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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset friends didn't invite me out?

182 replies

Ilovecoleslaw · 04/11/2017 17:41

Gone shopping with my two best friends today which has been planned for a while.
Everything was going fine, normal chit chat until friend 1 mentions she went out last night and that she met a guy. Later on I ask about the guy and whether she took him home to which she said 'No, friend 2 was the only one in my bed last night.' And then says whoops and looks at friend 2.
I say thanks for the invite, where friend 2 doesn't mutter a word and friend 1 says 'well you were driving today'.
Now I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable in being upset over it. There's never been a time that I know of where one the three of us hasnt been invited out if the others were. They both knew I was free last night but clearly didn't want me to join them, which I feel really upset about.
The day shopping hasn't felt like we've been together at all. When I've wanted to go into any shops, they've gone into separate ones together, which I'd also wanted to go into, and said for me to go into the ones I want on my own.
I've had problems with both of them in the past and this has really got to me. Problems being friend 1 telling my now partner I was raped before I told him. Friend 2 telling me to get over my miscarriage and hers was worse because hers looked like a baby and mine supposedly didn't.
I really don't have a problem with them doing things together without me, they often go for coffees together etc, but it feels strange that we all planned today together but they didn't want to invite me out last night.
Please give me some advice mumnetters :(

OP posts:
Consideringbeingamom · 05/11/2017 21:46

Not your fault, you're not over reacting at all. You deserve better. They sound like users and the bed thing, surely that was a hint that they're more than friends? They are treating you like their taxi driver probably to show off to each other. Honestly there will be thousands of nicer people for you to socialise with. All the best Flowers

Original poster
Ilovecoleslaw · 05/11/2017 21:48

I did ask about the night before. Friend 2 said friend 1 didn't invite me because I was driving yesterday and friend 2 didn't invite me because it wasn't her place to

OP posts:
Breadwithgarlicon · 05/11/2017 21:48

I have a problem with anyone who, on hearing how you feel, tells you you're being ridiculous.

Breadwithgarlicon · 05/11/2017 21:50

I also have a problem with their reason for not inviting you. You're not employed as their personal chauffeur!!

ButterfliesandMoths · 05/11/2017 21:52

No friends are better than these friends. Are there any groups/clubs at work you could join? You need new friends, you are worth so much more than this.

BMW6 · 05/11/2017 21:54

It's really really not you OP - it's them. Friends don't treat friends like this.

DamsonGin · 05/11/2017 21:59

Normal response from proper friends: Sorry, we didn't mean to make you feel left out and shit about it all, do you fancy heading out next weekend, we'll go to your favourite bar.

Their response: It's all your fault, no fault on our part at all cos were just so perfect but will ultimately end up friendless withered hags la la la.

You need to ditch the latter and find the former. They are out there and you sound nice so you will find them.

reachforthestarseveryday · 05/11/2017 22:12

Sounds like they're using you, op.

I hope you drive off and left them today.

If you drove for a couple of hours, did they pay for petrol?

They don't sound like lovely friends...

overnightangel · 05/11/2017 22:12

What @DamsonGin said

Breadwithgarlicon · 05/11/2017 22:13

Normal response from proper friends: Sorry, we didn't mean to make you feel left out and shit about it all, do you fancy heading out next weekend, we'll go to your favourite bar.

^^ Completely agree.

ohfourfoxache · 05/11/2017 22:32

It’s not you, it’s them. They are not your friends.

browneyes77 · 05/11/2017 22:34

Firstly, whether you are driving or not, it’s no excuse not to invite you. You may well have said “No, better not I’m driving tomorrow, but have a good night”. They don’t know, they just made the decision for you because they didn’t want to lose their lift to go shopping in case you were too hungover to drive.

Secondly, why is it Friend 2’s ‘place’ to invite you? They both went out, they’re both your friends, why does it make a difference who invites you? Who died and made Friend 1 the Invite God?

I don’t think you’re massively reacting at all. They absolutely could’ve invited you to go out with them. I don’t really go out these days (40 years old and the whole clubbing novelty has long work off!) but when I did, my friends would never dream of not inviting me. In fact, even if I told them no because I was skint, they’d offer to lend me money just so I could go out with them! They would never just assume I couldn’t/wouldn’t go. And I was the same with my friends.

