Who was bu?

[Neoflex]

Today was at a couples birthing course. Paid privately, 2 days. 12 couples and two single women who then paired up.
Of the 12 couples was a lesbian couple (one pregnant and her partner). The partner complained pretty early on in the course because the midwife referred to the "dads" She requested that only birthing partner be used in the course because she felt excluded.
The midwife explained that the course was a couples course and the dads are the fathers of the children and they should feel more than just birthing partners. That they shouldn't feel excluded either.
The midwife continued to use dads for the whole day.
The lesbian partner spent the whole day huffing and rolling her eyes.
Her pregnant partner looked pretty overwhelmed by the whole experience.
Who was being unreasonable?

I think both were a bit unreasonable. The woman could have asked that the midwife say “dads and partners” rather than asking that the name dad not be used. The midwife could have agreed to this, or sugggested it as a compromise.

i think its horribl what th mw did

i hope they complain-what about the single mothrs aswell?

my bf had somthing lik this not a a lesbian but single-every appt it was is your husband coming no im single-never noted down always repeated

when i went to visit they said i couldnt come in coz i wasnt her partnershe literally had noone else there- its so backwards

Sneezy?! Sneery!

Also my husband will be my birthing partner and I think it would be completely appropriate to refer to him as such in the context of a birthing class.

A friend of mine suffered something similar years ago - she was a widow who's husband had died while she was pregnant. She took her sister along on a birthing course as her partner. I would have hoped things would have changed by now.

Oh and in our group all other couples were male/female, a mix of married and unmarried. Nobody objected to the term partner instead of dad or husband!

Midwife was being unreasonable. And I'm sure that her boss would agree, because a) it's 2017 and b) the 'lesbian partner' was paying for the course i.e. A customer, and the customer is always right.

Midwife was 100% unreasonable.

Nothing at all wrong with the word 'Partners' instead.

If she genuinely felt the Fathers would feel devalued at not having their titles used then she should have understood why the lady's female partner felt equally excluded.

I'd be pissed off too. Especially if I've paid for the privilege.

I don’t see why the MW couldn’t just use partner (whether in reference to birth partner or life partner). It is inclusive of everyone and cannot surely offend anyone?

I’d struggle to sit through 8 hours of huffing and dad-ism without saying something to the midwife. Given that the atmosphere is already strained, could you not say something, politely, at the start of the session Re the midwife using the term partner to include all? If all of the attendees agree what could the mw do?

Partners is appropriate given the make up of the group. Also the group was about childbirth which should be about the Mum, not the Mum and Dad. Birth partners might not even be the Dad.

It's a shame nobody else in the group spoke up for this woman, it took a lot of guts for her to raise the issue in a room full of people.

As I said, personally I am not keen on the word partner. Its up to everyone else what they prefer.

I also prefer Dad/ father over partner/ birthing - it was a couples course so I cant see the problem. A singles course would be different, but on a couples course I would expect an emphasis on the couple bonding aspect. It depends how it is advertised I suppose as to exactly what to expect.

If the lesbian lady gets to state a preference, then others should have preference respected.

But I think the midwife was very rude and offensive and it is the ultimate in laziness if the she cannot just say 'Dads and birthing partner' if the lesbian parent was happy with that. It is not difficult.

Sounds like the midwife had a not so hidden prejudice to me.

I’ll add, in my first pregnancy almost twenty years ago, I was a single mother. I didn’t attend one of these courses for exactly this sort of reason - because I didn’t want to be seen or feel like ‘less than’ the traditional parents. It’s a shame to see that we’ve not moved on all that much in the last two decades.

way to make those 2 single women welcome

And yet they chose to sign up to a COUPLES course.

Partner is factually correct for all. To call a woman Dad is not factually correct. In fact it’s daft.
Therefore, midwife WBU.

It was for couples. Not mums and dads.

ohreally there are other courses to choose from. If you wanted to learn about birth alone you could have chosen a more suitable course for less money.

It was advertised as a course for couples.

I would have happily been there with my mum or a friend if I didn't have a dh though (based on the course description). However I would also be upset if I didn't have the father involved, had a friend with me, and she felt excluded by something so simple.

I have no idea why it was so hard to say partner. Maybe the midwife felt confronted and then stubbornly decided to stick to her guns. Maybe in the meantime the couple will decide to spend their time elsewhere.

but on a couples course I would expect an emphasis on the couple bonding aspect

Why? A lesbian couple can be just as bonding as a heterosexual club.

The fact they've made a commitment to raise a child together is a big clue there.

but on a couples course I would expect an emphasis on the couple bonding aspect.

Do you understand that a couple can be two women?

@kinkajoukid Your argument doesn’t work. The lesbian couple are a couple, so they’re perfectly entitled to be on a couples’ course. Besides, being a dad doesn’t necessarily mean you’re part of a couple.

Plus I’m not sure why it’s not okay for the dads to be called partners but okay for the non-birthing mum within the lesbian couple to be called a partner.

Partner would be the most sensible catch-all in every situation.

We had all mixed sex but not everyone was married. If the comment was made by the lesbian couple the least the midwife could have done is accommodate it to make them feel welcome in a presumably uncomfortable situation.

Kinkajoukid yes, it was a couples course - but surely the same sex couple are no less a couple and no less worthy than the heterosexual couples? Why should a dad be specifically acknowledged, but the same sex parent be relegated to birth partner?

I am a gobby bint and I would not have been happy that the lesbians were treated like that.

As someone else has said it is part of her job to accept all different forms of families. It is certainly not her job to decide who is worthy of the title parent.

Another vote for the midwife being unreasonable. It isn't about being 'politically correct' either, just inclusive of the paying customers.

Maybe for those saying they don't like the term partner...
It was like the woman was not even in the room. Like she was ignored out of existence.
There was a moment before the break where the midwife asked the men to use a separate toilet down the hall from the pregnant ladies so we wouldn't have to wait. And she asked "where am I supposed to go then?" And the midwife just ignored the question.
So it was an unnecessarily difficult atmosphere that could have been avoided by one word.