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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's a bit cheeky to ask your wedding guests to pay for your honeymoon?

314 replies

StepAwayFromGoogle · 04/11/2017 12:39

I'd be really interested to hear what people think. We've had a few wedding invites recently where the bride and groom have written a lovely little poem about how they have everything they want so could guests contribute to their honeymoon.

Most recently was something along the lines if:
"Please no children, we hope you understand, our wedding day might get quite out of hand, please do rock up to the evening do, and helping out with the honeymoon would be so kind of you." Sooo - whole family not invited, not important enough to come to the wedding itself, but please do still help pay for our honeymoon.

My OH and I are planning to get married in 2019 and have already decided we are going to explicitly say 'no presents' on the invite i.e. 'it's cost you all a fortune to travel here and stay overnight, so that's our present thanks, we're quite alright'.

I don't know why it narks me so much. I'm not bothered about wedding lists or where you just bring a present or drop some money into a box, so why does asking to contribute to the honeymoon annoy me so much? And AIBU?

OP posts:
Skarossinkplunger · 05/11/2017 09:23

list! I meant list, not list.

Rafflesway · 05/11/2017 09:45

I don’t have an issue with people requesting money, (Although do think the poems are a bit naff and unnecessary.)

However, what really gets my goat is when you dont receive a thank you.

We received an ‘Evening only’ invite - along with poem - from a young couple who live down the lane from us. No issue with that at all - wedding was end of May. We put a reasonably healthy cheque in the card which we posted through their door the day before the wedding. 4 weeks later cheque still hadn’t been cashed so DH checked with groom in case they had lost it. No ‘Thank you’ received, just “Oh yeah, sorry haven’t managed to get to the bank yet.” Cheque was cashed mid July!
We are still awaiting a ‘Thank You.’ Sorry but I think that is outrageously rude and grabby. 😡. And, for those of you who say that ‘Thank You’ cards aren’t sent until 6 months afterwards, sorry but a card isn’t necessary - a simple verbal gesture or email is fine - and 6 months later is totally pointless and entitled. Rant over!

Fifthtimelucky · 05/11/2017 10:32

I’m of the view that invitations should say nothing at all about presents. If guests ask, then it is fine to tell them. I don’t particularly like lists held at shops, so when I got married, anyone who asked was referred to my sister who had my list. They said what they would get and she crossed it off. Most of the things on the list were typical of the day (eg good quality china and glass or useful household items. No-one gave money, but it was 25 years ago. Lots of people didn’t ask, and chose what they wanted. Some of those items are still in daily use.

These days, money is more common, for the reasons others have said. If nothing is said in the invitation, I will ask. Every wedding I have been to in the last 5 years, the bride and groom have asked for money. Sometimes it has been specified that this will be used on the honeymoon, but not always.
I rather like the idea of paying for particular upgrades etc bits of the honeymoon.

I always think it is a shame when people say ‘no children’. The cynic in me wonders whether in some cases that is because the bride and groom consider children as wasted space because they take up as much room and cost as much as adults (except babies, obviously) but don’t bring their own presents, especially as it is now likely to be money. Why would they want a family of 6 who will take up 6 valuable spaces, but will bring only 1 present, when you could ask 3 couples, who would bring 3 presents, or better still 6 single people who would bring 6!

Unlike some others, I don’t have a problem with evening only invitations in certain circumstances. With the best will in the world, most of us cannot afford to invite everyone we would like to the main event. I don’t think there is anything wrong with inviting eg work colleagues to an evening celebration that is local. I wouldn’t expect presents though.

Fifthtimelucky · 05/11/2017 10:34

Agree about the rudeness of very late or absent ‘thank yous’. I wrote all mine on my honeymoon!

Only1scoop · 05/11/2017 10:36

I always put local currency of where they are going for honeymoon in a card, with a have a lovely dinner/excursion type note added.

This I feel fine about.

