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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to risk my own health for a 4th child?

131 replies

TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 15:53

Is it unreasonable to risk your own health to have another baby when you have older kids who need you to be fit and healthy?

I expect the answer is yes and yet I am finding it so hard to convince myself it’s not worth the risk.

After my 3rd I had some stress incontinence and underwent a surgery called TVT. It was successful. However recently the Press has been full of coverage of law suits from women who had TVT and were left with a life time of pain and disability. They say the scandal is bigger than thalidomide. I saw my OBGYN who advised me not to risk pregnancy as it could erode my TVT and then I could be one of the women suffering. That could in fact happen at anytime anyway, but pregnancy increases the risk.

But I’m so broody. DH and I both just lost our mothers and both would really like to add to our family. We can afford it, our other children want a sibling. If it wasn’t for the surgery there would be no doubt in my mind.

So would I be unreasonable to take the risk?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/11/2017 13:13

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

jobapplicationshock · 05/11/2017 13:18

I think the recent deaths you have experienced may be tainting your thinking here 💐
I heard the R4 programme with the women who have been left suicidal due to the pain caused by this treatment. For your own wellbeing, let alone your dc's I wouldn't risk a 4th. For some women they never stop being broody. Enjoy what you have OP.

Cockmagic · 05/11/2017 13:22

So your children have lost their grandparents and you want to add to their stress by getting pregnant again?

Don't do it be grateful for what you have!

LoniceraJaponica · 05/11/2017 14:57

Perhaps it is because I am not very maternal and have never felt broody in my life, but I simply don't understand why some women who are faced with substantial health risks and/or other very good reasons not to have any more babies still think that having another baby trumps everything else.

It completely baffles me.

Why would anyone consider negatively impacting the quality of life of the children they already have? It is selfish.

IHaveBrilloHair · 05/11/2017 16:41

I agree Lonerica, it's baffling to me.

LindyHemming · 05/11/2017 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IHaveBrilloHair · 05/11/2017 16:51

I also have one and have never felt broody.
It's the existing children wanting another sibling that confuses me most, I really can't understand each of three separately wanting another, for what exactly?

LoniceraJaponica · 05/11/2017 16:55

I kind of think that the OP feels defined by her children. They are part of you of course, but you can't be defined by your children. You are still an individual.

IHaveBrilloHair · 05/11/2017 17:02

Absolutely, I love that I can have a night or two away now, and that it's much easier to be me now I don't need to worry about babysitters or whatever.
I'm still Dd's Mum, always will be, but it's nice to be two individuals sometimes, rather than that all consuming relationship you have to have when they're young.

OlennasWimple · 05/11/2017 17:07

OP - I'm sorry for your losses, but it would stupid and selfish, not just unreasonable, to try for a fourth baby.

If you really feel that your family isn't complete, in due course you might want to explore adoption (it's not for everyone though).

jacks11 · 05/11/2017 17:46

I think YABU

Obviously, ultimately it's your choice. There is a chance you may get your 4th DC without any complications. BUT you have to think very long and hard about the potential implications if the worst were to happen? Is the risk of living in with chronic (and potentially disabling) pain daily really worth that? I regularly see patient's whose lives are devastated by the impact of living with chronic pain. The impact on their families (especially children) is hugely significant , as outlined by a number of posters living through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Why would you deliberately put yourself, and your family, at risk?

My own view is that the welfare and wellbeing of your existing children are paramount and I wouldn't risk that for the sake of having another baby. Personally, I don't think I could live with the guilt of putting their wellbeing in jeopardy because of broodiness. It's selfish, IMO. I genuinely don't understand the inability to put broodiness to one side when needed. I've been broody, I decided not to have more children because having another child was not sensible (also for health reasons). If you really want to, you can put it behind you and move on in time. Focus on the positives you have now.

The there's also the thorny problem of what if a 4th DC doesn't satisfy the broodiness? Or it does for now, but in a few years you feel this way again?

notgivingin789 · 05/11/2017 17:48

No... Confused. Your lucky you have three beautiful children already. Kids are not accessories, they stay babies only for a short while, they grow up, have their own minds... What happens if you get really sick and unable to take care of your existing children ?

