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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be devastated about 3 year old?!

142 replies

alert · 03/11/2017 22:45

My 3.5 year old DS came out from nursery with his upside down smile and a wobbly bottom lip, when I got him in the car and on the way home I was asking him what was up, he kept shaking his head and then I could see he was very upset (silent tears streaming down his cheeks) so I pulled over and asked him what was wrong, if it was something that happened at nursery? He said it was and I gently coaxed him until he told me, he said ‘the boys (names) at nursery said horrible and nasty words to me’ I asked what they said and he shook his head I asked again and he said ‘bad words mummy’. I comforted him and when home I asked him again what they had said and he wouldn’t say. I’m devastated my beautiful, kind hearted, angel has had to deal with this at the age of three! I am so so upset I don’t think I can get over it, I know the boys that said these things (still don’t know what they said he still clamps up when asked) are only 3-4 but I am so so angry and hurt about it, I can’t deal with it! I have spoken to the teacher and she was great about it but I felt like OTT crazy mum as I was so serious about it and they are only babies but it makes me sick to my stomach that he was so hurt and upset and not himself, I will have so much more of this to deal with, how do you cope with this?!

OP posts:
Caulk · 03/11/2017 22:47

You teach him to be resilient.

RedHelenB · 03/11/2017 22:49

He'll no doubt hear worse! How did he know they were bad words at that age? Could have been something innocent I've had kids come to me saying someone had said a bad word and they were really mild.
Try and find a positive memory of his day at nursery.

steff13 · 03/11/2017 22:51

I think it's a bit over the top until you know what the words are. He may have misunderstood or something. I agree with RedHelen, try to focus on a positive part of his day.

AuntLydia · 03/11/2017 22:51

I think I would be more worried and upset by his reaction than anything else...what could they have said to make him so upset and feel unable to repeat it?! Is he generally a very sensitive little soul? Could the teacher shed any light on it?

NancyDonahue · 03/11/2017 22:51

Yes it's horrible seeing your kids upset because of others being nasty. Unfortunately it goes with the role of being a parent.

Encourage him to find other friends. Do you meet up with people so he can socialise outside nursery? Teach him to deal with unkind people by walking away. Make sure he knows to always tell a teacher or adult if someone is unkind or hurts him.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/11/2017 22:52

Yes you teach them that sometimes kids are mean and that they can tell a teacher/play with someone else. If he's got to 3.5 without other kids being mean to him he's done well!

Fruitcorner123 · 03/11/2017 22:53

I can’t deal with it!

Yes you can, you have dealt with it by comforting him and speaking to the member of staff. Now advise him to tell a teacher straight away if the boys say anything nasty again and suggest another friend he can play with tomorrow. This will all be forgotten in a few days and you will feel better in the morning.

WillowWeeping · 03/11/2017 22:53

You teach him to be resilient. Presumably your 3 year old DS doesn't know any really bad words and so he was likely called silly or naughty.

Sadly there will be worse to come and your job is to empathise and then move him on

Appuskidu · 03/11/2017 22:59

I’m devastated my beautiful, kind hearted, angel has had to deal with this at the age of three! I am so so upset I don’t think I can get over it

You need to teach him to be resilient.

SparklyLeprechaun · 03/11/2017 23:02

Why don't you find out what happened before you get devastated? At that age I'd guess they called him a word he doesn't know and he assumed it was a bad word. Does he know many bad words?

SoupDragon · 03/11/2017 23:02

Unless your DS has a wide and varied vocabulary and you've taught him swear words then the words are unlikely to be bad. It was probably along the lines of "poo poo head"

It's not nice to see your child upset but, as others have said, you teach them to be resilient and distract them onto positive parts of their day instead.

Cakescakescakes · 03/11/2017 23:03

And as the parent of a three year old boy myself you also need to prepare yourself that one day your son will not be on the innocent side of this. It is a tricky age for learning social skills etc and even gentle children can get involved in a tussle or two.

Wolfiefan · 03/11/2017 23:03

At that age bad words can be poo head or fart bum!
You need to put on your big parent pants. You overreacting and being distraught will only upset him.
You teach him he's gorgeous and clever and funny and special. And that people who say mean things are the poo heads! (DON'T USE THOSE WORDS!)
And he's not an angel. None of them are! Grin

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 03/11/2017 23:03

I don’t think I can get over it

Well, you have to frankly. This will not be the last time he comes out of school having had a rubbish day, there will be days when he's caused another child to have a rubbish day...it's part and parcel of growing up.

