manipulative.

Absolutely, @DressedCrab, that's what I meant.

but then in the group message where she has added all my other family and her family (talking about hotel block bookings and train pick ups for family further away) she explains that kids come and my brother has taken screen shots of this.

Why is your brother taking screenshots of a group chat to show you? Are you not in the group?

Can't your brother add you to the group chat and you can say-'looking forward to DB's do-I see children are invited now, just double checking that's ok as otherwise DH will have to wait in the car with the baby lol'

Or just bring the baby and act confused if she says anything and say, 'oh-but DB told me you've invited loads of other children so i didn't think it would be a problem!'

There are ways around this. I don't think your DH sitting in the car with the baby whist you go in alone is a good solution. You're basically letting her treat you like dirt.

Is there something about your personal situation that she doesn’t approve of? That you’ve had a baby with a man you’re not married to (hard to believe but some people have very odd ideas)?

I think it's almost certainly her age that makes SIL feel like her pregnancy is particularly unfair/galling - but in any case I don't see how knowing that helps OP? Assuming it's not something she's actively doing (like the friend of a friend who went on about how fertility treatment should be banned because it's 'natural selection', complete with comments about how her and her partner got pregnant immediately because they 'make good children' - unsurprisingly my infertile friend doesn't see her any more!) then knowing why doesn't seem to do much to solve the problem.

Feel for her but you cannot behave like this you just can't. The fact the other babies from her family are "allowed" makes it even worse.

I work with the terminally ill often with awful health conditions. She needs to deal with this - counselling or similar.

My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

But SIL hasn't said this to you, has she?

I got pregnant at the same time as a friend. I had a miscarriage, she thankfully is still pregnant.

I wonder if something similar has happened to SIL? Four years is a long time to be trying and she is undoubtably suffering.

At the same time, she is being unreasonable to exclude only your baby from a gathering.

So how to deal with it? I would say don’t go to the party. And afterwards, when dh is a little hurt that you weren’t there, is the time to have a sensitive sit down with him and a chat along the lines of ‘I wasn’t at your party because SIL specifically said our baby can’t come. I understand she is desperately sad about not having a child of her own. At the same time we cannot carry on with her projecting that into our child and excluding me and the child from family gatherings. That’s not healthy for anyone. Let’s talk about it - how can we manage this?’

Because she is being unfair. I get a twinge of sadness when my friend talks about her pregnancy but I am aware that being happy for her has no bearing or effect on my current situation.

Facebook message her and just ask politely if ur baby is not invited as you have noticed that other children have been invited. If she has the balls to confirm this say that you understand her pain and will keep baby in the car whilst you pop in. Also mention that you can also rope in ur mother to stand outside with the pram so you and ur dp can say happy birthday together. Then ask ur mum and dad to help. If she agrees to this, then I'm afraid she really does hate you. I would then also explain to anyone who does want to see the baby why she's there and to go out to the corridor. So you look understanding to her craziness. And it really is craziness! She clearly hates you though if she gets pregnant it may soften her attitude. But rope lots of people in to help so you don't look bad.

So how to deal with it? I would say don’t go to the party. And afterwards, when dh is a little hurt that you weren’t there, is the time to have a sensitive sit down with him and a chat along the lines of ‘I wasn’t at your party because SIL specifically said our baby can’t come. I understand she is desperately sad about not having a child of her own. At the same time we cannot carry on with her projecting that into our child and excluding me and the child from family gatherings. That’s not healthy for anyone. Let’s talk about it - how can we manage this?’

I think that you deciding not to go and in doing so, KNOWING that you will hurt your brother on his birthday would be really horrible! It's your brother and his 40th-it should be about him!