SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

Elizabeth Darcey you are projecting quite a lot here with your "twisted" aunt who assaulted a disabled baby she was jealous of.

We don't actually know what SIL said and to whom about who was invited and why OP's baby was specifically excluded because the OP hasn't answered the question.

So, again, the OP needs to try to talk to her SIL (without the baby in tow) and then work from there.

The baby doesn't give a shit either way - this is about the OP and her SIL.

I'm sorry but I agree that whilst every effort to be understanding and sympathetic should be made, the SIL cannot use her grief to be nasty. A good friend of mine left our company after several years and on her last day, amidst the celebrations I realised i was miscarrying. I can't begin to describe how devastated I was, truly gutwrenchingly sad, but I plasted on a smile and wished her the best them went home and balled my eyes out. Because despite my grief, that was her moment and she deserved to enjoy it. A few months later my sister announced she had miscarried, for the 3rd time just as I was about to announce my next pregnancy. But when I eventually told her she was over the moon for us. I have no doubt in my mind she was hurting, the same when our other sister fell pregnant and she still hadn't but she was happy for her too.
This is the op's first baby, should she really have to hide it away when apparently no one else does? Should she be told she isnt going to be spoken to and excluded from family events? She will never get this time back and should be able to have a fuss made of her too, just like I image the SIL will expect if it eventually happens for her. One persons feeling dont trump everyone elses no matter how hard life is being at that moment.

How did she issue the non-invitation if she is not speaking to you? Via a family member - what on earth was their reaction?

We don't actually know what SIL said and to whom about who was invited and why OP's baby was specifically excluded because the OP hasn't answered the question.

We know the bare facts, and people trying to understand more is like trying to understand why someone assaulted their partner. Yes there may have been surrounding issues but the action is not ok and digging into 'what caused it' validates it. Not projecting at all, by the way - that was all long before my time and I only heard about it many decades later - just pointing out that these things don't automatically fix themselves and end with a devoted auntie or even a tolerant one. The thinking itself is twisted. The baby is innocent - as is the OP who did nothing more than have a baby (like the others at the party with their babies did).

I would go, but I would 100% be taking my child with me. If other children are going, guess what, so is my child. She sounds like she needs to grow up.

nanny you have no idea really of what you are talking about having clearly not experienced fertility issues. Your attitude stinks tbh and makes infertility A LOT HARDER for those suffering. Not everyone finds it as easy to conceal their emotions the way your friend did ffs. Count yourself bloody lucky

The SIL is being an absolute bitch with you and trying to punish you for actually having a baby.

She does not have the right to behave like this towards you...refusing to talk to you whilst you are pregnant...WTF?!
She's 36 grown woman who is directing all her anger and hatred of her situation towards you and dd(an innocent baby ffs).

I'd just leave it be and not go at all. I think going for half an hour would be awkward. Explain to your brother why afterwards.

To those saying this has no impact on the baby, I disagree. Family events are moments where (in my experience) families bond, even more so than in one on one encounters.

Getting together to celebrate and make happy memories is very important and the adults in this child's life need to forge those memories and have those experiences with her from her infancy.

I believe the OP did say that besides the brother in question, the rest of the family live quite a distance away and so don't get to see her, DH and DD very often, which makes the above even more relevant.

I'm sorry it sounds like she doesn't want you around anyway so you don't really have anything to lose. Go and see your brother. Suggest you do what someone else suggested and leave your husband in the car with the baby, see your brother, he'll ask about the baby and once you tell him the baby is in the car and why it's in the car you can go from there. He might invite baby in. But don't miss your brothers birthday over her. I get that she is upset...but her actually acting on her feelings and everyone agreeing to her demands is just ridiculous.

I get the impression from some posters on mumsnet that infertility gives women the right to behave in as bitchy way as they want towards women who have had babies. It doesn’t. I know it’s really hard to plaster a smile on your face when your heart is breaking, but it isn’t the fault of the woman who’s had the baby, and she shouldn’t be made to feel guilty because of it.

Just go, and bring DD. Don't tell SIL. SIL has no right to leave her out when other children are invited. She is not the controller of the entire family who would love to see your DD there, especially your brother!

If SIL makes a scene about it, she'll only be showing herself up to be a massive cow.

In fact, if she has specifically said your daughter may not come I would tell her that as several young children and babies are attending, your DD will be also. And also hand her a grip.

I wouldn't go. Not even as per the car scenario. I think there are far too many chances of it all ending in tears. However, I would send my brother a loving message during the party saying "hope you have a great time, so sorry I couldn't come".

And then I would have a meeting with him later on, explain the situation and ask what you should do about further family occasions, as you can't keep excluding the baby forever. Just don't do it at the party, it's not the place to have a conversation like that. Retain moral high ground.

I know how hard it is when you have lost a baby and it seems like everyone else is pregnant or has a small baby you absolutely have to hold and coo over despite how much it hurts.

