Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to risk my own health for a 4th child?

131 replies

TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 15:53

Is it unreasonable to risk your own health to have another baby when you have older kids who need you to be fit and healthy?

I expect the answer is yes and yet I am finding it so hard to convince myself it’s not worth the risk.

After my 3rd I had some stress incontinence and underwent a surgery called TVT. It was successful. However recently the Press has been full of coverage of law suits from women who had TVT and were left with a life time of pain and disability. They say the scandal is bigger than thalidomide. I saw my OBGYN who advised me not to risk pregnancy as it could erode my TVT and then I could be one of the women suffering. That could in fact happen at anytime anyway, but pregnancy increases the risk.

But I’m so broody. DH and I both just lost our mothers and both would really like to add to our family. We can afford it, our other children want a sibling. If it wasn’t for the surgery there would be no doubt in my mind.

So would I be unreasonable to take the risk?

OP posts:
KatyS36 · 04/11/2017 17:12

hello,

I've got one lovely dd, can't have another (secondary infertility).

Whilst I was heartbroken at not having another baby, it helped by remembering that said baby wouldn't be a baby forever, ie the baby days will be over at some point no matter how many you have.

Hugs,
Katy

roundaboutthetown · 04/11/2017 17:14

You disliked being incontinent enough before that you risked a major operation to correct it, OP. Why now risk incurable incontinence and lifelong pain? It's ridiculous to contemplate it, to be brutally honest.

DistanceCall · 04/11/2017 17:22

You'd be insane to have another child.

As PPs have said, babies grow up fairly quickly. And broodiness (particularly when mingled with grief) is really not a good reason to have children.

You have three lovely children and a husband who loves you. Enjoy your life. It's not all about babies.

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 04/11/2017 17:27

Having a fourth child won't make you look or feel any younger.
it'll age you, if it goes wrong.

And its your DH and DCs who will have to lift and carry you, should it all go tits up on your fourth pregnancy.
You'll get your baby if that what you really want, but its a huge risk and a bit selfish really.
Will 3 kids not do you?

hopsalong · 04/11/2017 17:31

Could you get a second opinion? Like most posters I think it’s probably a bad idea to have another, but presumably the risks of things going wrong with the TVT are very individual — eg perhaps your third pregnancy was unusual because of a very large baby/ polyhydramnios/ going overdates, and if you had an elective c-section before 40 weeks the risk could be reduced? I would get as much information as possible and then leave the whole issue alone while you grieve, and plan on revisiting it next year.

BlackBanana · 04/11/2017 17:36

OP, I'd probably have another, and take the opportunity to get rid of the mesh and get a proper repair done.
2 birds, one bouncing baby stone Wink

isadoradancing123 · 04/11/2017 17:39

You have just lost your mum, so you know how that feels, why would you even consider leaving your three children without a mum

Fuckoffee · 04/11/2017 17:51

I personally would prefer to be in good health for the kids I have. They deserve the best you can give. It sounds as though you are clinging onto the thought of having another baby as a sort of panacea to the grief you are going through. Get through the grieving process and then rethink. A baby won't fix your grief, it will just push it to one side until later.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/11/2017 17:55

Your children adore babies?
Seriously?
You said up thread they'd all like another sibling, for what? What are their current siblings not giving them and what are you doing about that, and now they adore dollies babies?
I'm aware broodiness is a real thing, I accept this must be difficult for you, but you must remember you are a mother, not a baby making machine.

Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 18:05

IHaveBrillo - I am more than aware that I’m not a baby making machine. I have a pretty balanced life with a successful career and friends and a sport I’m passionate about. My children lack nothing from their current siblings but they have baby cousins who they adore and they always say they wish we had another baby like their cousins. They aren’t desperate (unlike me!) but they do often remark how much they like babies and when we very occasionally take my 9 month old niece overnight they are made up.

OP posts:
OnionShite · 04/11/2017 18:07

You don't need to put the idea to bed permanently now though, do you? Not if you're only in your 30s and have previously been fertile- even if you're 39, that should still give you at least a few months to clear your head a bit.

I don't personally think it would be a good idea to TTC in your circumstances even without the bereavements, but given that you've just lost your mum, why not think of it as parking the question for 6 months?