Teach him to be resilient and move on

Lindy2 · 03/11/2017 23:05

You need to teach him how to cope with situations like this. It's part of his developing independence and starting to learn life skills.
Young children need to learn these skills to help them cope with potentially more difficult situations when they get older.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 03/11/2017 23:06

Oh and my 3 year old charge came out of nursery upset, wouldn't talk for an hour just silent tears and sad face, then sobbed hard for half an hour before wailing that " X had been so horrid". He was distraught.

After dinner when I could get some sense out of him it turned out that X wanted to wear the Spider-Man costume....that was it

Pretty sure he needed a nap as well....

Callamia · 03/11/2017 23:07

Oh it’s hard seeing your child upset by someone else.
The first time I saw another child tell my son that he did it want to play with him, I nearly sobbed for him.

The fact was, that he’d been irritating the life out of his older child and the poor boy had had enough. My son looked absolutely crushed. It was heart-rending. Later, the two were best friends for the rest of their time at nursery.

You let him know that saying bad words isn’t ok. What did he do about it? (did he tell an adult?) what could he do if it happened again? He doesn’t need to relive it and tell you exactly what happened, but you can both make a plan for next time.

Mittens1969 · 03/11/2017 23:10

It is upsetting when we see them come out of nursery crying at that age but it’s not likely that other 3 year olds said anything that was all that bad, is it? You need to get over it and then your DS will; if he sees that you’re devastated by it he will only get more upset.

Just get him to focus on nice things that happened at nursery.

oldlaundbooth · 03/11/2017 23:11

It'll pass.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 03/11/2017 23:11

None of us like to see our children upset and of course it can tug at your heartstrings but Op you’re being very dramatic about this. Devastated, sick to your stomach and can’t get over it, seriously? You don’t even know what it actually was!

Your son is 3.5 and will be upset by various things through his childhood. Picking up on his mothers completely ott anguish will only reinforce the idea that something absolutely awful has happened whether actually true or not, how is that helpful at all?

Witchend · 03/11/2017 23:14

I remember my pfb coming out of preschool at that age very shocked because one of the boys had said "a naughty word." It was very bad... "pant-head". Grin Another time she was indignant because a grandparent had called her a "dog"-turned out to be "pet".

At that age they have no idea of really naughty words-and if they did, your ds wouldn't know that they were nasty would he?

You need to calm down over such things. If nothing else if it provokes a reaction in you he'll remember it far more-both in terms of being upset by it and also to use it on others. A matter of fact "that's a silly thing to say" deals with it much better. They then think "ok it's not that nasty, it's just them being silly" plus "I'm not going to be silly and use those words."

You will get much worse and your ds will do things that upset others too, whether intentionally or not.

dontbesillyhenry · 03/11/2017 23:14

No offence but a charmed life you have had if you think you won't get over this

Anasnake · 03/11/2017 23:16

Pfb ??

Cheby · 03/11/2017 23:18

All those saying teach him to be resilient, how exactly?

My DD is 4 and takes everything to heart. She feels any kind of rejection, however minor, very keenly. I truly want to teach her to be able to brush things off and carry on enjoying her day but I can see that she feels absolutely crushed if a friend says they don't want to play (or whatever). She goes very quiet and withdrawn and her confidence takes a battering each time. I try to be very breezy about things and I tell her to find someone else to play with or choose something else to do, but it doesn't seem to be helping.

Original poster
alert · 03/11/2017 23:29

You are very much right, I do need to teach him resilience, he has been to nursery from the age of 2 and I have never had any problems it was the first incident of him being upset & I have maybe taken it too seriously 😐. He has 10 older cousins who are always playing rough and tumble with each other and saying silly things (poop head, stupid, silly, baby, such a girl etc.) and he has always laughed it off and never taken it to heart, this is why I’m upset he is used to this silly speak and being around it but there is always an adult for intervention and it blows over, he has never been upset by it and now he is I’m just wondering what did they say?! He knows ‘naughty words’ like ‘freak, idiot, stupid head’ all learnt from cousins and I have always heard and corrected cousins and explained when he has used these words back (without understanding) that they are not nice words to say and that they are unkind. He is my first and last and I’m hoping we both learn resilience as he goes through school. He is a very sensitive little boy though, and I worry that he is too kind and loving and caring to deal with very hurtful things said to him.

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