My own sister told me she was pregnant a day after I miscarried. She didn't know but knew about the issues I had had trying to conceive and my previous miscarriages. This baby was completely unplanned and I was so upset and angry, but knew it wasn't her fault. DH and I had decided on a name whilst we were trying to be positive in the hospital when I went in with bleeding. My sister called her baby that name and she was born early, meaning her birthday was the day after my due date. It was awful.

Everyone copes differently but I couldn't imagine ever excluding my niece or sister because of my issues. It's not her fault or my nieces that I miscarried.

I hope you get a chance to clear the air with your SIL. I'm sorry this is all so unfair for you and your daughter.

Where are your family staying for the weekend? I'm hopefully thinking they might stay in a hotel where you and baby could also stay and have some quality time with your family away from SIL and festivities.

If SIL is hurting so much from miscarrying recently, then surely a massive party is the last thing she'd want to organise? Why not just have a quiet celebration? It's like this is all being done out of jealousy and spite to specifically hurt the OP.

I think you need to speak to your sil op, tell her that you love her and your db very much and that you want her to be a part of your daughters life. Your dd is not going to go anywhere, she is already four months old and the baby stage flies by so quickly. You can't continue like this, you have Christmas, birthdays and family events forever more and you are not going to have your daughter miss out.

Would you consider asking your db and sil to be godparents op? I don't know if you are religious, but perhaps inviting your sil to share a special relationship with your dd would help mend wounds? I would try to meet up with sil several times before the party, it sounds like she has stuck her head in the sand around meeting your dd, and it is magnifying in her head. Perhaps arrange for nap time, then little one is sleeping in pram/ moses basket and you can chat about normal things, without focus being on your baby. Then just a short while with little one up depending on how your sil is coping. Then maybe more short visits, with your dh there to take lo into another room perhaps with db, if sil finds it hard.

I feel for your sil. I think though that if you don't contact sil, you contact db and say that you miss your sil and wish she was able to enjoy visits with your dd. Its been four months, it will be Christmas soon and you hate feeling like you have to pretend your dd doesn't exist. Tell db that as you bf you can't leave your lo and you don't want to lose your relationship with sil. She can't keep it up forever! Your lo is always going to be part of your family and you are not prepared to pretend she doesn't exist.

I don’t think it’s about the baby. I know when i was ttc for 8 years at the ripe old age of 30, it did upset me when ladies in their early 20s fell pregnant easily and often unplanned. It seemed unfair to me. Your sil is being a bit immature though to act on these feelings!

Just take your DD to the party. It's your SILs problem, not yours. You and your DD have every right to be there so don't give it another thought. I'm saying this as someone who went through years of infertility and miscarriages, but still managed to be happy for other new parents and even attend a christening the same week as one loss.

This has touched a nerve with me as a close family member chose to pretend I didn't exist when I finally did have a baby. They are only just starting to acknowledge me again nearly 3 years later as they're having their own baby now (my DC2 is 7 months old). Of course people should be sensitive to those they know are suffering infertility, but not to the extent of airbrushing you and your daughter out of family life.

I don’t doubt for one minute that your dd has been singled out.

However, have you sought clarification that your dd definitely isn’t invited?

The reason I’m asking is that she could easily turn this onto you. I understand your dds name was missed off the card. But she could easily say this was in error and then make you out to be a total bitch. So before you go, I’d be dropping her an email/text so that you have something in writing. She doesn’t need to respond. Just to have read what you wrote. Im just thinking she may be playing you to try and split your brother and you up. If she’s that irrationally upset with you, it’s feasible. You need to protect yourself.

I would tell her that you and your dp attend with the baby, or not at all. Preferably tell her with another relative there at your side, for witness of the conversation.

Is it your brothers infertility causing their issues? I have a similar experience where my brother was the”cause” of their infertility and SIL has shut down when it comes to his side of the family. 10 years on she’s seen my older brothers children a handful of times and mine she hasn’t acknowledged. It’s not personal to you it’s personal to her. She is unwell mentally and isn’t able to rationalise her behaviour. You can’t fight it. Don’t engage in her behaviour ask, speak to your brother. I’m sorry your family is going through this.

The invite was over Facebook message

'Turn up at this time just you and partner as kids aren't invited ' but then in the group message where she has added all my other family and her family (talking about hotel block bookings and train pick ups for family further away) she explains that kids come and my brother has taken screen shots of this. So basically I would have just shown up at the event to see lots of other children.

I have spoken to my father about all this and he has spoken to my brother many times but I think she is the overall decision maker and as I've said before he is not too able to understand some difficult situations.

I am torn for what to do, upsetting anyone is the last thing I want to do but f I don't confront the situation now where does it end? With Christmas coming up I don't want my brother or her for that matter feeling left out at family meals or parties.