AIBU to not want to be called by my nick name by a man

[Snafu1988]

There is this guy I have known for quite a while but we have never been close. He is a friend of a relative and also friends with relatives of my husband. I already have known him before I was married, first met him when I was 15.
He called him by my first name and or nickname then I already I did not like it but only told him mich later when we met again, when I basically told him I was 19 (back then) and thought he should call me by family name. He called me by my last name then.
Years later we met again and he called me by my first name or nickname (and sometimes also last name)
Years later we met again and he calls me by my first name and nick name and the last name I used to have before we married. Now I asked him to call him by my real last name.

He basically told me he was good friends with the X family (my husbands family) and that they all have the same last name. Calling me by that name would make no sense, because he calls nobody from the X family by his last name as there are so many of them. My husband is from a real big family.

To make it short: I am not happy with this, it feels too intimate. I am not even sure why I am so much opposed to the idea but there is something about our relationship that just makes me feel like I do not want to be called by my first name by him. Cannot really put it into words. AIBU?

Can't believe I've wasted the last few minutes reading your OP. YABU.

Um, just ignore him if addresses you inappropriately and don’t ever give him your hand. Stand up for yourself and stop hiding behind your ‘European gentry’ background. Simple. Duh

I worked for a European head office of a company and often travelled to Germany. The head of of our office there was a charming man who I never called anything except "Benedikt" and he called me "Kew". He was informal with everyone.

I never knew he was a Baron Benedikt von "big region" and apparently quite a big cheese. SO you can choose not to be offended if you don't want to be, even if you're German or Austrian (our European CEO was Austrian). If it annoys you then tell him very clearly and publicly.

Otherwise chill.

I totally agree with kuniloofdooksa, sounds like your way of not being too familiar with him. And that's understandable if he gets your heckles up. Agree though that it would make you look odd to ask him to call you Mrs...

I would suggest though when you next see him if he says all the 'allow me that I'm old school' just say 'oh I know I'm funny but it always gives me the creeps when people do that' or something that means he can't really still then go ahead with it, without looking creepy.

If he still does do it, then say firmly 'I said no' and you know you're gut instinct is right.

But he's not necessarily pervy just because he gets your heckles up, maybe just a bit sad or desperate and that comes over a bit predatory (albeit in an old school way).

Oh and my tip with hand kissers is to clench your first when they pick it up - it has the double benefit or looking like you're about to punch them and simultaneously like they are kissing the Pope's ring and looks most odd. Win win.

I don't think I've ever had my hand kissed.

I don't think I've ever had my hand kissed.

Nor I.

And, much as I've often wanted to, I've never plucked up the courage to say "You will leave my presence, sir!", like an offended 15th century noblewoman.

Oh they say that all the time round these 'ere parts.

Sounds like there is a cultural issue here. He is using names that make you feel uncomfortable, like your maiden name. This is deeply disrespectful.

Just because formality isn’t the norm, doesn’t mean people can call you what you like, especially if you’re in a culture where men and women have more formal relationships.

I think your request is totally reasonable and the actual problem is him not respecting boundaries.

Cutting through the cr*p...

Man is doing something OP does not like. Irrespective of culture/language or what others think, tell him "no thank you" firmly and in front of others.

Keep repeating this as others will soon see that he is disrespecting your wishes and will likely tell him too.

Bet you wished you hadn't said gentry! :) atb x

I find it depressing to see how the OP's concerns about a creepy guy who clearly transgresses boundaries and seeks physical contact against her explicit wishes are being dismissed because of her specific class background.

OP, I get it. I am far from being gentry but I am Austrian who has lived in several countries and speaks several languages fluently. And yes, I have met some of these seemingly polite but creepy men eager to kiss my hand.

