Who was bu?

[Neoflex]

Today was at a couples birthing course. Paid privately, 2 days. 12 couples and two single women who then paired up.
Of the 12 couples was a lesbian couple (one pregnant and her partner). The partner complained pretty early on in the course because the midwife referred to the "dads" She requested that only birthing partner be used in the course because she felt excluded.
The midwife explained that the course was a couples course and the dads are the fathers of the children and they should feel more than just birthing partners. That they shouldn't feel excluded either.
The midwife continued to use dads for the whole day.
The lesbian partner spent the whole day huffing and rolling her eyes.
Her pregnant partner looked pretty overwhelmed by the whole experience.
Who was being unreasonable?

Non gestational carriers.

I'm not being silly. Given the MW's attitude to the woman, specifically allocating toilets to Dads and pregnant women strikes me as another deliberate exclusion.

Ever been in one of those situations where someone was monumentally rude to you, and you wished you'd said something, but you're too scared, you're the only one that knows that what is happening is batshit, the only one to have the balls to say something but all the other people in the room might turn on you? But then you know if you don't say anything it'll eat away at you. But by the time you gather up the courage to say something, you say something either stupid/possibly passive aggressive/just trying to say something without bursting into tears?

Sounds like that's what happened in the OPs situation. Many things can be worded better but not in the heat of the moment. Alas, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I think partner would be the appropriate term to use. Midwife sounds unpleasant. It would be kind if your husband said something like that.

Our antenatal course was 9 couples - 8 men and pregnant ladies plus one lesbian couple. The course leader always used ‘partners’ when differentiating. Occasionally she forgot and said dads but would quickly realise and say ‘or partners’ or sometimes ‘mama’ (the name the couple has chosen for non pregnant woman). If the group split she usually went with the men as she would be in the supporting role as birth partner. Everyone was included and everyone felt comfortable.
OP I think the couple would feel more welcome if you raised it at the next session, if the MW refuses to change I would make a complaint.

I hope the lesbian couple complain and I hope you do too, OP, though it sounds as though your DP's plan will hopefully make the point.

My DP would be perfectly happy to be called a partner, he's not so insecure that he thinks the validity or importance of our relationship is defined by how others describe it. And he'd much rather a neutral term be used over one that explicitly excludes other members of the group, especially since it was specifically requested and the request ignored. The group leader should not be running courses like this until she understands and rejects her own prejudices.

That midwife needs reporting, that attitude is shocking!

Even if you ignore that her behaviour is homophobic and take that fact out of the equation, she is still deliberately excluding multiple members of the group (both the lesbian couple and the single ladies who paired up) by refusing to swap a very specific word that excludes them (dad) to a more general word that would include them (partner).

When I was pregnant with DD my Ex and I went to a similar course that had a mix of couples (both hetero and homosexual) - some married, some not - as well as some people there with a friend or family member, and one woman was there with her new partner who wasn't the biological father.

During our course the midwife was more than happy to refer to the "mother" and "partner" because that covered everyone, in every "pairing" within the group. She was very keen to ensure nobody was excluded because she wanted the focus to be on the pregnant ladies and doing everything to support them, including ensuring that their partner felt included and comfortable.

dont say u dont mind say u would prefer the term partner or sh'll just fob it off

Is the MW nuts?! She should use partner or parent to describe the none pregnant woman. A lesbian is just as much part of a couple as hetrosexual couple. So what if babys not biologically hers. Maybe the "dad" is a stepdad. I wonder how the midwife would react if the woman was a surogate and the babies parents came with her.

The midwife WBU 'birthing partner' would be the right term.

How horrible for those poor women.

Didn’t any of you speak up on their behalf?

Martha agree with what you say, however non pregnant mother could still be the biological parent. I was pregnant with my wife's baby!

Just another permutation of parenting

Hope the lesbian couple move to Brighton, they wouldn’t have to deal with that shit here.

Sounds like person running the course was BU.

The midwife. Myself & my wife (same set couple) attended ante natal classes when I was pregnant. “Dads” was the terminology used most of the way through until she realised that she was not only talking to male/female couples, sane sexual couples but single women who were there with their mums & sisters. She switched to “partners and birthing partners”. Might not seem like a big deal to some, but it is when you battle with it every day.

I always refer to my DH as my partner. Firstly, because he is my partner, my life partner. We share our lives together so it’s a very fitting description. Secondly, because I always find it funny to watch people try and figure out if I’m with a man or a woman (only works if he isn’t there obvs) and then watch them try to get me to say ‘he’ or ‘she’ throughout the rest of the conversation. I recommend this btw, it’s very amusing to watch the secret homophob’s squirm because they don’t know whether they should be outraged or not.

The midwife was being V unreasonable. I have a friend who was the female partner of the mum to be and she was treated abominably throughout, especially at the birth, which was long and drawn out and they really didn’t need the extra stress. Extra training is surely needed. It’s not 1950 any more.

Bloody auto correct same sex not sane sexual ffs

And not same set either

Oh and midwife was being very unreasonable.
A ‘partner’ can be in any form; man, woman, female/male-non-sexual-life-partner etc.
There are so many different types of family now, why be exclusive because you’re stuck in 1950’s? I’m surprised she didn’t tell all the men to go stand outside with a cigar to practice for the big day

It sounds like she was making the point of asking which toilet she would use given the midwife was refusing to validate her as a gender either way, or any sort ot human being really by the sounds of it

This is bordering on ridiculous now. She needs a midwife to vaidate her own gender? She couldn't just use the toilet that the other ladies were using without causing a fuss over nothing?

Openthepickles, I’m afraid I don’t. Was she meant to use the same one as the pregnant ladies

Seriously? Well where else was she thinking of using and for what reason?

This is bordering on ridiculous now. She needs a midwife to vaidate her own gender? She couldn't just use the toilet that the other ladies were using without causing a fuss over nothing?

Don't be so facetious Open you knew exactly what I meant.

Are you the MW per chance?

Don't be so facetious Open you knew exactly what I meant

Ha, don't think so. You are being utterly ridiculous. Tell me one reason why she wouldn't/couldn't use the same toilets as the other women? She asked because she was wanted to draw attention to herself and make something out of nothing.