AIBU to not want to be called by my nick name by a man

[Snafu1988]

There is this guy I have known for quite a while but we have never been close. He is a friend of a relative and also friends with relatives of my husband. I already have known him before I was married, first met him when I was 15.
He called him by my first name and or nickname then I already I did not like it but only told him mich later when we met again, when I basically told him I was 19 (back then) and thought he should call me by family name. He called me by my last name then.
Years later we met again and he called me by my first name or nickname (and sometimes also last name)
Years later we met again and he calls me by my first name and nick name and the last name I used to have before we married. Now I asked him to call him by my real last name.

He basically told me he was good friends with the X family (my husbands family) and that they all have the same last name. Calling me by that name would make no sense, because he calls nobody from the X family by his last name as there are so many of them. My husband is from a real big family.

To make it short: I am not happy with this, it feels too intimate. I am not even sure why I am so much opposed to the idea but there is something about our relationship that just makes me feel like I do not want to be called by my first name by him. Cannot really put it into words. AIBU?

Nobody really gets called Mrs X now, not if they’ve known each other as long as you and this man have known each other. It’s way too formal and you can’t insist on it with someone who is older than you.

OTOH, this man does sound like he’s creepy and you have every right to object to him kissing your hand and making personal comments.

OP, it seems to me that your problem boils down to two slightly different questions:

should I do something to make this creep keep his distance? YES ABSOLUTELY

can this distancing reasonably involve use of my surname- I'd say that depends on where you are currently living and what your joint cultural norms are. If you are now in the UK, then the answer is almost certainly no. Insisting on use of surname (even for e.g. a university professor addressed by a student) would be seemed as culturally inappropriate except in a few very specific settings (school teacher/pupil; doctor/patient; salesman/customer). If you are somewhere else, you'd probably want to consult a native of that country.

So yes, you absolutely want to deal with creep, but preferably in a way that gives you the upper hand in whatever culture you happen to be living.

Sorry I'm properly howling. Vile handcream...

I'm Sarf Lahndahn gentry, we chest-bump.

My DH's grandfather was in the home guard. Therefore we have decided we are gentry and henceforth will be know as 'Lord and Lady Peckham'

Although most people still call us Dave & Doris

You have just described most people in this country and many others. Grandfathers who fought in World Wars, so by that rule we are all European Gentry. Hurrah.

Not me, I'm American. Even though all my male ancestors served, I guess I'll never be European Gentry. I do belong to the DAR, though. And I will answer to Fraulein Schmidt.

This Is the most depressing thread I’ve ever read on here.

Oh she’s buggered off. What a shame ☹️

I wept laughing at ‘sarf lahndan gentry’
(I may have mis-spelled that, my abject apologies) bobs curtsey

OP all of this is about boundaries and this creepy man has no right to make you feel uncomfortable. You can set your boundaries as you see fit and he should respect that.

Afternoon folks. We can see that the OP has had plenty of support and advice up thread, which is great- but can everyone please use the same courtesy when posting here as you would if you were face to face with the OP? Peace and love and all of that.

This Is the most depressing thread I’ve ever read on here.

Crikey!

Look if you find the guy a bit odd and your instincts are screaming at you then by all means avoid him.

Get off your high horse regarding 'European gentry'. I'm also continental European and anyone that makes a song and dance about their status is almost always just begging to be considered elite. I even went skiing in the Swiss alps with my prep school! I went to international school with children of diplomats and my uncle owns estates in Switzerland... Can I join your club?

This Is the most depressing thread I’ve ever read on here.

Not been around long?

I think Shellyboobs nailed it

As some have already guessed. I do not live in Great Britain but in Germany.

I am a bit paranoid, afraid someone I know might read what I write by coincidence and find out it is me. This is the reason why I nearly never write about personal things on German boards ;) and as a rule do not say where I am from.

Now in Germany it is really unusuall to call a person you do not know very well by their first name and in Austria, where we first met that is even more unusual.

I knew if was very different in the US and now realize that is the case in Great Britain. So in this case, yes writing at a German Board would have been smarter. Maybe I will do this.

Now with friends of the family, people you like, it is usually different. I am a person, who typically is okay with people calling me by my first name or nickname... unless it is him... because he creeps me out.

Calling someone by their maiden name when they are actually married is actually very unusual in Germany and almost never done. When a woman marries she typically adopts her husbands name (very much like in GB I think) and calling her by her maiden name is both insulting to her and the husband.