Giving money to actually pay for the holiday doesn't sit right somehow.

expatinscotland · 05/11/2017 11:02

'Always amazed at English weddings where you can pop 50 pounds in a card. In lreland the going the going rate is 200 euro per couple and that is barely up to whats expected. Havent had any poems ever though so not complaining too much.'

How do people afford to go? That's a huge amount of money to a lot of people. I wouldn't be able to afford to go at that rate. Seems very grabby to expect a set amount of money.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/11/2017 11:04

However, what really gets my goat is when you dont receive a thank you

Don't even go there Hmm I believe you're right, but any minute now you'll get the usual "don't they know we're busy / we were waiting for the photocards / nobody bothers these days / if you're giving with strings you can stuff your gift" replies Sad

What does interest me is that the popularity of actually asking for cash seems have have coincided with the increasing lack of thank yous. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but the word "entitlement" comes to mind ...

karategirl · 05/11/2017 11:21

For some reason I find the poems themselves really cringeworthy, but I don't mind at all being asked to contribute towards something the couple want, rather than acquiring a heap of gifts they don't need.

When Mr Karate and I got married, we wrote a note (which didn't rhyme!) saying that we hadn't created a wedding list, as we weren't expecting anything at all as many of our guests had travelled a long way to attend, but if people would like to give us something, a contribution towards our house deposit would be appreciated, as we were living in a tiny flat at the time, with no room for stuff!

iBiscuit · 05/11/2017 11:28

Fifth I think most people who exclude children do so because if they invited them all, they'd not be able to invite other adults. Also, if a lot of your friends have children you can end up with under 13s almost outnumbering grown ups - which totally shifts the flavour of the day.

We won't be excluding children from our wedding because there aren't very many of them. We're quite old, so most of the kids in our family and friendship groups are adults themselves.

StickThatInYourPipe · 05/11/2017 11:36

General rule for me:

If you’re inviting me to your wedding. Please please please provide a giftlist. I don’t care what’s on it, honeymoon / plates / gym membership subscription / whatever else random stuff you like.

When I go to a wedding, I like to give a gift. I don’t however want to spend hours agonising over the internet trying to guess at what you want as a couple. I already have to piss about with that stuff enough at Christmas!

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 05/11/2017 11:49

When I go to a wedding, I like to give a gift. I don’t however want to spend hours agonising over the internet trying to guess at what you want as a couple. I already have to piss about with that stuff enough at Christmas!
Yes, this.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 05/11/2017 11:50

Fifth I think most people who exclude children do so because if they invited them all, they'd not be able to invite other adults. Also, if a lot of your friends have children you can end up with under 13s almost outnumbering grown ups - which totally shifts the flavour of the day.
Agree with this.

McTufty · 05/11/2017 11:59

I always think it is a shame when people say ‘no children’. The cynic in me wonders whether in some cases that is because the bride and groom consider children as wasted space because they take up as much room and cost as much as adults (except babies, obviously) but don’t bring their own presents, especially as it is now likely to be money. Why would they want a family of 6 who will take up 6 valuable spaces, but will bring only 1 present, when you could ask 3 couples, who would bring 3 presents, or better still 6 single people who would bring 6!

What an uttterly ridiculous thing to say. If you can only afford 100 people, and start inviting families of 6, then those 4 children take up the spaces of adult friends who you would like to celebrate with and would have to exclude entirely.

I mean, how does anyone not understand that and think it is to do with gifts? Just bizarre.

coddiwomple · 05/11/2017 12:08

because they take up as much room and cost as much as adults (except babies, obviously) but don’t bring their own presents

Shock

wow, it's unbelievable that someone even think that, but sadly if you come up with this reasoning, it's probably true with some people.

I always thought that people didn't want to children because they didn't want feral snowflakes disturbing the ceremony, running everywhere and being a general nuisance during diner and the evening reception

StickThatInYourPipe · 05/11/2017 12:14

coddiwomple

I’d never thought of that as a reason why either! No children = More gifts! Haha so simple!

I personally think no children at a wedding is a bit sad. However me and dp have been to a few weddings were all guests were seemingly considered free childcare for some. I have one vivid memory of chasing down a 4 year old I had never met who was running around with a fork, parents no where to be seen. That was probably the only time I have thought ‘children should NOT be at weddings’ but it was only a mere frustrated reaction in my head to the situation. Grin

iBiscuit · 05/11/2017 12:21

Children are generally a lot cheaper per head than adults anyway. The cost argument doesn't stack up at all, other than in the way McTufty describes.

deadringer · 05/11/2017 12:24

In Ireland no one asks for money, it's considered rude, but just about everyone gives it. My niece got married a couple of years ago and she was thrilled when she got a few gifts from the older guests, cash is such a given that she was surprised and delighted to get actual gifts. My wedding was child free 30 years ago and I never regretted it, I was young and childless as were all of our friends so we just wanted a fun adult party really. Plus being the youngest of a very large family the nephews and neices would have out numbered the adults if we had invited them.

YouOKHun · 05/11/2017 13:40

It’s about manners: asking upfront for what you want to be given IS grabby as a gift isn’t for the receiver to dictate and requests for cold hard cash put people who are struggling in a difficult position. I get that no one needs to set up home in the traditional way but asking upfront is naff. I feel the same about including a gift list in with an invitation; it’s bad mannered and grabby. If someone chooses to ask what you’d like then politely say, but it’s up to the guests as the givers.

MsHarry · 05/11/2017 14:06

I agree YouOKHun but it's becoming the norm. a relative of mine did it because that's what everyone else does. I couldn't ask for gifts or money. If people asked me I gave them the list details.

Branleuse · 05/11/2017 15:03

eugh i hate weddings so much, and childless weddings are even worse. Thats even before they start moneygrabbing

lanebaby · 05/11/2017 15:26

Money towards the honeymoon is fine. What's wrong with asking so you don't get a voucher that you really won't use?!
My family insisted I asked for something on our invites so they know what to get us. Weddings are expensive and I see it as if I'm invited I'm going to pay back for my meal. I'm more than happy to give my friends and family money.
We're planning our wedding now and children are so expensive, I can understand why people don't include them on their special day. I don't think it's unreasonable tbh.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 05/11/2017 15:59

because they take up as much room and cost as much as adults (except babies, obviously) but don’t bring their own presents

I think that's what many think sadly. It seems wrong somehow cherry picking which members of a family you deem important enough to invite.

It's like evening only guests, second tier as not good enough to see that actual wedding but they make up the number of presents.

iBiscuit · 05/11/2017 16:27

I mentioned the capacity of our register office upthread. We can get all our families in, but only a couple of friends (if that).

What do those objecting to "two tier" weddings suggest we do?

Fifthtimelucky · 05/11/2017 17:40

I did say that the cynic in me wondered in some cases, whether the present issue was a factor in not inviting children. I wouldn’t dream of suggesting that that is true in every case. More often, I think, people don’t want their big day ruined by screaming babies or badly behaved children who run around uncontrolled. And of course some people want the space for their friends.

We were short on space for our wedding and we prioritised family over friends. That meant that there were lots of friends we couldn’t invite. Families came as a package and I wouldn’t have dreamed of freeing up spaces by not inviting the children. I don’t remember anyone doing that in those days. Having said that I was quite pleased when one of my cousins said she couldn’t come. We get on very well but she and her husband had four young children so I was able to invite six more friends.

BasinHaircut · 05/11/2017 17:46

I dont see why it’s not on to ask for cash for honeymoon, but it’s ok to ask your friends and family to - by your own admission in the OP - spend a fortune on attending your wedding.

Poems are irritating but it’s just people trying to politely say ‘I don’t want loads of bottles of champagne or silver photo frames, so if you must give a gift we’d rather choose it ourselves, cheers’