to risk my own health for a 4th child?

[TVTregrets]

Is it unreasonable to risk your own health to have another baby when you have older kids who need you to be fit and healthy?

I expect the answer is yes and yet I am finding it so hard to convince myself it’s not worth the risk.

After my 3rd I had some stress incontinence and underwent a surgery called TVT. It was successful. However recently the Press has been full of coverage of law suits from women who had TVT and were left with a life time of pain and disability. They say the scandal is bigger than thalidomide. I saw my OBGYN who advised me not to risk pregnancy as it could erode my TVT and then I could be one of the women suffering. That could in fact happen at anytime anyway, but pregnancy increases the risk.

But I’m so broody. DH and I both just lost our mothers and both would really like to add to our family. We can afford it, our other children want a sibling. If it wasn’t for the surgery there would be no doubt in my mind.

So would I be unreasonable to take the risk?

I didn’t say I was sad that I have an 11 year old, I bloody adore having an 11 year old, it’s a fantastic age, she’s funny, interesting and a joy to watch grow.

What I said was that I’m sad she got this age so quickly. I imagined the young child years would feel longer. They zoomed past. And as I watch her turn her focus outward towards friends and her own life path I am proud she has the confidence she does but I am sad that she’s just beginning to grow away from us. I want more of these years I have enjoyed so much. They have been the happiest of my life. I don’t doubt I will enjoy the teenage years and adult years too but that doesn’t mean I won’t miss these times.

No, I wouldn’t try for a fourth if I were you.

I wouldn't. I have 3 dc all delivered by emcs. The last one was scary and i really thought there was a possibility i might not make it through. Definitely wouldn't have done another.

Don't think I'd risk it, OP. Keeping healthy for both my kids and myself would weigh in pretty heavily. Sorry to hear you're in that situ

Risks posed by TVT sound horrendous - I couldn't risk a lifetime of pain for another child. The impact on all children would be too much.

I do get this urge from time to time - it’d be crazy for us to have a 3rd dc because we’d very likely end up divorced based on how dc2’s non sleeping days went - it helps to understand that it is a biological urge and not necessarily a helpful one op.

Loving babies is something that snowballed for me after I had my first and I adore them but you’ve got to put this in the context of other unhelpful urges.

Unless you can find a way to mitigate the risks you face...

Your eldest is 11. She can hardly know now whether she will want children or not in the future. I said up to about the age of 19 that I wanted 4 children. I am childfree by choice.

Having 3 children does not mean there will be grandchildren. My DH has 2 siblings and none of them have children. My neighbour has 4 children (the youngest is 50) and none of them have children

I wouldn't risk it, your health is so important.

I'm 37 and I still consult my mum regularly, I talk to or text her every say. Parenting doesn't end at 11, or some other random age.

What age are your other children? Do they have any real concept of the time you will devote to a newborn?

I had 3 children in 18 months, it was a massive strain on my body and having 3 very small children was (and is!) a strain on lots of other elements of my life too. I wouldn't risk having a 4th.

Take some time to think this over, spend time with the children you have now and relish your health/enjoyment of your sport.

Say = day

You don’t have to justify your desire for another baby - it’s completely reasonable to want more

I think you do need to weigh the risks though

If there any way they could remove the mesh before you started to ttc? And then you have the operation again after?

I would look into adoption for sure - of course they’d consider you with a current happy healthy family - what a lovely set up for a baby to go in to

No way. If you feeling broody maybe a puppy or kitten.

Not a puppy - more work and less mobile than a child!!

Think of the existing children and be sensible why risk your health the quality of all of your lives potentiallybthat career And sport you enjoy

You have 3 children if you had a fourth without problems would you then want a fifth? You have a very good reason to stop now!!

I've just read a little about TVT because I knew nothing about it and I would definitely urge you to talk to a respected gynae before making a final decision.

The risks seem very high and not ones I'd be willing to take.

So sorry for your losses OP, I agree you never lose those strong maternal feelings, but it wouldn’t be practical to have a baby every time instinct kicks in, especially in medical circumstances.

I am sure you are delighted to have your 3 children. Having another would change the dynamic of your family, what does your partner think? what do your children think? and most of all do you really want sleepless nights to wean, potty train again? I think we all look back with rose tinted glasses at times especially as we age and feel like the choice may be taken away in a few years.

I have two wonderful boys now 16 & 14, we decided to be happy with what we had and not to increase our family and now I am in my mid forties I am very glad we made that choice, mainly due to my medical circumstances. My DH & I have much more freedom now the boys are older.

You need to do what’s right for you, but please take the time to make the decision and not while you are feeling lost due to bereavement.

Good luck OP, wishing you all the very best.