As for kissing my hand. He does not actually lick it, just hints a kiss. Jucky tasting cream won‘t help.

I know one of my brothers has a strange feeling about him too or had it years ago when he warned me not to be alone with him, because of the way he was looking at me. But not sure how he sees it now and this brother and me are living in different countries. Very tired today. So I hope what I wrote makes sense.

BTW this is one of the most embarrassing things to have ever happened to me... let me please point out English is my third language... after having done a quick reasearch on „gentry“, because I wanted to proof you all wrong, I realized that this is not the word I am searching for and this is really, really embarrassing.

BTW thanks somebody asked about my husbands PTSD. I do not remember your name but I think that was very kind of you... but he is seeing a therapist and he is feeling well considering the circumstances.

Now in Germany it is really unusuall to call a person you do not know very well by their first name and in Austria, where we first met that is even more unusual.

I think you are creating drama for drama sake. I am part German and part Dutch (along with another nationality) - but this is patently untrue. In Germany you call someone by their first name. Indeed you don't shorten Jennifer to Jen unless invited to do so (much like in Britain) but I don't go around referring to people as 'Herr Schmidt' or whatever.

Thanks for coming back and letting us know the background OP, it’s really kind of you considering we have had a lot of fun at your expense. ! It’s (I hope ) all been good natured and some of the remarks have been really funny . I hope you are able to see that.
Language and culture don’t always translate... I have found that to my embarrassment also.. I speak another language and innocently asked where I could go and ‘fly my kite ‘ to a taxi driver.. having checked the words were correct. Only to discover that to ‘fly ones kite’ colloquially means having a wank 😏😏.. much hilarity at my expense. By comparison.. ‘gentry ‘ is mild.

As for being your third language. I am in awe. Your English is amazing.

Meanwhile. Distance yourself from this creep and do get some advice from German boards where people will be more familiar with the circumstances.

in Germany it is really unusuall to call a person you do not know very well by their first name but - OP this guy does know you well. Has known you for years, in fact. (And I am part German, living in Germany, and know that people call you Herr/Frau, whereas it is much more informal in UK)

The name thing is a total red herring. Hand-kisser is a creep, your instincts tell you this. Ignore the name thing.

And just try to avoid him. Get your DH onside - you don't need to add to his PTSD by telling him that you want to keep your natural boundaries in place.

@VladmirsPutine: no I think it is really rude if a man calls a woman by her first name or the less formal version of you unless she invited him too... at least when they are the same age... but the of course he is older than me. It is sort of intimate... at least for me... It is how I personally feel about it. I do not want him call me by my first name.

@kittensinmydinner: lol I used to think a „street worker“ was the same as a „social worker“.

@ptumbi: Yes, I have known him for years but did not see him that often during the years. Unfortunately going to see him more often soon... and my point is... I really do not wish for a more personal relationship with him... sigh... but maybe there is nothing I can do.

no I think it is really rude if a man calls a woman by her first name or the less formal version of you unless she invited him too

Then you need to unclench and understand it's 2017. I am very familiar with German culture and whilst I agree that it is not right to shorten someone's name without their invite to do so, you are living in another century. Hör auf zu lügen.

VladimirPoutine: what you said in German was very rude. What was the point you were trying to make. Try to find out if I am really German? Ja, das bin ich. Wer würde schon freiwillig behaupten deutsch zu sein, wenn es nicht stimmt ;)
Or do you just change the language so people don‘t see how rude you are. I was raised not to call people you do not know very well by their first name or duzen them unless they invite you to.
Of course I call my friends by their first name but I would never for example call my neighbors by their first name or would have called any person by their first name unless they allow me to... and sorry but it is an etiquette rule that the women must invite the man to call him by her first name, the older person must allow the younger person and so on. Unless this is not the case I see it as rude.

The fact that you find what I said "very rude" proves my point - why don't you translate it for those that don't speak it and see how they gauge my rudeness. I'm also not bothered about you being really German. Ich kann auch reden. I give zero fucks about that.

You are painting a descriptive and destructive view of one of my countries. And unless we are living in another century then no! Women do NOT need to give permission for anyone to call them by their given first name. You are wrong!

Whether its a bit rude or not, its hardly a big deal. He would still be odd and you wouldnt like him even if he called you by your surname. He likes you more than you like him and is a little overfamiliar by your standards, but hardly at all by anyone elses.

Surely “Hör auf zu lügen“ means “don’t tell lies” or something? It doesn’t even make sense! Maybe I’m missing some context.