It can be difficult to explain the nuances of languages and social norms to people who are not familiar with them. I remember well how excruciatingly difficult it was for me to address my university lecturers with their first names when first studying abroad (in a third country) because it felt lacking respect and too intimate. I also admit that I find it slightly irritating to be addressed with 'Du' when shopping in certain shops when visiting Germany. Excuse me, have we met before? But having lived and worked in a professional environment in the UK for over a decade, I don't have any problem using first names with colleagues or people I don't know well because it doesn't imply the same intimacy and closeness in the UK. Context is everything. For example, not saying 'please' sounds incredibly rude in English but you can get away with it in German if you use a polite intonation.

I think you need to work on establishing clear boundaries. When I was a student in Vienna many moons ago, a creepy mature student said to a German friend of mine, 'Du kannst mich ruhig duzen'. Without missing a beat she replied in her best cool and descending manner, 'und Sie können mich ruhig siezen!' This shut him up. This was for me a great lesson in drawing boundaries effectively.

In your case, this is more difficult because this is an existing relationship and this man knew you when you are still a child. I think this is about power and he might actually enjoy unrattling and upsetting you, he might see it as a game. Perhaps you need to find a way of publicly shaming him?

YABU. It's not 1820.

I think we have entered a time warp.
I've never read anything so bizarre, however,....I have genuinely been crying laughing at some of the comments on the first few pages.
I'm looking forward to the rest but going to get a glass of wine first...

see, we are people like you

I just died.

Weird

I also admit that I find it slightly irritating to be addressed with 'Du' when shopping in certain shops when visiting Germany. Excuse me, have we met before?

Bloody hell. Unclench.

Why do you call him a GUY, that's another horrible American expressions.
If you are referring to a MAN then call him that, this is UK, not USA.

I agree with AnnaBay's suggestion - is there a trusted friend or family member you can share your worries about him, with? I think you can't expect to be called Mrs xyz in the circumstances you've described, but I also think you should make sure you're never alone with him.

Ilovemillhousesdad, I peed and snorted!

In the 1980s, when I was trying (and failing) to learn GCSE German my teacher told us that some areas of Germany (he said Prussia and Bavaria) were still much more formal than others and you had to watch your language. If that's true and he didn't make it up, I assume there may still be a bit of that left.

I am sorry this sleazeball makes you feel like shit. I can't help but think that he breaks the rules of etiquette by refusing to agree to the request of a lady. In the UK, you would be forgiven for being less than polite to him in return. However, maybe in your social group you would be more strictly judged for being female. If so then that is shit. Try and find an ally - your brother maybe. Maybe someone can help.

I actually feel the same as Cremeschnitte re 'du' in shops. It's not the norm, but some (and an increasing number of) shops have introduced it because it's supposed to create warm fuzzy feelings of association and affinity with the brand, or something. It emphatically doesn't, not for me.

All this said, an English 'you' and first name is not the same thing at all as a German 'du' and first name. I lecture on occasion, and I always tell my students that we English speakers actually kept the polite form ('you'), not the familiar form ('thou'). A lot of Germans believe that Anglophone cultures are all terribly informal - this can extend to using English swear words in extremely inappropriate settings where they would never have done so in the equivalent setting in German. I always point out that formality (and hierarchy, etc.) have other conduits in English than via first names and titles.

OP, how about using the 'Hamburger Sie' (Sie + first name) with this man? Our DAAD-Lektorin did this with us when we were undergraduates at university, and it was spot on IMO - very appropriate. I wish it were more widely used.

Very hard to understand. Can’t you just tell us what your actual background is so we can understand better. Having looked up gentry I see there are a lot of uses, but none as you describe so not sure this is correct.

With regards to this man. You need to make it clear to your husband he makes you feel uncomfortable and is over familiar and looks at you in a creepy way that way he can support you next time with the no hand kissing and calling you Mrs MarriedName.

Do not put up with it YADNBU

My head hurts. Just tell him to fuck off. You seem quite able. If not, get a family member to do it.

Problem solved.

No more chat about gentry, umlauts and pronouns.

All this talk of German military backgrounds and stiffly formal manners is making me think of Thekla von Thingy, the only girl who was ever expelled from the Chalet School.

Sorry. As you were.