They don’t sound like great friends from what you’ve said. They sound like users. But I understand it can be daunting to just cut friends out of your life like that. So maybe start to try and meet new people and make new friends as others have suggested and then phase them out that way. Then you can go out with your new friends and not invite them instead Grin

Awhoosh · 06/11/2017 00:26

So sorry OP. They really don't sound like good friends. Very hard to ditch them when you don't have many other friends but as other people have said, having friends who make you feel bad is pretty much worse than not having friends. I hope you can find some new people to hang out with who deserve you more than them.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 06/11/2017 07:08

So you're good enough ti ferry them around, but not good enough to take on the night out?

From her reaction, sorry OP, but it looks like she's looking for an out of the friendship, and using the opportunity to not only get one, but to make you think it's your fault!

Once you ditch these two utter benks, you'll hopefully regain some of the confidence that they have zapped, and use it to make new friends.

I've been there.

🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

pontypandypenny · 06/11/2017 07:23

These ‘women’ sound appalling! You have many red flags that these people are really not your friends, the more time you spend away from these two is time well spent, on gaining your confidence and giving yourself opportunities to meet new people who will treasure you for being just you. Good luck Flowers

LaContessaDiPlump · 06/11/2017 07:43

Ouch. OP, they are not your friends.

Tempting as it might be to tell them to FO, I have a more cunning strategy. Respond to her most recent message with something like 'Oh, ok, I think I understand now' (so not apologising but also non-committal). Then never, ever, ever drive them anywhere again. Always be busy.

They will know it's down to this occasion, but won't be able to specifically point at anything mean you said or did, or show 'bitchy' texts to other friends as evidence, or anything like that. The lack of evidence of you behaving badly will irritate them so very much. It will be delicious, and you will look as faultless as you actually are (because you've done nothing wrong, honestly you haven't).

But you'd be entitled to feel shitty for a bit Flowers

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 06/11/2017 07:52

LaContessa I like your style! 😅

wobblywonderwoman · 06/11/2017 08:06

Friend two - yes it was nice of her to text but it is obvious they use you a bit. Handy to have you drive them shopping but not good enough to go on a night out.

No, I'd leave them to it.

JanKind · 06/11/2017 10:02

Stuff em. Sound very immature. Find some grown ups to play with.

CantGetDecentNickname · 06/11/2017 10:50

You seem a decent person whose confidence has been undermined by those two to the point where they think they can convince you that their behaviour is your fault and that you will put up with it as you “need” them for friends. You don’t. Never be afraid of your own company or to start something like joining a club or a new activity by yourself as you will soon make new friends. Put a big smile on your face and you will automatically look approachable to others even if you don’t feel confident to start with. Good luck Flowers

Mommasoph30 · 06/11/2017 12:37

make new friends.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/11/2017 12:41

I've seen your latest update OP and I would feel that I would have to reply (unfortunately, which is not the path of least resistance).
My reply would be something like this to both of them:
"Hi friends, I'm even more confused and upset as to why I wasn't included in the invite night out on X date. As I understand it, Friend 2 said Friend 1 didn't invite me because I was doing the driving yesterday.
You are both aware that there are soft drinks available and, if push came to shove, and I did want to have an alcoholic drink or two, there are also taxis and busses??
As for friend 2 didn't invite me because it wasn't her place to, aren't we all supposed to be friends together? Does it matter who would invite who? I feel very hurt and upset by how I have been treated recently, I feel more like a chauffeur than your friend. I don't treat either of you like this"

stopdragginmyheartaround · 06/11/2017 12:44

These are not friends.

SummatFishyEre · 06/11/2017 12:45

They didn't invite you because they didn't want you there. It's as simple as that

Abbylee · 06/11/2017 13:02

Drop them. They are not your friends. Perhaps they are closer than regular gf's, but it doesn't matter.

They are cruel, busybody and truly do not have common decency. Nobody who is friend material compares grief or tells private info.

Make better choices in friends; like the opposite of these 2.