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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to risk my own health for a 4th child?

131 replies

TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 15:53

Is it unreasonable to risk your own health to have another baby when you have older kids who need you to be fit and healthy?

I expect the answer is yes and yet I am finding it so hard to convince myself it’s not worth the risk.

After my 3rd I had some stress incontinence and underwent a surgery called TVT. It was successful. However recently the Press has been full of coverage of law suits from women who had TVT and were left with a life time of pain and disability. They say the scandal is bigger than thalidomide. I saw my OBGYN who advised me not to risk pregnancy as it could erode my TVT and then I could be one of the women suffering. That could in fact happen at anytime anyway, but pregnancy increases the risk.

But I’m so broody. DH and I both just lost our mothers and both would really like to add to our family. We can afford it, our other children want a sibling. If it wasn’t for the surgery there would be no doubt in my mind.

So would I be unreasonable to take the risk?

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 04/11/2017 15:54

Absolutely not! You need to think of your existing children.

SenoritaViva · 04/11/2017 15:56

No I would not, I'd think of the children I already have.

LindyHemming · 04/11/2017 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/11/2017 15:58

DH and I both just lost our mothers and both would really like to add to our family.

Sorry for your loss. Bereavement is not a good reason and it's not a good time to make this decision.

Haggisfish · 04/11/2017 15:58

Surely, havin g just lost your own mothers makes you realise how bereft your own children would be if anything happened to you? I'll always be broody for another one, but I have two healthy and happy children and I just do f think my own selfish benefits would put weight the many other risks and disadvantages to my other dc.

OnionShite · 04/11/2017 15:58

I'm sorry about your mums. Don't make a massive decision like this in the fog of grief.

PinkHeart5914 · 04/11/2017 15:59

Yes I think it’s unreasonable to risk your own health to have a 4th child when you already have 3.

If you had no children I could understand why you’d consider risking it if baby was all you wanted but you have 3 living children and them & your health should be your priority not a 4th baby.

lljkk · 04/11/2017 15:59

You know the answer already.

Could you express your maternal desires in another way? Foster maybe?

sayyouwill · 04/11/2017 16:01

Following the loss of your mother’s, would it not be a better idea to add to your family by increasing its quality rather than its quantity?
By that I mean, more time spent as a family unit, create warm, loving memories for your children and partner, enjoying every moment together and ensuring your children know how loved and valued they are so that one day, when the inevitable happens, they will look back and think about how much you gave them and how much you loved them.
If you went ahead and something did happen to you, think how that would affect your family.

SaucyJack · 04/11/2017 16:01

Nah, don't do it.

It's a big risk to take when you already have three (presumably?) lovely children.

Enjoy the life you have.

talkshowhost97 · 04/11/2017 16:03

Adding another voice to the unanimous response so far. Yes, you would be incredibly foolish to risk your health. Your 3 children need you. Find another way to channel your broodiness, that is just not a risk worth taking for you and especially your family.

SandSnakeofDorne · 04/11/2017 16:04

I would risk dying or serious illness if I had another. So I won't, because my existing kids matter more than my desire for another snuggly newborn. But it's still a strange adjustment, thinking that this is definitely it and there won't be any more children. So I sympathise but think you just need to find a way to get used to the idea of no more.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/11/2017 16:05

No.
Do all three of your children really want another sibling?
Or have you put the idea in their heads and they're ok with it?

bottlesandcans · 04/11/2017 16:06

don't be so selfish

flumpybear · 04/11/2017 16:12

Personally I wouldn’t - you feel bad losing your own mum, imagine how young children would feel - a girl at school lost her dad in the senior school, 30 years later she’s still in pain that she missed so many years - don’t do it -I realise that it’s just more of a pain thing but you can die in surgery but also you’d miss out so much if you were in constant pain

Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 16:14

I know you are all right. I just find it exceedingly hard to put the idea to bed permanently. I feel very sad whenever I try and live with the idea that the baby days are over. It also makes me feel really old.

My eldest is 11 and already v independent. It’s making me acutely aware of how quickly they grow up and move on. I never thought it would go this quickly. Having kids has brought the happiest days of my life and I don’t want them to be over any time soon. I feel almost panicky at the thought.

But I do know you are all right. That’s sort of why i started the thread.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 04/11/2017 16:15

Don't do it OP. Think about adoption or fostering instead.

sinceyouask · 04/11/2017 16:17

If there is room in your family and your heart for another child, but pregnancy poses unacceptable risks, there are other options.

gingerh4ir · 04/11/2017 16:18

sorry for your loss. Flowers

but I agree with PP. I'd consider 4 DC unreasonable in any case but even more so in your situation.

It is not just the risk to your own health. Any child could have potential complex SN (I have a DD which was only diagnosed postnatally). Even if the pregnancy would not affect you, how would a severely disabled child impact on you, DH and your other children?

you have 3 healthy DC. be grateful for what you have got. there is more to bringing a child into this world than just being broody.

Chrys2017 · 04/11/2017 16:18

If you need something to snuggle get a cat.
Three children is enough for one family just on principled grounds.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 04/11/2017 16:20

They may like the idea of a sibling but the reality is very different usually.

Health is not something to risk, it would have not just an impact on you but the children and your partner.

What happens when the bloodiness comes back? Three children didn't cure it so why would a fourth?

ppeatfruit · 04/11/2017 16:20

Have you got a friend or relative with a newborn? See if you can look after one for day, it's not all snuggles as you well know but seem to have forgotten Grin

Not only could you be ill , you might also have a difficult baby and regret it bitterly.

minipie · 04/11/2017 16:20

Regardless of the health issue, missing the baby days is not a good reason to have another child.

You're talking as if your days as a mother are going to be over soon - that's nonsense! Your children will still need you their whole life, even when they are too big to sit on your lap, they will still be your children. It's just a different sort of mothering.

How about figuring out what it is about the baby days you are missing and try to find that another way? Many people get a puppy about this time

Lokisglowstickofdestiny · 04/11/2017 16:21

Why don't you consider fostering or adoption? There are too many people already on this planet and many children needing a home.

Oly5 · 04/11/2017 16:22

Hang on, you’re not going to die from having another baby and the TVT going wrong.. but you could end up with permanent incontinence. Only you knows if that risk is worth it.
For me, I wouldn’t want to take the risk