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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to risk my own health for a 4th child?

131 replies

TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 15:53

Is it unreasonable to risk your own health to have another baby when you have older kids who need you to be fit and healthy?

I expect the answer is yes and yet I am finding it so hard to convince myself it’s not worth the risk.

After my 3rd I had some stress incontinence and underwent a surgery called TVT. It was successful. However recently the Press has been full of coverage of law suits from women who had TVT and were left with a life time of pain and disability. They say the scandal is bigger than thalidomide. I saw my OBGYN who advised me not to risk pregnancy as it could erode my TVT and then I could be one of the women suffering. That could in fact happen at anytime anyway, but pregnancy increases the risk.

But I’m so broody. DH and I both just lost our mothers and both would really like to add to our family. We can afford it, our other children want a sibling. If it wasn’t for the surgery there would be no doubt in my mind.

So would I be unreasonable to take the risk?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/11/2017 16:24

Of course its not worth the risk of a lifetime of pain and disability for any of your family.

You need to start looking ahead and maybe other options such as fostering

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2017 16:28

You would be reckless and stupid. The only thing in life which matters is your health. I don’t have mine so I know. I’m 46. My health issues are not of my making.

GladAllOver · 04/11/2017 16:30

Just agreeing with the others. Look forward to your grandchildren!

Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 16:32

I couldn’t foster because we both work. Adoption is attractive but it seems such a long and involved process & I wonder whether they would consider us given we have 3 under 11.

OP posts:
Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 16:32

Glad - I’m in my 30s, I can’t start waiting for grandchildren now!

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 04/11/2017 16:37

Don't do it.

I'm living a lifetime of pain and disability due to having severe SPD with my second pregnancy 21 years ago. It'S never gone away. Over the last 11 years I've had 8 major pelvic and spinal surgeries. I can't work, I can't walk unaided and our whole family is dictated by illness.

When my children moved out at 18&19 to join the army/go to uni that was the first time that they really could decide what they wanted to do and when they wanted to do it. They didn't have to ask me if I needed anything doing before they went out etc. The guilt I felt, and still feel, is huge. They don't make me feel like that, btw, it's just me.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/11/2017 16:42

Oh Fairy, that must be hard.
I have a chronic illness, and although DD is a bit rubbish at helping me, I do know it plays heavily on her mind and its difficult for her.

Op, please listen, you have three, don't risk yourself and your existing children for another.

Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 16:46

Fairy - that does sound very hard. I am sorry you have had to go through that. And it’s a very stark illustration for me to think about. Thank you.

OP posts:
BlackBanana · 04/11/2017 16:46

Three children is enough for one family just on principled grounds

Piss off.

megletthesecond · 04/11/2017 16:47

Don't do it Flowers. It's not worth the risk to you or your family.

squoosh · 04/11/2017 16:47

You need to sit tight and ride this wave of broodiness out OP. I don't want like some cheesy wall decal, but focus on what you have rather than what you don't have.

ticklady · 04/11/2017 16:48

OP some harsh responses on here!

Only you can decide what is best for you and your family.
I cant totally get where you are coming from as I was told not to have any more and I desperately wanted another. I have four children, miscarried 3 more but the desire to have another was so great. I struggle every day with the thought that I cant have any more. (I'm hoping menopause kicks in soon to take that option away for good!)

Think not only of how you feel now, how you would feel if things did go wrong, or even if having a miscarriage / erpc/ D&C may affect your health.
You children will (eventually as they they get older) understand if they don't get another sibling ( after all getting pregnant is never guaranteed is it ?).
I think you know the answer already.
And as for waiting for grand children... I have them too but they don't take away the desire or longing for another child of your own. They are fun and lovely but still not entirely 'yours' :)

Good luck with whatever decision you make xx

ADishBestEatenCold · 04/11/2017 16:49

Is the risk throughout the pregnancy, or is it in the birth?

If the latter only, would there be the same level of risk in an elective cesarean?

Mamabear4180 · 04/11/2017 16:53

OP why don't you just not decide yet? I think you really have enough to deal with right now! I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Why don't you view it another way altogether and think 'I can if I want to but I won't for now'. Then give yourself a break. There's no easy answers to these things and asking other people their opinions given the facts of your situation will just be the opinions you already know people will say but it's not how you feel and that's ok.

you are 'allowed' to want another baby, you can think about it and decide what to do later. It's your choice and always will be.

Take care of yourself Flowers

MissFlashpants · 04/11/2017 16:53

“It just makes me feel so old”

I suspect that’s why so many of us struggle with completing our families. It’s closer to being less vital and needed and being old and rudderless and staring at death.

These are not reasons to have more babies. You’re going to get old anyway. Sorry about that Grin

roundaboutthetown · 04/11/2017 16:54

Yes of course yabu.

Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 16:54

ADush - apparently the pregnancy risks stretching and eroding the mesh they inserted and for some woman this has led to chronic severe pain and disability that can’t be reversed. A c-section lessons the risk but doesn’t eliminate it.

OP posts:
kierenthecommunity · 04/11/2017 16:55

Why don't you consider fostering or adoption? There are too many people already on this planet and many children needing a home.

Adoption or fostering is not there to provide baby solutions for the possibly momentarily broody. It’s something you need to want to do in its own right.

Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 16:55

SOrrybthat reply was to ADish not ADush!

OP posts:
Orangealien · 04/11/2017 16:55

If you have constant pain it basically ruins your life. I wouldn't risk it op.

WanderingTrolley1 · 04/11/2017 16:56

Don’t risk it.

ownedbySWD · 04/11/2017 17:00

I really wouldn't risk problems with incontinence or the mesh perforating internal organs. :(

I can recommend getting a puppy - very much like having a permanent toddler!!

mydogisthebest · 04/11/2017 17:00

Why do people assume there will be grandchildren? More and more couples are deciding not to have children and don't need pressure put on them by parents.

I know a couple who don't want children and his mother just keeps on and on at them about it. She posts things about babies on facebook and how lovely they are etc and always tags the couple. I often the put a reply on along the lines of how much hard work babies are, how the planet is already overpopulated, how much nicer dogs and cats are. The mum gets really annoyed but the couple find it hilarious

BlackBanana · 04/11/2017 17:02

If you have 3 children, the chances are high you will have at least one grandchild.

Original poster
TVTregrets · 04/11/2017 17:06

MyDog - I take your point about grandchildren but with three children who so far adore babies and want more in the family right now, I live in hope that at least one of them will have a baby at some point. But probably not for at least twenty years so that doesn’t help my broodiness right now!

OP posts: