AIBU to not want to be called by my nick name by a man

[Snafu1988]

There is this guy I have known for quite a while but we have never been close. He is a friend of a relative and also friends with relatives of my husband. I already have known him before I was married, first met him when I was 15.
He called him by my first name and or nickname then I already I did not like it but only told him mich later when we met again, when I basically told him I was 19 (back then) and thought he should call me by family name. He called me by my last name then.
Years later we met again and he called me by my first name or nickname (and sometimes also last name)
Years later we met again and he calls me by my first name and nick name and the last name I used to have before we married. Now I asked him to call him by my real last name.

He basically told me he was good friends with the X family (my husbands family) and that they all have the same last name. Calling me by that name would make no sense, because he calls nobody from the X family by his last name as there are so many of them. My husband is from a real big family.

To make it short: I am not happy with this, it feels too intimate. I am not even sure why I am so much opposed to the idea but there is something about our relationship that just makes me feel like I do not want to be called by my first name by him. Cannot really put it into words. AIBU?

snafu I don't think what Vladimir said was rude.

I know plenty of old/middle aged german Spiessers and even the most ancient realise that all these old fashioned rules are exactly that - altmödisch and out of touch.

Hör auf zu lügen

Okay, I've just translated that with the help of Google.

I think the point the previous poster was trying to make is pretty clear, OP!

Elledouble I meant that in regards to being part German. In other words... 'don't tell lies about my country' IYSWIM?

Yes, it means I should stop telling lies and he used an informal form of you. I think it is impolite when a man uses this form you talking to a woman unless she agreed to use that form of you. I did not agree. That is like talking down to me.

Oh I see. I dunno, it’s certainly been my (recent) experience that German society can be more formal than English. Maybe it varies regionally.

Urgh can't bear all this du and Sie fuckwittery.

I call everyone Du and they either get over it or don't

Pipistrell. I am not sure if it is very wise to call everybody du. I used to work in finances (which is a conservative sector). If I had called everybody du and told them to get over it would have lost my job in no time.

And as for what he said „Hören Sie auf zu lügen“ is rude but „Hör auf zu lügen“ is even ruder.

What I quite enjoy is being incredibly rude to interfering old biddies but using Sie at the same time.

What do you do if someone says "oh fuck off" but calls you Sie?

I admit I'm just through with all this formal german bullshit. I've been castigated randomly by too many old ladies (mostly for things like letting my children out without hats in 23 degree weather) to feel like being polite.

Snafu1988 I'm a 'she'. Stop referring to me as 'he'.

What I do when I met that kind of old persons?

I basically say „Ma’am. I thank you (Sie) very much for your concern“ and give them my most pleasant smile because nothing annoys them more than a person who is not annoyed by them.

I really do not think manners are bullshit though. They are also a bit like „the defence of the weak“ so to speak, because if everything is okay.... calling any woman by her first name, pushing aside children, closing doors in old ladies faces and so on it‘s a dog eat dog world.

I think there is a reason why th woman is supposed the one to invite the man to call her by her first name and not the other way around.

I am sorry, Vladmirs. Your username sounded male to me. It was an honest mistake :)

Ich vergebe dir

I think you have explained yourself well OP - my only experience of working with Germans is in an academic environment, where the secretaries referred to me and their bosses as "Mr", and "Mrs"..and of course Professor etc.. but then also each other..and I quickly understood. My childhood sounds pretty similar to yours though, and it is so difficult to learn to stand up for yourself.

I have a working modern-day UK version of this problem, that I have an ex-boyfriend of decades ago who still refers to me (we meet in a social group maybe once a year or less) by my maiden name. It was an amusing joke when we were dating, but now I actually find it far too familiar, and pretty disrespectful (plus I think it makes DH think WTF?). But it is also his whole language, he thinks he still knows me..and actually I've changed a lot in 25 years!

This man sounds creepy and sleazy, and I do understand the unbearable feeling of going against everything you've been taught/brainwashed with...but think of it this way, he is going against the rules too - he KNOWS that he is not supposed to refer to you in this way, and he thinks it's amusing/gets his kicks from making you uncomfortable.

Good luck, you need to make a plan, and stick to it. However uncomfortable it makes you. Better feeling embarrassed for standing up to him, than embarrassed because he's touching you/creeping you out.

Das ist aber auch wirklich zu gütig von Ihnen! Sie beschämen mich ;)

Could we please get back on topic of this thread.

he used an informal form of you.

I used to live in a Spanish speaking country and they had a similar thing with the tu (you informal singular) Usted (you formal singular) formation.

However, most Spaniards I meet these days - albeit in fairly informal settings - seem to have dropped the polite "usted" form and just go straight into "tu".

Are Germans still adhering to polite forms of address?

Op I’m not sure that it is always the woman who offers to be on first name terms in Austria.
Often it’s the older person who offers. Perhaps that is what your ‘friend’ is doing?
In any event, I think repeating your surname to him and saying no thanks to the hand kissing is the best way forward.

Why do you keep putting the quotation marks at the start of the quote down low where commas and full stops go instead of up high? Is that how quotes are written in German?
Genuine question as I'm intrigued

How odd they didn't teach how to navigate this issue in finishing school

Iborgia: Did you talk to him about this?

During my childhood I was raised to be mega polite and inoffensive and I always find it hard to snatch out of it when someone just demands and takes.
So typically I do not stand up for myself and if I do I end upon trouble because nothing in life ever goes my way.

I have a good life. I really cannot complain, but somehowthings wrestler happening to me than me planning them + some people see me as defenseless and use it for their favour.

Hmm.
I am a Brit living in Germany, so think I can see this from both sides.
If he's part of your extended circle of friends/family (which I think is the position from your OP - haven't RTwholeFT), first-name terms (and everyone calling one another 'du' without any formal das-Du-anbieten stuff) would be usual these days, even here (OK, I get that Austria is more formal), and you are definitely making a point by asking him to call you Frau X. That said, he shouldn't disrespect your wishes, especially if there is an age differential. (I take it you call him Herr Y?). I think in your position I would accept the first-name terms* because of the general relationships among the group you both belong to, but ask him not to call you the nickname and just generally avoid him as much as possible. Get your dh to back you up. And call him out on creepy/over-familiar behaviour.

*Things are shifting, even in Germany. Being on first-name/'du' terms with someone is no longer as emphatic a mark of intimacy as it was. If you can look at it like that, it might take some of the power out of him calling you that, iyswim.

VladimirsPoutine, that (the end of your reply to Iamcheeseman) was completely unnecessary

Yes, it is the older person who offers, but in all honesty I am not sure when older starts. When I was 15 he was older (the real grown up) but now both of us are grown up and none is elderly.

It is because I never went to finishing school. I just graduated from a normal College preparatory school/grammar school and those do not teach much manners in Germany... if at all.

Friends of ours hired a dancing teacher who also taught us a bit of manners.

I think I mentioned already I got something wrong when I said I was gentry. I was lost in translation, but looking the term up I realized that seems to be a class of people who own a large amount of land and money and never have to work a day in their life. That‘s not us. We are doing well financially, but dh works for our living. As did my father.

What I wanted to say was that I am from a family who back in the day served in the military as my husbands does until this day and the ones who were especially courageous because of their brave service they were seen as a class. Then they married the daughters of other military folks and such a family line was created in which everybody was military. Because they married among themselves someday their rules and traditions and ways of doing things started to differ from how other people do it and because of that kissing a persons hand is not that unusual.

This is very similar to a miners daughter marrying a miner and so on and so on until a culture springs from that.

Yes, we typically all one another du and by our first names and most people call me by my nickname and this is quite okay for me.. but for me being called by my first name is a bit like being hugged. Only if you trust the person.

Yes, it is slowly changing but for me du still feels very different than Sie. I wonder how I will feel in twenty years from now.

Snafu, please stop trying to explain yourself, some people will get it, some will think you have nothing to complain about whatever you say!

I'm embarrassed to say I've only tried properly once to get this guy to understand, and he was just patronising, and sort of "oh, I know you..." ..I have to say, his DW was outraged by his behaviour, but dealt with it by cutting me off, and there we are. I stay as civil as possible when I see them, and then leave if it gets too bad. Or stand next to DH all night. Which is not our usual thing..we circulate and talk to lots of different people!

I think your description of using your nickname as being like being hugged is excellent. very evocative. Part of my issue, I think, is that my parents were much older, and had very particular upbringings.. which now all these years later really don't make much sense, unless you're in the most royal of circles, but it really isn't that long ago that these things mattered. I can quite understand them still being an issue for you. I'm remembering a family friend who used to kiss my hand when I was a teenager, it would make my skin crawl... whereas my mother thought it quite delightful . I'm pretty sure he didn't look at her the same way, or maybe she just interpreted it differently.