Enjoy your life, enjoy the children you already have. Life is not all about having kids, having more kids, having even more kids...if that's what you want anyway.

LoniceraJaponica · 05/11/2017 17:48

And why would you deliberately add extra strain on an already stretched NHS?

expatinscotland · 05/11/2017 18:22

I was broody . . . and then I had my 3rd. It is a lot nicer now they can make their own sandwich, use the microwave, load the washing machine, etc. Visited a mate who has a toddler, I forgot they are such a tie, and you can't say 'Fuck!' in front of them, either, or get drunk in an evening and then lie in till 10am knowing they'll sort their own breakfast and play on their tablets/games consoles.

expatinscotland · 05/11/2017 18:24

'And why would you deliberately add extra strain on an already stretched NHS?'

Not just that, but she gets health problems afterwards, and you can guarantee the care she needs probably won't be there, not to mention if she becomes disabled and has to quit work and/or her spouse has to cut back to care for her and they need benefits.

ppeatfruit · 05/11/2017 21:25

Yes exactly Jacks And what happens if you are disabled and give birth to a disabled child , or twins? It can happen. Your existing kids wouldn't be able to have any of your attention then. It wouldn't be fair.

Not to mention the environment.

The fashion for having 4 children is not a sensible one IMO. The Beckhams have plenty of back up most normal families don't.

Original poster
TVTRegrets · 05/11/2017 21:42

Thanks for all thebpsosts. They have made me think more about what I already knew deep down, which is that a 4th a risky and impossible dream.

I am broody, I love having a big family, I’d love it to be bigger. I’m blessed that we have always had a live in nanny so the stresses some posters refer to of never going out etc haven’t impacted on me. But I guess that’s part of the point, my life is blessed, I have the money to have help and enjoy my kids and my career and my sport and I know I can’t really risk all that. If only my ovaries would listen!

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 05/11/2017 22:38

How do you deal with broodiness if you can't give in to it?

I am curious - not judging, because being broody is such an alien feeling to me. As it is something I have never felt I just can't get my head round it at all. I guess the nearest analogy to that would be bungee jumping - something i have simply no desire to do.

IHaveBrilloHair · 05/11/2017 23:17

I've never been broody but I have bungee jumped!
I can accept that broodiness must be a strong feeling, and hard to overcome, what I can't get my head around is putting your own desires before that of your existing family.
What if it's still there after the fourth?

Copperkettles · 06/11/2017 00:38

Don't do it.

Chronic pain is the most soul destroying experience. It saps all of your joy. I've chosen not to have children full stop because of my chronic pain amongst other things. I know lots of people with physical health problems make wonderful parents but I didn't want to risk having a child bearing in mind I get suicidal, am ratty when I'm particularly tired and am stuck in bed for days at a time and can't offer a child much of a life.

You have so much already. There are so many people like myself who'd do anything for the chance to be the healthy mum of just one child. Don't jeopardise what you have. Please look into getting a puppy and steal other peoples' babies where you can for a cuddle.

Copperkettles · 06/11/2017 00:39

Oh and I've written the above as someone who gets very broody.

Themummy76 · 06/11/2017 02:08

Broodiness is nothing like bungee jumping.... Confused

LoniceraJaponica · 06/11/2017 06:41

You misunderstood me Themummy.

My desire for more children is the same as my desire to jump from a height on the end of a piece of elastic - nil Hmm

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/11/2017 06:54

Seriously when will you get the menopause ? As in some ways that's a nice way to shelve this dream . Don't OP you are grieving and reallly not in the place to make such a decision . I eeep for the women who have this issue it's reallly grim

Look after yourself in your grieving Flowers

Themummy76 · 06/11/2017 09:33

Lon - ah ok! Yes then broodiness is like nothing will stop you jumping even if you’re not quite sure the cord is even attached - it’s a compulsion and a biological urge. It doesn’t take up the rational part of our brain.