Actually op, I was in your position but with different complications. Had three dc, 10, 8 and 7 and got very broody but something was pulling me to do it. I don't know what and once the thought was there it was so hard to just withdraw my mind and stop waiting a baby. Was told after my 3rd section not to go again due to sever scar tissue inside my uterus and the possibility of bleeding to death and other complications. I had also had an abdominoplasty (tummy tuck) after the 3rd baby due to huge hernia and other issues so tummy was awesome and my bump would wreck that good work. But, at 36 I did. We had a baby boy and absolutely everything was fine although I was petrified though out and felt like a loaded gun. I feel like the risks were too great now (can't believe we actually did it!) has the birth was terrifying and they had to spend a long time getting him out and sewing me back together again but by god, he was worth it. He is bloody gorgeous and clever and he feels like he was meant to be. Our older kids are getting so much other of him and him them. BUT op, weigh up the odds for you and your family and do what you feel is the best thing.

I read about tvt, have you really thought through the implications for you, unable to walk, pain like you are been stabbed from the inside, the number who are suicidial. Not being able to do the school run, watch their performances etc

If you are 35+ there is an increased risk of twins.

I also think you’re getting a rough ride. I don’t know anything about your personal risks so can’t comment

I also think people load their responses with their person experiences of loss and fertility. So let me be clear- I know I’m exceptionally lucky to have lots of kids.

I was in a similar position 2 years ago, except the risk was of a 4th section when I’m known to have retry awful adhesions.

I got as much advice as I could and paid for a consultation in Harley st before making my decision which was to go for it. I then paid for a private delivery because I was terrified.

Pregnancy was fine and surgery was fine but was the longest the surgeon had ever performed so I was pleased I’d gone for experience. I was sterilised at the same time.

As a result I’ve had to deal with the last baby stuff. I’d have had another if I could and I am frustrated by the fact I can’t. The first year was bad and my hormones made me punchy every time I saw a pregnant person or new born. I’m pretty much ok now. The best advice I can give is to remember that babies don’t stay babies. And importantly you never get your first baby and pregnancy again. Those ones are special because you have all the time in the world. Subsequent ones are far harder and get so much less attention. This is doubly true if you work and have other hobbies.

I’m just about through babies - youngest is 17 months. I can see an end and the chance to start going out in the evening, sleep a bit more and do more exercise. I’m almost excited about it.

Plus older kids are so bloody brilliant!! They never stop needing their parents and your care.

The benefits of having older independent children are amazing. Instead of resisting change, embrace it.

You talk about what you want, and what your children want. What about your husband?

I have 2 children aged 6 and 9. I also have Multiple Sclerosis (MS), diagnosed after they were born.

12 weeks ago I had a massive relapse of my MS. It left me incontinent, hardly able to walk and with no feeling down my left side. In those 12 weeks I spent 1 week in hospital and around 2 weeks in bed (on and off). I am only now able to walk down the road and drove for the first time yesterday. The impact on my family was massive.

The children know I’m not dying and that I’ll get better from this attack, however I was unable to drive so they spent the summer housebound. I was not up for play dates (fatigue was awful) so they hardly saw their friends. I was tired and grumpy so not much fun to be around. My daughter went from a happy confident child to one who cries over nothing and has fallen out with all her friends over silly things. My son has started to school refuse as he is worried and doesn’t want to leave me. The school is sufficiently worried about the behaviour of both children to have arranged counselling for them.

My husband has had to take 5 weeks off work to care for me and look after the children. I’m a teacher at a private school so long summer and October holidays, but I have needed 2 weeks off and my class has been impacted (could you work if incontinent and in constant pain?)

Now I’m better I notice the kids don’t come to me as much. 12 weeks of “be quiet Mummy’s sleeping” or “I can’t do that, ask Daddy”, means they now just go straight to Daddy for anything from a cuddle, to putting hair in a plait, to help with their homework. My husband obviously doesn’t mind but I feel a little bereft.

I wouldn’t risk a life with chronic pain. It robs you of everything, your career, your relationship (no sex for 3 months), your home (can’t keep it the way I want) and potentially the bond with your children. It’s not worth the pain, worry and sacrifice your family would have to make if the worst was to happen.

You say that you can afford a 4th, but would that still be true if you did end up disabled and had to give up work?

How about if your dh had to give up work/reduce his hours to be your carer, and be a stay at home parent for a baby & three kids?
Or if you had to employ a carer and a nanny for the kids?

Nerve damage
Blood clots
Destroyed sex life
Unable to walk
Unable to drive
Bedridden for days
Sliced holes in the vaginal wall

These are just some of the side effects that I found just now...is not being able to drive/walk REALLY a risk that you are willing to take for a baby? Because in all fairness op, you are worried about your 11 not needing you now, what happens when you have to start relying on her for your needs? Or for help in raising a baby?

You think your children would want you to sacrifice everything they have with you now for a baby? How much do you think they will want that sibling once they find out how if affected your health (in case of a disability)? Of course, it wouldn't actually be the baby's fault, but the kids might see it that way!

It's easy for kids to want siblings, because they do not know the health impacts that they bring.

Don't. I know a family where this choice was given. She ended up with twins and is now bed bound. Family now reliant on benefits and all children are terrified when they go to school everyday that mum won't be there when they get home

My gran was still broody after six children and two foster children (and a dog). You have to stop sometime and this sounds like a good time.

Besides, if the reason that you're broody is the grieving for other family members it really isn't fair to have a baby to give it the job to make you feel better.