Sometimes when we are upset or going through trauma we hit on something to make us feel better and feel that we have to do it immediately. Which is not the case here.

Twitchingdog · 04/11/2017 18:09

Remember you will not child benefit or tax credits for your next child . Can you afford another.

PookieSnackenberger · 04/11/2017 18:10

Don't do it. I have 4, no health problems at all, and found the jump from 3 to 4 very difficult. You do have to think about your existing children as time and energy are finite resources.

Ttbb · 04/11/2017 18:16

There are other ways to expand your family. Don't do it OP.

brrrfreeezy · 04/11/2017 18:17

I wouldn’t do it - are there good repair options for the mesh of it all goes wrong? A lifetime of pain and disability with 4 dc isn’t a risk I’d take personally

BabyDreams2018 · 04/11/2017 18:22

Is surrogacy an option you've considered? You would get your baby but not risk your health. Definitely not worth getting pregnant yourself and risking leaving your Husband and children without you. Being in your 30's and having to live with the long term effects of this illness the rest of your life would be a huge undertaking especially if you were incapacitated. It is a very high price to pay.

pret · 04/11/2017 18:55

I got a puppy when I was broody. It worked well and was bloody hard work.

Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 18:58

Twitchingdog - as I said in my OP we can afford it. We have never claimed child benefit or tax credits for any of our kids.

Surrogacy would be amazing but seems a bit mad given we have three. But maybe no madder than considering making myself ill through a 4th pregnancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 18:59

Pret - puppies sound like all the hard work of babies with few of the benefits!!!

OP posts:
Thinkingofausername1 · 04/11/2017 19:05

No. Your blessed with what you have.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/11/2017 19:05

Do your current children who love babies realise that babies grow up?

Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 19:16

Yes Brillo they do. We want another baby then toddler then child. We like the idea of a big family. We like the warmth and bustle and comraderie of it all. We aren’t idiots who think we will have some Peter Pan type baby who doesn’t age.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 04/11/2017 19:27

But what happens as the fourth child starts to grow up?

Do you think your feelings of being old, wanting them not to grow up so fast etc are going to disappear? Or will you be just in the same position you are now, but possibly with life limiting injuries?

I bet if you asked your kids whether they would rather a heathy mum or a new sibling, they would rather the former.

Bearfrills · 04/11/2017 19:32

You're getting a bit of an uncalled for rough ride here, OP Wine

I have four DC. Back when we had two DC we debated having a third, decided to go for it and we were happy we did but that was it, we were sticking at three. DC4 was a complete accident and while I love her very much, my god she nearly broke me.

I had HG and started throwing up a few days before my missed period was even due, I thought the DC had given me a sick bug. The sickness continued until seven months in, stopped for a month, and then came back in the ninth month until she was born. I only gained 7lb and she weighed more than that. I had to take anti-sickness meds four times a day. I also had acid reflux that required daily medication at a strength normally given to people with stomach ulcers. At 36wks DD turned transverse (sideways) and I was admitted to hospital. I was allowed home after three days but was on bedrest until delivery as I had to minimise the chances of going into labour. I had a caesarean section at 38wks which all went well but at five days postdelivery I became unwell with labour pains, shivering, chills (I've never felt so cold), a complete aversion to food/drink, and started vomiting up pure bile. Ambulances to hospital and I had sepsis. DD for her part had dropped from 8lb 15oz to 7lb 4oz in the space of five days and was severely jaundiced so she came in the ambulance too. When we finally got home (a week later) I'd been home all of two days when I had a secondary PPH, blood all over the bathroom, so back we went. DD then had to go into a pavlik harness for DDH so we had to go for weekly hospital apppintments to get it adjusted/checked and she'll be on 6m reviews until she's 5yo.

I wouldn't send her back and I don't regret having her but if I'd known in advance that it would be the longest, sickest year of my life and that I'd come fairly close to dying, I don't know if I'd have gone through with it.

SuperBeagle · 04/11/2017 19:38

You can't just keep having children because you like the baby and toddler stage. That's the sort of tone I'm getting from your posts (sad that you have an 11 year old, sad that they grow up, didn't think it'd happen this fast etc).

That aside, of course it'd be selfish and irresponsible to have a fourth child knowing the possible consequences.

Swipe left for the next trending thread